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feeling really lonely -can't seem to fit in on playgroup/play-date circuit, feel on constant rejection alert

81 replies

MissChief · 15/12/2008 21:15

sounds rather pathetic, I know, could do with pulling myself up by my b ootstraps and just getting on with life but ifeel lonely, isolated and unable to fit in where we live in any meaningful sense. Been here nearly 3 yrs but never somehow clicked and felt at home here even though i love it in theory - beautiful, lively small town, good community etc. i feel so unconfident with others, i can fake it to some extent and do the usaula asking lots of questions about others' dcs at playgroup etc, but i often feel people are backing off thinkging i[m a weirdo. I haen[t felt i can really be myself qith anyone here - the fun, relaxed, at peae with herself person. It doesn[t help that one of my dcs has moderate sn and has some problems at school with socialising (where does that come from?!), being bullied and he's not in with the "in crowd" and nor am I. I've also been battling depression and have confessed as much to a couple of mums whom \i now think i shouldn[t have trusted, one at least is a real gossip. I've not been invited back to her house since admitting to my problem even though sh[es been round here a few times. A shame for my youngest who loves her ds. Many people seem to have had their children here and have formed close NCT-based gorups which are impossible to break in on unless one is super-confident, got a trendy job/clever, confident "normal" child etc etc.
I'm fairly successful on paper -had good job until recently, dh does well, nice house, am not ugly nor fat but am retreating in on myself and not got the confidence to fight back. Am hving cbt, exercise, loads, good diet, done PTA etc.

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MissChief · 15/12/2008 21:22

just to add, Ireally feel I'e tried - invited mums round with/without kids, had drinks dos etc etc. Maybe seemed desperate?! I just ca[t seem to go beyond the superficial with anyone and therefore never get to know anyoone,s how my real, hopefully nicer self. know what i mean?

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wrinklytum · 15/12/2008 21:23

Oh Misschief,I dunno what to say apart from empathise.My second child has SN and I have found it quite isolating,as when I have taken her to playgroups etc I feel as if I need a big red cross painting on me sometimes

I am sure you are lovely and would invite you round if you were in my area

I guess the thing is to keep trying.

I have to say that my sn child attends a sn group and the mums are lovely,I guess we are all in the same boat

MissChief · 15/12/2008 21:25

thanks, wt, appreciate it. I will keep trying (dh forces me to anyway). it's the schoolage one with sn, only moderate but enough to put mothers/other kids off. But i think it['s *me8 too, at the playgroups with the younger dc.

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mrsruffallo · 15/12/2008 21:29

I find your comments about not being fat or ugly a little superficial. What has that got to do with being a good friend?

HassledElf · 15/12/2008 21:31

I have lots of sympathy. Maybe you're trying too hard? How about an experimental few months where you don't make more effort than is strictly necessary for the DCs' sake, and just get on with your own thing?

If you can learn to be happy with your own company then it will matter less, and you'll be more relaxed and will be more attractive to other people. And at the end of the day, these probably aren't people you're going to know in 30 years' time - maintain the good friends you do have, and concentrate on getting yourself sorted. Depression is a big enough thing to be dealing with without then piling on social expectations/pressures.

RiojaLover75 · 15/12/2008 21:36

Hiya . I feel like this a lot.

There is a group of Mums that I was involved with a lot last year and now out of the six of them there is only one I still have regular contact with. It used to bother me A LOT esp when I would send out a text/ e-mail offering to have averyone over with kids for play/ them over for a girly night at mine or going out for drinks and get very negative responses a lot of the time.

Don't know what I can do to make myself more appealing or to worry less about being rejected. It's at the stage now where I don't ask these people anymore because I hate feeling rejected. It's like being at school all over again .

MissChief · 15/12/2008 21:38

MrsR - oh god, i've had a glass of wine or 2 and it was an off-the-cuff remark! I jut feel that people judge, where \i am anyway -what you;'re wearing, what job you/dh do, where you live etc etc. I live in a home counties commuter-town, not the most downtoearht in the whole world. Just to clarify, I'm notsaying my friends have to be thin/attractive...
Hassledelf, yes, maybe you're right, 10/10 for effort, but should ease off a bit. it's just that dh gets so enthused and fails to notice when people back off/look less than enthusiastic about yet another drinks invite (and in some cases have yet to reciprocate). You're right, i need to focus on sorting myself out but isolation isn't helping the depression, hence my post \i guess.

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MissChief · 15/12/2008 21:40

Rioja - hi, yes, ikwym, feels like school all over again, thought those feelings had long passed. Sorry to hear you're in the same boat.

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Coldtits · 15/12/2008 21:42

I don't invite people back to mine when my house is shamefully grubby and untidy (often), when I am ashamed of the area I live in (often) or if they have such a nicer house and husband than mine (house- crap, husband - N/A) that they would pity me (not often but still).

This could be the reason for the lack of reciprocation.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 15/12/2008 21:43

Sorry you feel this way- sometimes it can take time to meet like-minded people (or even just one like-minded person!) I saw it a bit like dating - you won't click with everyone- noone's fault, so move on.

I think everyone feels a bit of a prat trying to get into social circles that are already set- I know I do! I can't see why your admitting to depression would put anyone off- it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, in fact, I would think you were brave to talk about it and to be out and about trying not let it beat you.

Have you looked around to see if there are any other "outcasts"? Believe it or not, you won't be the only one who feels they are out of the in-crowd, so seek out the others and get to know them. Sometimes it's easier trying to get to know people on a one-to-one basis than trying to join in with an already-established group. Good luck

MissChief · 15/12/2008 21:44

but all around me i see mums arranging playdates, coffees etc so they are visiting each other. Where i used to live, i fell on my feet and hung out with a lvoely group of women, possibly bit of a clique looking back, no problem, but here can't break in.

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RiojaLover75 · 15/12/2008 21:46

Where are you MissChef?

MissChief · 15/12/2008 21:48

yes, jooly, you're right. I should seek out fellow missfits! (should change my name?!). I was indeed trying to be brave, be out re depression but feel now i've shot myself in the foot as i'm sure word has got out and that people are avoiding me somewhat becuase of it. Makes me fume when i think about it, bloody reactionary bigots!

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MissChief · 15/12/2008 21:49

don't really want to specify other than home counties- should have namechanged as think i've already been "recognised" on here. thanks for asking though, rioja

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RiojaLover75 · 15/12/2008 21:50

I'm so sorry , I mean MissChief!

RiojaLover75 · 15/12/2008 21:51

Ah well if you're in Surrey you can CAT me if you like.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 15/12/2008 21:52

Aww- I don't mean to imply you are a misfit!! Actually, I was always a misfit, and liked it that way- the misfits are usually more interesting than the group of clones

MissChief · 15/12/2008 21:55

thanks, rioja, shame, i'm not though.
I agree, misfits most interesting though i wonder why i write others off as being cloned when perhaps \i'm just jealous that i'm not also part of the in-crowd? I just don't seem to have the right chit-chat on the tip of my tongue, have sufficient air of mystery whatever. it's true, it is like dating, and i'm currently not pulling!

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mrsruffallo · 15/12/2008 21:57

I think you need to take a break from drinks parties and trying to fit in with these cliques.
Concentrate on yourself for now and having fun with your dc.
You've already made the mistake of confiding in the wrong people- learn to be happy alone for now
Once you are relaxed and have your confidence back you will find you will attract more friends anyway.
Give yourself some time, go to lots of different activities and enjoy yourself.

MissChief · 15/12/2008 22:02

you#'re probably right but problem is i feel so lonely and dh is constantly badgering me to make an effort (and oblivious to cliques, swears I'm imagining it all). i should focus on us only but i need to be around people more, for all our sakes.

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ninah · 15/12/2008 22:04

totally agree with MrsR - cliques, too stressful, who needs them. When you're feeling the way you do now it feels as if everyone is in them, but they're not. Chill for a bit, be happy - and don't let dh badger you, it's your social life!

Coldtits · 15/12/2008 22:07

You're not imging cliques, men just don't have them.

Join a sure start toddler group.

mrsruffallo · 15/12/2008 22:08

But the people you have been around are cold shouldering you and getting you down!
Just take a break, give yourself a holiday from unsuccessful networking
Surely if DH is so concerned he can invite over friends from work?

MissChief · 15/12/2008 22:09

it's very smalltown here, there's practically only 1 playgroup as it is. Doens't seem worth slogging elsewhere to one, nearest city or wherever when my youngest will be at school here.

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MissChief · 15/12/2008 22:11

i know, i know..maybe i've got rejection issues, blah, blah, Maybe i'm half-hoping they're not really cold-shouldering me or will suddenly stop doing so. not likely, is it? But hell, why do people cold-shoulder others? It's so unnecessarily hurtful and something i've never intentionally done

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