If you didn't fall in love with your baby immediately, please tell me your story

[MorrisZapp]

My gorgeous, wanted DS is 3 weeks old and although I love him dearly, I'm not 'in love' with him yet. I haven't felt that rush of maternal love yet and I'm hoping/ assuming it will grow in time.

Did anybody else go this long without being madly in love, and do you love your DC madly now?

Honeybee and Morris, please try not to beat yourself up. This is a much underacknowledged thing that happens to lots of mums.

With my DD after a relatively okay pregnancy and labour, I clearly remember thinking to myself " What the f* have I done? I can't get out of this" I also remember after my mum came over for the first week and on the day she was going home when I said goodbye and closed the door on her I felt the MOST overpowering urge to open the door and run after her and just go back to my childhood home with her leaving my DD behind. I cried and cried and cried from going back to the post natal ward until about 6-8 weeks later. I did exactly as other posters said - kept her fed, clean, warm and safe but to me she was an inconvenience. I too dearly missed my former life - I had my DD in my late thirties too - of no responsibility, lots of lie ins etc- as selfish as it sounds, and you know what I still sometimes miss it even now. I found it really hard going from an independent professional woman to this (what I felt at the time) almost nothing role. I even used to watch workers coming home in the evening and feel jealousy. It's a very lonely time and mine was an easy baby too. The sleep deprivation magnifies all these feelings a million times too - I think it's natures biggest joke, you spend a day in labour making the biggest physical effort you have ever made and you need a weeks sleep to recover, that's the precise time when you don't get any!

I clearly remember first feeling love about 3 months as she sat in her springy chair and stuffed a fist in her mouth and soothed herself to sleep. She looked so sweet and I though "ahhh" I seriously think that it also takes a good 3 months for your hormones to return to normal and about that time I suddenly felt much better and back to myself physically. I had a fab supportive mum who came up once a week for the first 3 months which helped immensley - if you have family/friends who you can bear to be around then utilise their help even just to cook you lots of dinners. The othet thing that helped me massively was getting out and meeting other mums and seeing it wasn't just me in the boat and laughing together and swapping tips etc- getting out even for a sort walk each day to prevent me going stir crazy.

All the other posters are so right - things will change, as you get more interaction the love grows. It IS early days. I personally would bypass the new baby stage and fast forward to about 9 months if it was possible! My DD is 2.5 now and I just love her and have so much fun with her, it brings tears to my eyes to think how much she means to me. Hang in there - it will get better!

Also I should add it's amazing how you do get back to your old life as time passes - I now manage to work full time in a much more responsible job than I had before DD on 50% less sleep - if anyone had asked me if I could manage on a lot less sleep pre-children I would have just laughed but here I am doing it! Plus you do get to start going out a bit now and then and then pre-school arrives - hoorah!

I think this should go in Mumsnet classics, these stories are amazing and so reassuringly helpful. Can we nominate it?

I'm nodding, 'Yes, yes,' to all of LeQueen's posts on this thread. Insightful, well-written and, for me at least, like a nail hitting the head bang on.

I didn't get a rush of love with my first baby. I had a hard birth, horrible time trying to breastfeed and was beset with crippling anxiety from the start, really. I'd describe my feelings towards him as intense and primitive: a kind of'protect this defenceless creature at all costs'-type instinct for him which was love, it just wasn't the warm, cosy, fuzzy feeling I thought it would be.

You are normal .

Keep a check on your anxiety, though. Mine got out of hand about 4 months in and I did need a bit of help to get my head straight again.

If it wasn't for broken sleep, post birth trauma, endless nappies, sore boobs, feeding/wieghtgain dramas and not being able to leave the house without military precision, I think we'd all get thta ruch.

I had a C - section so the oxytocin thing didn't really happen and feeding was a nightmare. First week I was blissed; then I got the baby blues when I realised that the hard work wasn't going to end for about 18 years.

The fierce love grew. I remember thinking ''whose nose is that?'' when I first saw her cute but unrecognisable nose.

She's lovely but bonding takes TIME.

that rush sorry

i find it really hard not to love the oldest most. she can talk, understands things, gives back ......

yeh. babies don't do it for me. building the love takes time.

Totally humbled by all these comments - honeybee, I too was really struggling with bf at one and a half weeks but now at 3 weeks it's easier.

I don't enjoy it but I'm glad I'm doing it, it feels like the right thing.

He's a fab little guy but this is clearly going to take time. Thanks so much everybody for sharing these difficult stories - it's kind of the 'last taboo' isn't it.

When I had my first child I had gone through an awful 18 hour labour and the had a c-section. I did not see my baby until the next day and that was in Neonatal unit. It took me a while to bond with her and felt like I was not a real mum because I had not given birth.

Three years later I had my son by elective c-section and was worried I would feel the same again. However I got to hold him straight after and bonded with him almost instantly.

I don't know whether it was because of the different situation? because I already knew how to love a child? because I got to hold him straight after? I really don't know but I love them both so much now and that is all that matters now!

Similar to TSC, i fell pregnant with dd whilst using contraception 6 weeks after getting married. I hadn't even decided if i wanted any children. i cried each and every day of that pregnancy whilst doing my characteristic "perfectionism" facade. I had a grim labour and she screamed so loudly when born i was shell shocked by the whole experience, no rush of love at all, just bewilderment. She was poorly with early jaundice and I didn't have a clue what was going on. i remember them taking her away from me at 3am muttering about SCBU and taking bloods and catheterising her. when i saw them hurting her ( although they had to she was poorly) I knew i never wanted her to suffer like that ever again.

After that i experienced a kind of euphoria and then a horrendous crash partly due to the bad undiagnosed anaemia I had following the birth. Although I loved her desperately i'll be honest I HATED looking after her. She was hard work at first colic from 2pm to 10pm every day for months, hated breastfeeding and she wouldn't take a bottle grom.

Had ds a year ago and had a much easier time, but no sudden rush of love. Quickly felt it though and now absolutely adore him. But still TBH don't enjoy parenting that much sometimes. find it restrictive and onerous, still miss my old life. Weekends do my head in a bit, having to think of stuff to entertain the dcs, being with them the whole time, me and Dh bickering about the housework and childcare.

However now dd is 4 I'm far more relaxed around her and a good Mum I think, I enjoy spending time with her. i love ds but find it stressful being with him because he's a baby and I find the clinginess and crying almost unbearable, so DH looks after him mostly at the weekends as he's so much better with babies than i am.

some of us just aren't cut out for babies we're a lot better when they're older!

Thank you for this beautiful thread. It has helped remind me that I didn't have that instant rush of 'falling in love' with my DD when she was born. I'm currently expecting DC2, having a horrible and sad pregnancy (I lost DC2's twin at 13 weeks and am struggling to come to terms with it) and have been worried that I won't love DC2 as much as my DD. I needed to be reminded that even if its not instantaneous, love comes with time.

With DD, I had a brilliant pregnancy and a relatively easy delivery. However, I remember them putting her on my chest after she arrived and me nearly dropping her in the water (it was a water birth). I was shell shocked from giving birth and just felt numb. When the numbness lifted, I was anxious about everything. I had no experience with newborns and was worried I'd do everything wrong, break her, etc. In comparison, my DH, who was probably the only person on the planet with less experience with newborns, fell in love immediately and seemed so confident about caring for her...

I'd read all the baby books on the market (big mistake) and they just terrified me more. I was convinced that if I didn't get her on a routine in the first few weeks, I'd never get any sleep ever again, I'd never be able to return to work, I'd never be able to meet up with friends...

Then one morning several weeks after her birth, both DD and I had fallen asleep during the pre-dawn bf. I woke up before her and when I looked down at the beautiful little girl that I'd made - mouth wide open, making little snuffling noises, and with total trust in me - I felt such a rush of love that it brought tears to my eyes, and still does today.

DD is now 2.5 and is the centre of my world. It has only gotten better as she has developed her own personality and opinions and the ability to communicate them.

Morris, your fast forward button resonates with me! My DD is nearly 8 weeks old and while I think there are many delightful things about her, I would really rather that she could speak in order to tell us what's wrong, and so that we could enjoy her company more... I know it'll come, and I do think she's gorgeous and lovely, but mostly she's a lot of work, responsibility, and worry right now...

I haven't read the whole thread but I can relate. DS was born by section extremely prematurely and I didn't even see him before he went to NICU. I went to see him later on and I remember thinking that I couldn't have picked him out of a line up, and I was afraid to have any feelings for him because if i'm honest I thought we were going to lose him. It took a while to really feel strong love for him but I really do love him overwhelmingly now. I couldn't hold him at all for nearly a month and I don't think that helped.

I can also relate to those who don't enjoy the baby care! DS was in hospital for months and I was desperate to bring him home but when I did I found it really boring looking after him I like it better now he's a bit more 'interactive' but sometimes I find myself wishing the time away until he can talk.

I think the rush of love must be lovely if it happens, but if it doesn't the expectation of it is just yet another thing for mothers to feel guilty about.

My DS was so tiny when he was born (and I had had such an anxious pregnancy after recurrent miscarriages), that I felt afraid to fall in love with him at first, like if I let myself do that then something terrible might happen. As he got a bit bigger and was obviously healthy despite being a weeny little thing, and especially when he started to smile and laugh, I fell SO MUCH in love with him.

It took several months for me to "get" maternal love with DD, but it definitely did, slowly, over time. I think breastfeeding helped, as did the first smiles.

When DS arrived, it was instantaneous. I remember getting him as a newborn back from nursery in the hospital at night, thinking if he was stolen from there, my life would be over.

Don't worry, it will happen.

Oh it's so normal not to feel the rush of love, so normal, why do people get made to feel like it's the be all and end all? I was lucky because my mum had always told me that she wasn't overly bothered about us when we were born, but it grew in time.

DS was born by C-section (elective but I didn't find it a particularly pleasant experience), I knew nothing about babies, was terrified I wouldn't bond with him and then had horrific shrieking colic for the best part of 6 months. But when he was a few weeks old and started to smile and make cute noises (and I realised how much I was distressed by his distress when he was crying) it became clear that he was everything now.

DD was a less stressful birth after a crap pregnancy and I felt completely elated when she was born, but still no rush of love. She's 5 weeks now and other than being way more placid than DS was she's yet to show signs of interacting with us. I know that when the smiles come things will start to fall into place.

FWIW (and please don't take this to mean it will be this long for you, or that it won't be fun until then) I really only found my feet with DS once he was toddling and starting to walk - that stage is just completely breathtakingly wonderful :)

I so expected to get the ?rush of love? upon first seeing my baby as I thought I had fallen in love with him before he was even born. However, my first thought upon scooping him up out of the water (we had straightforward home water birth) was ?he looks weird?. I couldn?t get over the feeling that he wasn?t really mine? he didn?t look like I expected and I?d never seen a brand new born baby before - they look kind of squished and swollen looking and covered in greasy waxy stuff?
I wanted to care for him, and I felt hugely protective towards him, but it took weeks for me to think of him as actually my son, and that I wasn?t just looking after him for someone else.

He?s nearly 2 now and of course I love him more then I ever thought it possible to love anything.

I guess the whole bonding thing is just different for everyone (pretty much like everything else when it come to pregnancy/giving birth/parenting) ? it just doesn?t help that there is this kind of expectation to feel a certain way. This is the first time I?ve ?voiced? these feelings as I was worried people would think I wasn?t coping or I wasn?t a good mum? its obviously the norm!

hi, i've only read the 1st couple of posts on here, but felt i should add my bit. when dd was born we both has that instant parental love, i just assumed that this was the norm, so when gave birth to ds 17months later, felt sad that i didnt feel any love for him. it took a really long time to admit this, even to my dh, as i felt so ashamed. strangely he said he felt the same. i cant remember how long it took for me to connect properly with ds, but was probably a few months.
now i feel guilty that i didnt feel the love for him when he was born as i did for dd, but can only hope that we've made up for it, and now feel completely for both our children, equally. they both mean the world to us.
also, not thinking of ttc #3, but if we do, i will speak out and voice my concerns to midwife from the outset.
you will be fine, some things can just take time.

Brilliant thread. I fell pregnant instantly with DD, which was a shock in itself as I had convinced myself it would take 6 months at least to conceive. And really, the shock never lifted. I think I was numb and in shock throughout the whole pregnancy and probably also had ante natal depression. I was also extremely stressed due to recently having moved house and job, DH being unemployed and my own job being a nightmare. I also had terrible insomnia from about 4 months onwards; in hindsight this was no doubt due to all the stress I was under.

Everyone told me my bump looked like a boy bump and I was desperate for a boy and was secretly dreading having a girl. DD was born after a straightforward labour and birth. I felt numb, but managed to fake some excitement and enthusiasm for her for the benefit of the midwives and DH . DH meanwhile was instantly besotted with DD. I had to stay in hospital overnight alone with DD, having no clue how to look after her. I remember at one point I was trying to change her nappy, I put her on the bed, realised I had put her down very close to the edge and she could have fallen off. I then hesitated before moving her to the middle of the bed where she would be safer. I hesitated before moving her because I thought if she fell off the bed and died I would be better off as I didn't actually want her and felt resentful and even hatred towards her. I never admitted to my true feelings about DD to anyone, not even DH. I hid them and put on a brilliant act of being the devoted mother.

We went home from the hospital. DH was with me at home for about 2 weeks and then I was on my own. I had terrible PND, which nobody around me picked up on (perhaps because I put on such a good act of being fine), cried in the shower every day, managed to do my duty by feeding and clothing and bathing DD but I didn't feel anything for her, not love, not even resentment anymore, just...nothing . The first time I had the slightest hint of a feeling for her was at around 6 months. From then on it has been a very, very long and slow and gradual process where I am only now able to really genuinely feel the love I have always known I have had inside for her, and she has just turned 7. Until now, I have been doing the 'fake it til you make it' thing which was hard.

When DD was 2.5, I had DS. With him things were completely different. I knew I loved him from the moment I found out I was pregnant. Somehow I knew he was a boy even before it was confirmed at the scan. And when he was born I felt that instant powerful feeling of love which has deepened and grown every day since then and DS is now 4.5. He has me wrapped around his little finger, I fall more in love with him every day.

It is so cathartic to be able to write about my feelings in this way, so thank you for starting this thread. And it is so reassuring to be able to read about other people's experiences. I know now that my feelings about DD were normal for me, given my particular background and childhood experiences, and I don't feel ashamed or guilty anymore, but it is liberating to be able to write about them without fear of judgment or criticism.