The worst thing. Dd said to me - you are always busy mummy.

[timeisshort]

and i am.
She said i dont have time to play with her.
And i dont.

I dont know how to fix this.

Im a single parent and i work part time. We leave the house at 8.10 am and get home just after 3. A quick dog walk, and small amount of housework and its 4.30.
I then have to think about tea, watering the garden, bathing, bed time for 7pm.
I have one day off in the week and its usually for housework/errands/stuff i need to do and hopefully something fun for DD and us together, like a day out or something. Maybe 1 in 4 times actually. The weekends i have her we tend to hang around the house. But im usually doing gardening, or housestuff again.

I just dont seem to have time. i want to play with her, to just sit down and do lego for hours. But after a short time i think, god, ive got this this and this to do.

its all very well to say leave it, but i cant, if i dont do it noone else will and its a small house and goes to pot really quicky if i dont do the day to day stuff.

So, how do i make more time for her?

[LadyBiscuit]

pinkpanettone - I'm sorry if you thought I was being unsupportive. That really wasn't my intention. I was trying (and failing by the looks of things) to say that really you don't have to keep the house spotless and that the OP originally said that they spent every weekend hanging around the house. So I suggested they go out and then she said she did!

I don't take my DS swimming but of course I cook food for him and give him a bath. It's just that those bits aren't the focus of our weekend.

I think that the OP is giving herself a really hard time and all I was trying to say is that I think she's putting herself under immense pressure. Just the thought of going out three nights a week makes me feel tired

[timeisshort]

thank you.

Im far from superwoman though. if i were it would be much easier to do it all.

I did manage a bit of playing yesterday. Playmobile again, and a kerplunk game she wanted to do. so that on top of the cake/picnic making. Plus almost 4 hours in park and at home with her friend.
I did do some house work/weeding/digging up potatoes which she loved doing/tax credits renewal as well. AND i still went out last night.

Thinking about it, and from what everyone is saying, im not the only one without lots of time to actually play with her. So that makes me feel a little better.

[MammyG]

OP I have finished reading this and just feel like such a crap parent! Your daughter has a lovely life and def gets the best of you. I feel sorry for my two (third on the way) having read all the lovely things you do together. I have a full time job, DH works opposite hours to me so we are either at work or alone with children. I have to do an hour or two paperwork most evenings after the kids are gone to bed and cant afford a cleaner etc. So all my housework laundry etc has to be done at the weekend. Most of the time Im just trying to keep my cool. Tired and exhausted is a constant state of being. I thought I was doing a good job just hiding the stress from the boys and doing whatever nice things I can fit in. I dont play with them per se. we try to make day to day things fun and have as many outings as we can. other than that its the usual painting playdough etc
You are doing a wonderful job. I dont think playing etc needs to be a daily activity as long as its fairly regular and you both enjoy it. You should read back over this thread and maybe see yourself in a different light. Seems to me you are superwoman and your daughter is a very lucky girl.

[merrymouse]

I don't know how old your daughter is, but in my experience children often say "you always do xyz" or "you never do abc" when, because they don't have much concept of time, they are talking about what is happening right now. E.g.

"why aren't we getting an ice cream at the park, we ALWAYS get an ice cream at the park, when they happened to get an ice cream yesterday",

or, on the other hand,

"why can't we get an ice cream, we NEVER have ice cream", when they have been living on an ice cream diet for three days.

[taffetacatski]

haven't read all the posts, but loved the Grandma's post about a clear pathway to the stairs and kitchen!

sounds like you are doing just great and IMO playing with your DD plenty enough. I haven't played nearly as much with my DD as I did with my elder DS. she is much more self sufficient and doesn't ask all the time, unlike DS. now this could be because thats the way she is, or because I've not raised her expectation. some children need more external input.

i agree with megancleo - friends over to play more often if possible may take a bit of pressure/feelings of guilt off you.

[pralinegirl]

timeisshort, you sound fantastic. I work and have a husband to share childcare/chores with and I don't do half what you do. But I think they say things at that age (mine now nearly 7)without realising how very much it will hurt, or wanting to get at you a little, especially girls, but not knowing how much it will hurt. We used to have a cleaner and now can't afford it. I am thinking again about it though. I would say one thing though, I agree with the lady who said we never get the time back, I had a big trauma a few years ago and now if my house is a mess, it sort of seems less important. I love Star Wars, but give me Peppa Pig and ponies and I'd go crazy. Woman, you're doing great. My best friend lost her dad when she was really little and she is so strong and so close to her mum. You're her role model and you're fab.

[Megancleo]

timeisshort, just flipped through your thread and as a single mother of 3dc i sympathise, my 3dd had a phase of saying last year, "you don't play with me" but its passsed now. Not because I play with her more(truth is, by the time 3dc comes along and then you are single working mother, there really is little time to play) but because I make her life more interesting. We'vew just cpome back from indoor pool with her friend, both can swim good and after 20 mins with me in water she was happy to play with friend and I could rerire to book and relaxation. Perhaps your dd is oin through a phase where she needs more input beyond nursery, arrange more children visiting or outins together, try some hobbies toether and enjoy time together-it oes quickly!

[flibbertigibbert]

I had parents who worked very long hours, but who had very different attitudes to their jobs. My dad would pretty much leave his job in the office when he came home and would always take time to help me with my homework, test me with spellings, joke around with me and my brother etc. He used to pick us up from school maybe once a term (was at CM every day) and it was such a special treat. He'd take us to the cinema or to the big bookshop in Birmingham (I was a bookworm so loved this). Although he worked such long hours, I always felt that he had time for me.

By contrast, my mum was a workaholic. She always complained about being tired or busy and wouldn't deal with stressful situations very well, so she would snap at us and make us feel a bit of an inconvenience. That's a parent who doesn't have time for their child. It doesn't sound like you're anywhere near that bad, in fact you sound like you're doing a great job - I'd love to have had waterfights with my mum.

[SalFresco]

My mum was a SAHM and a lone parent until she married when I was 7. She read to me, made cakes with me, took me to the park, but she NEVER played with me. At a push she would get toys out for me to play with. And she was a young mum too! I honestly think it didn't matter a bit. I think it is a modern thing to agonise about not playing with our DC's enough - I know I certainly worry about it! And I think it is easy to say not to worry about the housework - but I live in a tiny 2 bed flat, and it very quickly turns into chaos if we don't keep on top of things.

You are doing a fantastic job. Don't worry.

[Conundrumish]

but read this thread I was surprised by the number of people who had special memories of doing simple things while their parents worked away.

Nice support from Ladybiscuit (and I fail to see how your entire week-end can be spent doing fun stuff - surely you have to prepare meals, bath him, take him to swimming etc?)

[lisasimpson]

fair enough - so I guess you have to explain about a trade-off with playing time and then she gets her choice?

[timeisshort]

sorry and lisasimpson - yes the buns needed to be made. DD asked to make them to take on the picnic. She wanted to make pink fairy cakes to share with her friend.

[timeisshort]

i reckon its probably about an 2 - 2- 2.5 hours a day. But that includes preparing and cooking tea, clearing dinner stuff up. Washing, putting washing away, packed lunches watering garden, general tidying up at end of day, paperwork, then a bigger thing like dusting one day, or bathroom the next.

We dont do baking once a week or anything. im not some manic baker! lol

The three nights out is not normal. One night my sister is babysitting as im popping round a friends ( free). This weekend DD is at her dads so i dont need a baby sitter. Fri is in pub ( £10 max) sat cinema (£7)

Its not really a lot of money. I dont smoke, i dont gamble, i rarely drink, i dont do drugs...

I think she does want me to play with her, and im going to make 20 mins a day. and then work on the playdate thing. Park was very overcrowded so we came back here and she played in garden with her friend. Shes tired now so is chilling out in front of the tv have organised a play date for next tuesday and then one for the week after she comes back from her dads.

[abgirl]

timeisshort, try googling flylady - following her routines have freed up my time immensley and stopped me being so perfectionist. Also there was a blog post on simple mum (i think) about making life full rather than busy recently, that really helped me prioritise - good luck!

[lowrib]

I agree with the other poster who suggested that she might benefit form more time with other kids.

(sorry not sure who it was, I can't find it again and only have a couple of minutes online)

Although she is complaining about you not playing with her, perhaps the bigger picture is to do with feeling a bit lonely or bored of playing on her own. If she spent more time playing with mates I expect she'd enjoy it and it could take the pressure off you.

Would that be possible?

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

LanceLottie, if crap cooking is the way to a child's heart, it's no wonder I adore my mum so much.

[Again]

As a matter of interest, how much actual time do you spend on housework?

[lisasimpson]

sorry but do buns 'need' to be made? and yes get on to those playdates - so your daughter gets some 'social life' too.

[Nessamummy]

You're doing a fab job timeisshort. My parents worked full time from when I was tiny; as a result I have always been very self-sufficient and indpendent. Children can't be entertained and stimulated every minute of the day; they have to learn how to entertain themselves - it's a fantastic skill to have, and means you're rarely lonely or bored in later life. It sounds like you spend looads of quality time with her; walking the dog must be precious time together when you're a captive audience for her. And you're not necessarily worse off without a partner - no one to moan about a bit of untidyiness, abandoned washing up or un-ironed shirts should you ever feel the need to abandon the housework for a day... (and presumably no MIL visits to stress over?!)

[TigerFeet]

Hi timeisshort

Sounds like you're doing a fab job.

Your dd also sounds a lot like mine!

The solution for us was to cut down on the trips out and arranged stuff at weekends and just sit and play with her instead.

Might be worth a try?

[RhubarbFool]

Well, as you just said, you still care about what she said. So it doesn't matter how many other activities you do with her, if it bothers you that she thinks you're too busy to play, you need to change it.

Half an hour of play a day is easy to fit in, before bedtime for example. I cannot BEAR playing role play games with my 5yo (lego bank robbery etc.) - but there are certain things I like doing, so he gets to choose from them - snakes and ladders, ludo, lego, building a train track, getting some beads and making 'jewels'.

My dh works till after midnight every night, sometimes weekends too, I also have a 16mo too, and I often have to work (freelance) after the boys are in bed. I don't usually get to bed myself till well after midnight.

I can't afford to go out 3 times a week, but I do get a cleaner once a week - have you thought about that, to help with the housework?

Just do what it takes to make sure you can give your dd half an hour a day of playtime a day with her - which I think is really about just giving her some undivided attention.

[Lucilastic]

Perhaps you'd feel less exhaused if you didn't go out 3 nights a week. God I'd be happy with one night out a month.
How do you afford it? Who babysits?

[Lancelottie]

Tortoise, your failed blackcurrant syrup just made me laugh, and brought back a pin-sharp image of my dad failing once again to make blackberry jam, and having to chip it out of the jar in huge crystalline chunks.

OP, clearly what your daughter needs is some seriously rubbish cooking to jeer at. Especially if you can reliably repeat the failure year after year.

[MissCromwell]

You are obviously doing brilliantly. It will get easier.

I have an only dd and my advice is to ruthlessly cultivate child friends for her. Children love to play and really its best if they play those "pretend" games with other children who enjoy them too. It may save you a lot of guilt to have friends round for her...it may even work out easier as you can get things done while they play...and it will certainly work out easier when she gets invited back! You can build up a network of good friendships with the parents too and all help each other out.

Remember she is getting lots of playing at nursery so she is not really being deprived, and if she is really desperate for more play you might look into a local childminder in addition for occassional afternoons - lets you get things done, and gives her a big dose of play with other kids.

[timeisshort]

yeah - i am defending myself arent i.

i have my own issues ( set in childhood) of never being good enough. Very insightful to pick that up. I didnt even realise myself.

i spoke to her about it while we were making the buns. I asked her what she meant, and she said she meant what she said. That i dont play with her.
So, i asked her what she would like me to play and she just say playmobile and the fish game.
I said, yes, we played playmobile last night didnt we and with a huge grin she said ' yes, we did'.

So, i dont think shes wanting hours and hours of me sat on the floor with her, maybe just the odd 20 mins here and there.

Im really going to make an effort on the playdate thing. WE are having one in the park today ( picnic all made) and shes very excited about that. Then we are pond dipping with a new friend of hers next week. The week after shes at her dads. But if i can try and do something with another child every other week then thats a good thing i think.