If you didn't fall in love with your baby immediately, please tell me your story

[MorrisZapp]

My gorgeous, wanted DS is 3 weeks old and although I love him dearly, I'm not 'in love' with him yet. I haven't felt that rush of maternal love yet and I'm hoping/ assuming it will grow in time.

Did anybody else go this long without being madly in love, and do you love your DC madly now?

sorry if someone has already suggested this, but i found being physically close helped me feel closer to dd - felt i could empathise more with her as a tiny baby rather than feeling annoyed when she wouldn't sleep etc - i used a stretchy sling. hard to articulate it but i just felt more attached to her and more in tune with her.

I didn't feel as if I really loved dd1 until she was 6 months. When they smile at you and their eyes are full of complete trust and love for you. That's when I felt it back.

Fascinating.

babyphat i agree, with ds, everytime he woke in the night, he fact he was afraid of the dark etc made me feel angry/stressed/perhaps more tired and almost made my not feeling so close to him feel justified?
i dont know if its possible, but looking back, maybe remembering every baby wakes through the night etc and taking a few deep breaths may have helped with everything.

Great thread! There is the rush of love sometimes and other times its just falling in love at a nice steady pace but as long as it ends with love its all good!

With DS1 it took 3 days.

With DS2 the rush never came, but I love him dearly. Don't know what that was about.

With DD it didn't happen until she was 9 month sold. Then it happened one day as she was in her high chair eating her lunch. I burst into tears of joy. Caring for her before that had been wierd, as I'd looked after her well, breast fed her. But I remember thinking when I was changing her nappy one day, it was like caring for someone else's child.

(I realised shortly after I had PND)

All very odd.

i remember feeling really disappointed that i had had a second boy as i wanted 2 girls. It didnt affect me with my first born as i kew i would get another chance. But i remeber the minute the midwife said " oh its a boy,i cried because i was disappointed". I found it difficult to smile for the photos.
After a few days i felt totally differnet because he was so beautiful..... i love him to bits and i wouldnt change either of them for the world. i am so proud of them both. But despite my age i would still love to have a bab girl....unfortunately biological clock has ticked

I wanted to update this amazing thread. DS is almost 8 weeks now and while things are still hard, we've made a lot of progress. I really do love the little guy now.

We visited a nursery for him, and it struck me how important it was to me that he only gets the very best of care. Even breast feeding feels like less of a chore now that I'm doing it for somebody I really care for.

Watching DP fall in love with him is truly a joy. I can't pretend that I find it easy or that I make a natural mother, but I am so excited about the future with our wee boy and so glad now that he is here.

There is light at the end of the 'newborn childcare hell' tunnel. Thank you all for helping me to find it.

I haven't still had any kind of a "rush". DS is 13 months old and I have been diagnosed with PND, which fluctuates together with DS's sleep and moods, so is actually more like frustration and exhaustion.

Have felt inadequate and horrified for my son. What a fate to be born to someone who just kind of just tolerates you most of the time, and is feeling less than tolerant at night. Although, I am beginning to enjoy him a bit now that he is moving and beginning to talk (well, he says mum). Like so many posters already said, until very recently it has felt like I have been caring for someone else's baby. I also wanted a girl, which he isn't. I longingly look at the girly stuff in the baby clothes sections in stores and just know I will never get to buy it.

I have analysed this to death, but I think I wanted a girl, because I wanted to give birth to "myself". To a friend, who would understand and I would understand, as well. A boy is kind of "alien", especially when he looks like your husband and nothing like you.

I haven't finished read but wanted to post as these replies are making me cry.

I didn't fall in love with DS straight away. The labour was horrific. I had to be induced as my water broke but labour didn't start naturally, I was on a drip and so tied to the bed. I was having contraction every 2 minutes for 8 hours before giving in and having an epidural. And then about 4 hours later I started contracting again and had DS within half an hour with a full epidural and still being able to feel every damn thing.

When he came out, he had the cord wrapped round his neck and was unresponsive, so they had to taken him and revive him a little. Even then he didn't cry, I was waiting to hear that cry to be sure he was ok. I didn't get to hold him for ages and I was so tired having been awake for 56 hours.

I was so self concious when I did get to hold him, it didn't feel like he was mine or that I was allowed to make decisions for him. They found that I had strep b after I delivered and so DS had to whisked off for antibiotics after only a very short feed.

I remember the ped coming in and thinking she was terribly young and asking if she could take DS. I told her that he hadn't really fed and needed a nappy change, but she said not to worry and he would only be gone half an hour.

We were moved down to the ward without him and it took 4 hours for them to bring him back. During which SCBU rang to tell us his blood sugar was low and to express some milk for him. He came back to me crying, starving and dirty, and I felt terrible that I hadn't done something and angry that I didn't feel it was my place to do something.

We spent a week in the hospital and it was horrible, all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and have a cuddle with DH but couldn't. I don't think I started to love DS properly until we got home.

Even when we did , a few weeks later I turned to DH and said 'I worry I don't love him enough', and he told me 'You love him enough to worry about not loving him so it is enough'

I never got a rush of love, but DS is the most amazing little boy and I'm so glad we had him.

I really wish I'd read this thread weeks ago - I distinctly remember crying inconsolably on my HV while my 8wk old ds stared up at me from his cot. I couldn't conceive why I didn't feel the much hyped 'rush of love' and it made me feel the most acute sense of guilt and self-loathing. I felt like a failure and a fraud as a mum (yes I like to be dramatic).

I was diagnosed with PND and relieved beyond belief to read it was a symptom of the illness as I was convinced this was my 'lot' and my poor ds would have to go through life with a mummy who was acting the part convincingly enough, but crying by the bucketload in the shower.

Ds is 16wks now and we're making progress. I don't expect miracles but I have faith that things will get better and better and DS will become an intrinsic part of the v fabric of our lives as a family.

What a fantastic thread - poignant, touching and deeply candid.

I never bought the 'you will fall in love the moment you clap eyes' conventional wisdom.

I never had PND. I knew that the more time I spent with my baby, the more I will grow to love it. And I did and do. Much easier once your dc has a personality to develop proper feelings for him/her.

Why set yourself up?