feeling really lonely -can't seem to fit in on playgroup/play-date circuit, feel on constant rejection alert

[MissChief]

sounds rather pathetic, I know, could do with pulling myself up by my b ootstraps and just getting on with life but ifeel lonely, isolated and unable to fit in where we live in any meaningful sense. Been here nearly 3 yrs but never somehow clicked and felt at home here even though i love it in theory - beautiful, lively small town, good community etc. i feel so unconfident with others, i can fake it to some extent and do the usaula asking lots of questions about others' dcs at playgroup etc, but i often feel people are backing off thinkging i[m a weirdo. I haen[t felt i can really be myself qith anyone here - the fun, relaxed, at peae with herself person. It doesn[t help that one of my dcs has moderate sn and has some problems at school with socialising (where does that come from?!), being bullied and he's not in with the "in crowd" and nor am I. I've also been battling depression and have confessed as much to a couple of mums whom \i now think i shouldn[t have trusted, one at least is a real gossip. I've not been invited back to her house since admitting to my problem even though sh[es been round here a few times. A shame for my youngest who loves her ds. Many people seem to have had their children here and have formed close NCT-based gorups which are impossible to break in on unless one is super-confident, got a trendy job/clever, confident "normal" child etc etc.
I'm fairly successful on paper -had good job until recently, dh does well, nice house, am not ugly nor fat but am retreating in on myself and not got the confidence to fight back. Am hving cbt, exercise, loads, good diet, done PTA etc.

Oh, I don't know, darling.

I think there are alot of women out there who aren't worth knowing. Don't try so hard.

The people you need in your life will find you, providing you keep positive. Don't fall down the competitive mum tunnel. It's full of freaks with blonde bobs and perfect driving records.

You will raise children with more character if you can only define your own.

You're a long time dead. Don't give a shit about the little people, eh?

Wise words Desi.
How lovely to see you back!

thanks, all very true i'm sure but I'm rather lacking in the character department of late. [self-indulgent emotion]...
When i'm feeling more confident, i agree with you.

MrsRuff

How lovely to see you!!

MissChief .. honestly, there's nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong with the people who ignore you, however.

You raise your kids with better manners, and in ten years time, you'll be laughing.

If you lived in my village, you'd be down my gaff every day, mate!

I've spent years wondering about the cold-shouldering thing.

I think a lot of women don't really mature socially beyond the playground - not wanting to be seen talking to anyone who isn't 'in.'

By the same token, I haven't changed since the playground - can't do small-talk, not the prettiest or the most out-going, so those types are never going to come near.

I don't want to depress you further, I just think you might relax a little if you realised the cliques aren't worth getting in to.

This doesn't cure the day-to-day loneliness, however - Desiderata is right about feeling positive.

thanks, but i think you'd find me rather pathetic company in my present state. it is comoforting to think that they are the ones with the problme but i'm outnumbered here and that makes me think it must be me, know what i mean? funnily enough, the couple of people or so i've found who could be true friends are not in my daily orbit of schoolrun/playgrp etc, i just don't seem to be good at being intimate with people in those circs for some reason. not the msot maternal of people and not so keen necessariy on others' kids, with a few exceptions.

katch, interesting what you say as i feel i'm regressing by the minute living here, no longer working. To think i'd upped and left to live overseas for years and though of course cliques are everywhere, to some exent i'd broken free of all this, not now though.

Just a thought (and it might be a bit too much) but could you put yourself forward for some sort of role at playgroup etc (eg fundraising/ coffee monitor that sort of thing)? That way you would have a legitimate reason for being there, whether people are speaking to you or not, and people might then come and talk to you in your new-found capacity, and get to know you gradually without it feeling forced?

yes, might be good. though not sure whether any roles free and LO goes to school in sept. worht exploring though.

Much sympathy, have been there myself - as others have pointed out, people pick up on needy vibes and ignore you more.

I always warm to people who confide that they feel like a misfit. But the hard truth is: OTHER PEOPLE DON'T. They feel reassured by stories of social success, but can usually tell when these are faked.

You've had some good advice here. Sometimes you build up those social networks best in the place you least expect it. Have you joined your local Freecycle, for instance? Random acts of giving and receiving slowly and subtly build up links. A year after you gave something away, you'll find that person greeting you in the street... then you find they're going to the same school....much more natural.

Hi Misschief - I seem to remember a thread a while ago now where we were discussing the virtues of moving to a new area - Surrey direction. Did you do that and therefore have you ended up living somewhere near me do you think? As if that's the case - I've got lots of contacts, places to go, people to meet etc. None cliquey or judgemental....

thanks, HBA, gosh, good memory! In the end we moved the other side of London, but I remember all your v helpful advice, shame I can't take you up on it now! I think in retrospect, I may have been more at home in that sort of area rather than in the sticks where I am now.
I'm going to keep my head down for a while, hang out over christmas with family and catch up with proper friends with whom i can be myself (unfortunately all fairly far away).

thanks, won't ignore, will try out a couple of those. just finding the time though and justifying it - only seems worth joining the local cliques rather than ones in surrounding places, ifyswim? Maybe too narrow a view though.

thanks, won't ignore, will try out a couple of those. just finding the time though and justifying it - only seems worth joining the local cliques rather than ones in surrounding places, ifyswim? Maybe too narrow a view though.

Great advice posted so far.

MissChief,the thing is you wont break into a clique. I met a bunch of girls last Summer and thought finally I'll have some nice mums, but no, those fuk*ing NCT cliques!!!! They are impermaeable. I did listen to all the groups they attended and went to a few of those where I have met a really nice mum who I see once a week and then I actively pursued another who was just my kind of girl and we are now friends, new friends but friends none the less.

Was at baby group yesterday and there was a gang from an obv clique standing in the middle of the floor stuck to each other like glue. I find it quite sad really, they actually wont talk to people outside their clique.

I have started back at college as I sat down one day and thought 'Im going to baby groups, Mon, Tue and Fri, playground, one o'clock clubs etc, what am I doing for me?'. It's only once a month but I'm making a couple of friends and there is no baby talk, it's fab.

I dont find it easy to make friends, I'm not good at or interested in small talk. I'm lucky I enjoy my own company really.

What is the point in getting worked up over this, you should instead, focus on you (if your DH is so interested in drinks parties let him bloody organise the social side of life) and more importantly your DC who wont be little for very long, are finely tuned antennae and will feed off your nagativity and depression.

This is longwinded,sorry. Esentially women aren't very good to each other and remember you are new to the area also, depressing thought, but it could take you years to find your niche, but dont worry, you will. Just try to find things to do outside M&B groups. Your children dont need playdates, they need a happy fun mother.

Enjoy time with yourself and the kids.

you're v kind, salleroo, not long-winded at all! You make me feel more "normal". I know, in my heart,that i won't break in, i guess dh is partly to blame for egging me on to keep trying but i should have given up myslef. it's just rammed down my throat rather - see the mums at school 1st thing, then few mins later at pre-sch/playgrp, bit later in the shops, later again at pick-up time, seemingly always together, fixing next time to meet up. I feel so left out and yet wasn't like this in the last place i lived. I'm not really "new", 3 yrs now but neither of dcs was born here which seems to count!
It makes me that quite a few of these mums profess their christianity yet have never noticed/cared that i'm out of the loop and could do with the occasional kind word/coffee and a chat really.

MissChief,

I bet you anything that where you lived before there was a woman looking at you and your friends sadly and thinking "I'll never break into that clique".

I remember going from one very active social scene to one where I felt on the outside and thinking "Don't you know who I am?" - I was quite indignant!

When I've got friends, it's a group of friends. When other people have, it's a clique!

Ooh, idea for next September,join the PTA and organise the "new parents" events. If you're scared about how you come across, look to jobs that involve writing circulars - you write very well and would come across well in letters I'm sure.

Apologies if repeating something already said could only skim read. Perhaps something that is just for you would help to build your confidence. Would it be possible for you to join a book group, or do a short course in something you really enjoy or want to learn more about. Could be great opportunity to meet some new people that are not connected to these groups. May mean it then matters less to you and would not be so upsetting. Good luck

lingle, yes, you could be right, I may wellhave been a cliquey so-and-so, unintentionally in the past. I think i've always been fairly sensitive to others though, speaking to new people etc. Obviously doing sth wrong now though! I was in the PTA but it's very active here and i just wasn't able to commit sufficient time/make it to meetings with dh away, not really my scene. A course or something may be good though.

diff between a clique and group of friends is that the former will welcome others. We have both in our village. It takes time to feel comfortable in a new place, so don't put pressure on yourself!

you may be right, but nearly 3 years must be longer than normal, right?

perhaps. It's taken me about two - a big help was meeting one friend in particular to mix with outside school. It does seem to me that if you were more relaxed and it mattered less you'd be happier. But that's how cliques work isn't it, being aspirational. Ditch the aspiration!

I live in a small town, been here 4 years, have a dc here in that time, and I dont have one friend here, its not been easy for me either, so I know how you feel, I always seem to miss the in crowd. So I know its hard, its not just you, there are a few of us around.