Whether to have children?

[hettie]

OK so this a little bit of a weird post considering that this is a mums board but since the ?I chose to have children because? thread I feel I can finally come out of the closet. Thing is I am in a real dilemma about whether or not to have kids. I have a partner who?d like them and would be a great dad (he would never pressurise me into having them though) I?m in my early thirties and have never thought about having kids (in fact I was always quite against it) but am now thinking if this is the right thing for me. I am not at all broody, have no innate biological desire but on the other hand am not freaked out by it. I guess I am more of the mind of ?yeah well I could do it/cope with it/ be ok at it, but I?m not really sure what the point of it is???.
It?s ok when they smile cutely and it would be nice/interesting to see what a combo of me and my partner would be like but is worth all the hard work? I mean it?s a huge slog isn?t it? There are lots of sacrifices and it?s a huge job. I just feel that I ought not to resent making these sacrifices and worry that I might. I just can?t work out if it would be worth it for me, they might bring you happiness when they smile at you/ do something cute/grow up into a nice person, but that?s an awful lot of hard grind for what seem like me to be very small moments (or maybe I?m missing something- and yes I know everyone says it?s different when they?re your own, but if I never have my own then I won?t miss that as I won?t know what its like if you see what I mean). I was really interested to read about the reasons why people had kids and would love to know more. If you were ambivalent about having them how do you feel now? Do you resent it? Would you do it again? Or perhaps its to do with situations? Do you resent it because you thought you?d get more support from your partner, didn?t think you?d end up staying at home etc?..Any feedback would be really great as it messing with my mind going over and over this in my head!

There is a book called something like the "mad myths of parenthood" - I think it was written by a fairly well known self help type woman - anyway, it gives all the reasons NOT to do it. Unfortunately I read it when 4 weeks away from giving birth, and never felt so depressed in my life!

Hi sweetkitty and nappybaglady, thank you for responding. It's just that I worry that I don't have the sort of feeling you're talking about, I don't feel somethings missing or I have a space to fill. And what I can?t work out is if this is important or not. I still feel that (although it might not have to be an overwhelming desire as some on this threads experiences show) I ought to feel more up for it than I do. If someone told me I was infertile, my reaction would be ?oh dear, well that?s sad that I?d never get to experience that, but there we go? not ?oh my god, I can never how children how awful I?m not sure I can cope with the news?.
BTW, sorry to be banging on about this, and thanks for all listening (it?s just such an opportunity for me as I can communicate with people who have been there and are prepared to be honest about it).
Many people here have pointed out that there are many people who had this slightly ambivalent attitude who became mothers and have really enjoyed it. But it seems to me there are very few people who got pregnant totally by accident (ie for some it may not have been ?planned?, but there are less people who were taking very effective precautions for whom their contraception failed). So at some point those ambivalent mothers to be have taken a choice (even if that is to be less careful with protection and just see what happens). For me personally that choice is as good as saying I want a baby (because at that point you could never discount the possibility). And because I don?t have to do it, it just seems like a big scary thing with a lot of risk. Of course I am aware that this fear could be blocking me from experiencing something amazing, I am not conceited enough to think that what others say about the wonderful side of being a parent (I know its not all great, but believe me I don?t have any problem imagining the shit bits) isn?t true, it just that I can?t seem to totally grasp what the wonderful bits are for myself. I think this might be a slow process?? I seem to have gone from hating kids, to being ok about them if the were someone else?s, to having some glimpses on some days of the wonderful things you are all talking about. For those of you who were ambivalent when you were younger did the ambivalence start to go, or did this not really happen till you actually had your first child? Can I expect my mind to become any clearer as time progresses (and realistically I don?t have that much time left) or am I just going to have to make a decision/take some risks before time runs out on me?

Hettie
We couldn't have been more ambivilant, but like you, were in our early thirties and thought well, time's ticking and can't really remain ambivilant much longer, we need to decide whether to have children or not.

DS is now 5 months old and we're starting to really enjoy it. Didn't enjoy the first 3 months at all, didn't bond and I still don't feel anything towards little babies. But now he's smiling and laughing and has a personality its great. Its not even that hard work. But you can't predict what you'll feel like.

The only thing that helped us decide to have children is that we'll probably have them for 40 or 50 years, the baby part is just a tiny portion of our life with them, so even though we don't really like babies, its such a small part we didn't want to make it too big a factor.

But I really, really wouldn't pay too much attention to other people's experiences, because everyone is so different. The only good thing is that whatever you choose you'll never know what your life would have been like if you'd chosen differently. To paraphrase Neil Young, at the crossroads, if you don't know where you're going you can't choose the wrong road.

Hettie your writing could have been me 7.5 (or whatever) years ago. I just panicked. I remember when I found out I was pregnant with DS1 I was devestated and even wished I could wake up in the morning and it had all been a horrible dream. DH was just as bad and we couldn't even talk to each other for a couple of days. You would think we had been given a death sentence (are you getting the picture?). But as the pregnancy went I kind of got into it. Hated the first 6 months of baby. lots of crying and feeling sorry for myself about how my lovely life had gone. So pretty bleak picture but I absolutley love it (except the crap times which you do have believe me) and have no regrets. Good luck with your decision I do really feel for you as have been there myself and wasted so many years worrying about what to do.XX

Flowetop - But even those without children have really crap days!

I didn't want kids, but the condom split and I dragged myself through my first pregnancy desperately hoping that everyting would turn out ok.

I was 22, and living at home with my parents, because this was in 2002, the housing boom, and we couldn't afford a home, even to rent.

When my baby was born, I felt so guilty for ever thinking I wouldn't love him. You see, I was Expecting to be a reluctant mother, and was utterly overwhelmed by love.

It can't be that bad anyway. I'm having another one

Hi Hettie- I had no intentions of becoming a mother AT ALL. Good job, reasonable social life, tootling along - no worries. Dh really wanted kids and I didn't so much that I almost cancelled the wedding cos I didn't want kids. Never had close contact with babies/kids - v. nervous around them!
Stopped taking the pill at 36 and thought - lets see what happens. Got pg at 38 and was glad that when I found out it was going to be a boy - then I could palm ds off on dh to do 'boy' things and leave me in peace.
BOY oh BOY. Now dh doesn't get a look in - ds is now the love of my life and I would even consider retraining as a nursery nurse to be near babies!!
Pregnancy was a doddle, ds as a baby was a doddle, maybe getting a little harder now he's reaching tantrum stage!
BUT my main regret now is not having him younger as I would like to have had another - but am too nervous at this age.
In saying that - if you are like I was - you won't know what you are missing if you don't have one - so you won't be gutted - but on the other hand you won't be disappointed if you do have one.
Either way you will be happy I think. Just don't leave it too late to find out that you are converted to a baby lover!

when I was younger I just couldn't see myself in a mum role - the responsibility seemed too huge. It is huge, of course, but now I guess I must feel grown-up enough to deal with it (har har).

The thing that changed my mind was seeing my nephew grow from being a tiny worm-like creature into a minature person complete with his very own personality - it really is magical to see that constant transformation.

And to me, it doesn't seem like much of a sacrifice - I'm enjoying the change of having such a different lifestyle.

It's hard work, but then so was the job I had before I had ds, and no matter how much you love you job it really doesn't love you back.

oh aloha, you use words so well (I know you do it for a living...)
yes, for me I could not imagine myself in the future without children. Now I?ve had them, they are the reason for being here, the thing that makes me smile, they fill me with joy and delight beyond what I could have imagined. But I can see that that?s not much help for you, hettie.
I wouldn?t call it a huge slog having children (and I?ve got 3) and no, I wouldn?t say I made massive sacrifices. Yes, before they were born I spent a lot more time shopping and we used to go to the cinema most weeks, but those are hardly things I regret giving up, tbh. In fact I sometimes wonder what I did with my time before having children, and have concluded that I wasted a lot of it. I think any spare time I do have now is far more precious and thus well-used.
(sorry not read all the thread, will look more later)

TracyK - have another! I had my ds at 38 and my perfect, healthy, fantastic dd at 41 (she's eight months old now). Very easy pregnancy too.
I love having two. Ds is madly in love with his sister and her face lights up when she sees him.

Buggre off Aloha - I'd just made my mind up NOT to have another one and there you go tempting me again!!!
Dibdabs were 5 days late this month and I thought I was pg. Scared and relieved thinking I was, sad and relieved knowing I wasn't.
I'm just terrified that I would love the new baby more than ds and ignore him!

Haven't read the whole thread and I'm sure you've been warned already, but be prepared to cry buckets at anything even remotely sad.
Since DS was born, I've become a blubbering wreck!

TraceyK - oh, everyone thinks that! And they feel guilty about imposing a sibling on their darling only. It doesn't work out like that though!

Its not just me then that thinks like that Aloha?

No, honestly, everyone feels like that. I certainly did. Agonies!