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Original poster

How on earth do you cope with more than one??

39 replies

tex111 · 05/10/2005 19:37

I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my second baby. My DS is three and I've had a terrible day with him. We both have a bug and it's made me very tired but it seems to make him very naughty. Had an awful, trying dinner then the struggle to get him into bed. As I sat in the dark waiting for him to fall asleep I was dreaming about the peace and quiet and hot cup of tea I would have as soon as he dozed off. Then realised that in a few very short weeks I would have another baby waiting to make insistent demands as soon as I left DS's room. Ended up sitting in the dark in tears.

How do you Mums of more than one cope? Are there tricks to it? Especially in the first year. DH is very involved and supportive but has a demanding job and often misses bedtime for DS and has regular trips abroad. Right now I just can't imagine how I'm going to survive.

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bundlebat · 05/10/2005 19:40

adjust expectations (esp about tidiness)
use distraction/bribery to keep the peace
get second child to fit into your/ds's routines
get out of the house so the walls don't feel like they're coming in on you
moan on mn

LadyCodofCodford · 05/10/2005 19:40

dont worry
lots of poeple do it
i used to re mind myself of all the nobs who had lots of kids and seemed to still wear make up
shop, eat and drive a car. last minute nerves are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo normal - rememebrhaving tthem just before ds3 came.
ans also your baby will be calmer than youremember ds beign

you will think why DId i make sucha fuss over ONE!! really
and babies sleep or crya nd if they cry well hey ho bung htem over your shoulder and stickt he tv on!

you will become a purveryor of lower standards..

frannykenstein · 05/10/2005 19:42

Don't forget you will have all those fab post-birth endorphins and loved up chemicals, particularly if you breastfeed. How did we all manage the first time round? We muddled through somehow...

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bundlebat · 05/10/2005 19:42

oh and buy some chocolate and use cbeebies/dvd's like you've never done before

Original poster
tex111 · 05/10/2005 19:47

Thank goodness for the wisdom of MN. Must be very hormonal tonight because keep bursting into tears. Very tough evening I think.

So glad to hear that untidy houses, bribery and lower standards are embraced by MNers. I can definitely do those things.

OP posts:
Witchycat · 05/10/2005 19:49

I think bundlebat is spot on about the expectations bit. Just don't give yourself a hard time if things like housework (hah - what's that?) slide for a bit.

My ds was 3.5 when I had dd and in some ways it's a nice age gap because he can understand things like needing to be gentle with the baby but then other days he's a complete attention seeking pain in the butt so it can be hard work.

You'll get there though and things like seeing the two of them together can be really rewarding. My ds is really proud of his little sister and it makes me love him all the more. The times like that make up for the times when he's being a nightmare!.

You do get better at planning wih two. Things like making up bottles the night before to minimise the morning rush or planning days out so you have a back up when it rains.

Do you have family or neighbours that can help out ?

hoxtonchick · 05/10/2005 19:51

my ds is 3.8 & my dd is 3 months old - i know what you're thinking! but it's ok, we're coping, most of the time we're really happy . it is hard, i am so exhausted, but ds is so sweet with his sister, & she looks at him with such adoration. i'm lucky that dp is mostly home by 6:30, & ds still goes to nursery 2 days a week. i am really aware of getting grumpy with ds 'cos i'm tired & he's just being a normal 3 year old, trying very hard to stop it. anyway, enough incoherent waffling - you can do it!

Original poster
tex111 · 05/10/2005 19:51

Witchycat, unfortunately my family are all in Texas and we're moving to a new area in two weeks. (No wonder I'm a little stressed) I am making arrangements to have family over and other help for the first six weeks or so but after that I'll be on my own for the most part. I'm hoping to meet some other moms in the area as soon as possible and develop a new network but I guess it'll take a little time.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 05/10/2005 19:52

Tex - my 16 month old has seen more Tv and DVDs since i got pregnant than his big sister had seen by the time she started school. Because i was working and felt so guilty about her being in nursery during the week ( yes I know its stupid she loved it)I did all these activities with her. Poor Ds sits in his buggy in front of the Tv. Yup, you are right about lower standards......

Witchycat · 05/10/2005 19:55

Wow Tex - no wonder you're stressed out. Anyone would be at the thought of moving to an area while 8 months pregnant. I think you are entitled to a few tears hear and there.

Good luck with the networking and the mums & babies classes. Did yo uknow NCT have a website and you can look up local groups - not to everyone's taste I know, but just an idea.

Good luck

moondog · 05/10/2005 19:59

Tex,it's easier than it would seem,I promise.
I was (secretly)dreading my second baby's arrival (dd was 3.5) but it is so much fun and much easier the second time.
For one thing,they amuse each other-you don't have that intensive 1:1 thing going on which can wear you out.
Mydh is away most of the time,my family is all abroad and I moved house (alone!) when the new baby was 4 weeks old.

I'm still here,smiling and telling the tale!

popsycal · 05/10/2005 20:01

I have a just turned 3 year old and a 7 month old...the first few months are hard.....
bribery and cbeebies seems to work during the bad times

LadyCodofCodford · 05/10/2005 20:01

yes even codsmum (TM) recommends lavish use to tv in those early months

ScreamEagle · 05/10/2005 20:01

Two is dead easy!!!!

If I only had two my life would be bliss - no, joking aside, it IS hard and with me having 5 it can get stressful at times.

I am sure I'm not the only one who just found it ok with each new baby - don't you just adapt to it as you go along? I agree though with the lowering expectations bit - that does help no end!

popsycal · 05/10/2005 20:05

a couple more practical tips..
no matter what, get dressed as soon as you get up then as you change baby's nappy, get baby dressed....
feed toddler....then baby..then dress toddler
get out of the house before 10
anywhere

for the first few weeks by yourself, make toddler and yourself a packed lunch the night before so there are no stressy times....

have a few changes of clothes downstars for baby
have nappies and wipes to hand
have a changing bag packed ready to go......
go out straigght after a feed.....I felt like i was stuck to the sofa for weeks and weeks and weeks
force toddler to nap in the day
go out in the car (if you drive)
get some asda toddler pre cooked meals in the freezer....I never used them but they were there should an emergency arise
dont worry about baths for kids.....a good wash down will suffice if bath times are stressful
accept any help
try to get a little bit of time with your toddler.....as soon as baby was asleep, we would read a nice book together

Octobernow · 05/10/2005 20:16

Agree about getting baby to fit in with toddler rather than other war round. Baby won't know and toddler won't be so put out. You'll be fine, just very tired. I gave my dd1 a specific job to do to help me (she was only 12m herself so it wasn't much more than holding the clean nappy ready but she knew it was important!) - your ds will enjoy feeling protective and useful, honestly!

Moving as well? two of the top five most stressful things to do Give yourself lots of treats whenever they are both in bed. I found MN a total lifesaver tbh - first sign of a sleepy child and I would practically throw them in their cots and run upstairs to log on

FrumpyGrumpy · 05/10/2005 20:16

Its a whole new adjustment, remember to give yourself time to adjust and expect it to feel crap for quite a while. Expect to feel like you want your old life back. Expect to feel you weren't cut out for this and expect to feel overwhelmed and shattered. Slowly you'll find a new routine (one that changes every few days).

Aim for 80% not 100% in all tasks.

Look back at pictures of DS when he was really little. You'll go "aaawwww", and remember whats really important. Go easy on yourself. Come on here regularly and the support will see you through a million stressful moments. Good luck honey.

LadyTophamHatt · 05/10/2005 20:28

Ohhh, I had that "OH.MY.GOD.......what have I done??" moment at about 35 weeks with Ds3.
I was rushing Ds1 to nursery with ds2 in the buggy and was really really pregnant and the thought hit me like a ton of bricks.

So when Ds3 arrived, we were late to a few things, we had really easy dinners that I knew ds1+2 would eat for a few weeks, we re-arraranged all the toys upstairs so that they could play up there with stuff they'd forgotten about. I had constant supply of teabags!
We all survived and I'd go so far to say it was great, I loved those first few weeks.

You'll be absolutley fine.

Original poster
tex111 · 05/10/2005 20:35

So glad to hear that others have lived to tell the tale. Screameagle, five!! I am impressed. I can't imagine it.

I've heard that planning ahead is important and really appreciate all the other practical tips. I'll bookmark this thread and re-read it during those first few weeks. I have a feeling it's going to be very useful.

OP posts:
aloha · 05/10/2005 20:41

Get out of the house and stay out. That's my advice. When you are out the baby will sleep in the pram and you can't see the horrid mess at home. Parks, cafes, museums - anywhere but home!

aloha · 05/10/2005 20:42

Actually first weeks with new baby and ds (who was 3 and 3 months) were lovely and idyllic and easy for me. It is harder now dd wants more attention, but at the same time she can sit up and play by herself a bit.

Mog · 05/10/2005 20:43

Tex - I had my third when oldest was 3 years 3 months and those first months are tough but will ease. This time round I got a tumbletots video (where they dance and sing along to songs) and played this while I was breastfeeding in the evenings as dh was usually working and I was on my own. It made me feel much better than letting them just watch TV and they would get worn out doing all the dancing.

Mirage · 05/10/2005 20:48

I have 2 girls,a 4 month old & a 2 year old & still have some hair that hasn't turned grey through stress!I haven't had time to read all the suggestions but I here are mine.
Forget housework unless it is a health hazard-no-one expects anyone with 2 small children to have a tidy house anyway.
Invest in some DVDs to distract your toddler when you need to give your attention to the baby.
Keep a change of clothes for both of them in the car & downstairs.
Toddlers love to help,my eldest dd loves entertaining the baby & fetching nappies/bibs/toys ect.
Make up bottles & restock changing bags the night before.
Pick your battles with your toddler carefully,it is easier to just let some minor things go than cause an all out screaming tantrum.
Make sure you get out of the house at least once a day.As I said to a neighbour today-it is easier to deal with crying children/babies out in the fresh air than it is when you are all cooped up together in the house.
Mum & toddler groups are good-there are lots of people in the same situation there & your eldest can go & play with the others.

Hope it all goes well for you.

GeorginaA · 05/10/2005 20:50

I think the absolute best thing about having a second child is the sudden realisation that all those things you really FRETTED about with the first, don't really matter in the scheme of things! Honestly, it's been a really freeing experience.

Oh, I still fret. But on a lesser scale .

Oh, and the best thing EVER is when your eldest goes and gives his/her sibling a huge hug and says "I love you". Fair melts your heart

Everything else will come out in the wash... except maybe the baby puke... honest

Bozza · 05/10/2005 20:52

The good news is that I for one (and have seen it before on mn) found a newborn and a 3yo much easier than a 35 week bump and a 3yo.

You need to work out how you can do two things at once, ie which things will combine. Eg I could easily dress DD and tidy up DS's bedroom while cajoling DS to get dressed, because DS is a slow eater I could breastfeed DD while he ate his meal, I could read to DS while breastfeeding DD etc. Get your DS used to sitting next to you rather than on your lap for stories over the next five weeks. Read that on here as well, and it made a lot of difference for us.