Whether to have children?

[hettie]

OK so this a little bit of a weird post considering that this is a mums board but since the ?I chose to have children because? thread I feel I can finally come out of the closet. Thing is I am in a real dilemma about whether or not to have kids. I have a partner who?d like them and would be a great dad (he would never pressurise me into having them though) I?m in my early thirties and have never thought about having kids (in fact I was always quite against it) but am now thinking if this is the right thing for me. I am not at all broody, have no innate biological desire but on the other hand am not freaked out by it. I guess I am more of the mind of ?yeah well I could do it/cope with it/ be ok at it, but I?m not really sure what the point of it is???.
It?s ok when they smile cutely and it would be nice/interesting to see what a combo of me and my partner would be like but is worth all the hard work? I mean it?s a huge slog isn?t it? There are lots of sacrifices and it?s a huge job. I just feel that I ought not to resent making these sacrifices and worry that I might. I just can?t work out if it would be worth it for me, they might bring you happiness when they smile at you/ do something cute/grow up into a nice person, but that?s an awful lot of hard grind for what seem like me to be very small moments (or maybe I?m missing something- and yes I know everyone says it?s different when they?re your own, but if I never have my own then I won?t miss that as I won?t know what its like if you see what I mean). I was really interested to read about the reasons why people had kids and would love to know more. If you were ambivalent about having them how do you feel now? Do you resent it? Would you do it again? Or perhaps its to do with situations? Do you resent it because you thought you?d get more support from your partner, didn?t think you?d end up staying at home etc?..Any feedback would be really great as it messing with my mind going over and over this in my head!

When you look into your future and see yourself at 40 or 50 without children how do you feel? Personally I felt absolutely sad at that thought. I would say totally worth it. My daughter said her first word today and my heart skipped. There is no feeling like it, except falling madly, passionately in love. It's visceral. But yes, I suppose you might not miss what you never had, but I cannot imagine life without children. I don't envy anyone without children. I feel sorry for Linda Evangelista for example - millions in the bank, unbelievable face/body - but no kids.
But I won't lie and say it is easy or doesn't push you to your absolute limit. So why is it worth it? Ah, it's something you can't really explain to anyone without children I think.
As for what is the point of it, for me it is the whole and entire meaning of life. I don't believe in a god or afterlife, my kids are my immortality. It's not why I had them, of course, the minute I had my ds I thought, 'Yes, that's it! That's why I'm here!'

Whereas I'm much more ambivalent. And I have friends who have never wanted or had children and have lovely lives.

I suppose I just didn't see the point of pootling along without them.

Not very helpful, I know. But I couldn't imagine growing old and not having them and not having grandchildren and being part of a family connected to me and younger than me, which might take me off in unexpected directions I wouldn't otherwise have gone in. I doubt if I would have downshifted or moved area, for example, if I hadn't had the motivation of wanting to spend time with my children.

Have you taken the test?

For what it's worth, DH and I tried for 3 yrs for dd, however we were oddly ambivelent too - I never thought it would be the end of the world if I didn't have any. However, I adore her and can see that I would have missed out on a lot - there are only so many glam holidays and fantastic restaurants (aren't there??)

Yes it IS hard work but worth it.

I had a promising career and never ever got "broody" over other people's children before I had any. Couldn't really see ME in that role, but as has already been said I didn't like the idea of reaching menopause and then suddenly thinking I'd missed out...

I'd never looked after other people's children, (was a bit scared of them if I'm honest) but can hand on heart say that when I found out I was pregnant with the first my whole opinion changed. I had a quantifiable goal (9 months) and learnt along the way about pregnancy etc. The first young baby I ever held was my own dd1.

Never looked back. Now have four and wouldn't be without them. Life has a purpose and a meaning and you can't explain where all that love comes from but it did for me...

Ha ha motherinferior. Read Alohas post and then yours and laughed out loud. Nothing to add here really at the moment. Only had my second a few days ago so not a good person to ask (Swing between absolute joy and absolute misery) but just had to register how much your post made me laugh.

I think aloha's suggestion is a good one.

My sister is in her mid thirties and was never really bothered about babies and always has plans for things she wants to do...

I had a baby two years ago and it broke her down, she adores my dd and as soon as she is through the door is all over her and spoild her rotten.

She has met my friends with babies and now she is so broody.

I guess her idea of being a mum was to lose your independence, figure and... life but its not like that.

For sure it is a real life changer. But she has watched me grow into a mother. I was a real wild child and a big party girl. My friends jaws dropped when I announced my pregnancy. They all thought it was going to ruin me. But becoming a mum has changed me, not made me boring in anyway. In fact I have more plans and drive and I feel a much rounder person. I did not lose my figure and my independence has not gone but changed like my priorities, I look on life so different now to 4 years ago - its mad!

I am more fulfilled than ever and the idea of watching this absolutely amazing little darling of mine grow fills me with excitement. I made her and she is great I ahev another one growing inside and this time i am even more excited as I know what to expect.

My sisters maternal feelings have really come out by being around my dd and observing me. She now feels ready... well think she is - you can never be ready for the life change!!!

The first few months is the hardest but it does get easier and you learn to go with the flow.

The small moments are the bad moments and the rest of the time is happiness. You will never feel a love like a love for your child - its amazing and overwhelming.

I do know people who showed resentment for their child and when I look closely, its usually because they want to lead the same life as before and you cant, parts of it you can but if you cant accept that then it will be hard.

When I think of the future I imagine lots of fun xmas's and parties with childrens laughter. I get so much joy from seeing her smile... even though she can be a little monkey sometimes

If your thinking about it then its a step towards it

hettie, I had kids because I wanted to experience motherhood and have that really intense, selfless, unconditional bond with someone else.

Also I have always loved babies and children and do tend to get along with and enjoy talking to all children. I used to see mothers with that bond, where the mother is the most important person for their child and no-one else matters and I wanted to have that as well. I can honestly say that having children is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

If you're not sure then I don't know what to say really as you can't know how you will feel until the baby arrives. Lots of people have children without really desiring it, but because it's the done thing. It did help that my own mother is so loving and unselfish and that made made me see the joy in having children.

I suppose part of it was also the thought of how lonely I might get in old age, having children gives you something to look forward to, a continuity and a slice of the future.

But as you say, if you don't have it and don't know what you're missing then there's no problem. There are also many downsides to having children, as many MN threads will testify to and it is a hard slog, lot of sacrifices as you say.

I hope you can resolve this. The fact that you are so confused and worried about this suggests to me that you might be over-analysing. Just try to figure out what your gut feeling is, would you feel like something is missing if you don't have kids?

saadia - great message

my mother too is an extremley loving selfless person who always put us first.

i strive to the kind of mother she is... but i do like to keep some of my luxuries

self-actualization anyone?

actually I agree about over-analysing. I didn't put too much thought into having children, as I knew that there would never be a right time, and I would be able to see the disadvantages more than the advantages. I was lucky to get pregnant very quickly, so never dwelled on it, but haven't regretted having 4 children (the first when I was 28).

It is a hard slog though..

hettie, I don't think anyone knows how they will feel once they have had children. I have friends who were extremely ambivalent about the idea, very laid back during pregnancy and then feel totally & utterly in love with being a mum.
I was much more organised in my approach, planned to have children and thought I'd be the bees knees at motherhood & actually I really, really struggle. I love them because they are mine and I made them but they have pushed me beyond anything I thought I could ever endure mentally & physically.
I don't regret them, but I'm definitely never one of those blathering on about the joys of parenting.
You know yourself best. Are you the sort of person who regrets things that you've done or that you haven't done?

Everyone says "its hard" probably outs you off but getting up for work on cold winter days is hard, lots of things in life are "hard" but you do it for the reward.

my punk mate used to say

"life is sh*t so get use to it" and he didnt even have kids

still does not but he loves my dd and would actually like children now.

I'm felt like Aloha, I couldn't imagine my life without children. When DS1 was born the love in my life doubled and then again when ds2 was born, I felt as if my real purpose in life was to raise these 2 perfect children. However for me it was an easy decision, I have a very nurturing and loving nature, you can't walk through my front door and not leave without having been fed, but parenthood isn't for everyone and certainly isn't something you should do because you think you should, it's not for everyone.

Oh gosh, I?m so touched; I thought you were all going to harangue me! You?ve said some incredibly insightful things (so it must be rubbish what some people say about mothers going soft in the head!). You have already all given me some insight into the strength of love that can be there?. Aloha, you?re right, when I think of the ?imaginary? future it has a huge warm house with big family kitchen, lots of noise and comings and going and happiness and yes kids (well I suppose young adults!). But the problem is I can?t seem to square that with reality and the alternate future- me and partner drinking nice wines on the sofa, art classes, trekking in the Himalaya, learning to sail?. Well that sounds fairly good to. Saadia is right I might be over analysing, I just feel its really really important job and that if you enter into it you have a duty to do the best you can and so I?m a bit concerned about my ambivalence, it?s not like we need more children in this world is it? Shouldn?t it be left to those who are really committed?
God I don?t know, it just seems like I keep going around in circles, and its not like I can change my mind is it! Any other insights gratefully received?.

well bugsy, now you some to mention it I've never regretted anything I've done. But then there are very few things I regret not having done (maybe be been a bit more of a risk taker/ partied harder/experimented more when I was younger). Would seem to suggest that I think very carefuly about what I do in life (too much perhaps

ahem we still drink nice wine on the sofa!
Also when kids a bit older you can all learn to sail together - I find it really adds to experiences when dd can enjoy them too.

Do you have anyone who could look after them if you wanted a holiday eg trekking? We are very fortunate in that both sets of grandparents love having dd and we get away on our own once a year. Worth considering?

I had a baby because of a completely overwhelming urge. It's something I've wanted ever since I was a teenager. I can't really explain it. DH was quite happy to carry on as we were but was happy to go along with my wishes. He found it an extreme strain in the first few months and really couldn't cope with it all so I was on my own through most of the tough times.

DD is 6 months now and I couldn't imagine life without her. Every day she makes me smile and is my reason for carrying on when I'm feeling down or when life is hard.

I still live in hope we will one day be sailing all together and trekking in the Himalayas. it'll be a while yet with 3 under 6 though

but we do spend a lot of time drinking wine on the sofa. far more than before having children.

actually, the bit about going soft in the head isn't rubbish .

I always wanted to have kids at some way-off point in the future, until I got to my late 20s (pretty young, I suppose) and then realised I have to have one, asap! It was like a physical ache, I couldn't not do anything about it.

If you're more aware of what you'd miss by having kids than what you'd gain, maybe it isn't for you. It's not obligatory.

OTOH, they do grow up and you don't spend the rest of your life cleaning up baby sick. They might even want to go trekking in the Himalayas with you .

When you have children you need to drink nice wine on the sofa

Especially if you don't have much other social life Actually, that is a point - if you have a family support network/can afford a full-time nanny, it's much much easier, or so I hear.

I do resent quite a lot of the sacrifices, but for me, I think this has been the right path to go down.

You will also need a sofa with washable covers. Very important, that.

I felt a lot like you before I had my dd. I didn't really know anyone with children, hadn't ever really interacted with them and felt that it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't have any.

My dd is now 3.5 months and she is amazing, I fall more and more in love with her every day. It is very hard, but I had 20 years as an adult pleasing myself (I am now 38) and I really don't miss anything. I just feel like I am getting so much from her. The best I can describe it as is that in life before her I thought I was happy and generally I guess I was, but it was a kind of low level, muddling along sort of happiness. With her, at some point every day I feel like I have just got a new job, or passed my driving test or won the pools etc - you get the idea, I am joyful, truly joyful everyday and its because of her, and I can only see it getting better.

I won't lie, the first 2 months were hard and there were tears adjusting to being at home with such a demanding little person, but all worth it as I'm sure the challanges I face in the future will be.

I was confident my dh would be a good dad, but he has surpassed my expectations in everyway.

Good luck with making your decision.x

Hettie - I think people that have lived a very active life with their partner for a while can't imagine how a child would fit in.

I hear all the time "Oh but I want to go to Mexico/Barbados/New Zealand"..... I reply, yeah kids travel you know, they're not tied down!

You can still do all the things you enjoy! Except with a child it might just take a bit more organisation or more forward planning.

FWIW I have no real desire to hold other peoples babies...... not that keen on other peoples kids. BUT My goodness.... my own just melt my heart EVERY DAY!

Only you can decide, but don't over-analyse it. Go with the flow. You don't have to have 5 kids! Just the precious one and only.