Do Muffins Fulfill? A question for SAHMs-whose-children-are-out-of-the-home

[morningpaper]

Dear SAHMs-whose-children-are-out-of-the-home; (including nusery education - I have some friends whose 2-3 yos are now starting nursery from 9-3):

I would be very interested to know what you do during your time at home and how that leads to you living a life that you feel is fulfilling.

(Words kindly provided by Soapbox! )

This is quite a serious question, which I don't think has been answered. I am genuinely interested in your thoughts on this, as this is an option that lots of you have chosen, which is surprising to me in the light of the recent thread about how unfulfilling many people found staying at home.

(Suggestions for re-wording of the question will be given due consideration and I reserve the right to apologise at a later time if I find I have worded this offensively.)

(If you think this is none of my business to ask, then please move back to the cheese thread, rather than posting "It's none of your business!" which is obviously the case, but I am still genuinely curious.)

[Flum]

I'm an accountant and it sucks the life blood from my very soul. There are people here who say they like it and I just think they are playing Emperors new clothes' waiting to see who will crack first.

[snafu]

No, because he'll have the money to go around the world before he dies, mp!

[DaddyCool]

well yes morningpaper, but what choice do i have?

i have one other choice. sell up and move somewhere sunny where none of us have to work. i'm working on acheiving that.

[Nome]

ds (28months) goes to nursery one day a week. I am supposed to use this day to 'be' pregnant, ie see m/w without ds making my blood pressure rise and to do 'me' stuff that I don't get a chance to otherwise like making stained glass windows, reading, pottering in the garden etc. If I feel like it, I do things like clean windows that are difficult do with a toddler. If I don't feel like it, then the dirty windows will still be there the following week.

dh is one of those lucky people who goes off to work smiling and comes home smiling. I used to go off to work smiling and three days out of five would come home wanting to smash plates. He realises how lucky he is and I realise how lucky I am that he makes enough doing something he loves to allow me to stay at home with ds. I could have gone back to work, I'm a teacher, but although usually fulfilling, most of it wasn't terribly mind-expanding - certainly no more so than being at home watching ds develop.

I make sure dh gets at least one evening out a week and I use that time to do some of my share of the household chores. dh likes me to have a child-free day - it makes me nicer to be with. In the future, I want to volunteer at ds school, maybe do some supply teaching, I'd like to do post-grad. I don't think I'll look back and say I should have spent more time going to meetings.

And what a shame that tsktsk felt she had to drag this discussion dowm.

[DaddyCool]

just re-read your last post mp. yes! it is a waste! that's my point exactly! it's a damn shame but if you don't like working, you don't like working.

[DaddyCool]

i've already gone around the world snafu .. i made sure to do all that stuff young before i dragged my sorry ass into a life of dreary office work.

[snafu]

Ah, but you might have missed some bits, DC. It's quite a big place

[morningpaper]

Daddycool: nah you are just plain LAZY mate

[DaddyCool]

yes. very true . i shall do it again then (hopefully)

[LottieG]

MP - I am fascinated by this thread, as I am a SAHM working very hard to become a WAHM, because I feel I have talents that I want to use amd frankly, my muffin baking leaves a lot to be desired!

HOWEVER, I do have to comment on one thing you said, asking whether my dh resents the time I have "to myself". Ha ha!! He has far more time to himself than me because when I have time to myself I am rushing around getting chores done or working or perhaps relaxing, yes, but constantly waiting for dd to wake up or for her to come crawling in.

When he has time to himself doing whatever he wants he never has to worry about the baby unless he is specifically looking after the baby, whereas a sahm (or any mum) is looking after the baby no matter what else she is doing.

Also, to Tsktsk: is it more important that I am doing something to help "other people" or that I am with my own dd??

Lottie

[DaddyCool]

yes mp . i am. but what's wrong with that?

[GeorginaA]

mp: discussing it doesn't make me angry. Having it implied that I am selfish or lazy because of the choices we have made as a family does make me cross though. I also dislike the way feminism seems to have meant that EVERY woman is in the wrong regardless of what she does [insert rolling eyes emoticon here] - and yes, this is mainly in the media but also in the attitudes of how women refer to other women. Maybe now men don't keep us "in our place" any more, but we have taken over that role for each other instead. Very sad

[wordsmith]

In response to MP's original question - no, muffins do not fulfil me, although I am perfectly willing to recognise that they fulfil some women! However, I think a lot of the posters here should just thank their lucky stars that they are in a position to be able to afford to give up paid employment and be a housewife, the majority of them having a husband or partner who earns the money to facilitiate that lifestyle. Lucky you - it's not what I want, but I do envy the choice to a certain extent. Personally I like the flexibility of working part-time, but realise it would be easier if I didn't have to worry about earning money and could just leave that side of things to my husband. Unfortunately he's starting up a business and not really earning much either!

I don't think I could stay at home and keep house once the kids are both at school. It would feel like a waste of my education and years of experience, tbh.

[wordsmith]

Oh no I've gone and done it again and killed the thread....

[DaddyCool]

i hope you haven't words! i was enjoying that thread! you're right by the way, it's nice to have the choice. it's also a nice feeling to be able to provide for your family.

[Janna]

I have 1 ds of five and a dd who is 2. I work part time at the weekends but I stay at home during the week. My ds is in school and my dd goes to playgroup plus homestart four times a week. I enjoy being home during the week. I grew up with both parents working full time, my mum went back to work full time when I was 2 and left me in the care of childminders up to the age of 9 when I became a 'latchkey kid'. She had quite a highpowered job, was ALWAYS tired, never had time for me or my two brothers who were taken into care at aged 5, spent most of her time screaming at shouting because she was so stressed and did nothing with her free time at weekends, just slept or read, virtually ignoring us all because she wanted her own time to herself.
I swore to myself I would never be like that. Yes I'm university educated. I have a degree in English literature (although you probably couldn't tell by my crap wording). I stack shelves in a supermarket for a living and many would say I've wasted my education. But I don't think I have. I did my degree for myself, because I wanted to, because for me in some ways it has broadened my mind
I've worked and paid taxes since I've left uni so I think I've paid back what I owe for my education. When my dd goes to school I have no intention of working in the week until they are both much much older. In fact for the first couple of months I intend to do bugger all, I think I deserve it as i'm bringing up my kids alone with not much help. After that I shall find fufillment by doing arts and crafts, maybe walking, watching telly, drinking coffee all day if I want.
Why are people defined by the career they've got or the jobs they do. Surely what you make of life in a personal sense is what matters the most. As long as we are happy.

[assumedname]

morningpaper - my dh currently works 10 days abroad and is at home 4 days. He doesn't begrudge me the time to myself or tell me how to spend it. When he's home we'll frequently 'waste' 2 days just in bed, pottering, going for a meal at lunchtime and generally enjoying ourselves while the kids are at school.

He earns 5 times what I can and the only type of job I could realistically get would be a mornings only admin job which would pay peanuts.

I think DaddyCool's got the right end of the stick - why work if you don't need to? What a waste of time (imho!).

[wordsmith]

Assumedname - what you and DC seem to be missing is that some of us actually enjoy working and get a lot of fulfilment from it, it's not purely an economic decision.

[lima]

MorningPaper I posted several times on the other thread explaining my situation, which I don't believe is typical and my perspective on being a SAHM, but I would be interested to know more about your situation and understand your perspective on things.

key factors for me:

I worked in a well paid career for 20 yrs before becoming SAHM - I've 'done my time'

I received a nice redundancy package which enabled me to pay off my mortgage and leave a financial cushion in the bank

My dh has a demanding, well paid job which can entail him staying away from home, so he is never able to commit to doing the school run etc. it is not the sort of job which lend itself to shorter hours or flexible working.

I have a good pension from my job which will pay out in a few years time (I'm mid 40s and it will pay out when I'm 50)

I have a 3 yr old who will go to school in Sept 2006, currently he goes to nursery 3 days a week and I look after him the other 2

Weekends are strictly for fun - domestic chores are taken care of during the week - dh likes this as he doesn't have to do chores and gets time to go to the gym or whatever he wants to do.

So I don't need to work for financial reasons and the 15 hours a week that I have to myself gives me time to take care of the domestic crap and do whatever else I so choose.

Why would I want to work - where's my incentive?

please tell me about your situation

[wordsmith]

Lima - what a fantastic position to be in. Lucky you.

[morningpaper]

Lima: See my post of 11.12 below...

[lima]

thanks wordsmith - I do think I'm lucky in many ways - but the downside to being an older mum is that I might not be around to see my grandchildren

[soapbox]

Lima - I don't think MP was looking so much at 'what position you are in' but more given this is the siutation you are in how do you make life fulfulling.

I couldn't give a monkeys whether people want to work or not, but I would like to get an insight into how people fill their time when they choose not to work.

It is of course none of my business really - but I do often wonder what I'm missing out on by being at work

As such I think that the way the discussion has focused on working or not working is missing the point really. Work is but one way of filling the day, what other ways are there????

[coppertop]

Not everyone has a choice about staying at home - not that I should have to justify it anyway. Perhaps those of you who are envious of me being at home would like to get on the phone for me and arrange childcare (including after-school care for ds1) for 2 autistic boys?

I'll just get back to my muffin-baking while you ring around, shall I?

[Lonelymum]

I have had this "does your work give you any pleasure" discussion with my mother many moons ago. I said, "Who would work if we didn't need to to earn money?" and my mother was more indignant and said she would, she loved her job, she would do it without any money...." I felt awful at the time, wondering if I was really such a shallow person that I only worked for the money, but the fact is, practically everyone does work for the money.

And I loathe to think that people see themselves in terms of their jobs, eg "I am an accountant" (no offence DC). If you are a parent, you are automatically something far more important than whatever your job title describes you as, even if you are PM. It riles me from time to time to see my dh wrapped up in his work and failing to savour his far more important role as a father.