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Original poster

Young mothers

29 replies

patjoseb · 11/10/2005 22:26

I'm sorry but I need to get this off my chest. I am sick of the way people look at me because I have children. I am 26 and I have 3 children, 5, 3 and 22 months. I can't walk down the road without someone looking at me with a frown. Granted, I do look young for my age (apparently), but why am I a target?
My partner works hard to support us, we pay our taxes, but still we are made to feel as though we are not good enough, or old enough to bring children up.
I am a good mother and my partner is an excellent father, why is age such an issue?

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rummum · 11/10/2005 22:28

maybe they are thinking... 'how come she looks so young with three kids when I/we look old and haggered'

meggymoo · 11/10/2005 22:31

Message withdrawn

ScreamEagle · 11/10/2005 22:34

patjoseb - take it as a compliment! You must look very youthful for people to feel they have to comment on it. I bet they don't mean anything bad, just making small talk?

fwiw - I get this all the time. I am 35 but look about 25 and always have people asking if all 5 kids in tow are mine. (aged 9mths, nearly 3, 9, 11 and almost 14). I used to hate it but quite enjoy it now!

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trinityrocks · 11/10/2005 22:35

I have the same problem patjoseb, I also had my first at 21 and was looked at like I wasn't good enough ALOT!!
When in hospital the staff almost thought I was just the same as the girl in the next bed who was 17 and having her third !!!!!!!!!!!!!...............until I opened my mouth and didn't say things like" can't wait to get out of here so I can give this one to my mum aswell! I kid you not, she really said that!!!!!!!!

Aimsmum · 11/10/2005 22:38

Message withdrawn

nappybaglady · 11/10/2005 23:00

Just lurking on this thread but PMSL at the caretaker.

Lucky you for being so young and lovely and lucky kids for having the most gorgeous mum in the playground

...and if all else fails just act as young as you look and stick your tongue out at the tutters

swedishmum · 12/10/2005 00:38

Yes good luck to you. It'll never happen to me - I look like a haggard old bag right now. Mind you, I did once get told off in a GCSE exam for not having the right uniform by an old supply teacher - I was a teacher myself at the time! Much hilarity from my Year 11s.

ScarySkribble · 12/10/2005 00:42

I spent a horrible christmas day one year nursing 2 very ill kids. I was taking a breather out the back door and one of MIL's neighbours said over the fence after enquiring how they were "Well you will have them so young" FFS I had my first when I was 22yrs. I was 26 by this time, not a teenager with negleted children.

I was so angry after watching my DS trying to open his presents while vomiting in a bucket.

jessicaandbumpsmummy · 12/10/2005 00:53

i get looks as well. I had Jess at 21 (almost 22) and im pg again now at just 23.

i know im a good mum (might spend too long on here but hey) and Jess wants for nothing - i just get nothing but "you're so young!" GET OFF CASE!

tegan · 12/10/2005 01:52

I get this too - even though I'm 28 now people ask me how old my 'sister' is my reply is always the same "she is my 7 year old daughter", then of course I get the old routine of 'oh you had her young', yes I did but I'm still with (now married to) her father, I own my own home ,have my own car and my kids get more than enough so why be hung up on my age?

myturntobeposh · 12/10/2005 01:54

Wish I had this problem

sarahsausage · 12/10/2005 09:34

Looking back i had this problem with the midwife when i was pg with dd. I was 17 at the time, 18 when i had her. The midwife was so patronising and i could tell she was judging me because of my age.

I changed hospitals and the midwife team there were great, no funny looks and they treated me just the same as the other women on the ward. Now at 20 am pregnant with number 2 and have not had any problems this time around. Am registered with hospital i had dd at.

As for people in the street giving me funny looks, i just give them back

Maddison · 12/10/2005 09:53

I'm basically the same as you patjoseb, I had my first at 22 and my second at 26, I just turned 27 last week and still get funny looks.

Like the suggestion of sticking tongues out, might try that one next time

M2T · 12/10/2005 10:02

Another one here! Although I don't get the looks from people anymore (hmmm... actually starting to resent people for not staring!!). I had ds when I was 23 and dd when I was 26. 27 now and look haggard!

I hated getting treated like the silly, careless teenager who got up the duff!!! DH and I were not married and due to his work I went to most Antenatal appointments (apart from the scans) without him!! Everyone assumed I was a single parent and was asked if I wanted a termination on more than one occasion. I was fuming!!!!!

sweetheart · 12/10/2005 10:10

GOD You lot are positivly ancient compaired to me

I was 19 when I had dd and I'm 24 now - expecting No 2.

Yes I can sympathise eith what your saying - I've come up against prejudice from "older mums" at playgroups and things. I just think if people judge you on how old you look before getting to know you they are really sad. And quite frankly I pity them for being small minded people at an age that should know better!

ScarySkribble · 13/10/2005 01:15

FGS what age do they expect you to have your kids at anything over 30 and they think you are to old. My BF is 40ish and still wears dungarees and pigtails and often gets treated like a silly wee girl, she takes great pleasure in telling them she has four kids, 1 of which has left home .

Chandra · 13/10/2005 01:23

Well, if it helps... we have quite the opposite problem every time we go home, actually we used to get endless jokes about us having a grandchild instead of a child! (DS was born when I was 32, but for many people that's well into old life!), most of my cousins had already several children by the age of 24.

Do you want to move to my country? lovely weather, the only sad thing is that you are also expected to ask as grandparent by the age your are 35....) ARGHHH!!!

Chandra · 13/10/2005 01:24

ask=act

muma3 · 14/10/2005 18:13

i am 23 and just had my third. i had a little one at the very [ and too young i know] young age of 15. i had my 2nd d at 19 being married to get it right [ although it was a struggle for him and it lasted 2 years ] and have now got my third age 4 months . i want one more and think things in life always hapen for a reason .dont worry patjoseb i have had plenty of stares but they soon see that my children mean the world to me and im sorry if i offend anyone but i wouldnt have it any other way

doormat · 14/10/2005 18:44

patjo I have had this prob from both sides
I had 2 children by the time I was 18, and used to get the stares.Now at 38 with a 4yo i get stares coz I am an old fart.
The best advice I can give is too ignore them or pull a funny face

weesaidie · 14/10/2005 19:08

I haven't noticed too much but then maybe I am just oblivious too it. When I was pregnant I had an obviously disapproving old doctor and after seeing him I cried. W**ker.

It is funny though as even though I am 23 and my dd is only 18 months I still look younger. Got IDed for wine today in Tescos, by a girl who looked about my age! I felt it was even more of a put down as I had dd with me!

weesaidie · 14/10/2005 19:09

Although obviously am very responsible and no longer drink now I am a mother. The wine is for cooking...

NightHowl · 14/10/2005 19:29

i was 19 when i had ds and the widwives in my local hospital were HORRIBLE to me. he was prem and in scbu...thats enough to scare any mother, let alone a young, first time one. i was always so scared to pick him up with all his wires and monitor alarms going off, i didnt know what to do with him and felt like he wasnt mine. one day a midwife snapped at me "well he's your baby, YOU look after him" after i asked for help changing him (ffs he was 4lb (by this time) and covered in wires!) we were even interrogated by one midwife about where we lived, was it a council house, did we have jobs etc etc...and what the hell had it got to do with her the nasty cow...she even told my then dp that baby didnt like him!

for the record, ds was planned. we were engaged. we had a brand new house complete with mortgage. we had two good jobs and a car, we didnt drink or do drugs etc etc. we were just young that was all.

now when i went in to have dd, 6 years later it was a very different story. by this time i was living in a council house, still had the job, baby wasnt planned and my partner had left me very early on. (whoooo...lots of ammo for them)(still no drink and drugs lol) but i went in that hospital with an air of "you just TRY and interfere, my baby, i shall look after it as i see fit, dont bother being funny with ME). you know what? they didnt even ASK! of course as my mother was my birth partner i would assume my single status was obvious, but i did not get one snide comment about anything.

so i come to the conclusion that their obvious disapproval had, all along, been to do with my age and nothing else.

i dont get the looks anymore but it still makes me annoyed how nasty they can be to young parents.

weesaidie · 14/10/2005 23:46

It is pretty awful when you encounter it isn't it? I can't believe how awful your midwives were Nighthowl!

People always assume I am a single parent. At the doctors recently the doc was asking me if I had 'help' around?? Ie, you don't have a partner do you? Typical, he was a nice guy so I let hime away with it. 'I am single parent but the dad is involved etc etc...'

I am a single parent but how they get this from my appearance I have no idea!

magnolia1 · 15/10/2005 00:03

I had my 1st at 21 but had 3 by age 25 and 4 at 29. I look a lot younger which is great but a complete pain having to take my passport as ID when I go out

On the other hand dh is 34 very grey and people think he's my dad

My mum was 16 when she had me and had 4 kids by age 26. I personally think she was too young but wouldn't want it any other way for obvious reasons