The worst thing. Dd said to me - you are always busy mummy.

[timeisshort]

and i am.
She said i dont have time to play with her.
And i dont.

I dont know how to fix this.

Im a single parent and i work part time. We leave the house at 8.10 am and get home just after 3. A quick dog walk, and small amount of housework and its 4.30.
I then have to think about tea, watering the garden, bathing, bed time for 7pm.
I have one day off in the week and its usually for housework/errands/stuff i need to do and hopefully something fun for DD and us together, like a day out or something. Maybe 1 in 4 times actually. The weekends i have her we tend to hang around the house. But im usually doing gardening, or housestuff again.

I just dont seem to have time. i want to play with her, to just sit down and do lego for hours. But after a short time i think, god, ive got this this and this to do.

its all very well to say leave it, but i cant, if i dont do it noone else will and its a small house and goes to pot really quicky if i dont do the day to day stuff.

So, how do i make more time for her?

[Fiddledee]

Fgs you are making lots of excuses about why you don't have time playing with her. Just play, forget the housework or do it in the evenings when she has gone to bed. Start off doing 30mins in the morning and 30mins in the afternoon, set a time like its a job. People work full time or have loads more kids or enormous houses and still have time to play with their kids you have time but you are not prioritising playing with your daughter.

[cestlavie]

Sounds like you're doing an absolutely fantastic job and spending lots of good, quality time with her. Talking to her, reading to her, involving her is stuff you're doing. Lots of great stuff.

Really don't beat yourself up about it.

DD1 (4.5) will not infrequently say to me or DW that we don't play with her enough. What she typically means is we're not doing what she wants to do at that particuarly moment in time or she wants to do something but needs someone's help.

E.g. can spend half an hour colouring in with her, then stop to do something else, cue "you're not helping me, you never help me". Or chase her round the graden until weak with exhaustion (me obviously, not her!) cue "why aren't you playing with me, you never play with me".

You're doing a great job - maybe you're just being a bit over-sensitive to it.

[timeisshort]

fiddle - half an hour in the morning. You are joking arent you? We leave the house at 8:10 am. I dont have half an hour spare in the morning.

And i dont really get home till gone 4 ( after dog walk.. which we are spending time together)

its not like im doing spending time with her, i am. The other weekend i read her the twits in one day. At her insistance, while laying under the apple tree in the garden eating ice lollies. we had lunch and dinner outside and i made her a den with sheets over the swing and even had a tea party with her in it.

But she still says i dont play with her.

[Again]

I think we've got to pick the things we enjoy doing with them too. I don't really enjoy playing football. I do it the odd time and I know my ds would like more of it, but I instead bake and tell made up stories and I feel uncomfortable/forced playing football.

Just a suggestion, but maybe you could get shopping delivered? I actually enjoy shopping for food, so I couldn't envisage giving that up. A happy mum is important too.

[Rockbird]

I sort of agree with Fiddledee. Leave one of the other things and play with her for 20 minutes. If you have her every other weekend then presumably you have the alternate one to do what you want with. I'm not criticising, am not a single parent so have no idea how hard it is but I can't see that it's too hard to not wash up straight after dinner and play with her for a few minutes.

But you do sound like you're doing a grand job, don't beat yourself up

[Haliborange]

Hang on, the OP quite clearly is playing with her DD. She might not be sitting down and building lego or something but she is baking, having water fights, building dens etc etc.
Kids say things they don't really mean. They like to complain and if it pushes Mummy's buttons so much the better. Seroiusly, OP, it sounds like you do tonnes of fun things with her.

[timeisshort]

i dont know how people have time to play working full time with more children. Unless they have a cleaner, or a bit of family help or something.
Kudos to them.

Its all very well saying dont do housework. But washing has to be done. clothes need to be put away. bathroom has to be clean. Washing up needs to be done. Hoovering needs to happen ( when you have dogs) Doing it at the end of the day when ive been up since half six and at work is just soul distroying.

Plus im so knackered myself im usually in bed by half nine.

[timeisshort]

I have to prepare and cook the food.
Its only me doing it all. I think thats what takes time time.

My sister came for tea the other day, she played with dd while i cooked. then cleared up while i played with dd. She bathed up and got her ready for bed while i raced around and did things that needed doing. We both read her a story and sang songs and i was totally done of all things and sat done by half 7. it was amazing. amazing what an extra pair of hands can do.

I do make up stories and tell dd. i do all that stuff. Thats why its very upsetting when she says that i dont play with her. because actually im doing my best. there is only one of me and im trying to do it all on my own.

i do do online food shopping, its brilliant. saves time. But i sill have to be there to take the delivery/put it away. Sounds simple, but its difficult when you are the only person trying to do it all.

[Marjoriew]

When my 7 were young, everyone chipped in with the housework - usually Saturday mornings. I seemed to spend my whole time cooking, cleaning, washing.
Now I'm 62 and I have grandson [11] since he was 2.
He's Home Educated so busy in the day.
I'm not as houseproud as I was.
To the OP - life is too short.
As long as there's a pathway to the kitchen and the stairs, I wouldn't worry.
Enjoy your littlies when they are young - you'll never get it back.

[LadyBiscuit]

I think I have lower standards that you OP because I just keep the house reasonably tidy on a day to day basis and vacuum once a week. I do have a dishwasher though. It sounds like this is more about feeling sad that you're a lone parent. Am I going off half-cocked here?

[OhYouBadBadKitten]

Perhaps its just 'someone' she needs to play with. Does she have friends round to play? it is so much easier and more fun for both of you if she is playing with someone her own age.

[PlanetEarth]

Water the garden when she's in bed. Same for some other household chores. If she's in bed by 7 you've got loads of time after that! Maybe you could sometimes get food ready for the next day's meal then too?

[timeisshort]

lady - im not sad im a lone parent. id rather be that that still be married.
But i do feel bad that i dont have as much time as i would have if i was with someone ifswim.
ie - another pair of hands, even if they didnt help much other than wash up every so often, or flick the hoover over, or maybe even cut the grass once in a while, would give me the time to play with DD more.

She plays with friends at nursery. She would love to have friends over, i need to organise it. Ive done it a few times but probably not enough. ( im always in such a race and something, not always housework is going on)

You know, im doing the best i can. I do as much with her as i can. I know she has a fab time at her dads and i know he plays with her. Their weekends are about fun stuff. ( because he has 12/14 other days to do all the day to day stuff) My 12/14 days are filled with work, and errands, and house things and day to day things. Its a bum. It annoys me, beacuse then if i dont do something, like the other week, i thought sod the garden, yes there are tons of weeds, and the grass is long.. but so what. So we did stuff in the garden. DD had a water table out, we read, we had a waterfight, dens, etc.... but then, it was a whole nother week ebfore i had time to cut the grass again and it was really long, kept clogging up the mower and took twice as long.
its a pain. thats why if i dont do stuff it takes twice as long to actually sort out.
Add on the fact that ive actually been at work for most of the day as well..... im tired.

[timeisshort]

planet earth. I could do that. But ive not got loads of time. I tend to go to bed about half 9. I get up early. Im tired. Plus ive been at work for most of the day.
I used to do that, the housework when shes gone to bed thing. But really. after being at work for most of the day myself thats just not good. Im a person too.. .not just a robot. I have to have a little time to just sit down for a bit and relax.

Im tired. its tiring doing it all on your own the whole time. i thought we were kind of doing ok though, until dd came out with this and now i just feel shit about it as clearly she is not ok.

[LadyBiscuit]

I think she sounds fine, honestly. Children are brilliant at finding out what winds you up and then exploiting it to their advantage. But you do sound a bit down to be honest.

I work full time, commute 2 hours a day and I am not as tired as you (and am probably quite a lot older than you are) so it does sound to me like you're unusually exhausted. Having said that, I chose to be a single parent so I knew this was what I was getting into from the outset. I think it's a lot harder when you weren't planning it.

[timeisshort]

how are you not knackered then? How old are your children?

Do you have a cleaner, or help around the house or anything?

I feel worse now, like im making a right hash of it beacuse im crap.

[fluffyhamster]

I think your last post is quite telling...

You're tired
You're exhausted in fact
You thought you were doing fine (and you ARE)
But DD's comment has hurt you.

I have two boys, and a DH, and work part-time. I do lots of things with the kids, but I don't 'play' with them (at least not in the way they would probably like) or at least not very often.
I find it incredibly mind-numbingly boring... and after 1 minute of Lego Star Wars (Oh look, here comes the Jedi Fighter.... yawn...)
I try to sneak away.

Kids will always find a way to press your buttons and turn on the guilt complex IMHO.

Have you asked her what she means by 'play' with her? Could you squeeze in just 10 minutes a day?

I always hated the fact that 'playing' involved getting a lots of things out/ leaving a mess which I always ended up tidying up (i.e. = more work for me!)

[JoanHolloway]

You clearly are NOT a crap parent, and it's clear to me from your posts that you do spend a lot of time with your daughter, doing things.

[LadyBiscuit]

Oh god no!! That's not what I wanted to happen at all - I'm so sorry You just sound so hard on yourself and I really think we single parents have to give ourselves a bloody big pat on the back for working and raising children.

I have a cleaner for 2 hours once a week so that helps a lot. My DS is also 3 but he is very independent - he plays on his own for hours and enjoys it.

But I make him really easy food, tend to eat a big meal at lunchtime and just have a sandwich in the evening and never iron. The house is a mess a lot of the time too but I'm really not very houseproud. I just tidy up in advance of the cleaner coming. I can't bear to feel like my life is a total drudge so I just ignore it half the week.

[OrmRenewed]

Right! You are spending time with her. OK, not playing, but still time spent doing things with her. Think back! How much time did your parents spend actually playing with you? 10 mins a day? Or less. I think in my case it was less. So what? Being with you is what matters. She would like someone to play with but it doesn't have to be you. Can you have a friend round to play regularly?

[timeisshort]

yes, im bloody tired. Im always tired.
I find it difficult trying to:
work
be a mother
be a father
walk the dog
clean the house
do the garden
do all the paperwork
try to have a social life

Im shattered most of the time. But i thought we were chugging along ok.
yes i was/am damn hurt by what she said as it just makes me feel awful. That all im doing already isnt enough and somehow ive got to find more of myself to give when im already stretched pretty thin.

and yes, i also hate that playing means leaving a big mess which i then have to sort out = more work for me.

[LadyBiscuit]

She must moan about loads of things that you don't give in to - biscuits/DVDs/new toys/treats/whatever - and I bet you don't feel the slightest bit bad. So this is your guilt talking, nothing more.

You sound like you need a break

[Gay40]

I think you are doing great, honestly. Some people aren't into the "playing" side of things - like me - however DD's father will play for hours at tea parties, lego etc. I admire his ability, but I don't have it.
We have our own 1-2-1 time doing other things.
Plus, this mind sound harsh, but whatever you did they'd find a thing that you SHOULD be doing with them - the latest in our house is "I wish you could pick me up from school" but in my defence when I get an early finish and do that, she'd rather go to her after-school and hang out with the other kids!!!!

(PS I work full time, I'd rather not but needs must at the moment.)