Aaargh - do I DARE have a second child? After reading this book maybe not....

[ScarlettButler]

So I'm expecting my second child and have started reading Three Shoes, One sock and no hairbrush by rebecca adams to try to prepare myself. i like the author's point that we always see media reps of motherhood as one on one which simply doesn't translate to the practicalities of you and a toddler and a baby (have been wondering for some time how am going to combine breastfeeding and potty training realistically)
But about two thirds of the way through reading it now and frankly TERRIFIED. The age gap will be all wrong (only 22 months, author says over 3 yrs is best); second pregnancy ruins your body and pelvic floor; the youngest child is two years old before you get out of any sort of deep slough of despond/mayhem/manageable stress/out of the front door; first child ends up bemused and ignored and unhappy (and as an eldest I fully sympathise with this); money is terrible; haven't even got on to what happens to your marriage

I seem to be in the worst situation because of age gap, easy first baby (therefore potential real shock to the system if next one not so easy); probably different genders....HELP! I feel like I've thrown a nuclear bomb into my family. How did everyone else cope going from 1 to 2 kids? Is it 2013 before I will even get out the front door again? I sound like I'm taking the mick, but am genuinely very worried.

you will cope - because that is what you have to do. Your older one will be independent enough to play while you feed etc. You will find it is much easier second time around because it isn't all new to you. You might even wonder what you did with all your time when you only had one newborn (and no toddler to entertain too).

Don't panic - just trust yourself to cope (after all you don't have much choice now ).

IME you go into a deep fog and re-emerge when the child is 9m - by which point you don't care

OK, to be serious. I won't lie, I am looking forward to DD being about 18m/2 when I'm told it all starts getting easier. But as far as babies go, I found #2 much easier. Just in a "getting up and out of the house" way. I was dropping DS off for nursery and going shopping when she was less than a week, with DS I wouldn't have made it until the afternoon

Feeding is much easier - she had shorter feeds with longer gaps.

Suppose what I'm saying is you're planning for worst case - fair enoug - but then you might be in for a pleasant surprise.

Scarlett, throw the book in the bin!

I didn't read anything to prepare for having my second - didn't even know these books existed! Have a 16mth age gap between my two boys - it's bloody hard work but I manage, as do millions of other people. And, IME, once they're a little older it's actually easier than having one cos you're not their sole source of entertainment.

There is no such thing as a perfect age gap and it makes no difference whether they are both boys, both girls or different - whether they get on with each other and with you is down to personality not gender.

Enjoy the rest of your pg and try not to sweat the small stuff. You'll be fine .

Lol SPB - DS2 is 9 mths today and the fog has not yet lifted!!

oh & some things are loads easier. You remember no sleep & how to cope. You know what to do with a funny little rash. You can put a snow suit on without breaking an arm. You can already do loads one handed with a child in the other arm

Eddie - DD is 10 months and the fog is clearing! her christening is on SUnday, once that's over i feel as though life will be pretty easy. Then I go back to work.

I forgot to mention. You already have to pack a changing bag when you go out. You already have to clean the devestation in the kitchen after meals. You already have to do loads of washing - baby clothes are tiny & just slip in. twice the babies does not = twice the work.

Cbeebies is your friend.

|Does your elder one go to nursery / cm?

Going from one to two was no problem at all for me. You already know what to do and have all the equipment and your expectations are realistic (I think you will leave the house before 2013 but at least you understand that you won't be leading your old childless life right away). Going from two to three was imo much harder - suddenly you do not have a hand to give to each child, and the children outnumber the parents.

As for age gaps - it must be different for everyone but I had my second child 18 months after my first and they were both boys. I can only say that of all my 4 children, those 2 have by far and away the closest relationship. They were immediately inseparable and have remained so. Maybe having them both the same sex helped there.

The age gap that did not work so well for me was 27 months. Ds2 (2nd child) found it hard to accept dd (3rd child) for a few years, although they are good friends now.

The age gap between dd and ds3 (4th child) was about 3 years. There weren't any difficulties, but they are not as close as my first two children are. So stuff the advice about age gaps. It depends on the individual children. Personally, I loved having my children close in age. The other two would have come along much moe quickly if I could have persuaded dh to the idea!

You can do it! Try and go into it with a positive attitude (not easy I know).
For me, going from 1 to 2 was the hardest, a total shock to the system, initially. It took about a year before I regained my equilibrium, and then I never looked back. Went on to have 3 and 4.
You will amaze yourself at how adept you become at juggling the 2, before you even realise you're doing it. The age gap is perfect I think as they will be close enough in age to be good friends (fingers crossed), as I was 4 when my sis was born and I spent years being jealous!
You will try your best to make your eldest feel loved and secure, try to empathise with dc1 feelings about the baby, and it will be fine.
As for potty training, don't feel pressured, as it probably isn't a good idea to train until baby is abit older and dc1 has settled down.
Good luck!

Yes SPB she goes to a childminder 3 days a week, although money will be tighter I was wondering whether it would be best to keep her there as some kind of routine/stability*. What do you think?

Thanks everyone, sure the hormones are making it worse but I was awake at 2am thinking what the HELL have i done getting pregnant again? Every page seemed to have a new potential problem...and I am really worried about being tired and ratty and horrible to lovely DD who has been a really easy baby and now seems destined to be miserable for years if she doesn't bond with new sibling and I get the balance wrong.

Also am seriously worried about what she says about what happens to yr body second time round

*er, also few hours' break for me to be honest as well

I droppd DS down to 2 days at nursery whilw i'm on ML - so we dont have to do resettling (and yes, the break)

Do you have other help? parents nearby?

Honestly having just one child is almost as easy as not having any wrt getting things done.

and she doesnt even watch beebies

I have a 3 year age gap between mine so in some ways it wasn't too bad eg dd1 was out of nappies etc but it was still hard work when dd2 was tiny. But please don't scare yourself! There's no denying it's an upheaval for your pfb and it is bloody hard work but you will find coping strategies. It gets easier as the baby gets older, definitely. Just realise that normal life is on hold for a while.

re effect of second pregnancy on body, I didn't find much difference to first prenancy to be honest.

I worried about having no. 2. I put it off till I had a big gap and I also read that book. It has been fine and I wish I had not left it so long to be honest. My age gap is 3 and a quarter years.

OhWhatNoooow - similar age gap between me and my sibling - 4 yrs - and sometimes I think I've never got over the displacement

There's 22 months between DS and DD. It was fine (still is and they are 6 and 4 now ).

I got out and about much quicker than after DS - DD just fitted in really. Didn't sleep much but somehow it was all right.

You have not done the wrong thing

I honestly found having two only very slightly more difficult than having one - and I definitely didn't find the aftermath period when you are coping with a newborn anywhere near as tough as I did first time around. I suppose the 'shock' of motherhood was totally removed and I was way more relaxed about things (once she arrived...not when pregnant...no, no, no, I was stressing just like you, OP).

My figure/pelvic floor is no worse than it was after my first baby. I recovered more quickly from the birth. My oldest child (almost 4 yr age gap) was insanely jealous, but we coped. It wasn't so bad.

I will say that my first baby was demanding, a crap sleeper and was basically alert and intent on being tended to 24/7 (like most babies, I suppose), whereas my second baby was sleepy, gurgly and chilled out. I do wonder how I would have coped if I had had them the other way around....

24 months between my 2. As spb says the fog lifts at some point and it is easier somehow to get out of the house. I'm not saying it is a doddle but the second one just sort of gets bundled along since you normally go to toddler group on Monday and the library on Tuesday so you just keep doing it as it is far easier to entertain the toddler when out. And yes, cbeebies is your friend.

CatIsSleepy, Abrams seeems to have some frightening stats on pelvic floors

I have some university research to complete and I'm just wondering if anything is possible - i know not much, but my funding only lasts for a limited time....

I have a 3 month old and a 22 month old, so similar gap. DS1 was an easy baby, DS2 was a nightmare but is now settling! It's been pretty hard going at first, I won't lie, more mentally than anything as they both pull relentlessly in different directions (mainly by screaming until they get what they want), and I was sooooooooo paranoid about neglecting one by giving the other too much attention it was a 10 week juggling act. But at 3 months I feel it really is settling down. And the baby has started to watch the older one for entertainment.

We do get out and about a lot (it keeps you and the older one sane), so the thing I let 'go' is my own hair/make-up/clothes. I look pretty rough most days, but who cares really. I was also more committed to pelvic floor exercises/stomach muscle exercises this time, and my stomach looks pretty flat in the morning already.

Top tips are:

Sling - Close Baby one is fab and we have a Baby Bjorn for variety. Then you can cuddle baby and have both hands free for toddler.

Couple of bouncy chairs at different points in the house to put the baby down quickly if needed.

Retro DVDs that relax the older one while you breastfeed - we have Mr Benn, Bagpuss and Ivor the Engine - I kid you not, they are like valium for toddlers, and so much more bearable for me to be in front of than modern TV (I'm a 30-year-old fogey, I know).

Bathtime and bedtime at 6-7pm for baby as well as toddler, though baby is downstairs - then suddenly you've established night/day/sleep routine without even trying and have evenings to recover!

When it all gets too much - dump both in pram and head to nearest park.

Carry snacks at all times to keep toddler occupied while you load baby in and out of pram/bf in the car etc while out and about.

Baby is still wearing babygros all day and will continue to do so until 9 months at least!

I don't change baby's nappy at night unless he poos, I put him in one size up at night and that does the trick = more sleep for me and he doesn't get woken up fully.

And if nothing else, labour and hospital stay is a nice break from toddler parenting

Oh, and I think in some ways a smaller gap than I had is better. There is more donkey work involved, yes, but trust me, after nearly four years of being an only, my DS was severely put out by the arrival of a new sibling and it wasn't impulsive 2 yr old scratches that my newborn got - it was full on, 4 yr old flying kicks. hard work!

Firstly congratulations, 22 months is an excellent age gap!

I don't know who this Rebecca Adams is and who made her an expert in the perfect age gap, but I can tell you she's talking bollocks. My friends have age differences ranging from 10 months to 15 years, and all of them have survived.

Having babies is stressful, but I have founder memories of having a baby and a toddler than just a baby, iyswim. I was more confident and chilled as a parent by then and soon had a routine that suited us all. At least I always had someone to talk to!

Having said all that, your post did remind me of trying to breast feed DS and potty train DD at the same time. How come DD always wanted to go when DS just latched on? And i wont tell you of our first trip to the supermarket!

Don't worry, 22 months is a lovely age gap, and you will all have some a lovely time.

Thanks for starting this thread as I'm in the same position (20 month gap) and also lay awake last night worrying! I'm definitely avoiding that book though.

Just checked out that book on Amazon and the reviews do make it sound like a must-not-read! Second baby is not nearly as life changing as the first.

I also meant to say - have a baked potato every lunchtime without fail to help with milk and energy levels.

I have 20 month gap and it's just perfect! Except for the first few months...

I found that dc1 didn't regress, as so many b ooks say, but that she didn't make much progress forward for a good few months.

Much easier to have 2 in nappies at once - big nappies and small nappies is fine, so don't be in a hurry to potty train.

It's the most gorgeous age gap once they get to 1.5 and 3.5 ish onwards.

But be warned, once dc 1 starts school, there's something about a small age gap in the first 2 that makes you want a dc3...

And yes, of course you'll cope cos you won't be pregnant any more!