The worst thing. Dd said to me - you are always busy mummy.

[timeisshort]

and i am.
She said i dont have time to play with her.
And i dont.

I dont know how to fix this.

Im a single parent and i work part time. We leave the house at 8.10 am and get home just after 3. A quick dog walk, and small amount of housework and its 4.30.
I then have to think about tea, watering the garden, bathing, bed time for 7pm.
I have one day off in the week and its usually for housework/errands/stuff i need to do and hopefully something fun for DD and us together, like a day out or something. Maybe 1 in 4 times actually. The weekends i have her we tend to hang around the house. But im usually doing gardening, or housestuff again.

I just dont seem to have time. i want to play with her, to just sit down and do lego for hours. But after a short time i think, god, ive got this this and this to do.

its all very well to say leave it, but i cant, if i dont do it noone else will and its a small house and goes to pot really quicky if i dont do the day to day stuff.

So, how do i make more time for her?

[cheesypopfan]

TIS sounds like you are doing a fantastic job. Being a single parent is so draining - I was until DS was 4 and I worked full time. I felt constantly guilty and didn't do half the stuff you do. I really think she is just having a whinge and you are prob so stressed and tired that you have taken it too personally.

I have to say i rarely play with my kids, but we do lots of stuff together - and that sounds like what you're doing. Don't beat yourself up over it - this is a remark made by a small child. My kids say stuff like this from time to time and it doesn't bother me because I know I do the best i can. If she seems happy and content then you are doing a good job. The fact that she can say stuff like this to you means that she feels that she feeels she can trust you to listen to her vent and whinge without it changing your relationship. You clearly have a good relationship with her and are doing a good job.

[LadyBiscuit]

You are putting me to shame with all the nice stuff you do - I stick mine in front of the telly a lot

[twentyten]

Fel is right-let her choose.I too found playing BORING-until we got to games I liked.You are doing a brilliant job.

[whatname]

you are doing loads with her. Sounds like she is too used to it!!!
you also have to teach her to play by herself, which is difficult
I think it's very unfair of her to say that, and if she says it again,I would point out(nicely!) all the things that you have done.
please don't worry about it anymore.
If anything I think you should be trying to find time for yourself, not more time for her.

[undercovamutha]

OP - try not to feel guilty, you sound like you do loads with your DD.

I once told my mum that I felt guilty that I didn't do many activities with DD. My mum literally had no idea what I was talking about. She just asked why DD doesn't just play nicely with all her (many) toys on her own like I used to!! All this 'quality time' business is a modern invention IMO!

I am particularly bad at actually playing with my DCs. My DD talks to me incessantly though, and follows me round the house every minute we are together. So we may not have any playing time together, but we certainly talk a lot!

Also, the problem with little kids, is that they just don't think 'mummy hasn't got time to play with me today, but that's okay cos we went to the zoo yesterday'. You get no good parenting credit!!!! It drives me mad that I will take DD and DS to the park, the library, then for a walk over to play with friends, and then when I have to cook the tea later, DD tells me that she is bored and she never gets to do anything nice!

[wouldliketoknow]

you have to consider that children with parents who are separated often say things to get stuff, my nephew was 4 when he told his mum, separated from dbrother, that grandma gave him all the sweets he wants...she called my mum really enfuriated, she doesn't aprove of him eating lots of sweets....he rarely gets any sweets, he was trying to get his mum to give him sweets after dinner, thought it might work. maybe she is done with baking,... but you do a lot of stuff with her, and you certainly don't sound like an uncaring mother to me.
and i know what is like, my dh works a lot, so no help with house, small house too, newborn baby equals really dirty house, not a lot of clothing to chose from, but who cares,... happy baby and happy mummy, unless she chooses to look around the house at everything is not done, gardening, haven't done it for months, pay a neighbour kid a tenner to do it a few times a month and problem sorted.

[NoSleepTillWeaning]

From what I have read sounds as though you are doing a really fab job. But if you want to free up some time, try as often as possible to make double the amount of food you need so one day you have less cooking as you are just heating up the spare portion. Would probably give you 20 mins or so for Lego etc.

Also you could 'play' restaurants, making menus etc to play while you are cooking - she could be waitress whilst you are the chef.

[carriedababi]

aw you sound so lovely and like your doing a great job.

personally i do think it's very important to sit and play with her even if only for 15-20 mins a day.
esp if shes an only.

what is it you do with your garden to be gardening so much?
i'd try and cut that down abit.
cut the grass every other week.
let the plants die.
who cares

i know you say at 8.30 you just want to drop, but if you set aside even 15 mins you can still sit down at 8.45

good luck to you, your doing so well

[carriedababi]

also have plenty of easy dinners, like tonight we are having eggs on toast lol

[carriedababi]

also forget about bathing everynight.
everyother is more than enough

[nurseryvoice]

I think you need a day to get organised!
organisation is key to your happiness.....

I get no help at all from my husband on housework or helping at bathtime etc, so I dont have that extra pair of hands. It would be wonderful for him to look after dd whilst I do the pots or something, but he wont.

I have a day off in the week so spend that time cleaning, shopping, jobs, paperwork etc.
During the week I just leave it. House is a mmess but thats life! I know how tiring it is I finish around 430 get in do tea etc i go to bed around 9pm
are you anaemic? might be worth checking out.
I think you do lots with your daughter.

[iwantagreenlollipop]

I think that when your daughter said you NEVER play with her, she probably meant that you weren't giving her the attention she wanted at that particular moment in time. It probably just hit a raw nerve. From what l've read you sound like a fantastic mum.

[Othersideofthechannel]

My DD would like me to play games she makes up with her soft toys and ponies etc a lot more than I can handle. Half an hour is about my limit. So I make sure I do half an hour each weekend, usually just after a meal while DH is washing up. She is 5 and understands there is no time for this in the week. DH is away about 1 weekend in 4 and it still works. I leave the clearing up until after I've played with her, by which time she's usually into her game and will carry on by herself while I clear up. And if she's not in the mood for that, she stomps around being cross while I get on with the clearing up anyway.

[MistyB]

You are really hard on your self and you are probably also trying to hard to be perfect - and unfortunately, you are destined to fail at that!!

I read a book about being a busy Mum and there was one thing that really resonated with me - how hard it is to live in the moment, to put everything else aside and just focus on one thing.

I don't have a magic answer but here's my suggestion. Give yourself an hour or so when you get in to whizz round, get tea etc bearing in mind that there is always more that can be done - be strict with yourself!! Give your DD some things she can do while you do that (colouring, model making, watching a DVD, having a snack, playing on her own). Tell here that she then gets a half an hour of dedicated playing time, let her absolutely lead it, give in, get involved, switch off from the other stuff and force yourself to enjoy it!!

Give yourself a break - no one is this perfect without being a little loony!!

[timeisshort]

thanks.

i built a lego tower with her. She pottered about in her car while i was sorting out washing outisde ( but we usually do this)
then, after tea i cleared up really quickly and we played playmobile and did some dancing at dds request.

i think i get a gold star!

I think if i can manage that every other day that will be good.

I get the thing about the seperated parents as well. I think that probably makes a difference as when she goes to her dads is just 48 hours of playing with her and fun stuff. I cant do that with the 12 out of 14 that i have her. Its just how it is.

cant really leave the grass cutting to everyother week. wish i could. its new lawn and it grows like crazy. It really needs doing every 3 days but thats just impossible.

I could do with a bit of time to get really organised i think. Ive been trying to build a new social cirlce as well so have been accepting every invitation ive been getting. Im going to be out 3 evenings this week. Which is great and all, but then the weekends without DD where i would normally have a blitz on the garden, or massive tidy or her room or whatever.. well, they just dont get done.

I find it really hard to get the right balance of stuff i think.

Anyway - tomorrow is bun making, and present wrapping. Picnic lunch in the park for a few hours with one of her friends. ( and taking dog - two birds, one stone) gardening in the afternoon and a few admin phone calls. bath and ive a load of laundry to put away. and im out tomorrow evening.

Will try and fit in some time to play pet shops or something. even if its just for 15 mins.

[Bousy]

It sounds a bit as though you are asking us to decide whether it's you or your DD who is being unfair. Obviously she is - you do loads of stuff with her (as well as everything else that needs doing). But she is the child, and you are the adult. From time to time she is going to say hurtful things, she won't really mean them and it doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate you. It's your job to let them pass and not take them to heart; it's not fair to expect a small child to be properly grateful and appreciative, sadly they just aren't! I'm sure when she's older she'll look back and be amazed at how you managed to create so much time for her, as well as working and looking after the house etc.

[tabouleh]

OP - sounds like you are doing an amazing job.

I think you should get a timer - then you can do 15mins housework and then 15mins playing. Maybe have a look at www.flylady.net for ideas on routines/making housework fun/doing little and often.

You say that when DD is at her Dad's it is 2 days of fun - can you not do this on your weekends - i.e. ignore household tasks as much as possible for those 2 days?

[MistyB]

It's more efficient if you put laundry away is big batches, several wash loads I find. Get a basket for each room and put stuff that belongs elsewhere in it, sort once a week. Cleaning is definetely worth doing in batches, blitz once a week, sit back and admire clean house, ignore till next week. Leave the grass, wildflower meadow is much more eco friendly and very trendy. Bun making is for bored SAHM Mums who have kids at school all day and housekeepers to do the housework.

You need to read How to be Idle and The Idle Parent by Tom Hodgkinson.

[Marne]

I wouldn't wory, my dd1(6) has said far worse, the other week she called me 'a lazy cow bag' .

[scottishmummy]

you explain mummy loves her v much and mum works.and working and stuff in house make mummy busy.perhaps work out wee games that she helps.-like polishing

[FanjolinaJolie]

If you don't have hours to spare for lego etc don't feel bad. Could you think to yourself I'll do x for 30 mins then sit down with DD and read stories for 15 mins. Then I'll do x house work for 45 mins then bake a cake or something else fun for a short spell of time. Set the timer and say when it goes off mummy is going to stop her jobs and do something special with you.

She will totally apreciate it I'm sure.

Also very good idea above about doing lego or whatever at the table in kitchen while you're cooking/cleaning so you can still talk to her about what she is doing.

[rookiemater]

You must be exhausted, but seriously no lawn on earth needs mowing every 3 days and I could not even countenance going out 3 nights a week and I work p/t and have a DH to (allegedly) share the work.

I wouldn't worry so much, we looked at the Mr Men the other day and was asking DS which one was me and he went "MR Busy because you are always so so busy" which didn't make me feel the best either. I figure it's just something he said not a biggie so I don't take it to heart, like when he calls me Fat Mummy, he calls everyone fat so it's not exactly heartfelt.

Something I found useful for a while though have been a bit lazy recently is Mummy time. I use a timer and each day we set aside a portion of time 10 - 20 mins dependant on boredom threshold to dedicate to DS doing whatever he wants in his room. Obviously I don't ignore him for the rest of the time, but it is focused time so if the phone rings then I will let it go to answer phone as it is his time. DS enjoys this and his behaviour improves when I do it consistently.

But generally it sounds like you are being a fantastic parent I would try not to stress about your daughters remark.

[undercovamutha]

OP - my DD (4) spent 30 minutes outside sweeping up grass cuttings tonight (DH was mowing lawn), and cleaning the grass off her slide. She said it was her favourite thing she has done all day.

Seemingly boring household tasks can be great fun for kids. Best to encourage it before they become stroppy teenagers!

[GetOrfMoiLand]

OP it sounds fine.

Iworked FT from when dd was a baby, and was single then. I did the housework when she was in bed at night (well the crap stuff like laundry and mopping). She has always been involved with cooking - her standing on a chair stirring something in a pan was like playing with playdo (that's how I think of it anyway).

We also bathed together until she was quite old, about 5 or so - it was nice to have cuddles and a chat in the bath with no distractions.

She also slept with me until she was school age - I fekt guilt about working and we liked the closeness and contact of co-sleeping.

I read to her every night but to be honest I didn't spend loads of time builing stuff with lego etc. One thing we did do togethr was to make cards, so made christmas cards and birthday cards for all her friends. That was probably enough arts and crafts. We also used to go for walks on the beach and trips to feed to ducks at the weekends, and swimming together without fail on Sundays.

One thing which DID go by the wayside was my social life. I didn't go out - I didn't have the bloody time anyway, and was studying for a degree whislt working. So my social life was pants for yuears, but frankly something has got to give. It wasn't gpoing to be work, wasn't gpoing to be study, and certainly wasn't going to be the precious time I spent with dd. So I had few friends.

Frankly, there is nowt wronmg with your dd growing up knowing that money/toys/life doesn't get granted by the benevolent gods from on high, and that mummy has to work to pay for it all. DD has inherited a good work ethic, and at 14 doesn't think she has missed out on having a FT working mother. So don't beat yourself up over a random remark she made.