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Original poster

Abortion I need help urgent with your stories etc of regret

38 replies

babyalfie · 19/05/2009 12:41

Hi there this is very lengthly but my daughter is 16 and pregnant. She is very mature and an a star student who hope to do her albvles in september.

She told me 10 days ago and her bofreind of 18 was standing by her. They have had councelling after counselling and my daughter has always been 100% she wants to keep the baby. I am a stay at home mum with baby of my own and i can take na extra year off my careeer break if neede to look after and care for my grandchild alongside the baby I have. The housing situtaion is good as we have big house etc and it would have love etc. i want ehr to live a normallife as she can. She loves babies and knows from having two little brothers how hard they are. she is very very mature and she has booked in with the midwife etc as she is 14 weeks now.

However things over the weknd have turned bad. Her boyfreind has decided to tell his parents( live seperate) and tey wanted ameeting- he has told them he is too young and does not want it. The father has also rung my ex husband and told him when i was goin to tell him today anyway as my eldest daughter has gone away and thought would do while quiet etc.. he is threatening her as is the mother that abortion is the only option and that she is far too young etc and it cannot work. He has also told his son it will tie him down and he will have to pay for the baby and have the csa around his neck for 18 years... it is terrible.

I have not encouraged her either way byt she has to make her decsion and i need you to help me if there is anybody that has gone through this etc and if tey have made the correct decision or the wrong decision and regret. She is 14 weeks and we have all been to scan and this morning she left the pic of it on her bed for me to see. I love her and all i wnat to do is protect her.

her father is also saying she is too young which i fully agree but i know this will kill her as for 2 yeears prior to this she has had an eating disorder and she is also diabetic and for the past 10 das her blood sugars have been amazing and she is not tempted by sweets or anything what so ever.

II feel for her and when she came home from walking last night(she said she had been on moors thinking ) she was going to have a termination but honestly I know this is not her and she wants the baby deep down and she will have all the help i can give her both finacially and mentally.

her elder sister is going to uni in september and even her when she found she said she should gte rid etc ruining her life but last night she burst into tears saying she is making the wrong decision for the wrong reason... please help me to help her although she is the only one to decide... i will get her to read these stories when she is home shortly.

thanks so much

OP posts:

mrsjammi · 19/05/2009 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jellybeans · 19/05/2009 14:05

I was in a simelar situation, teenager pregnant, boyfriend fine until his parents pressured him then he said he wanted to split and me to abort!! I went through 2 weeks of sheer agony trying to decide. I will always respect my parents for standing by me either way, they were fantastic. His mum was only thinking of herself as she hated her son leaving home etc etc. I booked an apt about abortion but then decided I wanted to keep my baby. I was terrified. The dad eventually stood up to his paremts (who had told him all the negatives of having a baby) and we got back together, still together now 13 years later. As long as you support your daughter she will be fine. Also, seeing my baby on the scan made things more real, not sure if she has had one. Good luck.

toodles · 19/05/2009 14:07

I think you should tell her to listen to her heart and not what others have to say.

If she really does want to keep the baby herself but feels pressured/bullied by others to have an abortion, then this could affect her for a very long time, if not forever. I have been told of someone who still hasn't come to terms with her abortion 20 years on.

Seeing the scan picture must make this decision even harder as now she has seen her baby.

I don't know what else to say except good luck to her.

jellybeans · 19/05/2009 14:08

Just to say also I have had a TOP as my baby had fatal defects and that was bad enough living with. I have heard it can be hard in later pregnancies. Regret can be immense. I knew I couldn't go through it unless there was something terrible.

Biscuits4Cheese · 19/05/2009 14:26

My termination is not something i will ever feel good about but i made my decision - when i had been going from one decision to another and back again - based on this: would it be worse to regret an abortion (in which case i suffer the consequences) or have the baby and regret it? That really gave me the clarity of mind to decide.

morningpaper · 19/05/2009 14:28

I don't think you DO have to be morally neutral actually, particularly if she is making a decision in order to keep her wretched boyfriend

I think it's fine to give your opinion when you feel so strongly that it will affect her health in the way you describe - as long as she knows that you will love her whatever she decides

Biscuits4Cheese · 19/05/2009 14:34

And just to add, as others have, the "no one ever regretted a baby" thing is just not true. Not at all. It's just not something we like to admit.

Heathcliffscathy · 19/05/2009 14:37

be a good parent and support her regardless of her decision.

the statement 'i honestly know this is not her' rings huge alarm bells for me tbh.

Heathcliffscathy · 19/05/2009 14:38

people regret both babies and terminations for the rest of their lives. others don't.

'no one ever regretted a baby' is a total fallacy.

treedelivery · 19/05/2009 14:44

Re: No one ever regretted having a baby.

Hmmmm. My mum loves me to bits. But did I change her life? Yes. Always for the better? No. Was she working 2 jobs when her mates were out dancing to buy me things? Yes.

She doesn't regret me, but maybe she would have had more fun and more of a youth and more experiences and oppurtunities had I not happened. And would I want all those things for my kids, when they are young and money worried involve new jeans not mortgages - yes.

I'm glad I did happen obviously, and she gets a great deal of pleasure from me and my dc's now. But it has been a long time coming for my ma.

Just my two penneth worth - there are many very happy parents from the begining to the end of the reproductive age range. I wish your dd well whatever her choice. And you too of course

FabulousBakerGirl · 19/05/2009 17:24

I'm fairly certain my mother regrets having me but she is an evil cow and this has no baring on this situation.

I am really worried she will be pushed into a termination by the father.

What is their relationship like generally?

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 19/05/2009 17:34

I think it's fair to say that a woman is likely to suffer regrets over an abortion if she was coaxed or bullied or pressured into having it.
But that's equally true of having a baby you don't want: women who have been prevented from aborting unwanted pregnancies might love their babies and be 'grateful' to whatever antichoice arsehole prevented their access to abortion, but a number of them will feel a lingering resentment of the baby they didn't want, and some might even be neglectful or even abusive parents to an unwanted child they were forced to have.

Thunderduck · 19/05/2009 20:37

I don't think telling her other people's stories of regret about their abortions is going to be helpful.
For a start they aren't her, their circumstances will always be slightly different, and there are plenty of women who have no regrets about their choice to terminate. Are you going to share their stories too?

Guilt tripping her is wrong,she needs to make a rational decision not an emotional one. Everyone should back off and agree to support her no matter what, though I know that may be very difficult for you.

It is entirely possible for her to decide that a termination is the right decision for her, having thought about it thoroughly. But the boyfriend needs to stop pressuring her too.
Of course the decision either way will impact him too but she's the one the decision will have the most impact on, and as she is carrying the baby then her decision carries far more weight than his.

I think counselling from a neutral source might be best for your dd.

And to the poster who said no one ever regretted having a child. What nonsense, there are plenty of women out there who regret having children.
There are so many abused and abandoned children out there, how can you say that women never regret having children?

Not that every woman out there who regrets having children will abuse their child, but I think that it does no favours to anyone to pretend that women don't ever feel that way.

They should be free to discuss their feelings without being made to feel ashamed of it. A great deal of harm is caused because women feel unable to do so imho.

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