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Original poster

Is it acceptable to say that lactating mothers can't attend a wedding reception?

124 replies

minitrip · 01/05/2009 16:24

I've been invited to a wedding in June, and my baby will be about 4 weeks old. We've been told that I am welcome to bring her to the wedding, but not the posh reception. As I hardly know the couple getting married (uni friend of my husband) going to the wedding is a bit irrelevant if I can't meet anyone afterwards.

I do have a tiny bit of sympathy for people who won't have toddlers/children at their weddings (although I invited kids to mine - I think they make it a happier occasion), but I thought it was a bit harsh to exclude breastfeeding babies (and their mothers)...

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 01/05/2009 19:34

Idrank, all that tells us is that you are happy to be selfish.

YorkshireRose · 01/05/2009 19:41

I think they are BU - why are they happy to have baby at service, when any crying would be a problem, but not at the reception, when a bit of crying will be masked by the general level of chatter, etc? New born baby will not be annoying anyone by running around knocking things over!

If they are adamant just don't go at all - and i hope your DH will turn the invite down too, he would BU to leave you behind.

northender · 01/05/2009 19:45

There were no babies or children at our wedding as there were none to invite. I felt quite sad at the time as I think having different generations of friends and family is a great thing about weddings. Weddings have indeed, in general, changed a lot since we got hitched (only 13 years ago).

pearlsbeforeswine · 01/05/2009 19:47

"I've been to a wedding where all breastfeeding babies were welcome"

I assume you mean all babies were welcome, it would be quite harsh to say no bottle fed babies allowed.

flowerybeanbag · 01/05/2009 19:50

I have to say in your position I don't think I would be accepting an invitation to the wedding of people I barely know to take place 4 weeks after I was due to give birth. It's highly probable you'll end up having to let them down anyway - if your baby is two weeks late he/she will only be two weeks old, you could have a difficult birth or a c-section to recover from, or any number of scenarios. The last thing I would have wanted to do at 4 weeks post-birth would be to spend hours at a wedding of someone I hardly knew.

Idranktheeasterspirits · 01/05/2009 19:53

greensleeves - do you have ishoos with me? I couldn't give a flying fuck whether or not you think i am selfish for not being more bothered about why we are choosing to get married rather than who is there and what their preferences are.

I hardly think making personal remarks to me about mine and my partners choices is going to make any difference to that.
Still, if you are bored feel free to carry on.

oxocube · 01/05/2009 19:54

Look, at my own wedding we had kids, babies, distant relations of my parents who I hadn't seen for years and wouldn't have invited had it been left entirely up to me, but that was MY wedding. In my very honest opinion, if a couple want to say no kids, no babies or whatever, then its up to them. I wouldn't go in the OP position as I wouldn't feel welcome. Yes, I think its an odd way to get married, to embark on a life together but I really think you have to respect the opinions of the couple and go with the flow.

In this case, the OP hardly knows the couple so what is all the fuss about?

OrmIrian · 01/05/2009 19:54

Well when I had 4 week old babies I'd have been very uncomfortable and probably leaking all over the place without my baby. Had that problem just after I went back to work when DS~1 was 3m old - had to go to a meeting 4 hrs away, got stuck in traffic and I was in agony by the time we finally got home.

So excluding babies does exclude lactating mothers in many cases IMO.

OrmIrian · 01/05/2009 19:54

But then I'd just decline.

YorkshireRose · 01/05/2009 19:57

Just say no thanks. They are not bothered about you, why should you make any effort to be with them?

PuppyMonkey · 01/05/2009 20:01

Actually, old people can be quite annoying at weddings too can't they? If I ever get married I'm going to say: "No old and decrepid people. And no gingers."

Original poster
minitrip · 01/05/2009 20:05

What about in-laws? They can be quite annoying.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 01/05/2009 20:08

Well it sounds to me like it will be quite a miserable wedding so don't go. Send a very cheap gift as a thank you for their crappy invite.

RubyrubyrubyRodent · 01/05/2009 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
minitrip · 01/05/2009 20:15

I have already said no thanks (no other option really!).

DH has said yes - I've already said he can't go on a weekend work jolly (ahem, I mean conference...) 3 weeks after the due date, so I felt I had to make some a concession somewhere! But he's agreed to cancel the wedding if I need him to be around.

OP posts:
kalo12 · 01/05/2009 20:16

you won't feel like going anyway, i bet. much better to stay home gazing at your gorgeous little baby. and if you go to church your baby will upstage the bride anyhow. don't send a present though.

sobloodystupid · 01/05/2009 20:16

jaysus, don't go. You won't want to be there, even if you did express milk for baby in your absence you will still miss him/her, have sore boobs and bum, feel fat, weepy etc. My ds is 11 weeks and I have all the above
Incidentally,we had a no children policy at our wedding, and my very fecund family were happy to oblige... It was great to have no childish wailing, tired kids hanging around, parents desperately trying to placate them so they could have another drink or dance...

Flappythebat · 01/05/2009 20:17

Depends on if any other children have been invited.

We were invited to a family wedding, invite only mentioned myself, dh and dd1 (then aged 2), dd2 had only just arrived, so thought they had forgotten to put her on the invite.

Dh RSVP'd and included dd2's name.

We got a snippy letter back saying that dd2 wasn't invited as if she came there would be too many children at the wedding

We didn't go, dd2 was excl BF, no thought was given as to what I would do with her for a whole day.

Understand that it is a couple's prerogative as to whom they invite, but to invite a couple and their toddler and expect them to leave a breastfed, newborn baby with someone for a full day, one word - BRIDEZILLA

TheCrackFox · 01/05/2009 20:20

Bloody hell Flappy, that is a weird one.

SoupDragon · 01/05/2009 20:20

Seriously, you're far better off not going that soon after having a baby. It could only be 2 weeks old.

Meglet · 01/05/2009 20:26

I wouldn't go if I were you, it sounds more hassle than its worth.

I did manage to get to a wedding 1 mile from home 2 weeks after a planned cs with a bf baby + toddler. But I did tell the happy couple in advance we would only stay for the ceremony and drinks. I wouldn't have gone if I hadn't of known them for years. It still exhausted me though.

Greensleeves · 01/05/2009 20:36

I don't have personal issues with you Idrank, I haven't a clue who you are! I know nothing about you apart from what you've posted, which is what I've been responding too. I have strong feelings about children/families being excluded from social events, not about you. It's quite possible I will agree with you on another thread at some point

I suppose it is a personal remark to call you selfish - but the word selfish had already been used, by you among others - and I do think your choices are selfish!

Paolosgirl · 01/05/2009 20:45

Idrank - just a wee point - muirder is pronounced m'yoor-der. Murrrrder is what the late great man would have said. But I digress....

They are being ridiculous and childish in the extreme. Don't go, and then sit back, chortle to yourself and heave your bosom in the manner of Les Dawson when she finds herself breastfeeding in a few years time and unable to attend such occasions becuase of the next generation of pfb (precious first-time brides).

Flappythebat · 01/05/2009 20:50

At least it saved us having to buy a present for people we never see and me an outfit that I would probably only have worn for that occasion!

jellybeans · 01/05/2009 20:54

I wouldn't go. Makes me laugh when people say, just express a few bottles!' Not that easy for us all, I never had much luck pumping. I had a lovely wedding with children and I certainly considered my guests needs, yes it was 'our day' but we were not just 'me me me,' about it.