If you didn't fall in love with your baby immediately, please tell me your story

[MorrisZapp]

My gorgeous, wanted DS is 3 weeks old and although I love him dearly, I'm not 'in love' with him yet. I haven't felt that rush of maternal love yet and I'm hoping/ assuming it will grow in time.

Did anybody else go this long without being madly in love, and do you love your DC madly now?

When DD was born, I felt it would be presumptuous to say I loved her. We'd only just met. I also felt that maybe I was cheated of the oxytocin (the "love hormone") rush because I had a c-section. Now I think she's the best thing ever.

Nobody says that the only good marriages are based on love at first sight, do they? Yes, they happen and can be great, but a slower-growing relationship can be every bit as solid too.

Wholeheartedly agree that it takes a while for the unconditional and all-consuming love to kick in. It used to upset DP when he asked me if I loved our DS before he was born and I replied "I don't know him, so how can I love him?".

I have to confess that I was shocked and almost cross when the midwife put DS on my chest after he was born - I had forgotten why I was there after the trauma of 2 hours of induced pushing and just wanted a little rest.

DP was in tears at the birth, overwhelmed with emotion and absolutely sure he loved DS, whereas I was all about the practicalities of feeding and caring for him - that instinct kicked in immediately, but sometimes, in the first month or so, as other posters have mentioned, it felt like I was looking after someone else's baby.

I remember feeling the inescapable certainty of everything being different from that point on, with no way of going back.

Now, though, when he puts his little head on my shoulder and rests his cheek against mine, I know that I am almost at bursting point with love for him - but for me, there wasn't a "whoosh" moment, it's just been a gradual thing, getting to know and love this new little person.

I am writing this before reading the thread, but here goes.

I expected there to be that rush of love when ds was born, but there so wasn't.

I had really really wanted a girl, and when they said "It's a boy", my heart really sank. They handed him to me and I couldn't even see his face. His head was all deformed from the birth and it was like they had just handed me a baby alien. He was nothing to me. I actually found it difficult to call him by his name at first. Then the crying started, and didn't stop - I just kept thinking "I wish I'd never got pregnant". There were health issues for us both too, as well as PND. It was nothing like I'd imagined.

Anyway, it took until he was at least 11 weeks before I started to really fall in love with him. It has grown and grown ever since, and I can honestly say that I truly adore him. I love him and I am in love with him. He is my life and I would literally do anything for him.

It will come, you just need to give it time. Are there any circumstances that might have led you to feel like this?

Congratulations too! Took me at least 3 months, maybe more with DS, it came very gradually and there was never a 'moment' when it whooshed but boy is it there now! It was there straightaway with DD 2 years later but then I didn't have such a big transition to make, knew what to expect, and had had an easy birth that time.

around 8 weeks with both of them. I remember being in hospital with DD1 and thinking if a nurse came over and said 'this isn't your baby, we need to take her away' i wouldn't have batted an eyelid! She didn't look like I imagined, I was overwhelmed and so, so tired. I was just worried about giving the impression that I was doing everything right.

It wasn't until she had her 8 week jabs and spent the day crying and grizzling unless she was in my arms I realised 'she wants me, because I'm her mum' and it just made me melt.

Agree that it's like falling in love all over again, not love at first sight. It starts off gradually then you find youself nuzzling your face in their gorgeous baby skin every chance you get

I think it can take months - and is nothing to be ashamed of though understand it's pretty worrying when everyone else professes to being in love as soon as the little mites pop out.

It does come. You are still recovering physically and still in shock emotionally no doubt. Giving birth is intense and tough so be easy on yourself.

yes totally understand and dont worry.. i didnt fall in love with my first ds at once either, i kept him safe and fed etc but it didnt happen till he smiled i think..

never eally thought anything was different though till had second ds and immediately fell in love with him and then dd later.

sometimes think with the first child all the stress overtakes the relaxation needed to fall in love.. you know more what your doing with subsequent childen..

dont worry.. all will be fine.. relax and take easy..

also keep visitors to a minimum if poss so they arnt always cuddlinbg the baby.. you do that.. and ask them to do other stuff.. like wash up or iron for you...

I didn't get the "whoosh" at all. I had DS because DH really wanted a child, and I loved him enough to give it a go even though I was very worried. Had an emotionally horrible, if physically easy, pregnancy convinced that I'd made a horrendous mistake and ruined my life - I was much more frightened of the baby being here than I was of giving birth. Something clicked when he was born and all that misery and anxiety went away, but it was a much more practical, "right, he needs looking after, better get on with it then" kind of click. It helped that he slept pretty well right from the beginning!

I think it may be relevant that I'm really not very emotionally sensitive to hormones - don't get PMT, didn't have mood swings in pregnancy, don't get the oxytocin rush that people talk about when I breastfeed (if only - it's a sometimes-painful chore), so it's perhaps not surprising that I didn't have a flood of love for DS when he was born. He's now 9 weeks old and I do love him, but it's developed gradually as his personality's developed - I agree with the poster above who said it's pretty hard to love a newborn. DH, on the other hand, loved him more or less straight away: I have to face it that if he had to choose which of us to save from drowning, DH would save DS, whereas if it were the other way round I'd save DH.

Am sitting here crying reading these posts! All so true and so wonderful.

DS was instant.

DD, 4 weeks today.... I'll be totally honest and say that due to massive issues with my Mother I was desperate for another boy and was very shocked when she was born. I didn't even want to hold her at first

About 3 days later, I looked at her and thought 'you are not my Mother, I am not my Mother' and finally realised I could love her for herself and not resent her for reminding me how much I hate my Mother as I had imagined.

I have twins. I got the huge rush of love for my DS who was born first. I think all the love I had inside must have gone on him? He was given to me straight away and my DD who was born a few minutes later was given straight to my DH.

I still feel guilty about it now. I got the feeling of love for my DD when she was about 3 months old. When I told my DH about the rush of love I felt for my DD he was shocked that it had taken so long. My twins are 7 now and my DD will say 'you love DS more than you love me' That hurts, I beat myself up about it sometimes and think she's knows how I felt, albeit a long time ago.

It will come x

It took me over 2 years to really love my ds. I know now that this was due to a traumatic experience and suffering from ptsd after the birth.

I looked after him because it felt like the right thing to do, but I know that I didn't love him. He was over 2 before I told him that I loved him - I feel horrid about that but I couldn't bring myself to say it when it wasn't true. I feel terrible that my son wasn't loved by me for all that time but I can't go back and change it. All I can do is love him the best that I can from now onwards.

I was the same - I was expecting thunderbolts and they just weren't there and I felt like a freak.

But then I think that some people just lie about it and they didn't feel it eithr, but feel like they should, and so it perpetuates.

I love all my kids to bits now - but I wasn't 'in love' instantly.

Interestingly, a good birth doesn't always equate to instant rush of love. My DS's birth was wonderful- calm, at home, in water. It was honestly (mostly!) blissful. But I didn't bond with him immediately; I wanted someone else to hold him so I could get away from him for a bit and have a shower (the same way I had felt after having DD).

Like many others here, I was practical, protective and behaved as though I loved them but I felt quite bewildered by them and my lack of feelings for them.

Needless to say, I am now deeply in love with them both. I can't remember exactly when or how it happened so I don't think it was a 'rush' of love; rather a slow-burning love.

It is wonderful when you realise you love them. It'll come OP; you're doing all the right things in the meantime and I'm glad others' stories have given you some reassurance.

My son is nearly a year old and honestly, honestly I didn't really properly feel 'in love' with him until he was about nine months. Perhaps it is something to do with him being able to crawl round then, and choose to crawl up to me and blow raspberries on my neck and legs, smile at me and babble. Like there was a bit of communication there.

When he was born (difficult forceps birth), I really would have been happy if someone would have taken him away for 48 hours so I could get some sleep and deal with the enormity of what I'd done. I was diagnosed with PND though so that probably has a lot to do with it. But although I cared about him and could see he was lovely and told him I loved him, I didn't love love him till recently. My husband did straight away though, so I felt like a bit of a freak. Glad to know I'm not the only one!

It took me 6 weeks with both DS and DD. I had a traumatic birth with DS and then he had his jaw dislocated by the forceps (undetected) and we had a nightmare feeding (despite my protestations that something was wrong, just told to 'get on with it' by the midwives). He would scream as he was starving, I would scream silently as BF was more painful than the birth. I think it really affected the way I bonded with him. It wasn't til he'd had it popped back in and could latch onto the bottle (I'd given up BF by then) I could see that it wasn't just me being crap and I could start to bond.

When DD was born I wasn't as panicked as I knew what to expect. BF was a doddle in comparison and everything went smoothly birth-wise. However, I'd been told in a 3D scan that she was a boy so I'd really bonded with the DS I thought I was getting. Both DH and I were flabbergasted when she was a girl, so it really affected the way I bonded with her at the start.

My best friend always talks about this 'gush of love' that she had when she looked at both her kids. It did come, but sneaked up on me 6 weeks later. I remember distinctly a moment when I was gazing at both and just thinking 'I would die for you' and that I loved them so much I could eat them up!

Absolutely wonderful thread, I'm so glad I asked for help. Thank you all so much.

I will confess I did want a girl, and am a bit jealous of all the girl mummies I meet. But my wee boy is perfect, I just need time to get used to the idea of him. I had a very lazy, indulgent lifestyle before and I have thrown that away now, I can't go back.

It's the biggest thing I've ever done, but I know that in just a few weeks it will start to feel better.

DP is wonderful with him, so funny and spontaneous. I want to be just like that too but for now it's 'fake it til you make it'.

I'll keep checking in, keep the stories coming. I think we all feel better for admitting this stuff. God it's hard.

DS was instant, DD took well over a year. She wasn't at all well when she was born so I shut down emotionally as we thought we were going to lose her. Following her recovery, she was a very "challenging" baby!!! - which extended the love process even further. I remember crying copious tears to DH (who was very understanding) and thought I'd never feel the same love that I had felt for DS.

Fast forward six years and my darling little girl is asleep on the settee with a nasty case of croup and I worry and fret and pace the floor waiting for her temperature to go down purely because I love her so much!

I'm now expecting DC3 and am going to be a little more gentle on myself regarding the rush of love that we're expected to have.

I truly think that motherhood is the last bastion of media hype - nappy adverts drive me berserk - why can't we all be left to develop our love for our babies in our own time? Early motherhood sucks (quite literally!) for most women - we're exhausted, have sore nipples, interfering families, other children, the grief of the life we've left behind...

It will come, honestly, it might be like the flick of a switch or it might be a slow burning candle but you will love and protect your little boy with the strength of a she-wolf.

Haven't got time to read whole thread, but I did not have that rush with DS1 (first baby)

Had a horrible horrible PTSD inducing birth and once he was born I just felt pleased it was over!! I did not get a rush of love at all I just felt glad he was a boy - I remember being glad about that, that he was the sex I wanted if preference is allowed!!

It was so hard dealing with him at first and I can remember saying to the midwife while I was still in hospital "I don't think he likes me" as he howled the ward down!

Within a couple of weeks I knew I loved him but I could not connect with the feeling of love if that makes sense (think that was shock from his delivery and how hairy it had been)I was numb at that point.

The first time I remember an overwhelming feeling was when he was a few weeks old (can't remember exactly) at baby clinic. I saw a girl I did parentcraft with, her daughter was 7lbs at delivery and DS was 4lbs heavier than that (which was partly the prob with his delivery!) and she noticed immediately and asked when he had been born and then said loudly "omg how much did he weight then?" so I told her and she laughed!!

DS1 was asleep peacefully in his car seat looking so cute and I remember feeling a rush of love and protectiveness, I wanted to punch her for laughing at him!!!! I was so cross I can still remember the feeling of how dare you laugh at my baby

I know she did not mean it but at the time it kick started the mummy instinct!

The love came from there. He's 7 now and I could not love him more. Don't worry, it will happen in time.

DS1 was about 18 months. He was unplanned and I never wanted kids.

I loved DS2 straight away. I remember being back on the ward a couple of hours after he was born, stuffing my face with chocolate, reading mags, BFing DS2 and thinking, 'bugger me this is the life!!'

It was exactly like that with my dd (dc No1). I really wanted a girl, I had an easy-peasy birth, she was an easy baby, but I just didn't have that instant love rush. I would say it took several weeks to recover from the shock of actually having a baby to look after and it was only once the reality had sunk in and I started to bond with her that the love came. Loved her madly ever since and more and more each day (she's nine now). Interestingly I didn't have the same experience when ds was born two years later -that was an instant hit - it was almost like an extension of my love for dd and I loved them both even more. Didn't have Mumsnet in those days to dicuss these things and it's the sort of thing I didn't want to talk about in RL.

The best bit of advice I got a few days before my first was born was - dont be surprised if you dont feel it straight away. I had an idea in my head of what my baby would look like, and this strange looking, completely different creature popped out. I remember thinking - who are you???

Needless to say the ferocious mummy love did come.

BUT if you are feeling low in yourself, please have a chat with your health visitor/GP??

I didn't go to antenatal classes, but watched this

They cover this very thing on the dvd. The uber-midwife (so reassuring) says that out of every five women giving birth, one will have an immediate rush of love, three will think: "oh a baby, now where's that tea and toast?" and one will look at the baby and think, "God, what have I done, what an ugly baby..." .

I think this was brilliant advice. I think I fell into the 3/5 category - I had pushed for an hour and a half and was prepped for section, then delivered with a high forceps which meant he didn't cry for well over a minute. I have photos of when I first held him and even then I didn't feel much. I remember crying over him a lot in the hospital, sobbing actually.

For me, the crazy love came some time in the first or second week, helped (I think) by the fact I followed the advice on this dvd and spent the first week at home in bed with him doing lots of skin-to-skin and quite a lot of it with him in a nappy. I also spent a lot of time, as she had suggested, inspecting him. Looking at every last bit of him and also photographing him from every angle so that I came to "know" him on the outside.

I suspect (totally without evidence) that without this it would have taken longer, I don't know why I think that but I do.. there was definitely something about the skin-to-skin and close confinement together that worked well for me.

I love this thread. thanks for starting it and allowing us to share our moments.
I didn't allow myself to anticipate a safe arrival having had a very late failed (20 weeks ) first pregnancy. Could not allow myself to hope. Then my little one came early and was in special care for 16 days. My husband told me a while ago that he found my behaviour quite shocking (that I was not devoted by the bedside mom from time zero) and I see his point but think he expected me to be this totally obsessed and in love mom and instead I was more finding my feet with what my obligations were. I did feel really excited going to see him and also very nervous like I was being watched
(well in retrospect I was as my husband pointed out what he thought). Did I fall in love ABSOLUTELY. I described it like a love affair, that stage of butterflies and excitement and then a settling down into a relationship. How long, not thought about it but it can't have been a few months. I enjoyed his smile, his existence, his noises, his company and my heart melted. But love, i think that took longer. More than a few months anyway. Can't say when, just i know that like other moms posting here, I am so thrilled to have my boys as part of my life.

First of all congratulations on your new ds! And you are very brave for raising this issue as most people (myself included ) feel too ashamed to bring it up.

In my experience I had always wanted children, had a breeze of a stress free pregnancy which i loved and a okish labour ( nearly needed emergency c section but just got her out in time resulting in stitches and 3rd degree tear). Did not bond with her at all just went through the motions feeling so low and horrible as a person convinced I was damaging her. Most nights were spent crying over her apologising for being such a useless failure of a mother. The guilt I felt was immense! Slowly though the fog began to lift. There was no defining moment but one day I just realised I loved her more than breathing and could squeeze her to me forever. She is now nearly 3 and I can't imagine life without her she brings me so much joy and I love her utterly.

That experience helped when I had ds, was the same no rush of love but this time I knew it would come in it's own time; which it has.

Anyway, didn't want to hijack about my experiences! Just wanted to say you're definately not alone, take each day as it comes and enjoy him being so little as it won't last long! And don't worry, soon you'll be posting that you love him too much!!