If you didn't fall in love with your baby immediately, please tell me your story

[MorrisZapp]

My gorgeous, wanted DS is 3 weeks old and although I love him dearly, I'm not 'in love' with him yet. I haven't felt that rush of maternal love yet and I'm hoping/ assuming it will grow in time.

Did anybody else go this long without being madly in love, and do you love your DC madly now?

My DS1 born after perfect almost painfree waterbirth, but even a few months later I didn't seem to love him in the way I'd loved DD when she was born. By the time he was 1 year old I loved him as much as DD but it did take that long.

OP I so identify with this: "DP is wonderful with him, so funny and spontaneous. I want to be just like that too but for now it's 'fake it til you make it'."

I know exactly what you mean about 'fake it till you make it' and feeling weird and hollow about it. The love will come, and it will surprise you, don't worry. Be kind to yourself. You have just gone through the most amazing life change and frankly I don't understand the people who take it all in their stride. My world was turned upside down!

I remember finding it really odd having DS sleeping in our room with us, when I just wanted quiet time with my DH just to rest in those early days after giving birth, BFing at all hours, etc. I felt jealous of the baby for coming between us, and sad I couldn't join my DS in his unconditional love. Not the most mature feelings in the world perhaps, but I felt 'em! And now I love my DS so much if anyone so much as looks askance at him on the bus I would happily kill them. Whereas before I probably would have been happy to give him away to the first granny who showed an interest.

I so know where you're coming from with this too: 'I had a very lazy, indulgent lifestyle before and I have thrown that away now, I can't go back.' I felt/feel the same. The good news is to some extent you can. You have no idea in the sleep-deprived first few months how you could ever go back to your old life but once your DC is older you can go out and see friends, go back to work and work hard if you want to, get drunk, stay up late, etc. When you have PND everyone bleats on about how important it is to 'do something for yourself/have some time for yourself' I totally understand if you think that's impossible now it basically is with a very small baby. But I promise you, it gets better, and easier.

You are doing a good job. Be kind to yourself. I promise you the love will come. Nature sees to it we invest so much time in our DCs that we end up loving them almost by default I think.

5 wks for me. I loved DD from birth, would have done anything for her, protective/scared etc...but I suddenly looked at her trying to smile one day at around 5 wks and thought 'wow'. I too worried about why I didn't feel that from birth, but boy do i feel it now (10 wks), she is amazing. I think it coincided with feeling more confident with her.

I too identify with the OP and YourMam. YourMam you have pretty well managed to sum up my feelings about my firstborn and also my DH's relationship with her. He was so easy with her and I felt absolutely helpless.

It took me six months to sort out, the things that helped me were that I stopped expressing,my husband changed jobs and could not "work from home" as much.

As with all people that you meet for the first time it will take time to build a relationship. Once its in place its pretty unshakeable.

As YourMam said be very kind to yourself. Take care.

I remember feeling so inadequate and unable to admit that I hadn't had "the rush" when someone I knew was talking about how much she loved her DD, how amazing that rush of love was etc, etc.

I had a really "good" birth, at home, in water, but after a long latent phase. I really remember thinking, you look sweet, how nice, and then being happy to leave her with dh while I went for a bath. When she went to sleep easily that first night, I just got into bed and went to sleep. I still feel bad when people go on about how they sat up all night wondering at their baby etc. I just wanted to rest!

I definitely faked a lot of it in the beginning, watched others and copied, and then, without noticing, it becomes genuine.

When DD was about 6 weeks, some kids threw snowballs at us, and I went mad. My inner Mummy tiger took over, and I realised I would kill/die for her without thinking.

It gets so much easier as they smile, babble, laugh etc. Keep going - you will get there.

I'm not sure it was whether DD was the result of IVF (6 yrs and obscene amounts of cash later...) but all through the pregnancy from egg transfer day onwards for the next 38 weeks I was in denial that there was going to be a baby, mainly because I couldn't believe something wouldn't go horribly wrong. The second she was handed to me I had a complete FFS what have I done? moment. Which lasted and lasted. Difficult feeder and sleeper plus DH was working away from when DD was 4 months old to well after her first birthday. She also got all her teeth early, molars included which really added to the fun. I think the 'in love' bit happened at the point I had a stand up row with my line manager about my absence from work to look after my sick child. I felt stupidly confident simply because I realised that I would protect her at any cost or effort; that if ANYONE even looked at her funny they'd better be able to run bloody far and bloody fast and I would still hunt them down. Ahem. So sort of a rush (of blood to the head!) I suppose. But not the traditional type; and it took almost a year.

TBH don't worry. Fake it till you make it most definitely worked in this house.

I had DD by emergency section under general anaesthetic, so I had the strange experience of meeting her for the first time as she was tucked up next to me on a hospital trolley as I was wheeled to the post-op ward. I didn't know what the hell was going on and didn't really feel anything when I saw her other than, 'oh, I didn't expect you to look quite like that'.

Then for weeks I just thought I had ruined my and DH's life by having a baby and wondered (seriously) if it was some sort of conspiracy that people who had made the mistake of having children would tell the childless that it was great having a baby etc to make them have one and suffer too. Honestly, it was hellish - and still didn't really feel much for DD.

I think it crept up on me really slowly. About week 10 I had the beginnings of an overwhelming fear of something bad ever happening to her and I realised that I loved her more than I had ever ever loved anything or anyone ever and it was very strange. Now she is 5 months old and I quite often find myself shedding a little tear when I am putting her to bed at night because I love her so much.

I felt very similar to previous posters, I didn't bond with them before they were born and found it difficult to imagine a baby in there so it was a shock when one came out.

With dd1 it took a week, I had a difficult delivery and I was in complete shock for a few weeks. However, exactly one week to the minute of her birth I burst into tears because I was so happy and in love.

With dd2 I had a fantastic birth and wanted immediate skin to skin but when she was whisked off me immediately as she had a previously undetected birth defect. I remember being weirdly calm when they took her to a different hospital by ambulance and just wanting to go home to bed. It wasn't till I had to hand her over to the anaesthetic nurse at three days old for surgery that I realised how much I needed and wanted this tiny girl in my life.

Thankfully they're both fine now, I always thought it was the lack of immediate skin to skin with both.

Oh, and yes, DH was totally besotted from the first moment, but then he held her first, wasn't exhausted from a traumatic labour etc I guess. He was far more natural then me, I felt like I was pretending. But right now she is asleep in her basket upstairs (makes her sound like a cat!) and I miss her so much I almost wish she would wake up so I could cuddle her.

The thing is, if you have a difficult birth, or even if you don't, once the baby comes out you're knackered. All you really want to do is sleep. I'm sure there are some mothers who feel that 'rush of love' but I'm willing to bet it's the exception not the norm. With dd1, I remember about our 3rd night in hospital (still no sleep...5 nights and counting) holding her in the crook of my arm, seeing her look up at me and thinking 'you and me, kid, against the world' and that was it. Before that I profoundly wished someone would just take her away for a while. Dd2 was more instantaneous when they finally let me see her but by then I'd woken up from the general anaesthetic thinking she was probably dead, which alters things a bit.

Ginga that's where I'm at right now - thinking I have ruined both our lives. I half wish I could give him back, which as you can imagine makes me feel hideously guilty.

I keep breaking the future down into small, manageable chunks in my mind especially 'in 3 weeks he'll be 6 weeks old and able to smile' etc.

I have a friend who is pregnant just now, I keep saying to myself by the time hers arrives, mine will be sitting up and gibbering away to us.

I know we shouldn't wish time away but I am so struggling with the newborn stage. I want a child, not a screaming alien to care for. And my nips are in agony.

Thanks again for all these wonderful comments.

dd1 I had the instant rush. dd2 it just grew over the weeks. It was probably 6 weeks before I loved them equally.

Don't worry, being tired and hormonal messes with your emotions and its very early days anyway.

And pain is very wearing as well, (esp if you know every feed is going to hurt) but hopefully your nips will be on the mend soon.

My first few weeks and months were very stressful, lots of feeding problems, wondering if I was doing things right, guilt about FFing, and generally feeling like DD was a massive inconvenience. I was always worried about when she would wake up, her cry seemed so much louder and angrier than other babies, when we had a maternity nurse came in to help us improve her sleeping at 7 weeks, the nurse admitted that DD "had stamina", which of course terrified me. I remember a particular day when I'd been to the midwife, and she started to cry and the midwife picked her up and began to talk to her in this lovely soothing voice and she stopped crying... I nearly wept iwth relief and I remember thinking please, please, just hold her for a bit longer, don't make me go home on my own with her, I can't do it....

fast forward to 6 mo, and I totally fell in love with her, and realised the difference. I would spend hours kissing her. And now, 2yo, I think she is amazing, stubborn and frustrating and bonkers, but definitely amazing. It will happen, don't worry.

With DS1 I literally felt a rush the minute I saw him, it was like pins and needles all the way up my body.

With DS2 I was under GA when he was born (crash section) and he was poorly so had tobe transferred to a neonatal intensive care unit in a different hospital. When I got to hold him the next day I didn't recognise him and I checked the tags on his ankles to make sure he was mine .

Five months down the line I am absolutely besotted with him. It will happen for you too.

OP I could have written what you just wrote ten months ago. I was always thinking, 'Oh when he can smile it will be better... when he's sleeping through the night it will be better...', and then feeling guilty about wishing my precious baby's life away. For me, it was so much better when I stopped BFing at 6months. I too found it suffocating. (My GP who was lovely, and helpful beyond the call of duty about the PND, said, 'I have never met anyone who didn't find breastfeeding painful.') Maybe it was the hormones. Once I stopped I lost a load of weight without trying at all and felt more energetic and like myself and better able to cope with the enormous demands of a small child. It gets better! And there are a LOT of people who will sympathise with you about the horrors of the newborn stage. You are not a weirdo and have nothing to feel guilty about. I fully agree, it is nightmarish! And I was shocked because I am broody and I genuinely thought I would love it. What an alarming lack of self-knowledge.

You are doing well. Hang in there. Feeling your pain old bean.

That's an amazing post insidetrack. I've discussed my feelings with the midwife and HV so they are aware of it.

Thanks so much for your honesty.

YourMam thank you so much. Thank you all so much.

If I am really honest, my feelings were first shock, then resentment! No great rush of love, the great rush was the overwhelming sense of responsibility!

I was 35 when dd was born and I got PG totally accidentally. She was very much wanted after we discovered the pregnancy - we had pretty much given up on the idea before that. But I had a traumatic induction ending in EMCS. I think I was grateful to still be alive. The baby was a bonus. That sounds so callous, but that was how I felt then.....

She was gorgeous but all I could do was look on in wonder. I had no clue what to do.
I spent the first few weeks in a daze. I was on co-codomol for a while which probably helped with that.

My memory of those early days was that I could no longer watch the news as the world was too terrible and that I had panic attacks when it was bathtime. On the good side, dd was a fantastically good baby and we had lots of cuddles in the afternoon.

At some point between then and the end of my maternity leave I became absolutley besotted. Couldn't say when exactly though. DD is 6.5 now, at school and a right madam. I love her madly and miss her when she is away from me, though equally she enfuriates me when she is with me....{grin]

I didn't have any problems with labour or post birth part, but it was very functional.

Wasn't until she was about 6months, that I realised that I loved her. I was on the bus and realised I was looking forward to seeing her.

Before DC1 someone told me about this overwhelming live you have and how if you had to choose between your baby and dh there would be no contest ever. About how maternal love is fierce, protective and intense like nothing else.

The day we got home from hospital with him, we put him down asleep and I remember saying to dh "He's lovely and I wouldn't swap him, but... we could always have another one but I'd never ever get another you" . I had a traumatic labour and birth and breastfeeding difficulties that were truely horrid and landed us in hospital. I think if I were a cat and he a kitten I probably would have bonded so badly I'd have abandoned him, IYSWIM. My doula friend told me I needed not just to love him, but to fall in love with him. I remember looking at her like she was crazy.

But, I went through the motions. I tried really really hard, and by 8-10 weeks I was totally smitten. I was in love. I remember putting him into the car and some bloke coming up behind me and tried to shut our car door on us, having a go because my car door was touching his -penis- -extension- posh car. I erupted into a primal rage and tore strips off him... you see he came up behind me and my Mummy Bear gene thought he was threatening my baby. He looked really scared and I shocked myself. I was so fierce about my baby I would attack to protect him .

Now there are 3 DCs. DC2 was an instant rush. She was mine from the moment she was born. DC3 was as well, but not as strongly as Dc2, and she's grown on me more and more as time goes on.

I still feel I have a way to go with getting on as well with DS as I do with the girls, but that might be about personalities and not having as much in common. I definitely love them all, not least when they are sleeping angelically .

About 5 weeks for me before I felt i really loved my DS (now 14 weeks). At first i was shell shocked. Then I was horrified at how helpless he was and how helpless I felt myself. Then, some resentment, everything has changed. But yes, the love came. It did end up hitting me suddenly. There were a myriad of emotions, and I kept thinking there was something wrong with me. I loved him, but was not in love. I am now. :) I think that new mothers are not done any favours by being sold the crap that you have to be overwhlemed with maternal joy and lioness feelings. You have just undergone the most profound change in your entire life. It is an earthquake in your life, so it just takes a little while to readjust sometimes. It does not mean you are a bad mother!

Right now, my DS is everything to me, and the huge joy I have is wonderful. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night just so I could go and look at him sleeping. :)

It's funny but I really can't remember being besotted or falling in love with either of my two. They are 11 and 10 now and I love them very much, but I'm not in love with them. Perhaps that's just a baby thing, or maybe it's just one of those things that I missed or is just so much a part of how I think about them that it's just normal to me. Not sure really, but I'm not a baby person, I find the high dependency of babies that some mothers adore really suffocating.

I have enjoyed my children more and more as they have grown up, and to be honest I think it's great, I've never regretted them passing through any of their stages, because I love watching them grow up. So if people tell you that you are wishing your child's babyhood babyhood away and imply that that is a bad thing to do remember that you will be your child's parent for the rest of their life, hopefully for many many years. Some people's 'precious moments' come especially at the baby stage and some come later, I think this is to do with your own personality and the baby's personality too (my dd was a pretty awful baby and has been a real pleasure ever since, both for the same reason, she is very much an outgoing people orientated person, whereas ds was an easy baby and a much more difficult child because he is very independent and internally focused). At some stages of our mutual lives we've meshed well and others we really haven't, and I expect that will be the case forever really.

I really felt terrified at what I'd done when ds was born, my life was OVER. Now he's 4 months and somewhere in that time he's become my wonderful son. I rush home to him if I'm out, watch him sleep and smiles make me melt. He's just rolling and he loves using his new skill to roll to me then stroke me with his tiny hands. How could anyone now melt at that.

I think the moment when it clicks is when it drops that YOU are the absolute centre of their world, nothing else hardly registers to them. The little eyes worship you and that is almost scary, yet the best feeling in the world. They love you so completely.

I remember leaving dh and ds in the bedroom and running to the front room and SOBBING for ages because I thought they were better without me. I even had it cross my mind if I died 'accidently' it would be better for ds as he'd be brought up better but wouldn't think I'd left him deliberately.

I didn't actually develop pnd though, despite VERY extreme baby blues around 3 week for a week or so. Clearly up quickly (thankfully), partly due to dh being very good to me.