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Original poster

4 year old dd wants her ears pierced ... aaaarrghhhh

115 replies

WigWamBam · 14/07/2005 18:25

I didn't really expect to have to deal with this so soon!

Both dh and I have agreed that if dd wants her ears pierced when she's 13 or so then that's fine - but she wants it done now, and she's only just 4.

I thought I could reason with her, but she has an answer for everything. The conversation went a bit like this:

Me: No, you're too young to have your ears pierced.
DD: J has hers pierced, Mummy, and she's younger than me.
Me: Well, it doesn't really matter if J has them. I just don't think it's very sensible to have them done until you're older.
DD: J's Mummy is sensible, she's a nurse, and she let J have hers done.
Me: I'm sure she's very sensible, but I still think you're too young. Sometimes other people do things that we don't like, and that's OK if that's what they have decided, but that doesn't mean that it's the right thing for us to do.
DD: If J's Mummy is sensible then that means she does the right things, doesn't it?
Me: Not always, because sometimes it hurts to have your ears pierced, and you have to know how to look after them.
DD: I'm sensible and clever though, so you can show me how to look after them. And I don't mind if it hurts; I'm very brave when things hurt. Anyway, Mummy, you haven't got your ears pierced, so you don't know. J has, and she knows, and it didn't hurt her.

And on ... and on ... and on ...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I'm not interested in whether it's right or wrong, I don't want another argument, but I need help to put my foot down and convince her ... I think I'm losing this one.

I did think about telling her that her ears will turn green and fall off, but somehow I don't think she'd believe me

OP posts:
spidermama · 17/07/2005 10:58

Absolutely not. No.
Because I said so.
I'm not talking about it any more. etc etc.

charliecat · 17/07/2005 11:02

If any of my dds wanted thier ears done I would just gruesomelly tell them that I wasnt prepared to take them to get a piece of thier ears blown out to dangle cheap metal from.
NO.

ScummyMummy · 17/07/2005 11:10

Custardo- that's brilliant. Can't you go with that, wwb?

wobblyknicks · 17/07/2005 11:24

Think you were spot on reasoning with her first wwb but that hasn't 'failed' in this case she's just not quite old enough to appreciate it. Now you just need to say 'I've told you why you can't and I'm sticking to that'.

Think you're totally right not to use 'because I say so' but 'because I've explained why not' is fine. My parents always said 'because I say so' (and look how I've turned out!) and it drove me mad at the time and still does. There's a world of difference between just saying no and sticking by your guns while giving kids a chance to reason with you. May not pay off at the moment but when she's much older she'll know all about reasoning with people and sometimes being able to win them over and sometimes having to stick by their decision. And that'll be worth all the pouting now.

Just having a 'because I said so' means you run the risk of turning out like me and my parents, I can have a wonderful debate with 9/10 people but don't stand a chance with them. Because they never tried to reason with me (which doesn't have to mean pandering) as a child they never knew how to start when I was an adult which has left me with problems in telling them anything and left them with huge problems in relating to me because they don't know how to see anything from my side.

paolosgirl · 17/07/2005 19:11

My DD has decided that she wants to be a mummy when she is 12! I have this vision of her pushing a pram (with pierced ears, of course, LOL) as a young teenager. How proud her father and I will be....

paolosgirl · 17/07/2005 19:11

DD is 5 btw..

Original poster
WigWamBam · 17/07/2005 19:21

I think your parents are my parents, WK; you're describing us exactly. I think that's probably the reason I don't like "because I said so".

Custardo, you are a genius and your suggestion is worth its weight in chocolate

OP posts:
muppety · 17/07/2005 19:22

I haven't read most of the responses but I would let my dd (if I had one!). I had my ears pierced at about age 5. I think it was the most rebellious thing I ever did. No tattoos, other piercings and generally a very boring child and teenager.

Having said that if you really don't want it then I would say a firm no and avoid debate further as far as possible.

wobblyknicks · 17/07/2005 19:24

So you know what I mean anyway wwb! Hopefully dd will soon cotton on that if you've explained your reasons and she can't reason you out of it there's no point going on because you won't change your mind.

KBear · 17/07/2005 19:27

My friend dealt with this by standing outside the window of Claire's Accessories and watching a girl getting her ears pierced. It put her DD and her DD's friend right off!

I'm getting the same question from my 6 yo DD and the answer is no but I said she can when she goes to secondary school. I had to wait til I was 15 for no apparent reason and I thought 11 would be a reasonable age!

leonardodavinci · 17/07/2005 19:28

she is too young, I have not read all of this thred but just tell her NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

joanna4 · 17/07/2005 23:28

I used to work in a chemist and we were not allowed to pierce ears before the age of 8 under any circumstances even if parents were agreeable.
My girl was 8 when her s were done -not by me and we stood son into watch -a surefire way to ensure he doesnt do it.

leonardodavinci · 17/07/2005 23:32

I haven't read all of this thread but would say NO! who is ruling the roost here, you or your 4 year old. Can understand you wanting to air your grievances but it is far too young and there should be no debate really, she is too young anf should wait until she is 14. Easy to say this as dd is 8 1/2 can imagine the same thing coming up but be firm she is too bloody young and you should be firm here.

magnolia1 · 18/07/2005 07:55

My twins are 6 in the holiday and they are getting them pierced next weekend!! Jade was about the same age when she got hers done and she was able to clean them and has never had any problems. She is only allowed studs and buys her own earings with pocket money (she is nearly 10)

The twins have always been told when they want them done we will take them, I have already taken them so they can watch someone else having it done and they still want them done so I have no problem with it.

It really is down to the parent to decide if they are happy with it and if they are not then that is where it ends!

Custardo: Excellent!!! I might try that with anything my girls want which I don't agree with

expatkat · 18/07/2005 07:59

WWB, my childhood best friend, now in her mid-30s, had almost exactly that conversation with her mother at age 4. Her mother, though very traditional & rather strict, had this policy of allowing her daughter to make her own mistakes (within reason). So, when my friend begged & begged for pierced ears at age nearly 4, her mother allowed her them as a birthday present. The daughter was happy enough, but learned the lesson earlya lesson that was reinforced by having access to a very, very small weekly pocket money allowance which my friend sometimes felt she'd mispent after months/years of savingthat desire is one thing, but actually acquiring the think you desire is a lot less glamorous. Her mother (& father) continued to raise her in this wayallowing her freedom to learn some lessons the hard wayand she's grown up to be this incredibly independent & hardworking personm (she went to Harvard Business School etc) with a lot of self-confidence & optimism that things are possible. And I sometimes wonder if her personality doesn't have something to do with the way she was raised. Things were denied her all the time, of course (she was anything but spoiled) but when she could argue something well, and did the research, she was rewarded for it.

[PS: I wouldn't allow my dd to have pierced ears at age 4. But I'd think twice about it, remembering my childhood friend.]

jampots · 18/07/2005 15:59

why not turn the tables on her and ask her precisely why she wants her ears pierced. Ask if she'd like her nose pierced maybe and WHEN she says no, ask why her ears then. If she's up for reason she should understand

Calmriver · 18/07/2005 16:44

I had my ears pierced when I was 5, my choice.
Although I wanted them because a friend had hers done, I was never and am still not one that followed/follows a crowd.I have never smoked, had alcohol etc.

Calmriver · 18/07/2005 16:52

I must say, all these horrible HUGE LOOPY gold/fakegold earings are horrible....

I was allergic to studs, but had tiny little silver sleepers-even when I was 5!

I DON'T THINK I WAS TOO YOUNG!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember everyone is different, and if you FORBID, by just saying NO, your kids could also just start doing things without asking, or without you even knowing about it!!!!!!!!

paolosgirl · 18/07/2005 19:45

But at 4, she couldn't do it without her parents assistance, Calmriver. There are going to be times throughout a childs life (and into adulthood) when they're not allowed to do something - end of story. It doesn't do them any favours by bringing them up to expect justifications and lengthy explanations every time they get an answer they don't like.

Original poster
WigWamBam · 18/07/2005 19:48

Erm, Calmriver - she's 4, and four year olds have to be told "no" sometimes. And I have never forbidden anything just by saying no; we discuss things and there are always reasons why I say no.

In my opinion, my dd is too young, and will not be getting her ears pierced.

OP posts:
Ladymuck · 18/07/2005 19:52

I have 2 thoughts on this one WWB

I don't mean to wind you up, but why don't you want your dd to have her ears pierced. What do you mean by "she is too young"? Is there a chance that you are just giving her a "because I say so" answer, but actually you're not doing so in a straightforward way - ie she keeps questioning, because she can't see what your point is. SO just out of interest, what is your issue?

Secondly, I appreciate where you are coming from in the "I don't just want to say No" line, but how is she adapting to other approaches outside of home eg at school? I can't imagine that teachers have this conversation with say 4 yos who decide that they don't want to wear plimsolls for PE for example?

Original poster
WigWamBam · 18/07/2005 20:17

Ladymuck, I don't want her to have her ears pierced because, in my opinion, 4 is too young to make an informed decision on having her ears pierced. She doesn't understand how much it will hurt; she doesn't understand how to look after her ears; she doesn't understand the safety implications about wearing jewellery at school (when she starts). She's intelligent enough to reason with me on the level of a 4 year old, but not to make such decisions for herself - I have to make them for her based on what I know.

I have not, and have never, given my dd a "because I say so" answer. We discuss things and there is always a valid reason for a "no" - to me, that is important, which is why we discuss things in this way. This has backfired on me in this instance, because I have obviously taught her to discuss things too well!

With regard to your comment about how she reacts to being told "no" elsewhere, this is the only time I have ever had a problem with her not taking "no" for an answer. If the rules are that she wears plimsolls, then she wears plimsolls. She's a well-behaved child who generally does as she is asked and likes things to be done properly; she has just got a bee in her bonnet about this. It's the first real incidence of "peer pressure" that I have had to deal with, and although I have told her "no" and explained the reasons why, she doesn't yet understand that there is one rule for one person, and one for another. Her friend has been allowed to have her ears pierced, and she can't see why she shouldn't either, despite the fact that I have told her "no".

OP posts:
bensmum3 · 18/07/2005 21:07

I told my dd at age 5 she would be old enough to decide to have her ears pierced at 14, and it seems to have worked, despite her cousin having her's pierced at 8. dd wears magnetic earings which seem to keep her happy at the moment (she's now 10).

Ladymuck · 18/07/2005 21:17

But the crux of the issue is that it is the mummys (in this instance) who make the decision, and you and J's mummy have made different decisions, just like you chose different names for your dds, drive different cars etc. So in effect you are coming back to a "because I say so" or more precisely "because I have decided for you, because you are unable to assess all the implications".

Are there any choices made by J's mummy that your dd wouldn't like? Never allowing sweets or something? Perhaps you can compare parenting approaches that differ in both directions.

calcium · 18/07/2005 22:00

No quite honestly I think it looks hideous on children. I had my ears pierced when I was 15 and that was behind my parents back, I now never wear earrings. I have 5 holes in one ear and one in the other not that I regret it but just was a bit of a rebel as a teenager and got a kick out of it. I think around 13 / 14 is an acceptable age but would say no before then. How can a 4 year old care about earrings and having their ears pierced?