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Parenting

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Original poster

Was it reasonable for the health visitor to laugh when I said I was still bfing my toddler?

88 replies

nesomja · 23/09/2010 16:17

I had the most awful 2 year check for my ds yesterday - large group, personal questions asked publically to everyone (e.g. have you all had smear tests?), organised for every 2 year olds nap time, blah blah blah. Then when we finally did see the HV she actually laughed at me when I said I was still bfing my 26 month old. She said 'this question will sound funny but are you still bfing?'. I said 'oh yes', whereupon she said 'no!, no!, you're not?' and I said 'yes I am' and she just behaved as if she couldn't believe it. I could just see her thinking 'nutty over-involved parent' as she asked 'so you just have one child then?'. Luckily she didn't ask about co-sleeping :)

This whole incident made me feel terrible - she then followed it up by saying I should have started potty training at 18 months and when I said he couldn't sit still for any length of time and showed no signs of readiness suggested I should stop giving him fizzy drinks (he's never had a fizzy drink).

My DH says he doesn't know why I even bothered going but somehow I feel I have to go when I'm asked, but they surprise me every time with how awful they are. Is there any way to challenge this or should I just accept it? I find that I am upset by it and feel judged even though I know I shouldn't. Anyone else had similar experiences?

OP posts:

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smallwhitecat · 23/09/2010 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KnitterNotTwitter · 23/09/2010 16:23

Nope HV was a nutcase. You should complain. I would.

Plumm · 23/09/2010 16:23

Don't go back. Who potty trains an 18 month old anyway?

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MrsKitty · 23/09/2010 16:24

HV sounds bonkers. Potty training at 18mths - we didn't even start until 3.

She had no right atall to question your ongoing b-feeding. I'd consider making a complaint if I were you. Not sure to who though - the PCT maybe?

bamboostalks · 23/09/2010 16:24

Smear test questions? How random, my dd didn't even have one of these. It sounds bizarre. You can hardly get into to see a HV where I live never mind find one with that level of involvement.

Witchcat · 23/09/2010 16:26

Oh that not nice. Report her.

My HV knows that i am still breastfeeding and will be untill DS is at least 2 and that we are co-sleeping.

I have not been laughted at once as it is my decision on how to raise my son. I have also stated to them that the world health orgainisation recommemneds breastfeeding as a mininme till 2 years old. So they cant realy go agenst it.

But i have been asked to be a breastfeeding peer supporter two times now!

Its the best thing you can do for your child ignore her your doing great

StealthPolarBear · 23/09/2010 16:27

That was completely and utterly inappropriate, and she acted completely unprofessionally. I am angry on your behalf. You really need to complain.

Original poster

nesomja · 23/09/2010 16:27

There were so many things wrong with this check up session that it's hard to know where to start - I wouldn't have told her anything about his development after the bfing response as I lost all faith in her. It seemed best just to say there were no problems with anything as I was sure I'd get an unhelpful response.

Mrs Kitty, I'm also not sure who we would complain to and haven't had good experiences complaining in the past - usually get back annoying letter saying that they followed all protocol and that I am being oversensitive...

OP posts:

Chaotica · 23/09/2010 16:28

I'd complain too.

Don't think I was asked at DS's 2.5 year check.
OTOH my HVs are mostly quite sane and helpful.

Original poster

nesomja · 23/09/2010 16:30

Witchcat, I also brought up the WHO guidelines (with different HV) but they were dismissed - 'what's so magic about being 2?' she said (and then said in her experience continued breastfeeding was all about the mother, not the child). The more I write about it the more angry I am actually - but I think it's a problem with all HV in our area, not just this nutter - haven't seen a good one ever!

OP posts:

Witchcat · 23/09/2010 16:38

I would complain, they all need to do their homework, there are loads of stats on the benefits of prolonged breatfeeding.
HV are supposed to help mums make the healthest choose. They seem total uninformed.

Its so important to have a good HV. They need reporting.

belgo · 23/09/2010 16:41

It's a shame she laughed, I supposed she was just surprised. Well done for bfing so long! I don;t know why she assumes you only have one child, I'm bfing ds aged 23 months and I have three children.

BTW many children are ready for potty training at 18 months, one of mine was; but if you don;t try, then you don;t know. It is certainly not bonkers.

StealthPolarBear · 23/09/2010 16:48

Surely part of her job is to support the mother though, and she made her feel awkward and judged from start to finish?
And please don't tell me no-one can "make" you feel anything - part of a HV's training surely should include how to be supportive and non-judgemental (and the bloody WHO guidelines)

Oh and FOR HER INFORMATION nothing happens at age 2. Which is why the WHO don't actually recommend stopping at that point- they recommend keeping going for as long as you want.

Booboobedoo · 23/09/2010 16:54

Ime, it helps to CC any complaint letters to as many High-Up Types as possible.

So send it to the HV, the GPs practice (if she's attached to one), the Local Health Authority and anyone else you can think of.

Someone will respond to you, and you tend to get a bit more respect when they see a terrifying CC list at the top of the letter.

I think she was very unprofessional and a touch loony, btw.

StealthPolarBear · 23/09/2010 16:54

Sorry that wasn't aimed at you belgo, even if it looks that way :)

belgo · 23/09/2010 16:57

I didn;'t think it was Stealthpolarbear. And I agree that a HV should be supportive but we are only hearing one side of events here on this thread.

It is very sad that nesomja left feeling terrible, because she has nothing to feel terrible about.

ShowOfHands · 23/09/2010 17:05

I had a hv once who popped round when dd was 19 months and on hearing that I was still bfing, gasped with horror as if I'd told her I like to defecate on the front lawn during a full moon. She was aghast, mouth opening and closing with confusion, pale in the face, clutching at her chest as she tried to draw breath.

Eventually she managed to stutter 'but you mustn't'. She did explain that I'd fade away, dd would be so anaemic she'd be hospitalised, dh would leave me due to lack of sex (I really don't know) and dd would never learn to speak. DD at this point was jabbering on about the dog in the book she was flickering through and occasionally pausing to sing Old MacDonald.

I went to see this hv regularly after that for sheer comedy value.

Wanderingsheep · 23/09/2010 17:09

She should have been more supportive!

As for potty training at 18 months...well it's not barmy, some people do start potty training at 18 months but a lot don't and it isn't set in stone when you should start! I don't see why she told you that she should.

I went to the doctors when DD was 2. The doctor was putting me on some medication and laughed, "I presume that you're not breastfeeding!" whilst looking at DD. I wasn't so obviously said "no" but I was a bit to her attitude with her being a health professional. I said, "I'm not, but it's recommended to do it until DD's age." Her reply was, "yeah but it's just the thought of doing it at that age!" I was quite shocked!

Indith · 23/09/2010 17:10

I remember when you posted about that SOH! I just don't understand how HCPs gan get away with some of the things they say. HCPs are there to support those under their care regardless of their own personal views and should always openly support the guidelines. In any other career people who constantly went against guidelines would be in serious trouble yet HVs seem to get away with it all the bloody time.

Wanderingsheep · 23/09/2010 17:11

SOH, you paint such a picture!

Wanderingsheep · 23/09/2010 17:12

BTW OP, meant to add that your HV was BU.

TotalChaos · 23/09/2010 17:12

gosh how very rude and ill-informed she sounds. I know the NHS are overstretched, but are group development checks a good idea, imagine if a mum got any sort of bad news in that sort of setting, it would just make things that bit unnecessarily worse.

gorionine · 23/09/2010 17:16

She sound a bit crazy really. It is not uncommon to BF for 2 years.

And going from "he cannot sit still for 2 minutes to " "stop giving him fizzy drinks!" She does not half asuume things does she?

""I went to see this hv regularly after that for sheer comedy value."" SOH, that what I call positive attitude!

Mervynne · 23/09/2010 17:19

I know there are a few good ones but it seems that the absolutely best default position is to assume any HV is a loon, check what she says elsewhere, and then judge.
Bit of a waste of time for all concerned!

Booboobedoo · 23/09/2010 17:32

Just to add - my HV was wonderful and a godsend. (In case any HVs are reading and feeling Got At).

SOH - she sounds priceless. Did you go into the details of your sex-life in an earnest attempt to reassure her?

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