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Whether to have children?

90 replies

hettie · 11/10/2005 14:50

OK so this a little bit of a weird post considering that this is a mums board but since the ?I chose to have children because? thread I feel I can finally come out of the closet. Thing is I am in a real dilemma about whether or not to have kids. I have a partner who?d like them and would be a great dad (he would never pressurise me into having them though) I?m in my early thirties and have never thought about having kids (in fact I was always quite against it) but am now thinking if this is the right thing for me. I am not at all broody, have no innate biological desire but on the other hand am not freaked out by it. I guess I am more of the mind of ?yeah well I could do it/cope with it/ be ok at it, but I?m not really sure what the point of it is???.
It?s ok when they smile cutely and it would be nice/interesting to see what a combo of me and my partner would be like but is worth all the hard work? I mean it?s a huge slog isn?t it? There are lots of sacrifices and it?s a huge job. I just feel that I ought not to resent making these sacrifices and worry that I might. I just can?t work out if it would be worth it for me, they might bring you happiness when they smile at you/ do something cute/grow up into a nice person, but that?s an awful lot of hard grind for what seem like me to be very small moments (or maybe I?m missing something- and yes I know everyone says it?s different when they?re your own, but if I never have my own then I won?t miss that as I won?t know what its like if you see what I mean). I was really interested to read about the reasons why people had kids and would love to know more. If you were ambivalent about having them how do you feel now? Do you resent it? Would you do it again? Or perhaps its to do with situations? Do you resent it because you thought you?d get more support from your partner, didn?t think you?d end up staying at home etc?..Any feedback would be really great as it messing with my mind going over and over this in my head!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
hettie · 11/10/2005 15:38

countess and mandrake, sorry I didn't mean to imply that as mothers you didn't do these things. Dunno, just was trying to paint a picture of our lives in the future without kids. Maybe I could be happy without them, thats my dilemma though isn't it, I'll never know either way (and as I am so risk adverse, it seems to big a risk to jump right in, because if it goes a bit wonky, I can't go back and I've just dragged some poor child into the mix)

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ScummyMummy · 11/10/2005 15:38

Why don't you just have lots of sex and see what happens? I found the angst of unplanned pregnancy rather exhilarating.

M2T · 11/10/2005 15:39

Hettie - Whats going to go "wonky"???

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

aloha · 11/10/2005 15:39

When studies are done comparing parents to non parents there are hardly any differences, except non-parents thought of parenthood as particularly difficult and had particularly high standards about how they should act as parents - which sounds just like you Hettie! The rest of us just do it and fail every day (actually, that is what parenthood is most of the time, constant failure!)
But we still carry on and even have more children.
As for wine on the sofa - hey, that's my life!

motherinferior · 11/10/2005 15:40

Good point, ScummyMummy. Try 'natural' contraception. It worked for me.

M2T · 11/10/2005 15:40

Also, once your baby is born you're not going to change your mind and just hand it back! You do bond with them.

M2T · 11/10/2005 15:41

Wine on the sofa??? NO WAY! Not since I switched to gin and lost 13lbs.

PrettyCandles · 11/10/2005 15:42

Sometimes it doesn't feel like sacrifices. I don't think anything really prepares you for how you'll feel when you have children of your own. Everyone says 'Oh it will change your life', and you go (in your head) 'Yeah, yeah, yeah'. Well, it does!

I find it frustrating not to have a social life, but that's as much about me and dh, as about having children. At one point we used to trade babysitting with another couple with a child of the same age, but since they emigrated we haven't got anything else organised. My mum would love to babysit, she's constantly trying to get us to go out a bit, but we just don't make the effort.

Cleaning up sick and pee and stuff really doesn't matter in the long run. They're only little for a short while, and things like organising your life for their comfort don't last. My ds has just started school - his babyhood has disappeared, and from this side it seems to have disappeared in a flash.

I didn't want to grow old alone. I wanted to feel that there was some lasting residue from my life. I wanted to feel that there was something to which I could dedicate my soul to. Having children has satisfied all those needs. I also feel fulfilled as a woman - I have done what only a woman can do.

It is a huge job, and sometimes I feel angry that I have to do a job for which there was no interview and no apptitude test. Sometimes I really feel that I'm not doing the best job - then I see my children, and they are healthy, intelligent, delightful, and I know that I'm doing OK.

hettie · 11/10/2005 15:43

manymac, that's really interesting....I guess that's something you only really experience with your own isn't it and I will have no way of ever trying to aproximate what that will feel like. Were you expecting that? If you were not so bothered how did you get round to doing it, what made you?
I do think that I would hate to deprive my dp of having a child (not that I would have one just for him you understand), and that there is NO way I would have kids with anyone else, it would have to be him (he's special)

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M2T · 11/10/2005 15:44

It changed my life for the better in so many ways! I was on self-destruct after graduating. So was DH.

moondog · 11/10/2005 15:44

Definitely overanalysing hettie (although as one myself,I know what it's like).
I never really wanted children or to get married but my dear dh who wanted both very much indeed stayed by my side for years until I eventually did both! (Married 8 years after meeting him,first baby eleven years after first encounter)

It is hard work but I can't imaginel life without them. They are such a joy and give us untold pleasure.

Having them has never stopped us doing anything or going anywhere (within reason).If anything,it has made us far braver. We travel an awful lot and drink rather a lot of good wine,both on our sofa and elsewhere.

My idea of perfect happiness is sitting at my kitchen table with my two and dh,music playing,candles flickering,wine flowing and enjoying a nice meal.

It's actually the way things were when I was a cild,I am happy to say.

M2T · 11/10/2005 15:45

Hettie - DH said to me I want a baby. I said so do I! 2mths later I was pg. We were so lucky that it happened that way. Some people finally decide to start trying for a baby only to discover they have difficulties conceiving. And that makes me very .

hettie · 11/10/2005 15:56

MT2 umme 'wonky' well I suppose I could end up a cold and unloving mum who resented her kid and was snappy and unpleasant....
Or I could be kind of ok with it but not really enjoying it, spend too much time planning escape options and send my kids to daycare then a boarding school.....
or .....I don't know, somehow I just feel I'm scared of well me not liking it. That sounds dreadfuly pathetic doesn't it. But I am quite a self-determing person and have always been quite sure of myself, I do things that make me and those I care for happy- as long as it doesn't make someone else unhappy-. I've never really subjegated myself to other peoples ideas, you knopw never ever had boyfriends who were crappy to me (attitude being if you don't think I'm worth being nice to then you can get lost, cause I think I'm an ok person) So I'm very careful to make what I think are the right choices and do things that I think are going to make me happiest......

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PrettyCandles · 11/10/2005 15:58

A person like you would probably make a very good mum - once you relaxed a bit! You can't help but do what feels right.

I too would have nothing to do with a man who didn't treat me properly. I've ended up with a wonderful husband and our children have an amazing father.

M2T · 11/10/2005 16:01

Hettie - Do you anyone that totally resetns their kids and doesn't really like them? I don't!! I know people who regretted having them so young.... not regretted having them at all.

You are obsessing about the "what ifs".... and they ate "what ifs" that you will NEVER have an answer to.... unless you have a baby.

The fact you're putting so much thought into it and the fact you know your DP would like children indicates to me that you may have already made up your mind, but are holding back coz your scared.

hettie · 11/10/2005 16:04

well its funny PC becasue all my RL friends say similar things (plus they all think I'm going to do it, but then I suspect the mums amongst them are mounting a campaign!)
Moondog, that sounds lovely! Sometimes I wonder if its becasue we/I don't have a model for what parenting is like. All we see are those awful programmes on tmaing monster children and the kids we encounter in real life tend to be the ones having screming fits in Tescoe's becasue they're the one's we notice....

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Lonelymum · 11/10/2005 16:04

To me it came down to an image of me on my death bed or perhaps as a little old lady. I just felt that I wanted to have a family around me to console me and carry on my genes. I don't know why that is important and I suppose it just sounds selfish. It was hard for me to imagine doing anything more worthwhile than bringing new life into the world. If you can think of other things you can do which will give you greater satisfaction and a sense of completion when you reach the end, then I would say, go ahead and do that instead. Children are very hard work, very draining, they almost seem to destroy your soul at times and at others, they lift it to another plane. I am burbling on now. I just want to say that I can imagine some people finding fulfillment doing other things than having children, but for me, the biological urge to continue my genes was stronger than anything.

ScummyMummy · 11/10/2005 16:06

So you're a kind of hedonistic utilitarian, hettie? Me too. I think that's a good basis for parenthood actually. I love my kids only a bit more than myself and, combined with lots of luck, that seems to have ensured that so far I've had lots of fun as a parent while pursuing other goals as I wish in a guilt free manner. It works for me.

CountessDracula · 11/10/2005 16:07

hettie, look at this thread for some honesty

hettie · 11/10/2005 16:08

mme M2T maybe your right... is it ok to be shitting myself about it !
bloody hell what are you lot doing to me! (of course there is the up side of being able to become a regular mumsnet poster, you lot are all such fun!)
I dunno, some people say 'well its such a big thing, you shouldn't do it unless you are really sure'. And I don't know anyone whose regretted it, but then it is a bit taboo isn't it? Look at the other thread (why you had kids) there are people there who are not of quite the same mind....

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SenoraPostrophe · 11/10/2005 16:10

m2t - you've given me a really strange image of what ifs eating what ifs now!

Because it's true - for me anyway - all of the doubtful what ifs (what if I can't cope etc) were eaten by the really big what if (what if I grow old childless).

Hettie - I did always know I wanted children at some point but was highly ambivalent during both pregnancies. But I have no regrets.

M2T · 11/10/2005 16:10

Hettie - lol You should do a poll on MN of how many people here actually decided to get pregnant when they did!! NOT MANY I BET!!!!!!!

So if you shouldn't do it until you are really sure then they population would be declining rapidly.

M2T · 11/10/2005 16:12

ROFL SP!! Didn't notice that typo!

SenoraPostrophe · 11/10/2005 16:12

CD - that's not the americanangle thread is it? eeek.

also just thought: speaking of resentment: dh does occasionally (resents not being able to travel so much etc) but wouldn't be without the children.

mandymac · 11/10/2005 16:12

Hettie

At 36 and never having been PG, I had no idea if dh and I were even fertile, so I basically I decided to let nature take its course. I just stopped using contraception, but didn't actively 'try'. I didn't want to live to regret not having at least given myself the chance to get pregnant, but was fairly certain that I wouldn't have gone to the lengths of IVF etc if it hadn't happened. I also knew that dh really wanted children and couldn't have denied him at least the chance of that.

I think that not being sure I didn't want them was enough of a spur for me to give it a go, as it wasn't a decision I could delay inevitably.

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