The worst thing. Dd said to me - you are always busy mummy.

[timeisshort]

and i am.
She said i dont have time to play with her.
And i dont.

I dont know how to fix this.

Im a single parent and i work part time. We leave the house at 8.10 am and get home just after 3. A quick dog walk, and small amount of housework and its 4.30.
I then have to think about tea, watering the garden, bathing, bed time for 7pm.
I have one day off in the week and its usually for housework/errands/stuff i need to do and hopefully something fun for DD and us together, like a day out or something. Maybe 1 in 4 times actually. The weekends i have her we tend to hang around the house. But im usually doing gardening, or housestuff again.

I just dont seem to have time. i want to play with her, to just sit down and do lego for hours. But after a short time i think, god, ive got this this and this to do.

its all very well to say leave it, but i cant, if i dont do it noone else will and its a small house and goes to pot really quicky if i dont do the day to day stuff.

So, how do i make more time for her?

[Takver]

I would borrow DH's line - practise, and repeat

"It is not my job to play with you. It is my job to look after you, make sure you are safe and happy, and well cared for. But it is not my job to play with you. Children play games, adults don't play games. If you'd like to come and help me (build a wall/wash the dishes/weed the garden/insert as appropriate) that would be lovely. But if you want to play lego, I'm afraid you'll have to play on your own."

(Disclaimer - dd has loads of friends to play with, she's not that hard done by!)

[laga]

I too am a LP and work too long hours, 4 days a week getting home at gone 6. My DD too would like to play all day, particularly babies where we pretend to be babies! It is a struggle to get all the jobs done and have fun and agree some things can be done post bedtime but not much as by the time bedtime is done it is gone 8! However, I think as a LP your guilt feels worse but really it is a working mums guilt and dilemma as lots of dads don't do much either! Also, a lot of your 'stuff' comes from only child syndrome. It sounds to me like you do fab stuff with your daughter and, like other posters are saying, she is doing what kids do and pushing your guilt button. I say 'ok I'll hang out the washing, then we'll play babies then we'll make lunch' for example. Jobs need to be done but as long as she gets 10 minutes solely devoted to 'playing babies' she doesn't mind. That way the game is her choice but you still get the jobs done! Perhaps it is the fact that she doesn't get to dictate the activity which is the problem. Every now and then perhaps let her lead even if it is only for 10 minutes and entails pretending to have your nappy changed (oh, the humiliation of it!) - ps. my dad babysat the other day and she tried to get him to play babies - he put the telly on quick she she sure pushed his buttons!

[mybabylookslikepob]

OP - when your DD comments that you don't play with her, could you start to talk with her about what she actually wants you to do? Make a list together of games she would like you to play with her. Over time you'd be able to work through this list (if you are able to do housework/gardening when she's in bed or relax about the length of the grass) - and then the next time she says you don't play with her, you could point out all the things you have done from your list. Could that work?

[GColdtimer]

OP, you are doing brilliantly. Only read the first half of the thread and I can see how some posts would make you feel worse. I am not a lone parent, have occasional family help and a cleaner for 2 hours a week and I still don't find much time to "play" with my DD. We do loads of stuff together but I just don't really like playing (which actually means being bossed around an awful lot and told exactly what to say and do with the disney bloody princess dolls). My parents never played with us in this way, not to my knowledge anyway.

One thing I do do however which you could perhaps incorporate is "play" whilst doing other things. For example, we sometimes play restaurants at meals times. She makes a menu and I am the waitress/cook and we pretend she is out to dinner. Likewise with getting dressed/putting shoes on (clothes./shoe shops), washing and rying her hair (hairdressers). That way, we are getting on with our day but also incorporating "pretend play". Seems to keep DD (aged 4) happy.

[carriedababi]

oh i like twofalls idea of playing restaurants.
i think i'll do that with dd this week.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

"I think that probably makes a difference as when she goes to her dads is just 48 hours of playing with her and fun stuff. I cant do that with the 12 out of 14 that i have her. Its just how it is."

And that is exactly why she said what she said. She is getting 48 hours of sole attention at her dad's, presumably, because I would suspect that her dad would be on top of the housework by the weekend as he does not have her during the week and so has time to keep on top of the housework during the week. Unlike yo - you ARE doing everything, and you are doing it VERY VERY well, and really you should congratulate yourself, not beating yourself up about one comment she made!

Someone further up asked why you couldn't just let the housework go on the weekends you have her? But I suspect you wouldn't be able to let it go at weekendss if you are doing your best to give her time and attention during the week - if I didn't do any housework during the weekend then my kids would get no attention from me all week after work as I'd be having to catch up then. It is very hard, you only have so much time, and it does seem like you spend a lot of time wtih her doing lovely things.

Really, you are doing fabulously well. Fabulously. I have a feeling she has only said this because of the amouhnt of attention she gets at her dad's house - she's become "spoilt" for want of a better word, and expects exactly the same at home where you are trying to be superwoman doing everything.

I bet if she had a sibling she wouldn't have made this "playing" comment. The only time I ever felt like my mum could have made more of an effort to play with me when I was little was when I was recovering from chickenpox and my sister was at school. Mum just seemed to be cleaning/ironing/cooking all day. She was ovviously doing those things on other days, it's just that I never noticed because normally after school I had my sister/neighbourhood kids to play with and so didn't need my mum to play with me.

Just one last suggestion, have you tried asking exactly what she means by "playing"? i.e. if you are about to start making dens/baking/reading etc you could always call her bluff and say "or would you rather we played instead?" She might actually say "But this IS playing, mummy!" Even if she doesn't say that, it's an opportunity for her to pick a playing activity that she wants, even if it IS mind-numbingly boring My Little Pony acting out rubbish.

[Lotkinsgonecurly]

I think from the sounds of it you are doing brilliantly. Children always want more, if they had you full time all day every day, they'd want to see someone else, go somewhere etc.

As a slight aside, ds (6) thinks I don't spend enough time with him, we're on holiday now and I'm making a huge effort. He then asked me today if I minded if he went off to play by himself for a bit as he was too tired to play with me again!

However, I'm not a lone parent, my mother was and I'm in awe of how much she did!

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Just seen Takver's post, which made me laugh, but it is half right really. You are NOT your DD's playmate, and she needs to learn that.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

herecomesthescience - does your dh work all day every day including weekends?! Surely he helps with house/garden stuff on his days off?

[timeisshort]

i dont think she wants pretend play. We do that all the time. ( while im doing things around the house )
I think she wants me to sit down and play with her toys with her.

We do loads of stuff together thats not the problem at all. and she is generally happy pottering about after me while im doing house things. or she helps and thats great.

But i dont actually sit on the floor and play. Today, playing playmobile people for half an hour was actually very difficult. Thats a long time to be making up voices and walking them about and just repeating the same thing. Though dd seemed to like it. Worse is i have a very active imagination. I can tell wonderful stories, about all sorts, and make something magical out of a stick and a puddle.. and she belives it all. We have wonderful conversations about all sorts of made up things. But im just not good at lego or playmobile people.

Though she wanted me to do dancing with her before bed time. Which involved her standing in front of me, jumping about like a loon and shouting ' mummy you have to copy me' and ' mummy do it like this'.

i cant let my social life go. I moved to a new area and have been here for 18 months. I still only know a handful of people. I need to have nice things to do when DD is at her dads else i go bored and depressed quite quickly. Its just quite full on at the momment. Probably trying to do too much again.

Promise the grass does grow that quick. And i stupidly planted loads of veg again this year, after last year growing too much and saying i wouldnt do it. But DD loved planting it/watering it/picking it/eating it.. So i did it for her. Thing is, its more work on top of everything else.

[clippityclop]

You're doing a brilliant job by the sounds of things! Don't be so hard on yourself! She's old enough to understand that there are jobs that just have to be done to keep your home clean, welcoming for your friends and organised so you can find stuff and not be late for going out to enjoy yourself etc. Set her goals for helping you, set the timer, sing songs as you work or whatever works, and then reward her with times when she can chose from two or three activities.
I'm not a single parent but can understand that when it's just the two of you a remark can take on higher significance within the intensity of your relationship. Doing the 'real' stuff can more fun and more valuable long term. Relax!

[LadyLapsang]

Sounds like you are a great mum and spending lots of quality time with your DD. However, sure some of the gardening and housework could slide / find shortcuts.

I used to work the same kind of time as you when DS was your DD's age (but 5 days pw) but I did play, go to the swings, play ball etc. I just didn't mow the lawn, clean the bath every day and I didn't have a dog to look after, I bulk cooked sometimes, had a salad etc.

Make life easy. Have a birthday card and pressie drawer, with wrapping etc. - buy toys in the sale - cheaper and no dragging round the shops all the time (or buy online).

When she starts school I'm sure she will be asked on playdates so some evenings you will get a break / opportunity to catch up on things.

No wonder you're tired if you're out 3 evenings in the week with a child (and work)- you're not a teenager!

[GColdtimer]

timeishort, one thing I have learnt is that however much you do, it will never be enough in the eyes of your children. They will just take as much as you can give and still want more . Some people are rubbish at making up stories but great at playing with toys, others are good at arts and crafts but have no imagination in other ways.

I honestly think you have to stop feeling so guilty. DD1 sometimes moans that I don't do this or don't do that and I have to remind her of all the things I do do (which obviously goes in one ear and out of the other). Play with her when you have the time and inclination but don't let her take you on this guilt trip, you sound like a great Mum. And of course you shouldn't et your social life go in favour of housework. you are a person too.

[carriedababi]

i agree you need to build a social life, but you can do that one or two nights a week, i'd be knackered goign out 3 nights, in fact one does me in lol

is there anyone that could rehome the dog?
even if just for a holiday?

are there any toys you think you would enjoy playing with?
ifso perhaps you could get a few bits,
i'm one of those freaks that enjoys playing with toys esp lego and sylvanians.
but certain things like playing shops i find a bit wearing, perhaps theres toys out there you might both enjoy?

also don't focus on being good at playing, just do it anyway, esp with things like play mobile, ust act out the everyday stuff.

the key is to aim for good enough, not perfection, noone can be perfect all the time.

[minipie]

timeisshort

As I recall, when I was little I played with my toys with friends who came round to tea - not with my mother.

Does your DD have friends who visit? If not, maybe that is something you could do more of? It sounds as if she is really looking for another child to play the sorts of things she likes playing, rather than specifically wanting to do more with you (since you do plenty with her already).

[timeisshort]

lol - i dont clean the bath everyday. i dont have OCD!!

its just general housestuff im doing.

re the dog. Yes probably one thing too many. All the walking and extra hoovering. But i adore him and so does DD and he is involved in many hours or being read too. or dressed up or having some part of Dds make pretend world...

she doesnt begrudge me doing housework either, she usually helps and has never mentioned anythign about it. Literally she said this the other night just as i was putting her to bed. That i was always busy and didnt have time to play with her.



yes at her dads, of course hes all caught up on stuff, and he has a partner too. And they do wonderful fun things with her. Im pleased she has such a great time and i dont have to worry about her when shes with him. But i think maybe thats not helping my situation at home as i just dont have the time.

i dont think i have a misty eye about what a partner can do. I was married actually. to someone who was in the forces, so he wasnt there much anyway. And when he was he was a useless lazy bum. But he still did some things sometimes. Its actually amazing how a tiny tiny amout of help can make a big difference. Even just being there for someone else to talk to the child. DD just has me to talk to.. so its constant.

[BoffinMum]

I don't think you should feel you have to be a playmate on top of everything else you are doing with her, which is considerable.

I am not great at playing either. I did play Top Trumps and a Harry Potter board game today but that was rare and DS2 got me while my defences were down.

I think the reason we're adults is because we're well past the stage of hours and hours of imaginary stuff with dolls, and onto playing house for real with a proper one. That's perfectly fine. It's like not wanting to stuff your face with sweets any more. We all grow up, which is OK and the natural order of things.

I would say a few more playdates with kids her own age and this may pass.

[Druzhok]

Another one who is not good at getting down to my children's level and playing with them.

You doing pretty well, I reckon.

[omaoma]

Timeisshort - I totally know what you mean. I have a (helpful) husband, only work 2 days/week, have a pretty self-managing child, (and no dog) and i STILL spend my life thinking 'have to put the washing out, water the garden, cook, tidy up...', and spending next to no time actually interacting with DD. I'm pretty sure when she's 4 I'm going to get the same whine. The point where she goes to bed is so precious to me, I just want to collapse and DO NOTHING til bedtime. Or drink. Saving up the chores til then makes me want to cry. All my energy just disappears.

I haven't quite decided what the issue is in all this, but I think not having fun for myself in the day is somewhere close. Also maybe something about not being able to self-direct our time? (And possibly why your heart sinks at the thought of being literally directed by your daughter in 'playtime'.) We don't live in the 1950s so we follow our children's timetable and needs, not the other way round. And it's soul-destroying. I can never quite get DH to understand that, even though he works steadily on his hour's commute to and from work, it's still HIS time, as opposed to belonging to another small human being -which the main carer doesn't get in the 12-hour day at home with the kids.

PS my father in law had a nanny as a child in the 50s, who insisted on 6.30pm bedtime, whatever their age, AND to have 2-hour naps (!) during the day - when they weren't allowed to read or play if they weren't tired... that woman knew what she was doing!

[whomovedmychocolate]

Timeishort - you've had lots of lovely positive comments here. Can I add one more? Perhaps she's just a bit lonely? Could she have a friend over to play (and then she could go on a return trip and you get an hour off - result!)

Also, please don't feel bad because it sounds to me like you are doing a fab job under very trying circumstances. Kids do get a spell of the boreds and get very dissatisfied. My DD has not eaten any meal for a week without complaining and it's just because her routine is out of whack because of the summer holidays.

Roll on September and normality I say!

Try not to get down. You are coping with something most of us would struggle with (ie doing it alone).

[titferbrains]

Have read/scanned most of this thread. Am sure that as many other posters have said, that yr DD's comment is not worth worrying about as you are doing an amazing job.

but...maybe it's worth having a little chat with her and asking her what she meant, and more importantly, asking exactly what she wants mummy to do. maybe she is thinking of a game she played with her dad, something she saw at someone's house etc. Maybe you could make a wish jar (or something) and she can put in ideas of what she wants to do during playtime and when you have 20 min, you can dip into the jar and do that. or plan things ahead of time - yr ex gets nearly 2 weeks to plan how to be marvellous for 2 days. Don't bother cleaning after she goes to bed tmw night, get online and find something lovely you can both do that will really create a memory for you and her.

I do believe kids are happier if they feel like they get properly listened to from time to time. I am sure you do listen but maybe having a really clear conversation about anything she wishes was part of her day would make you feel better.

[chunglimum]

You do sound like you're doing a really good job. But for everyone who says you're her parent, not her playmate, can I just second the recommendation above for "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen. It's a fantastic book and really helpful for getting into playing with children and all the subsequent benefits it can bring to your relationships with them and their emotional development.

[bippyhippy]

Sorry, I have to laugh out loud because kids are such little monkeys for making us feel bad.

This morning I got up with my 4yr old at 7. we ate breakfast and then played the following:

making towers
building lego houses
transformers

Until daddy got up at 9 o'clock. That's 2 hours of play! And also very unusual. Normally we have nursery and stuff to do and so on...hubby has a week's holiday this week too.

So hubby gets up and we're all getting ready to go out for the day and 4yo says "daddy, will you play transformers with me?"
Daddy says no coz we're going out (theme park I should point out)... kiddo says "but...but..." bottom lip wobbling... "no one ever plays with me..."

I recommend you take a read of the following:

The Idle Parent, Tom Hodgkinson
The Secret of Happy Children, Stephen Biddulph.

Both great books and will make you feel a whole lot better about what a great mother you are.

Also, one more tip. Each time you do something with DD - even if it only 5 mins, put a penny in a jar. i.e. you walk the dog together, you eat tea together and chat, you read a bedtime story, you bath her, cuddle her, drive home from school together... do this for thirty days and watch those coins pile up. That's what parenting is... that's the great job you are already doing and when you look at that jar of coins, you will smile when LO complains that you're not playing with her...

xx

[thebody]

you are a wonderful mum because you clearly worry about the happiness of your child.

I am a child minder.. i have worked full time for the last 4 years, thats 3 children under 4 every day from 8 till 6.

my own youngest child is 11 and I feel incredibly guilty that I was a sahm for my older children and she is frequently put last behind the minded children.. summer holidays were the worst..

I recently cut one of my days.. made so much difference ..and joined the local gym which has a nice pool.

most nights we go swimming, to the cinema or chill and watch a movie together... guess what.. my older boys say she is spoilt and they never had this much attention...

as a mum you can never win..