Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

If you didn't fall in love with your baby immediately, please tell me your story

187 replies

MorrisZapp · 20/10/2010 21:21

My gorgeous, wanted DS is 3 weeks old and although I love him dearly, I'm not 'in love' with him yet. I haven't felt that rush of maternal love yet and I'm hoping/ assuming it will grow in time.

Did anybody else go this long without being madly in love, and do you love your DC madly now?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Unwind · 20/10/2010 23:06

It did not happen for me either. I don't remember how exactly old she was, but I realised I had fallen in love with her the first time she had a fever. I felt utterly terrified for her. And as she has got older, and began to engage with me, she has brought me so much delight and love.

After a traumatic birth experience, and I don't know if yours was, you often become hypervigilant, constantly anxious, unable to relax and revel in your bundle of joy.

Unwind · 20/10/2010 23:06

and congratulations!!!

kidsncatsnwine · 20/10/2010 23:08

DD1.. a few mins. Instant love (followed by PND tho!)
DS1 ..about 4 months . DD1 was only 13 m when he was born and I was knackered and shell shocked!
DD2.. instant love again even tho more knackered (3 aged 2 and under!)
DS 2. About 18 months. Really. He has special needs and from early on the panic and stress and sheer misery of having my baby not responding , not smiling etc.. well severe PND followed. But in the end it came and I love each and every one of them with every fibre of my being:)

None of them are any the better or worse for instant bonding or not. It comes, whether slowly or quickly.. it will come!!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
maktaitai · 20/10/2010 23:09

It was all very much 'let's get on with it' for quite a long time. Didn't bother me - surely every single parenting book says 'don't worry if the rush of love doesn't happen immediately', isn't it the worst kept 'secret' in parenthood?

Sometimes I'm not sure if I have ever had the rush of love. I like the private moments though - mooching along to school looking at him a few steps ahead, bouncing in weird patterns and being the Tardis and then being Chewbacca, and then finding a conker and shouting 'YES' in triumph - he's just so funny all the time. Then I get the wobbly guts good and proper. I love primary school age children - babies are very cute and all, but tbh they all look the same. Parenthood is a marathon, not a sprint.

CoinOperatedGirl · 20/10/2010 23:15

Yeah, I had dd and was overwhelmed by the feelings when she was born, there were still rough times ahead though, adjusting to parenthood. Eventually it became normal etc.

Didn't feel that rush of love at all with ds1, had an/pnd was a very difficult time (Mum died) etc. I don't feel I really bonded with him at all for a long time (faked it). he's 4 now and I love him to bits, he's a squidgy lump of loveliness. Can't say when it happened though, was gradual I think.

mymotherisveryold · 20/10/2010 23:24

I didn't get the rush of love with my dd1. I can remember thinking, 'it's good that I don't love her, I can bring her up objectively.'

Original poster
MorrisZapp · 21/10/2010 10:23

Oh wow thank you all so very much for sharing these - it makes me feel a million times better!

My DS is gorgeous, and he brings joy to all who meet him, except for me it seems. I feel very vigilant, caring and responsible but I don't feel joy yet.

I had a normal pg and birth, but as an older mum the whole lifestyle change has been an enormous shock. I can't wait for the wee lad's first smiles etc, and already we're enjoying bathtime each night.

I know I will get there, thanks so much for responding and for being so honest.

OP posts:
MardyBra · 21/10/2010 11:49

Glad it helps. And take care of yourself.

And please do come back and let us know how you are getting on.

onadietcokebreak · 21/10/2010 11:57

It took me months. In hindsight I may have had p n d. One nights when he was 4 or 5 months old I think we clicked. Still have attachment issues with him now but trying to address them

GooseyLoosey · 21/10/2010 12:02

It took me a long time. The first time I felt much of anything for ds was when I took him for his first lot of jabs - I felt very protective towards him - not overwhelming love though. I think for me, once my children could talk, I fell in love with them.

Ds is 7 and although it probably took nearly 2 years, he rocks my world! I would jump in front of a train for him in heart beat. As others have said, it does not come in a rush, but creeps up on on very slowly and one day you will just realise that it is there.

BornToFolk · 21/10/2010 12:04

I didn't get the "rush of love". It was a difficult labour so when he was born I felt more like "thank fuck that's over!"

The first 6 weeks are hard because it feels like you are giving, and giving, and giving and getting nothing back. But then you get smiles...then giggles...then kisses and cuddles...then the first "mummy" and the first "love you".

To be honest, I found the whole baby stage a bit of a slog. For me, the fun started when he could talk and I absolutely loved the toddler stage. He's now a hilarious, charming, infuriating 3 year old and I love him more than can be put into words.

Changebagsandgladrags · 21/10/2010 12:08

It's quite difficult to love a newborn. They don't do anything apart from cry, wee, poo and sleep so I found I was a bit detached for a while. Plus I felt an eegit for cooing at a baby that wasn't interested.

Around 6-8 weeks when you get your first smile, then it'll start.

loler · 21/10/2010 12:28

spurtingjugulars says what I wanted to so nicely!

I can remember saying to dh that we would get a really good price for 2 wk old dd on ebay - both being graduates and her being good looking in photos and healthy. He laughed and said "oh but you wouldn't". I really would have done - he fell straight away - think I moved from caring for her to loving her after a month or so.

DS was a shock as he was going to be a girl (in my head only!) - took a very long time to really love him and I sometimes still wonder! As someone else said it's the shared moments that let me know I do love him - doing the thumbs up when he's done a width at swimming, finding treasures in his pockets when I do the washing, giving my hand a squeeze when he's scared.

ds2 surprised me again as I did get that huge rush.

That said - it makes no difference now and I do view wall dc the same. Like all relationships - sometimes you immediately click, other times you love someone when you get to know them.

Bumpsadaisie · 21/10/2010 12:36

Even if you do think you love them when they are newborn (I did) you grow to love them much more as you get to know them and a relationship develops between you.

I think I love DD much more now than when she was newborn (though I cared about her an awful lot then - nowadays, its much more personal - her little face, her funny little ways, I really love her as a person).

scareistheball · 21/10/2010 12:36

I took to my bed with DD for the first two weeks of our time at home together (which wasn't until she was 5 days old. I was exhausted and recovering from a complicated pregnancy, long labour and emergency c-section). By the time we emerged I couldn't imagine life without her.

Bumpsadaisie · 21/10/2010 12:38

When you hear his little voice say something for the first time, you will love him! Every time my DD says "mamm-ma!" my heart melts!

keepmumshesnotsodumb · 21/10/2010 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsVidic · 21/10/2010 12:49

my dd is 16 months and for us it went like this:

DP loved her instantly

Me? Well the first 3 months was bout pure survival

3-6 months- she was brilliant and if push came to shove i would have her again

6-9 months every day is exciting, they do so much more, totally love her

9-12 months - I enjoy spending time with her and would have another!

You are not alone- its a massive shock to the system and you are recovering- also you have been with her for so long now- she was in control of your body for 9 months and unfortunatley/ fortunatley she will be for the next 4 months at least. Dont expect so much from yourself as you do love her- you're probably to warn out to realise how much

countryhousehotel · 21/10/2010 12:49

MorrisZap I had dd (now 4) in my late 30s and spent the first few weeks in total shock at what had happened to my life. I had a difficult labour which didn't help. I think I grieved for the life DH and I had before she came along. I know I loved her, but I felt just like you described at first. It did change, so that the anxiety and upheaval of becoming a parent for the first time was replaced by total love.

Then I had ds in January this year. He was a natural birth, no pain relief, so not only was i euphoric from the labour but I was totally smitten from day 1. None of those anxious feelings from the first time. So I think a lot of what you describe is very natural and judging from the other comments on this thread not uncommon for a first baby.

slug · 21/10/2010 12:52

Don't beat yourself up about it. I remember saying to DH when DD was about 6 weeks old that she was lovely, but if they were both stuck in a burning car I would probably try to save him first.

A truly horrendous birth experience probably didn't help. But you know, now, when I look at her sleeping face, I can't imagine life without her.

SlaughteredSheep · 21/10/2010 12:53

It's been so lovely to read everyone else's stories. It has made me feel so much less on my own - so thank you OP. No one talks about this sort of thing in RL, it seems a bit taboo.

It seems quite difficult to love a newborn as you don't really "know" them do you? In the first few weeks they need so much and it's all so thankless and it's when their little personalities start to emerge that you really feel that you're starting to know them.

I'm 22 weeks pg with DD2 and I'm fully prepared not to get that rush and I know not to worry this time. However, on the other hand, I'm worried that I will get it and feel guilty as it's one of the things that I missed with DD1. Mothers never stop feeling guilty do they? Confused

OP, I meant to add a Congratulations! In my last post [hsmile].

MrsMagWeary · 21/10/2010 12:54

Congratulations. And I hope you are reassured that you're not alone. I remember sobbing to my mum on the phone when DS was about 2 weeks that I was looking after him out of a sense of duty, not love. She then said that she'd felt that way with all (4) of us. I suspect it's really common. Falling in love was definitely a very gradual thing for me. I know I love him now but couldn't tell you when it happened.

And DS didn't smile for ages which didn't help. I remember reading that he "should" be smiling at me from about 6 weeks. Well, his first smile wasn't until he was 8 weeks and they were reserved for his aunts rather than me.

selfishmum · 21/10/2010 12:56

Wow, what a good thread, wouldn't it be nice if more first time mums could read all these experiences.

I remember saying to my mum when dd was about 2wks old...'I really, really like her, but don't know if I love her'...and my mum was lovely and said 'it's like when you first meet a new man, you think 'wow,you know what this could go somewhere but i need to get to know you a bit more first'...and she was right.

The love for DD came gradually and my joy and enjoyment of her increased loads once she started looking at me and smiling. I never felt overwhelmed by it though.

My DS was born 3 yrs later and I fell totally, utterly and completley head over heels in love with him and finally knew what my friends were talking about - was totally overwhelming love and felt scary!

I love them both now in different ways - you'll be fine, don't worry!

MNTotoro · 21/10/2010 12:58

I didnt with DD1, but did with DD2. Ironically I now get on better with DD1 than DD2.

I still feel guilty that I didnt adore DD1 straight away.

And I often feel guilty that I dont currently have the best r'ship with DD2.

You just have to try your best. The love will come.

spursmummy · 21/10/2010 13:09

It took me about 8 months to realise I loved my DD. I didn't have any complications while giving birth to her but she turned my world upside down and I struggled to adapt. Plus I felt under pressure that I hadn't had this massive wave of love that people (and in particular my dad) went on about all the time. I actually looked forward to returning to work so I could get some semblance of my old life back.

Then, when she was 8 months old, I realised I unconditionally loved her. Now when I look back at photos and videos from when she was tiny I can see that I really, deeply cared for her and did a brilliant job, I just didn't realise it at the time.

DD is now 3 (or "a big 3" in her words) and is beautiful, clever, and in turns funny and infuriating, she really keeps me on my toes! I love her to bits and can't imagine life without her. If she ever has children I hope I will remember the first few months of her life when I felt numb and bewildered and hope that I can give her all the support and encouragement that she needs if she goes through the same. So please don't feel alone, looking at this thread lots of us have gone through this and looking at most of us now you'd never have guessed.