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Parenting

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Original poster

daughter 4 asks and asks

37 replies

monkeyflippers · 02/01/2011 10:06

My lovely (but persistant) 4 year old daughter will ask for something (say a biscuit) and I will say yes I'll get you a biscuit after I've put your DBs socks on. So then I go to get the socks, walk back in and she asks again. I tell her again that I'll get the biscuit after I've put the socks on. Then I will be trying to get DS to sit down to have his socks put on and she'll ask again. Then once I've got one sock on she will ask again! In the end I explode!

I don't understand why she keeps asking. She has the intelligence to understand what I am saying so all I can think is that she is either just not listening to what I am saying or just speaking without thinking about what she is going to say and the consequences (me getting really mad as i always do when she won't stop going on!)

She has always been like this and it drives me crazy. I know it's only a little thing but having the same thing said to you over and over makes you potty and makes me feel stressed and hassled all the time. Also it means I have less patience for DS as DD uses it all up.

Any ideas?

She also argues about everything, acts like she is in charge and generally when she is in trouble about something (usually argueing with us) and we have told her to stop speaking for a while she just can't! She'll just keep going on and on and it drives us crazy! I often have to put her in time out just to stop myself doing something I will regret!

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OnEdge · 02/01/2011 10:12

My DD 3 is the same. I end up screaming sometimes and even then she will be persistent. We found that reducing the crap in her diet - especially sugar - really helped, also lots of fresh air and excercise. I used to call her woody wood pecker because it felt like she was a woodpecker hammering my head with questions and demands.

Lamorna · 02/01/2011 10:15

Tell her that you will get the biscuit after the socks but that if she mentions it again she won't get the biscuit. Then stick to it. She may have a tantrum which you will have to ignore and it may take a few times, but she will get the message if you stick to it.

Original poster

monkeyflippers · 02/01/2011 10:27

Lamorna - Hi, that is a good idea but we do actually do that and have been for a while but she still keeps on. Its like she just can't help it.

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Lamorna · 02/01/2011 10:34

Keep it up! Just don't discuss it. I know how irritating it is, luckily I have passed that stage. Keep sounding like a broken record with a dead pan voice and say 'I am not talking about it'.

onimolap · 02/01/2011 10:40

Try reflecting the question back:

Eg: "You just asked that, what did I say?" (answer) "Has he got his socks on yet?" (answer) "Just wait a bit longer then, please" (asks again) (repeat ad nauseam)

DH gets all MP-like "I refer you to my previous answer" or "Asked and answered".

Or you could try: "I've said yes. If you ask again before his socks are on, that'll change to a 'no'".

Original poster

monkeyflippers · 02/01/2011 10:47

"I refer you to my previous answer" - that's funny!

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Firawla · 02/01/2011 18:16

my 2 year old does this too, it is v annoying so i sympathise. i like onimolap's dh mp style answers

ChippingIn · 02/01/2011 18:23

I do what Onimo said... except I'm not qutie as 'polite' - my third line is 'Well, why are you asking me again - do you want me to change my mind?'

ommmward · 02/01/2011 19:29

some people don't have an edit button between their minds and their voices. So they say whatever is in their minds, all the time.

Your daughter probably can't concentrate on anything until the thing in her mind is resolved. Get her to sing a "waiting for my biscuit" song? Or dance a "waiting for my biscuit" dance? Or go all Dora on her, and get her to keep talking through the script "Map says, we go through the spooky forest to find Ds's socks, then we go across the seven seas to put his socks on, then we fly to the kitchen to find the biscuits. Where do we go first?" [answer] "RIGHT!!!" "Where do we go next?" [answer] "RIGHT!!!!" "and that's how we get to the kitchen to find your biscuit".

rinse and repeat.

[hmmm. reading this post, I think I am probably one of the cursed souls with verbal diahhorrea which I can't spell]

Original poster

monkeyflippers · 02/01/2011 20:50

ommmward - i think you are right about the edit button between mind and mouth. This evening while trying to get her to bed she was told approx 20 times not to scream (little fun bit very high pitched sudden screams she does while playing, on this occassion in the bath) as her dad has a very bad headache. Every time he has a headache we tell her not to scream and shout as she is sooooo loud!

Anyway so, she was told over and over again but just kept doing it so maybe that is a symptom of the missing edit button you are talking about. In the end she got massively told off and now is missing the treat she was going to get tomorrow and she is devastated. I feel really sorry for her but all she has to do is turn down the volume for a little while or play without screaming for a while. I genuinely get very frustrated that she doesn't just do what she is told (she is my oldest and I'm learning as i go along). I don't think she is trying to be naughty or anything. It's more like she just forgets even though she has a fantastic memory which doesn't make sense.

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RememberToPlaywiththeKids · 02/01/2011 20:57

I could have written your post! It's absolutely maddening and I'm someone who needs a lot of head space and quiet so having a DD as you describe is really impossible for me. It starts the second she comes in to our room in the morning and I end up begging for 5 minutes of no questions or demands until I've woken up.

I end up putting the TV on first thing for up to a couple of hours because I just can't cope!

mumbar · 02/01/2011 21:00

Agree with the changing the answer when asked 6 times. .

I use to do this (actually still do!) with DS, 6.

If he says but you said I could when.... I say but you asked again and I changed my mind.

Trying to teach patience rather than persistence is a minefield tho!

Eglu · 02/01/2011 21:03

DS1 is 7 and still asks constantly for stuff. Not in the same context. He asks for something, I say no and he continues asking. Never yet have I changed my mind, so why he continues I do not know. But it is very irritating.

Original poster

monkeyflippers · 02/01/2011 21:07

RememberToPlaywiththeKids - I totally sympathise.

Eglu 7! I was hoping they would grow out of it by that age. Worried now :)

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sneakapeak · 02/01/2011 21:21

My 3.5 yr old DS is EXACTLY the same OP.

He seems to have stepped up the questions a gear lately too which is just like someone scraping my brain all day.

I could just run away when he is like this and my 1 yr old DD is whining.

My absolute favourite is when i rush in from nursery at lunch time, she is screaming because she is hungry and he is going on and on and on.

I try to get their lunch made and pacify baby DD and he sits on his chair in dining room and shouts

"will you push me in a bit"

I say, "yes in a minute im just X Y Z"

"would you push me in a bit"

"yes, I just said yes but im not finished XYZ"

"push me in a bit"
"push me in a bit"
"push me in a bit"

FOR FUCK SAKE

Im actually angry typing this.

Anyway, not helpful but at least we are not alone.
Millions of others across Britain are ready to stab themselves in the eye with a butter knife between 12-1pm. It's a warm fuzzy thought .

iwasyoungonce · 02/01/2011 21:32

I could have written that OP - my DD (4) does exactly the same thing - and even "I'm just putting on your DB's socks" struck a chord with me!

So glad it's not just my household.

I do the "If you mention it again, you will not get it" and it does usually work. Sometimes she accidentally says it again thugh, then clamps her hand over her mouth mid-sentence and says "Sorry! I forgot! Can I still have X?" and I let her off. Coz I'm not a total meanie.

stickersarecurrency · 02/01/2011 21:32

Oh yes, so familiar. DS doesn't reserve it for questions, he also repeats every statement until it is acknowledged to his satisfaction. We've tried to reason with him that there's no need to repeat himself, but the problem is that because he yaps on so much we sometimes tune him out and then he repeats things to get our attention. This too had better fucking shall pass.

SkyBluePearl · 02/01/2011 21:34

Sounds like she wants your attention. Try giving her more positive fun attention or distracting her. Alternativly try telling her that there will be no chocolate (or what ever)if she asks again.

lagrandissima · 02/01/2011 21:41

I think it's just what young kids do. You can try some of the strategies suggested here (and there are some really good ones I'll try next time), but on the whole I think you also have to zen out a bit - I answer once or twice, and then blank any further requests until I have time to comply with them. If it's a question of having said no to something, then be asked again, I just say "No means no" and leave it at that.

I guess when you've only been alive 4 years, that a 5mn wait is a greater proportion of your life than it is for a thirty year old - and it must be frustrating being dependent on someone else for most things. They do grow out of it though.

Original poster

monkeyflippers · 02/01/2011 21:54

sneakapeak "Millions of others across Britain are ready to stab themselves in the eye with a butter knife between 12-1pm" . . . that's so funny!

lagrandissima "when you've only been alive 4 years" etc . . . good point.

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has this! A big part of me likes it that she is assertive (I wouldn't want her to be a little mouse) but it is definately draining.

OP posts:

domesticslattern · 02/01/2011 22:04

In that kind of situation I try to make a joke out of it. So it would go something like this:

DD: Can I have a biscuit?
Me: Yes I'll get you a biscuit after I've put your DBs socks on.
DD: Can I have a biscuit?
Me: No, the sock monster ate them all.
DD: But you said I could have a biscuit just as soon as you had put DBs socks on!
Me: Oh yes, silly me, yes I did. I will give you a biscuit just as soon as I have put DBs socks on. But please can you pass me the socks/ look out in the corridor for terrifying sock monsters/ go to the moon first to find the way to the biscuits/ eat this sock biscuit... .. Oh yes, now I am finished. Good girl for waiting. Who is going to help me battle the biscuit monster etc. etc. to find you your biscuit?

Depends what mood you're in if this suits or not. The blanking thing I find really difficult, I find it much easier to prattle on but not to really engage with the question IYSWIM.

activate · 02/01/2011 22:06

that's a big rigmarole

try

"Asked and Answered"

"I just said yes, if you ask again the answer will be no"

Original poster

monkeyflippers · 02/01/2011 22:20

I have trouble with your suggestion domesticslatterns, just because most of the time I don't have the patience for it. Would love to be able to do that everytime but it's just not in me! I would maybe manage that occassionally but I'd have to be in a good mood. (My mood is often a bit low for various reasons which doesn't help)

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mumbar · 02/01/2011 22:20

This did remind me of in the car today. We are travelling along the motorway and joining an A road to join next motorway.

DS askes: 'What junction do we come off at'

I explain no junction and how it works, 1 minute later asks again and gets same explanation and repeated once more.

THEN we exit the motorway and onto A road and he asks ' what junction was it we came of at'.

I told him 56!!

HIS REPLY: but you said the junction doesn't have a number.

Cue me screaming telling him bluntly that I was trying to concentate on driving and if he wasn't interested in listening and believing the answers then to sit in the back in silence.

I do think it more the needing wanting to talk.

Original poster

monkeyflippers · 02/01/2011 22:22

mumbar - have lots of conversations like that, on a good day they are cute but on a bad day they drive you crazy.

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