Aaargh - do I DARE have a second child? After reading this book maybe not....

[ScarlettButler]

So I'm expecting my second child and have started reading Three Shoes, One sock and no hairbrush by rebecca adams to try to prepare myself. i like the author's point that we always see media reps of motherhood as one on one which simply doesn't translate to the practicalities of you and a toddler and a baby (have been wondering for some time how am going to combine breastfeeding and potty training realistically)
But about two thirds of the way through reading it now and frankly TERRIFIED. The age gap will be all wrong (only 22 months, author says over 3 yrs is best); second pregnancy ruins your body and pelvic floor; the youngest child is two years old before you get out of any sort of deep slough of despond/mayhem/manageable stress/out of the front door; first child ends up bemused and ignored and unhappy (and as an eldest I fully sympathise with this); money is terrible; haven't even got on to what happens to your marriage

I seem to be in the worst situation because of age gap, easy first baby (therefore potential real shock to the system if next one not so easy); probably different genders....HELP! I feel like I've thrown a nuclear bomb into my family. How did everyone else cope going from 1 to 2 kids? Is it 2013 before I will even get out the front door again? I sound like I'm taking the mick, but am genuinely very worried.

With difficulty I think. I could try but then they might say "well you know when the start date was, you agreed it, and if you don't do it then, someone else will be missing out"

I'm just nervous of even bringing the subject up if you know what I mean....

Scarlett I am having similar thoughts....! I just found our I'm 4 weeks pg with our second and it's due a month after DS's second birthday. A big part of the decision for me was that I didn't want a big gap, and I also kind of wnted to get the baby stage over with IYKWIM. I've just spent the evening reading the Baby Whisperer's Guide to Toddlers and I'm suddenly thinking perhaps I should have waited a bit longer and focussed on DS exclusively!!

I'm sure we'll be ok though - when I wasyoung nearly all my friends at school had two year age gaps with their siblings, and they hadn't killed each other!

Ah, you get what you're given with age gaps, and you make the best of it. You can't predict how close siblings will be based on age, it's about personalities. Don't worry about it.

My girls are 23mths and 8 weeks so a similar age gap.

I wont lie and tell you its always fab, There are days when its bloody hard work! One day last week I burst into tears when DD1 was having a full on tantrum!

Generally though it is fine. DD1 loves her little sister with no jealousy. My HV told me that in her many yrs she has found that around the 2yr age to be the easiest for that.

I completely agree about being soooooo much more relaxed second time round. DD2 just kinda slips into whatever we are doing that day. She 'watches' DD1 and I having swimming lessons, comes to toddler groups etc.
You will be out and about. We were out shopping in town at 4 days old! You really do just get on with it with two.

I recovered really quickly and had a much quicker/easier birth. Pelvic floor- All seems fine so far (fingers crossed!)

It really is lovely to see DD1 laying with DD2 on the play gym shaking the toys for her and getting all excited when she smiles back at her. Looking forward to DD2 becoming more interested in toys so they can interact more.

Def get them involved in helping and doing "big girl jobs". DD is desperate to help when DD2 has her nappy changes. She gets nappies/wipes etc for me and loves to get DD2 teddies to hold.

That book sounds awful, its really not that bad!

Scarlett, re working, the weird thing is I've got loads done. I went freelance 2 months before DS2 was born and I worked like a demon while DS1 was at nursery 3 days per week.

(And in answer to your earlier question, yes do leave her in for 2-3 days if you can afford, as it's lovely to really focus on the baby for a whole day at a time, and on those days I find myself wandering around with ages of time - even if I'm wearing him in a sling or whatever).

Anyway back to work question... I took on a little freelance when he was 6 weeks old to test the water, and took on a big project at 10 weeks. I work in the evenings/nap times when DS1 is at nursery/weekends a little when DH can supervise DS1. I'm actually getting loads done in small chunks of time. I just find I'm so much more focused this time as I don't have to spend hours worrying I'm going to break the baby... I was also itching to get the work-baby balance back much sooner than with DS1, where I went back to work after 1 year.

DS1 is 25 months old and DS2 is 8 months old so similar gap to yours - 21 months...

Er... There's no easy way to say this but the first few months are hell. As long as you accept that the first few months are all about survival i.e. oh, both boys are alive by 7pm, you are doing excellent on all front!

The great news is that once you get through the first few months and things start to improve, it just keeps getting easier! I think you have had great advice here so I won't add any more other than to say that in three days, I managed to catch up on about 10 episodes of Glee and no, the children aren't neglected though DS2 might turn out gay with the number of show tunes he has been exposed to in such a short period of time!

There's 22 months between DD3 and DS who is 10 weeks.

18 months between DD1 and 2 and it is fab they are so close, Ok at the start it is hard work but now they are older 6 and 4 1/2 they are constant friends for each other, some days it feels like you are a constant referee but others they play games together all day.

There's 2 1/2 years between DD2 and 3 and I find it a harder gap, they are just too wide apart developmentally just now to play well together, one of the reasons we had DS.

You will get out the house, you will BF a baby and have a toddler there, you will cope, you will be fine, you just have to be.

25 months between my 2; CBeebies is certainly a lifesaver. DD2 fitted in much better than DD1. You're more confident, have done it all before, trust yourself and your decisions more and quite frankly it's more interesting cos once you've fed the baby and put him/her back down for ANOTHER sleep you have your toddler to do something more fun with.
DD2 slept better (she had to), played independently better (she had to) and whilst now at 2.5 is a stroppy madam, has been a much easier baby all round!
Good luck!

23 months between my two and honestly it was so much easier the second time around even though DS2 is not anywhere near as easy-go-lucky as his brother. The difference was I was better at it!!!

the book sounds ridiculous! congrats on your pregnancy, i think 22 months is a pretty good gap and im sure it will all go fine

About your research, I would have thought it's sex discrimination if they don't let you change the start dates - the law is pretty strong on maternity discrimination - I found in my work they weren't allowed to say I had a year's less experience than someone else because I had been on M/L for a year which seemed bizarre to me because I did have a year's less experience, but there you are!

I'm 36 weeks pregnant with my second and tbh I'm scared about how I'm going to cope, but I have heard that that book is negative and should not be read, so CHUCK IT IN THE BIN!

I'm tempted but I'm really not going to ask what on earth it says about your body after your 2nd child! I'll obv have a fab body in no time

I'm scared about feeding, bf was a disaster first time round and I ended up a basketcase so fingers crossed it's easier this time. I have a truckload of Lansinoh and a copy of the Food of Love so that should help! Also scared about my sanity - I'm with dd (2.3) full-time 6 days a week with no grannies nearby and dp doesn't get home til 9.30pm. Luckily she's an angel child (so far), though I'm terrified I'm going to have a really difficult dc no.2 after having such an easy time with dd - arrghh!

o you'll be completely fine OP! for me and most of my mum mates, second baby was walk ni the park compared to first - it is not the same shock to the system, nor is it the same complete overhaul of life-as-you-know-it - it is not double the workload / stress / exhaustion i don't think - for me, each child has been less stressful than the previous as I've just been that bit less ridiculously anxious over everything. i have not read the book but i think the 'ideal' age gap theory is complete tosh. Friends have load of differing age gaps - one friend has three children 10 months apart each, another had one 19 years ago and another last year with none in between! we all make our families work for us. I'd say chuck the fecking book in the bin!
xxxx

I have 22 month gap between my ds and dd too and although I found the first year a bit of a whirlwind I like the fact that they're close in age and in many ways easier than having longer gaps.

I would say having a second baby IS a lot harder than the first from an organisation PoV but, a year in, and we are doing great.

Ds is 25 months now... DD is coming up 12months and my Dh still works away Monday to Friday.

We have coped. it's not always been easy but ( i have found and i think others have too) you don't realise how tough it's been until it gets a bit easier.

looking back, there are days I must have been totally away with it, but we have managed and we are getting better every day

I've read this book, after I was completly floored by having DC2.

I did find it a huge shock to the system having 2 but I think it depends what your starting point is/was. I went from working full-time with a pre-schooler in f/t childcare to being at home with 2. Being employed is much easier!

I haven't read the book (thank god) but found going from 1 to 2 so much easier. I have a 27 month gap and it is fine. We're in a hard patch at the moment because DS doesn't sleep ever but I know what to do about it really and I can cope anyway with less sleep than pre-DD!

On the body thing, I had SPD through pregnancy and put on 3.5 stone. I was seriously panicking about how to lose it. I've dieted a little bit while bf and started running. I've now lost all theweight I'd put on in pregnancy plus 2 stone so am at my ideal weight which can be maintained while eating lots of biscuits for bf. I think it helped me that I'm not planning any more DCs and so this was my real opportunity to get in shape. My body now though is in better state than it has been for over 10 years and much healthier - not as thin but a lot fitter. So really don't worry about that side of it.

Well, I enjoyed having a 24 month gap with our first two so much that we are doing it again with our third child (due any week now)

thanks azazello - last time I did a lot of walking and an antenatal aerobics class. This time: zero apart from running round after DD. I know pregnancy is a lovely beautiful celebration of femininity etc etc but quite frankly I feel like a big fat lump....

foreverastudent the reason why I read this book was because I wanted to think about going from 1 to2. However I have found it a bit depressing (basically she seems to be saying why ever have more than 1!...or maybe that's me being unfair....

The plus points of having two do seem to be a bit rushed over in the conclusion...

Hi there,
I have a slightly bigger gap between my 2 DD's (2.5 yrs) and the first few weeks were hard, mainly because I had such a clear routine with DD1 and I couldn't figure out how to blend DD2 in with this. 10 weeks on and I still cant really figure it out! I take one day at a time and it all just seems to work out - I mainly stick to DD1's pattern and DD2 follows along.

I keep telling myself that I loved having a brother and a sister and that I am doing them both a favour by giving them a sibling!!

Good luck!

I also read the book and it terrified me. With hindsight I think this had one major benefit - the reality of 2 DC was much easier than the book made it out to be. Better that way round than the other!

19mo gap here. Found it very difficult adjusting to life with one baby, a doddle going from one to two DC. You'll be fine.

my are 23 months apart and when not fighting best buddies (older almost 13 dd , younger almost 11 ds)
they were always playing well, supported each other and even done most of activities together

second time round was less stressfull, I had more time for myself etc as I knew how to organise my time and not have repeated my mistakes again

I read that book too! it was great.

definately have the second child, its well worth it.

24 months between mine. They are now 6 and 8, and squabble incessantly. It was far easier when they were a baby and a toddler!

I potty trained DS when DD was a week old. It was fine. It took a couple of days (we were housebound anyway, so I took the opportunity). The big thing that helped me was having them both in a fixed routine from the outset. I used to have an hour after lunch when DD was asleep and DS was quiet in his room, so I could fall asleep in front of the tv do something useful. DD's morning nap was good for DS, as he knew he had guaranteed one-to-one time with me. Ditto evening. I'm not good with stooging around, so it helped me to have a structure to the time.

I generally found it easier second time round. With DS, I hadn't got a clue, and didn't get my act together at all with playgroups etc. I did the whole lot when DD came along, and it made life much better. My social life was vastly better after DD. Thanks to her existence, I made some fantastic friends, and had endless reasons to get out of the house on what would otherwise have been miserable wet days.

Second pregnancy did no damage to my body. Elcs beat forceps any day.

There were very hard days when they were little, but overall I'd view it as pretty much the best time of my life. Ignore the book!

OMG, haven't read the answers but I have a just turned 3 yr old and a 7 month old.

To give you more of a picture of myself, Im a bag of worry and anxiety at the best of times, not what you call a coper by any stretch, throw in 2 children and you have yourself a complete fruitcake!

DS was 2.7. DD born 3 weeks early with severe reflux and screamed 24/7 and Im not exaggerating, I thought we were going to loose our minds.

So the first 3 months were a combo of joy/excitement at looking at our 2 creations/exhaustion - same as first/and sheer horror. By 12 weeks everything (and everyone calmed down and now it's amazing.
DS loves his lil sis (most of the time), we love her as much as our first and it's brilliant having a family of four.

Ive never pissed myself and im a stone lighter than I was by the time DS was 7 months - Still got a stone to loose though!

Me and DH still like each other (most of the time) and it's just the same as the first from marraige point of view. First 3 months I didn't notice I had a DH. More fighting, stress etc and now we are slowly getting back to normal.

DONT PANIC - and don't read books