dh rant - what can i put in my preverbial shed?

[Tortington]

dh
what he does that gets on my nerves specifically

having a face like thunder then saying he hasnt
spent money we dont have
doing the above then moaning about it or more shouting about it at me then we end in a row
giving me the bankcard sat a time of the month when there is no sodding money in the accounts to spend after the money is gone on stupid things - not on him but stupid spending
being "overly" nice after i have had an **episode - its creepy - i expect nice but you have to experience this flesh crawling forced niceness to understand
lack of sex
feeling second place to everything else in his life for example - computers, music ,cd, downloading, websites,television.
taking the above point into consideration -
he has tried not to be so in my face about computers anymore but the face on him just drops when you say cant we go out and do something to look back on the day and say " i have done that today" rather than do nothing and download.

no humour - although not just him i realise its me too , its not a lot that we wet ourselves laughing at stuff and considering its the main f*cking reason i married him its a big thing to lose
he has a temper a big temper
he is angry at everything
doing anything with his kids is a chore
doing anything with me is a chore
the "eggshell" feeling - am sure he feels it with me more times than i care to admit - but he doesnt understand that this feeling with him comes with menace and fear - although i wouldnt admit it to him.
him saying bollox when i am saying how i am feeling
power - he has to have it - am always figting it - whether its in a job in family life in decision making in shoppoing
being in control of the shopping and deciding what we will eat and stomping off like a 3 yr old if he doesnt get his way
not letting me do the shopping
me having a fear of doing the shopping and spending too much or uyi the wrong thing - eggshell again -
cooking and using cooking as an excuse to do fuck all else becuase " i cooked tea - you do it" syndrome
the general feeling that he wants a family and a wife because his being tell him he loves us even if his actions do not prerpetuate that feeling in real life to us. but that to know we are thee would be enough as long as we didntbloody well get ingfront of "HIS" life - not OURS - definatley his. he would be like a pig in shit with the knowlege that his wife and family are in the house and he is in his shed which would be covered in downloaded cd's and have a stereo and a hi fi in place
aand digital telly
then he could pop in cook a meal - he has obviously done his housework duties by cooking the meal, burp, fart grap my tits or arse make some lewd comment and then eat and come to bed with me for a right good fuck before getting up early or maybe even straight after to go to his downloading shed to be happy once more.

having written this out i have realised he wants to be a 16 year old spotty geek in a black painted bedroom with mucky magazines - only this one isnt 16 and he also has a wife and kids to ignore - but has the comfort of knowing they will always be there - lucky him

what would my shed be?

** an episode is either me crying till my stomach hurts and tring to talk about all the issues a la oprah winfrey
or
screaming and arguing until the above happens
resulting in - a change in nothing

its been going on forever but really finding it hard to cope as i have moved a year ago and have no support network of family or friends.

hence the question

what can i put in my prevervial shed ( or my life) to make coping easier

thank you

Sorry Chinchilla, that sounded a bit abrupt. I just didn't want to sound patronising towards your situation. Are you happy? Or just getting on with it?

Hmm, just getting on with it. We laugh occasionally, when we are getting on. But those times are few and far between. We seem to be getting at each other more often than not, and have a lot of conversations that are just bickering.

Sometimes I wonder just how much more awful life would be without him, or even if it might be better. However, I am suffering from depression, and don't know how much that is affecting my views at the moment.

Isn't it easy to fall into the way of thinking that you're the only one with a partner who's crappy in almost every way? Well, this thread has reassured me that I'm not alone.

That walking on eggshells feeling? - tick
Manly pursuits (like pub-visiting & pissing about with manly stereo system?) - check
complete lack of consideration for anyone else? - yup
That total disconnection from emotional issues? all present and correct.

In my shed, I'd have riches beyond my wildest dreams, a log fire and an immense library.

This may be useful and apologies if it has been mentioned before. Try this.

Get two bank accounts. Get the wages paid into one and all your direct debits and monthly payments to go out of the other one. Each month move the exact amount you need to the second account to pay bills. You should not have a cheque book or cards for this account. Cut them up when they come and make sure the bank know.

This way you will know exactly what is left for spending and DH can't spend it if it's already gone. This method has really simplified our lives.

We bank with First Direct they are fantastic and really helpful, you can bank online or ring them anytime.

Hope this is helpful.

Does he know your name on Mumsnet? Why don't you show him the thread and say what a bastard this guy is!!!!!!!!!!!

Has he changed since you married him or did you see through the bad bits?

In our relationship the most important thing is respect. You don't slag each other off, in public or at home. Hurtful comments never go away.

Good luck

i think the thing that made me smile at the same time as smacking me in the face frying pan style is sobernows comment
i too know this is the best it is going to get.

as chinchilla
i too am suffering from depression - which means the whole bloody family are too - suffering that is.

to put things into context i always considered him soul mate stuff, i love the way he knows me - just knows me. he has good qualities, i suppose he is as good a dad as i am a mum - so am not going to elaborate on that further! we split all chores.
financially catch 22 and maybe those with depression will understand when i say, i cant stand any more bills, i dont want to see them, i know they are there but i am physically not able to deal with them. now hubby doesnt take advantage of this fact to go and buy himself brand new stuff, its just mismanagement. so he can go to the shop, buy a vid, choclate for the kids and himself some yoghurts, coke form him and orange for the kids and spend £7.oo.
i think thats mad.
but believe me girls when i say 14 years i have had of this mismanagement and i recognise my inaction means i am to blame also - i also know that it not worth the hassle to challenge, especially when i am having a shit shit week.

i dont know what to sya except i guess most of you have come to realise i am not behind the door when it comes to vocalising my views. well i do at home - we have more discussions than anything, we sort things out, we make lists of income and expenditure, he apologises for things as do i and we start again - however this happens far too often and nothing changes ( both our faults)

however his failings of which there are many!! have recently come to the fore becuase i feel particularly isolated - i can no longer pop mext door for a coffee to my friends, or go to visit my nan for a couple of hours ot go to my mums, i cant visit friends, i dont get gossip. so this means he is always centre of focus and i am seeing and picking up on things i would before have let ride. i am magnifying things that before i wouldnt be bothered about.

however i know without a shadow of a doubt - me myself and i would be fine on my own with three kids full time job and the bills. however i do love him, we have memories, hes not always bad but when he is he is a shit, and i am not the virgin mary either. but the kids adore him, run to him when they have trouble not me they see more of him than me. i work in the social housing sector and know how difficult it is to get a home - he wont leave i cant make him, am not going back up north as the kids future is guarenteed to be better here.

and i have told him in a "discussion" about the proverbial shed. he agrees i am right

so maybe am just pissed off that this is as good as it gets
..bummer!
thanks for listening tho

wow message of bloss longevity

sobernow, that's brilliant! I've been inches away from doing this but never quite dared.
DH surpassed himself the other night. After 4 years of letting my body get totally out of condition while I sacrificed myself to boy one then boy two, I am finally ready to get fit, as DH is about to stop working every night.
Do I join an expensive gym? No. I decide to get a bike and go out in the evenings (at least in summer) as soon as he can tear his arse away from work. Does he celebrate his good fotune in having a DW who is mindful of joint money? Does he . I find a bike for £25 in the paper and he pulls a face, saying, 'do you really think we should be spending any money at the moment.....'

POINT me in the direction of the snazziest gym ASAP.

BTW, over those 4 years, he has played badminton and gone running 3 nights a week on average.

custardo, you are my soulmate.

Actually, while I'm ranting, I feel like the lowest of the low through this treatment. He doesn't care if my body falls to pieces, and it is beginning to after years of no aerobic activity. I get scary symptoms of a head full of sand and a tight chest if I even chase DS round the sofa without warming up first. DH knows this but either doesn't believe me or hopes I keel over.

Custardo, I seem to remember reading somewhere that social isolation contributes to depression and that makes sense to me. I feel lonely atm too - hard isn't it? Sobernow, I'm impressed that you rang and gave him a hundred quid/ten minute warning - I'd have been sorely tempted to have a lovely luxurious hotel ridden night complete with a bottle of Bolly and smoked salmon on room service. He got off damn lightly if you ask me Droile, you could always get some exercise chasing him around the sofa with a rolling pin, ranting...

LOL www.
I wouldn't trust myself with a blunt instrument where Dh is concerned ATM, lol

sobernow, reading about your night off plan, I so admire you a) for carrying out a threat and b)knowing how far to go with it.