Do Muffins Fulfill? A question for SAHMs-whose-children-are-out-of-the-home

[morningpaper]

Dear SAHMs-whose-children-are-out-of-the-home; (including nusery education - I have some friends whose 2-3 yos are now starting nursery from 9-3):

I would be very interested to know what you do during your time at home and how that leads to you living a life that you feel is fulfilling.

(Words kindly provided by Soapbox! )

This is quite a serious question, which I don't think has been answered. I am genuinely interested in your thoughts on this, as this is an option that lots of you have chosen, which is surprising to me in the light of the recent thread about how unfulfilling many people found staying at home.

(Suggestions for re-wording of the question will be given due consideration and I reserve the right to apologise at a later time if I find I have worded this offensively.)

(If you think this is none of my business to ask, then please move back to the cheese thread, rather than posting "It's none of your business!" which is obviously the case, but I am still genuinely curious.)

most indignant not more.

MorningPaper - I did read that post, but I'm still interested to know, do you need to work for financial reasons.

would you be financially secure if you got divorced? do you have a pension of your own.

how old are you and how many years have you been working.

how old is your child?

sorry if this seems personal, but I think that if I was a younger mum I would have a different view of things - I might want to keep my career going so that I could go F/T after the kids were grown up, I might neeed the money, I might not have a pension etc etc

Coppertop - I made that point several times yesterday on the other thread - was going to put it in again, but thought people might think my record had stuck

soapbox - I think what stage of your life you are at colours your perspective - hence me explaining why I didn't want to work - I'm not young and hungry for career success - been there done that.

Lima, I am an older mum too (43 next week!), but both DH and I have flitted between employment & self-employment in pretty insecure professions and not had the luck or judgment to work in companies where we could enjoy the benefits you have. I'm not quite sure looking back whether I would do the same again. From where I'm sitting now job security, a good pension etc seem incredibly attractive. Still try telling me that when I was in my 20's!

I would love time and wherewithal to go to the gym regularly (my body certainly needs it!) and perhaps if I really could do everything I wanted without working, then perhaps I wouldn't. But then I would feel guilty that dh was slogging away whilst I was effectively being a kept woman... nah. think I would have to do something.

Me too Lima - but I only managed 6 months at home spending my redundancy package before I thought I would go mad if I didn't go back to work!

I often wonder whether I just missed the point of being at home and whether if I'd done things differently I could have made it work.

I do really enjoy work, and I would certainly be looked at by others as being highly successful in my field - so its not about wanting to pursue a career for career's sake at all.

And TBH - whatever successes I clock up at work are pretty meaningless - the ones that I clock up at home are far more important to me

lima - think that's a good point about your stage in life. I worked for 18 years, then got a degree and am now a SAHM. I'm finding it a refreshing change.

Question for lonelymum - why do you assume that working in paid employment means you see yourselves in terms of your job and not your parental status? Saying "I'm an accountant" to someone who asks what you do is not tantamount to denying your parenthood, is it? Plus saying "I'm a parent" doesn't really give the questioner much of a steer in the conversation. I would be quite interested to find out about people's paid jobs, with a view to whether I could either a)pitch for their business or b) in the case of accountants, whether they could help me with mine!

Lima wrote: "do you need to work for financial reasons."

Yes - particularly as DH and I are both largely responsible for our mothers, who are both divorced. We are having an extension built so that we can take them in if necessary.

would you be financially secure if you got
divorced?

No - I am already divorced and with my first divorce (not that I want a collection of them!) I did very badly out of it because I basically wanted to get out as quickly and easily as possible. I don't begrudge my ex-husband anything, however, but it has made me aware of the possibility of things not working the way one expects.

DP and I are not married. The house is jointly owned. If we split up, I would largely be depending on his generosity re. share of his pension, as would most unmarried women.

I am named beneficiary on his pension and we are heavily insured so that if he gets run over by a bus, I will of course be minted.

do you have a pension of your own.

I have a small stakeholder pension (official self-employed).

how old are you and how many years have you been working.

30 and working for 9 years. All debts including student debt paid off by previous house sale.

how old is your child?

2.5

I definitely want a career to go back to as it were, so keeping my finger in (hmm) is crucial to me. I also can't imagine ever WANTING to give up work (retiring). I enjoy working a great deal.

As I said, my father divorced my mother was she was 55 (after cashing in the pension) so I am also very conscious that not having had a career of paid work can leave you in poverty in this situation.

thanks MP - I think I can see why we have very different perspectives on SAHM.

BTW when my ds1 was 2.5 I was working full-time - and my dh was working abroad - I would have gone bonkers at home all day and night with a 2.5 yr old.

lonley mum..I'm not sure I agree with you. I think a lot of people work because they love their jobs,not just for the money. My dh is like this-he's had one day off sick in the 16 years I know him. Similarly,the job for which I spent 5 years training is one that I really loved/love. I plan to spend some of my sah time to train further in my field for when I eventually return.

Without giving too much away,it is/was a therapeutic job within the NHS and I really did feel that I was making a difference.

Soapbox, I think you have to work at being at home IYKWIM.

After ds was born, I was literally climbing the walls through boredom and went back to work after 6 months. After dd1, I went back again, but the disadvantages were starting to creep in, even though I loved my job. I gave up after 6 months back and then had dd2 who is now 2.

The thought of going back into an office all day every day now fills me with horror which I never ever thought I'd say, but I would like to supplement my very educational and stimulating Radio 4 listening and part time studying with some paid work (probably accounts) and unpaid work (reading in school/visiting lonely old people) once dd2 is in nursery.

The conclusions I've reached after reading through all these threads is that everyone is different, with different priorities and different family set-ups. There is no right and wrong way to do things, just what works best for you and yours.

lima,I did a f/t job for three years when dh was away,otherwise I would probably have gone bonkers.

Lonelymum - I don't really need the money I get from working but I still want to work

In reality my working is building up a rather nice inheritance for the children.

Although I do have plans for a great deal of travelling once the children are grown up and I retire

Wordsmith, I don't think that people in paid employment see themselves in terms of the job they do and not as parents. I didn't mean that. What I was trying to say was that society seems to see us that way. When I first meet someone, I am still always asked what I do, ie what my paid employment is, even though I haven't worked (apart from a brief return) for nine years. I still feel the need to say "I am a teacher/I was a teacher/ I used to be a teacher..." something, anything, because saying "I am a SAHM" just doesn't satisfy the needs of the questioner (it seems). Most people are defined by their chosen occupation, like it or not.

Also, I have a strong sense of the biological reason we are on this planet (oh dear controversy arising here, please note I said the biological reason we are here and did not imply that anyone who does not have children does not have a right to exist!!) Anyway, biologically, we are here to have children and continue the species, and when I lie on my death bed, I should think my dying thoughts will be of my children and grandchildren, not what I achieved in my work. It makes me feel sad to see people who are both employed and parents (eg my dh) seeing theri lives primarily in terms of their jobs rather than their parental responsibilities. That's all.

Not sure I explained any of this clearly - too long without intellectual stimulation, perhaps!

Soapbox, so you are working to provide your children with a nice inheritance. That is fine by me, but it does not imply you are working for the pure pleasure of it.

Moondog, you were a masseuse! (Don't know how to spell it!) Aha I have discovered your secret!

...sex therapist actually lm!

And I am thrilled that many people work for the pleasure of it. So you would continue even if tomorrow you found out you would never get paid another penny for doing it? That's great.

Personally, I would rather join DC and bum around the beautiful beaches of Queensland (dh's home).

Yes wordsmith, re the gym, for me its a necessity not a luxury. At my age I really need to do regular exercise to have the energy to keep up with being a rather ancient mother of an 8 year old.
If you'd told me you were 30 before mp I'd have realised why you're so full of beans and still want to conquer the world

masseuse, sex therapist, is there a difference?

That is a JOKE everyone!

But, I'm sure there is a part of you lm, that likes saying you were/are a teacher,because like it or not,it is also a concise way of saying 'Yes I have a brain and a degree.') (Not however, that the latter counts for much these days when Masters degrees in colour coordinated friendship bracelets are available...)

God no! I wouldn't not continue if I wasn't paid for it (even though it feels like I am effectively doing that at the moment being self employed.) Why does it have to be all or nothing. I would imagine that those of us who enjoy our work do it 50% for the money and 50% for the pleasure. Part of the pleasure is being rewarded for our efforts with the folding green stuff. Part of the didpleasure of SAHM-dom for me would be not being rewarded!

displeasure I mean.

Lonelymum - I have a friend who won the lottery a few years ago - she is only in her 20s, but both her and her dh gave up their jobs and devoted their time to having a family.

I for one don't think many people would work if they really didn't need the money

This of course exclued the Richard Bransons and Philip Greens of this world