The worst thing. Dd said to me - you are always busy mummy.

[timeisshort]

and i am.
She said i dont have time to play with her.
And i dont.

I dont know how to fix this.

Im a single parent and i work part time. We leave the house at 8.10 am and get home just after 3. A quick dog walk, and small amount of housework and its 4.30.
I then have to think about tea, watering the garden, bathing, bed time for 7pm.
I have one day off in the week and its usually for housework/errands/stuff i need to do and hopefully something fun for DD and us together, like a day out or something. Maybe 1 in 4 times actually. The weekends i have her we tend to hang around the house. But im usually doing gardening, or housestuff again.

I just dont seem to have time. i want to play with her, to just sit down and do lego for hours. But after a short time i think, god, ive got this this and this to do.

its all very well to say leave it, but i cant, if i dont do it noone else will and its a small house and goes to pot really quicky if i dont do the day to day stuff.

So, how do i make more time for her?

[Sakura]

I'm a SAHM and I don't play with my kids! The idea of a mother having the time (or inclination) to play is a pretty new. Get her to help with watering the garden. Kids love helping, although it's a PITA because it takes 3 times as long, but at least it's getting done
The only quality time I make sure I set aside is a couple of stories a day, usually at bedtime. IT's a lovely way to reconnet. Try to just make sure you get 1 thing in, like a story.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Jesus, OP, you run the entire household, take the dog for a daily walk, play with your daughter loads, work four days a week, grow your own vegetables, mow the lawn weekly, organise an active social life for her, go out three nights in one week yourself, involve your daughter with the housework and chats and stories and baking, and you still put half an hour into being a freaking Playmobil person AND doing pretend dancing?

Yeah, you're doing too much.

My mother raised me and my brother as a lone parent, and was always broke and busy and stressed (no maintenance from father, Thatcher era), at one point commuted from Bristol to London daily to bring in a paycheque, was utterly shattered all the time. I know that now, as an adult, from talking to her. But what I remember is:

Eggy bread on a Sunday morning
Playing in the (horrible, tiny, concrete, but fine by me) garden with friends
Rainy day drives, when we would just drive for an hour to get out of the house. I still love driving in the rain.
Hours and hours of reading on my tummy in my room
Saturday morning cartoons (Mum would get up, organise cereal and juice, switch the TV on and go back to bed)
Learning fractions with her in the evening
Board games at Christmas and on birthdays
Picking blackcurrants, and she'd try and make blackcurrant jam, and every year it would fail and we'd end up with blackcurrant syrup instead

Etc. I have oodles of wonderful family memories. Oodles. And your daughter will as well. She's honestly just pushing your buttons, and you're at risk of martyring yourself on the pyre of Perfect Motherhood, I think.

[nooka]

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to play five year old style games. These games are not designed for grown ups. Some grown us enjoy them, and that's fine - my dh really enjoyed playing Babies with dd, whilst I'd rather slit my wrists. But I did the reading and talking stuff and I quite enjoy playing board games and puzzles too (although not I have to admit with five year olds too much).

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying to your dd that you don't really like to play (whatever you find difficult) but you do like to play (whatever you think you'd enjoy together). I think most small children would like their parents to play with them lots, but I really don't think you are in any way failing your dd by not playing playmobile etc with her. She'll have lots of play time at nursery, and it sounds like in general you have a lovely time with her, more than many other families. My two learned to accept that I didn't do a number of things, but that daddy did, or their nursery teacher did, or my mother did. Sometimes that meant waiting until they saw their father/teacher/granny, and although they grumbled, they also accepted that that was how it is (along with other things that I did and he didn't).

They seem pretty happy and well adjusted now (at 9 and 11 they no longer wish to play with grown ups, but still enjoy talking to me at length).

No parent is perfect, and I'm not terribly sure it would be good for children if they were, but you really do sound more than good enough. Once you have your social life sorted you'll probably have more potential playmates for her, which means a bit more of a break and other little girls to play with, which is probably what she woudl really find most satisfying.

[Othersideofthechannel]

You are doing an amazing amount of stuff. I am saving having a pet and veg garden for later because of lack of time. And there are two adults in this house.

I would try to get to the bottom of this in case there is something specific she's referring to, something which you might be able to fit in. And if there isn't, try to forget about it and remind yourself about everything you are getting right. Your DD isn't going to say thank for all that stuff for a long while yet!

[timeisshort]

Well the dog was from when i was married. I would never have chosen to get a dog if i was single, as it a drain on time and finances.
BUT - i would never rehome him. Hes old and i adore him. So i just have to deal with it.

The veg garden. yes, well i wasnt going to do it this year, beacuse it was such a lot of work last year. But DD pestered me about it, so i did.

Ill try and have a talk to her about it at some point today. Though of course there is every chance she has totally forgotten what she was talking about.

And ill try and do a playdate every other week or something. ( beacuse we dont do many of those)

Thank you everyone who says im doing a good job. makes me feel a little bit better. But i still care about what she said. I dont want her resounding memory of her childhood to be that i was always too busy ( which i am, but .....)

Can i also repeat to those that say just make sure you read a few stories. I do. every night without fail. Two books. Three songs. Two songs of her choice, last one always twinkle twinkle little star. Her dad sings it to her too as the last song. Shes coming up for 5 and shes been sung that song, as the last song everyday of her life.

Anyway - buns are needing to be made.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Timeisshort, you're still defending yourself, love. Those of us saying that you're doing loads aren't attacking your choices (veg garden, dog, etc), we're expressing our admiration that you manage all of that and are trying to suggest things that make your life easier.

Your guilt shines out of every post. You're reiterating, in detail, all the things you do, as if you need to measure up to every single expectation that everyone in the world could possibly have of you. You really don't need to do that.

Trust me, she'll remember the good bits, the funny bits, the interesting bits. She won't remember you being too busy unless you actually give yourself a nervous breakdown trying to be perfect.

[timeisshort]

yeah - i am defending myself arent i.

i have my own issues ( set in childhood) of never being good enough. Very insightful to pick that up. I didnt even realise myself.

i spoke to her about it while we were making the buns. I asked her what she meant, and she said she meant what she said. That i dont play with her.
So, i asked her what she would like me to play and she just say playmobile and the fish game.
I said, yes, we played playmobile last night didnt we and with a huge grin she said ' yes, we did'.

So, i dont think shes wanting hours and hours of me sat on the floor with her, maybe just the odd 20 mins here and there.

Im really going to make an effort on the playdate thing. WE are having one in the park today ( picnic all made) and shes very excited about that. Then we are pond dipping with a new friend of hers next week. The week after shes at her dads. But if i can try and do something with another child every other week then thats a good thing i think.

[MissCromwell]

You are obviously doing brilliantly. It will get easier.

I have an only dd and my advice is to ruthlessly cultivate child friends for her. Children love to play and really its best if they play those "pretend" games with other children who enjoy them too. It may save you a lot of guilt to have friends round for her...it may even work out easier as you can get things done while they play...and it will certainly work out easier when she gets invited back! You can build up a network of good friendships with the parents too and all help each other out.

Remember she is getting lots of playing at nursery so she is not really being deprived, and if she is really desperate for more play you might look into a local childminder in addition for occassional afternoons - lets you get things done, and gives her a big dose of play with other kids.

[Lancelottie]

Tortoise, your failed blackcurrant syrup just made me laugh, and brought back a pin-sharp image of my dad failing once again to make blackberry jam, and having to chip it out of the jar in huge crystalline chunks.

OP, clearly what your daughter needs is some seriously rubbish cooking to jeer at. Especially if you can reliably repeat the failure year after year.

[Lucilastic]

Perhaps you'd feel less exhaused if you didn't go out 3 nights a week. God I'd be happy with one night out a month.
How do you afford it? Who babysits?

[RhubarbFool]

Well, as you just said, you still care about what she said. So it doesn't matter how many other activities you do with her, if it bothers you that she thinks you're too busy to play, you need to change it.

Half an hour of play a day is easy to fit in, before bedtime for example. I cannot BEAR playing role play games with my 5yo (lego bank robbery etc.) - but there are certain things I like doing, so he gets to choose from them - snakes and ladders, ludo, lego, building a train track, getting some beads and making 'jewels'.

My dh works till after midnight every night, sometimes weekends too, I also have a 16mo too, and I often have to work (freelance) after the boys are in bed. I don't usually get to bed myself till well after midnight.

I can't afford to go out 3 times a week, but I do get a cleaner once a week - have you thought about that, to help with the housework?

Just do what it takes to make sure you can give your dd half an hour a day of playtime a day with her - which I think is really about just giving her some undivided attention.

[TigerFeet]

Hi timeisshort

Sounds like you're doing a fab job.

Your dd also sounds a lot like mine!

The solution for us was to cut down on the trips out and arranged stuff at weekends and just sit and play with her instead.

Might be worth a try?

[Nessamummy]

You're doing a fab job timeisshort. My parents worked full time from when I was tiny; as a result I have always been very self-sufficient and indpendent. Children can't be entertained and stimulated every minute of the day; they have to learn how to entertain themselves - it's a fantastic skill to have, and means you're rarely lonely or bored in later life. It sounds like you spend looads of quality time with her; walking the dog must be precious time together when you're a captive audience for her. And you're not necessarily worse off without a partner - no one to moan about a bit of untidyiness, abandoned washing up or un-ironed shirts should you ever feel the need to abandon the housework for a day... (and presumably no MIL visits to stress over?!)

[lisasimpson]

sorry but do buns 'need' to be made? and yes get on to those playdates - so your daughter gets some 'social life' too.

[Again]

As a matter of interest, how much actual time do you spend on housework?

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

LanceLottie, if crap cooking is the way to a child's heart, it's no wonder I adore my mum so much.

[lowrib]

I agree with the other poster who suggested that she might benefit form more time with other kids.

(sorry not sure who it was, I can't find it again and only have a couple of minutes online)

Although she is complaining about you not playing with her, perhaps the bigger picture is to do with feeling a bit lonely or bored of playing on her own. If she spent more time playing with mates I expect she'd enjoy it and it could take the pressure off you.

Would that be possible?

[abgirl]

timeisshort, try googling flylady - following her routines have freed up my time immensley and stopped me being so perfectionist. Also there was a blog post on simple mum (i think) about making life full rather than busy recently, that really helped me prioritise - good luck!

[timeisshort]

i reckon its probably about an 2 - 2- 2.5 hours a day. But that includes preparing and cooking tea, clearing dinner stuff up. Washing, putting washing away, packed lunches watering garden, general tidying up at end of day, paperwork, then a bigger thing like dusting one day, or bathroom the next.

We dont do baking once a week or anything. im not some manic baker! lol

The three nights out is not normal. One night my sister is babysitting as im popping round a friends ( free). This weekend DD is at her dads so i dont need a baby sitter. Fri is in pub ( £10 max) sat cinema (£7)

Its not really a lot of money. I dont smoke, i dont gamble, i rarely drink, i dont do drugs...

I think she does want me to play with her, and im going to make 20 mins a day. and then work on the playdate thing. Park was very overcrowded so we came back here and she played in garden with her friend. Shes tired now so is chilling out in front of the tv have organised a play date for next tuesday and then one for the week after she comes back from her dads.

[timeisshort]

sorry and lisasimpson - yes the buns needed to be made. DD asked to make them to take on the picnic. She wanted to make pink fairy cakes to share with her friend.

[lisasimpson]

fair enough - so I guess you have to explain about a trade-off with playing time and then she gets her choice?

[Conundrumish]

but read this thread I was surprised by the number of people who had special memories of doing simple things while their parents worked away.

Nice support from Ladybiscuit (and I fail to see how your entire week-end can be spent doing fun stuff - surely you have to prepare meals, bath him, take him to swimming etc?)

[SalFresco]

My mum was a SAHM and a lone parent until she married when I was 7. She read to me, made cakes with me, took me to the park, but she NEVER played with me. At a push she would get toys out for me to play with. And she was a young mum too! I honestly think it didn't matter a bit. I think it is a modern thing to agonise about not playing with our DC's enough - I know I certainly worry about it! And I think it is easy to say not to worry about the housework - but I live in a tiny 2 bed flat, and it very quickly turns into chaos if we don't keep on top of things.

You are doing a fantastic job. Don't worry.

[flibbertigibbert]

I had parents who worked very long hours, but who had very different attitudes to their jobs. My dad would pretty much leave his job in the office when he came home and would always take time to help me with my homework, test me with spellings, joke around with me and my brother etc. He used to pick us up from school maybe once a term (was at CM every day) and it was such a special treat. He'd take us to the cinema or to the big bookshop in Birmingham (I was a bookworm so loved this). Although he worked such long hours, I always felt that he had time for me.

By contrast, my mum was a workaholic. She always complained about being tired or busy and wouldn't deal with stressful situations very well, so she would snap at us and make us feel a bit of an inconvenience. That's a parent who doesn't have time for their child. It doesn't sound like you're anywhere near that bad, in fact you sound like you're doing a great job - I'd love to have had waterfights with my mum.

[Megancleo]

timeisshort, just flipped through your thread and as a single mother of 3dc i sympathise, my 3dd had a phase of saying last year, "you don't play with me" but its passsed now. Not because I play with her more(truth is, by the time 3dc comes along and then you are single working mother, there really is little time to play) but because I make her life more interesting. We'vew just cpome back from indoor pool with her friend, both can swim good and after 20 mins with me in water she was happy to play with friend and I could rerire to book and relaxation. Perhaps your dd is oin through a phase where she needs more input beyond nursery, arrange more children visiting or outins together, try some hobbies toether and enjoy time together-it oes quickly!