Whether to have children?

[hettie]

OK so this a little bit of a weird post considering that this is a mums board but since the ?I chose to have children because? thread I feel I can finally come out of the closet. Thing is I am in a real dilemma about whether or not to have kids. I have a partner who?d like them and would be a great dad (he would never pressurise me into having them though) I?m in my early thirties and have never thought about having kids (in fact I was always quite against it) but am now thinking if this is the right thing for me. I am not at all broody, have no innate biological desire but on the other hand am not freaked out by it. I guess I am more of the mind of ?yeah well I could do it/cope with it/ be ok at it, but I?m not really sure what the point of it is???.
It?s ok when they smile cutely and it would be nice/interesting to see what a combo of me and my partner would be like but is worth all the hard work? I mean it?s a huge slog isn?t it? There are lots of sacrifices and it?s a huge job. I just feel that I ought not to resent making these sacrifices and worry that I might. I just can?t work out if it would be worth it for me, they might bring you happiness when they smile at you/ do something cute/grow up into a nice person, but that?s an awful lot of hard grind for what seem like me to be very small moments (or maybe I?m missing something- and yes I know everyone says it?s different when they?re your own, but if I never have my own then I won?t miss that as I won?t know what its like if you see what I mean). I was really interested to read about the reasons why people had kids and would love to know more. If you were ambivalent about having them how do you feel now? Do you resent it? Would you do it again? Or perhaps its to do with situations? Do you resent it because you thought you?d get more support from your partner, didn?t think you?d end up staying at home etc?..Any feedback would be really great as it messing with my mind going over and over this in my head!

sm, yeah I guess (better description than I would have come up with though!). It's just hard because I don't know anyone like you who is a mum (actualy I don't know very many mums full stop) and has the kind of life that I might want if I was a mum...... and I'm not sure if it allowed (sounds bonkers, I know). Just, you know if people like me who aren't totaly committed should be undertaking such a serious business...

hettie don't apologise. you are quite right. having several small children makes it much harder to do things like windsurfing, sailing, trekking. These are all things which dp and I did a lot before children. and all things I miss a great deal at the moment. I don't regret having 3 chidren. all planned . but it has eliminated certain pastimes from my life for the moment.

Mandymac - Very wise post.

Thats what I worry about with my friends. They think they have all the time in the world, and when they do decide to have babies.... it'll just happen right away. But its totally normal to be trying to conceive for a year with no success!

Hettie - You don't live other peoples lives though! You would make your life fit around your baby and vice versa. You would do what makes you feel happy and satisfied! And you won't ever be fully committed until you have something that loves you so unconditionally to be committed to. I promise you. I have a friend who fellpg by accident, never really wanted kids, ignored the whole pregnancy! She's a fab Mum and just had her 2nd!!! Its quite addictive.

sometimes I think in this era the default option is to not have kids. Because you have the option to control your own fertility (well at least to prevent it happening) and becasue we can have careers and partners who are with us becasue of who we are. I have to really think why do it, not just 'cause it's what you do, or the next step.
I sometimes feel like I'd be in the minority as there are lots of thigns about how I percieve modern parenting to be that I disagree with. And although I have never minded being my own person I can see this would make parenting harder and I already have a perception that its bloody hard anyway. It's been intersting lurking on mumsnet and seeing that there are people who are a bit more like me...
Any other out there?

kids rock

being 50 without kids would be my idea of a sad life

but you can't know what its like until you take the leap .. don't think that the way you feel about other people's kids, even close relatives has anything at all to do with how you feel about your own

Of course as some of you have hinted at I could spend so long buggering about making a decision so as to take the decision out of my hands (or me or DP could end up being jaffas anyway- oh the irony)
I probably have a few years left, I just feel that I should make a decision now, becasue if I am going to do it, well I may as well get on with it!

Hettie

i think I know where you are coming from, am new to MN (getting advice as those around me start to sprog) and spend half my time thinking "wouldn't it be great - I can't wait" and the other half thinking " but I'm happy now, I have a white carpet and have just reached the point of being able to afford LK Bennett shoes what if having a kid messes it all up, then you've ruined your life 'cos you're stuck with it." I think though that i'm coming to the conclusion that it will be OK - I thought I was happy before I met DH (many years ago) and I was - but he is now the best thing in my life - without him it would all be meaningless (although the shoes would still be gooood) So I hope it will be the same with kids......Pray I'm not wrong...

I'll tell you my story if you like. I was sick of my job and really wanted a break so I thought why not have a baby?! It fit really well with my life at the time, but it wasn't like I was dying to have children my whole life. I was quite ambivalent really. Then you have the baby and you fall in love, it is truly amazing. Do it! It's so worth it. Sure it's hard, but good hard. I thought my life would be over, it wasn't. In fact I try harder to do things for myself because it's all the more rewarding to have time that isn't "mum time". I couldn't imagine life without my little boy and I can't wait to have more!

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do. I had a great career - travelled alot, wouldn't say I particularly enjoyed it but I was good at what I did and I had a great career path in front of me. Then I fell pregnant - I kidded myself that I could carry on as before - you read all these stories about these 'super' women who have it all - well I have to say I think that's a complete myth. I went back to work full time but found that with both myself and dh having a very full on work schedule that time for dd started to dwindle - coupled with the fact that she was ill all the time and we had no family anywhere nearby, it soon became clear that one of us had to give up work (with the thought that it would be temporary).

I have to say I've enjoyed the years I've had at home more than I ever thought I would - but I've sacrificed my career and a joint income and our lifestyle is completely different to the one we had before. I don't resent it now but I certainly did for a while (I never once regretted having dd but resented the situation I found myself in).

You have to go into this with your eyes wide open - if I could do it all again, I would have moved jobs before I had dd to something that had more child friendly hours so that if I wanted to go back to work after having her, it would not have been so difficult. But that's the only thing I would change. I've got 2 beautiful children now and our lives are DEFINITELY fuller and happier.

Hettie, you seem so worried that you will lose something that you could otherwise have had by having children but somehow it just isn't like that. Yes, you lose sleep, you lose the chance to be spontaneous and go out whenever you feel like it, or to travel to wild places.

But the point is you can do all those things even after having children (admittedly sleep takes a few years!) and you will have gained infinitely more than any of us can ever describe to you by doing those things with your child.

I remember the look on ds's face when he first saw an elephant. Being able to see the world all over again through somebody else's eyes is an incredible experience and sorry to be cliched but it's true -you really do realise what the meaning of life is.

shimmy,I think you can still travel to wild places with kids!!
We moved to the far east of Turkey (couple of hours from Iran) when ds was about 14 weeks.
He's already been on about 4 planes before that.

well shimmy (and others who have been so great at describing experiences), I guess in what you are saying is that there is an element of 'leap of faith' in this decision.....
Foxinsocks, I think I am reasonably aware of the job thing... In fact a career change is one the cards (although for other reasons) so not too 'eyes closed'
just think I'm not much of a leaper!

Sorry haven't read all the threads but just had to respond to this one. I couldn't make up my mind for years whether to have kids. No maternal instincts, great job, fab hubby, great life, fantastic hols etc etc. Got to 35 and panicked (selfishly at the time I suppose) what if I regret not having kids - didn't even want them, hoped I would not be able to have them so that could put a stop to the decision making. Went on to have two sons who although bring lots of hard work and yes I admit it sadness at times I absolutely love it with a passion. I have never had so many friends, loved someone so very much and cared about how my sons lives are going. I can't imagine not having them but I very nearly didn't!! Oh by the way and I have not worked in my great job for a year - can't believe that either.XX

Lord! For me this decision dosn't get any easier when you have had one! I had my DD when I was 34 because I just couldn't go on doing what I was doing - there was a huge void. Which she filled. She is beautiful, funny, makes me laugh etc. But I am not a natural mother, and although I wouldn't change her for the world and love her beyond reason, I DO find being a mother hard. Whether this be because I work, or whether this be for other reasons, I don't know. I overanalyse, I wonder about the what ifs and buts and I also spend an inordinant amount of time on the sofa drinking (cheap) wine!

However, I don't regret it and I wouldn't go back. I blindly stumbled into motherhood as I felt compelled, it was a HUGE shock to the system, but if you have a supportive husband and family/support around you, you should be fine!! Long term I could not imagine being childless abd this is what it came down to for me....

It is a VERY hard decision to make. Only you can make it. But ultimately, if you & your partner are up for it - I would go for it!

More than one however, I couldn't advise you!

this post is really interesting to read ...

personally although i wanted kids, our timing has been crap ... i would have liked to have more time to enjoy life, travelled more etc...

BUT love my two daughters to bits and could not imagine life any other way.

also, we have friends who constantly leave their kids (3yrs & 8ths) with babysitters/nannies/parents and go to weddings (2/4 days), dinners, parties etc. DH & I were talking abut how we could not do that, but it works for them ...

oops sorry for the rambling... had 2 glasses of wine and waiting to express...

So many wise words on here. My DD wasn't planned, although I always knew I wanted children. Don't know if we'll have more, but to me she doesn't feel like the end of a life, just a stage on a journey. We still do the things we did before - eat out, travel etc. - although it does take more planning, and like Moondog we moved abroad when she was 3 months.
I think Shimmy makes a really good point about seeing life afresh through a child's eyes - it really is wonderful.
I think having children is just like anything else in life - if you're not going to get bored and stagnant you need to keep moving and changing. Often just when you're getting comfortable with the old order.

It has been very useful asking all your opinions, as you've all opened me up to ideas about possibilities that I enver normaly hear. It's usualy the normal cliches, but you have all thought carefuly about what it means to you whcih is so insightful.
Is there anyone whose a mumsnetter who does resent their choice?

Where did you move to beetle?
I would also add that having travelled a lot both before and after having kids,our travelling adventures are much more exciting with kids. We are respected as a family instead of yet another boring LP toting backpacking couple.

Only to Paris Moondog, so not across the world. What really struck me was how the baby helped us to become part of the community. As a foreigner with a child you're very memorable, and we quickly became recognisable to the pharmacist, local shopkeepers, neighbours et al. Also, the fact of having to register with doctors and nannies meant that we couldn't avoid getting involved in Paris life IYSWIM.

I was again like loads on here, in a good job, financially independent etc but just felt there was something missing and that was a baby. When we were younger DP and I said we didn't want kids but I think you grow up and your priorities change. I had DD 14 months ago and it has been the best experience of my life, there is not one minute I do not regret it. I've become a SAHM (something I thought I would never do) as I just couldn't bear someone else looking after my precious baby (had to relocate to afford it though and will be poor for the forseeable future) but I am the happiest now I have ever been. It just feels so right having the honour of watching this little person grow and develop in front of your eyes.

I'm now pregnant with no 2 and I know that someday I will want to go back to work and have a life apart from babies but this time when they are young is so special.

So no I have never regretted it one bit. I think as someone said imagine yourself at say 45 will you regret not having a baby? I also think if you really really analysed it and thought about it none of us would have children.

Yes beetle,so agree with your points.
Does Paris continue to suit??

Well it does actually, but my work here is done so we're back to London at the end of the month. My client knows that we'd happily take another European placement in the next couple of years, while DD is pre-school. Here's hoping...

hettie, don't know if you've seen this thread some people aren't unreservedly happy with their decisions to have children

Like so many on here I had first baby because I sort of felt I should rather than a desperate maternal desire. I worked full time, long hours,well paid and had never really held a baby or spent much time with small children.

dd1 filled a hole in my life which I didn't even know was there. There were some terrible times in the first few months when i wondered what had happened to my life and, indeed, to me. It took a while to regain my selfconfidence, or confidence in my new self but it was sooooooooo worth it. I work parttime in the same job. Sure, I've got less 'status' at work - their problem, not mine. Definitely less money but (cliche coming) so much richer.

DD has just started school and DS is 2. We even managed to go round the world for 3 months this summer. I suspect that we did this because we had the children, not in spite of them. Before the kids there would have been too many reasons not to go outside our 'comfort zone'. Travelling like that would have been too out of control for a control freak like my previous self. Since becoming a mum I'm more relaxed, have much clearer priorities and I'm a happier and better person.

Now, where's that wine bottle (£2.99 from Tesco, white so the stains won't show)