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feeling really lonely -can't seem to fit in on playgroup/play-date circuit, feel on constant rejection alert

81 replies

MissChief · 15/12/2008 21:15

sounds rather pathetic, I know, could do with pulling myself up by my b ootstraps and just getting on with life but ifeel lonely, isolated and unable to fit in where we live in any meaningful sense. Been here nearly 3 yrs but never somehow clicked and felt at home here even though i love it in theory - beautiful, lively small town, good community etc. i feel so unconfident with others, i can fake it to some extent and do the usaula asking lots of questions about others' dcs at playgroup etc, but i often feel people are backing off thinkging i[m a weirdo. I haen[t felt i can really be myself qith anyone here - the fun, relaxed, at peae with herself person. It doesn[t help that one of my dcs has moderate sn and has some problems at school with socialising (where does that come from?!), being bullied and he's not in with the "in crowd" and nor am I. I've also been battling depression and have confessed as much to a couple of mums whom \i now think i shouldn[t have trusted, one at least is a real gossip. I've not been invited back to her house since admitting to my problem even though sh[es been round here a few times. A shame for my youngest who loves her ds. Many people seem to have had their children here and have formed close NCT-based gorups which are impossible to break in on unless one is super-confident, got a trendy job/clever, confident "normal" child etc etc.
I'm fairly successful on paper -had good job until recently, dh does well, nice house, am not ugly nor fat but am retreating in on myself and not got the confidence to fight back. Am hving cbt, exercise, loads, good diet, done PTA etc.

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MissChief · 16/12/2008 17:53

so how do you stay sane/keep a smile on yr face/have anyone for dcs to play with?! Seriously, it's hard going with no friends where you live, I feel for you and hope you've got close ones who can come and visit?

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MissChief · 16/12/2008 18:30

sorry, flamin, hope i didn't offend, didn't mean to!

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Chandon · 16/12/2008 19:29

Just wondering, do cliques realy exist?

I must say, I quite understand how you feel. I ahve just moved to a small town, and have really made an effort, and so far so good. Where I lived before I was more lonely.

  • Firstly, it takes YEARS to make friends, don´´t aim too high. To start with you wikl just nake acquaintanes. Time will tell if any of these people wil turn out to be friends. I talk about the other mums to by DH as "my colleagues" .
-Secondly, keep an open mind. I think cliques are very much in the mind, and I have just never encountered them. In a way you close your own mind and openness by labelling them "cliques" iyswim.
  • Do things for the school, get involved. Offer to help. Do the washing up after school coffee morning. Chip in at the school bazaar. It´´s a natural way of meeting people, working for a common goal (ie fundraising for the school).
MissChief · 16/12/2008 19:47

i understand what you're saying but I believe they do exist, it's human nature. I guess i'm not a joiner inner or v confident, both of which seem to radiate out from me. I do help out with a couple of things and have met a couple of people that way, the school/pre-sch environmt doesn't put me at ease however.

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alicecrail · 16/12/2008 20:11

I'm a bit the same. I'm 24 but look about 14 and can't seem to fit in, I'm not cool enough for young mums and older mums think I'm a teenager out for all i can get - I am a married woman, we own our house and my husband has a good job! Sometimes I just wanna scream that out!! (coz that would help hehe). Honestly though, I suspect most people on mumsnet are the same as why else would we be so glued to our computers?
Are you near suffolk at all?

MissChief · 16/12/2008 20:13

nowhere near, lovely county though! Are we all, aheam, weird geeks for being on here then? Must admit, have v rarely admitted to mning, must be lots/most of mums who do though.

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alicecrail · 16/12/2008 20:47

Never really thought of myself as a geek before, quite like it though!! (joking) but yes if we all had wonderfully interesting fulfilling lives we wouldn't have time for mumsnet, so lets thank god we are all sad lonely losers with no friends. Hurrah! (do actually have about 5 friends though)

MissChief · 16/12/2008 20:59

i have friends too (indignant tone!) just none live anywhere near!

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alicecrail · 16/12/2008 21:12

good for you (haha) you probably have more than me! Was exaggerating slightly, its more like 3 friends I dont know about you but i am a bit nurotic (and illiterate) and have a bit of a dry sense of humour which people dont get and when nervous tend to joke then go home and stress that person thinks i am complete tit!

MissChief · 16/12/2008 21:17

ikwym, maybe the word is unconventional rather than geeky?!

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alicecrail · 16/12/2008 21:20

i dont know, geeky does have a certain ring to it....

babylovessanta · 16/12/2008 21:36

I'm sorry that you are feeling like this. I moved to a new area, 2.5 years ago - small village, very cliquey. I did'nt settle hear until I had been here about 18 months. I wasted a lot of time attending a local group that was very cliquey and bitchy - clearly did'nt want newcomers. Once i realised that amd ditched them I felt a bit better. I then had some health problems which made me let my guard down and I have made some nice new friends. My advice is don't bother with people who don't bother with you - move on and go to as many groups etc as possible. Also ditch the idea that friendships have much to do with looks/weight - I for one take people on personality! If you don't settle within a certain time period - would you consider moving? You sound nice - some place are just bitchy.

babylovessanta · 16/12/2008 21:41

Also wanted to say that I think sometimes you will never be in the clique. I was talking to a 'friend' the other day and she accidently said that only the people she grew up are her real friends! I could see she felt bad about it and did'nt mean to be funny - it was just the truth! Fair enough.

MissChief · 16/12/2008 21:46

thanks, santa, you're v ery kind! dh would never move, though i've been tempted. I should try other gorups but wd be out of area as only 1 here.

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babylovessanta · 16/12/2008 22:03

I would give the groups that out of your area ago - at least you might get to know people who are near-ish! Grab any opportunties you can. I know how isolating being new to an area is - I still feel it now TBH!

babylovessanta · 16/12/2008 22:09

I wanted to add that when you are not feeling 'right' it can come across in a negative way to others - so taking time to get right might be useful or they could be a load of bitches? {fgrin]

lingle · 17/12/2008 09:03

"when you are not feeling 'right' it can come across in a negative way to others "

Strongly agree with this. Definitely something to screen for. Keep the truth for your old friends and mumsnet!

You mentioned dating before and I think it's a true analogy - when you've got a boyfriend, several other men seem to fancy you. When you're single and actually want men to fancy you, the stream dries up - the messages you send change.

As your DH is so sociable, is there any chance he could bond with fellow fathers? We have some nice neighbours. The mum and I are not quite compatible (I ramble, she's concise and literal) but DH goes jogging with her DH and it means that we can invite then over for Sunday lunch and have the kids hang out together without it feeling artificial.

MissChief · 17/12/2008 10:28

yes, that's happening a bit. V true re screening, quite hard going when in depths of depression, to be honest, to hide it all. WQell and truly haen't felt right, not intentionally shown this but hide to keep undercovers totally.

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babylovessanta · 17/12/2008 15:43

I think you need sometime out to concentrate on getting better. {smile]

MissChief · 18/12/2008 11:23

thanks, I'll tell my kids
Some good advice on here, shall try to digest it all. Spoke to dh - he still feels I should "keep on trying" with the same old people , he thinks i'm being defeatist and paranoid.

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babylovessanta · 18/12/2008 12:17

I don't agree with your DH, sometimes I think you have to move on (you may be wasting your time with these people, your efforts may be wasted on them). I also think that sometimes you need to close the door on something for the next one top open! Also from what you've said a bit of space and time for your and just your family might help your mental health. Good luck - you will turn a corner and something much better will be waiting.

MissChief · 18/12/2008 12:33

thanks, yes, space much needed!

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ninah · 18/12/2008 12:34

have a nice Christmas
Kick ass in the New Year!

Ripeberry · 18/12/2008 12:51

Yes it is a bit like school all over again.
I've been making myself join in with the groups of people outside the school gate and i will just plonk myself in the group.
Lots of other people seem to just hover on the edges.
I find it harder to join groups if i'm one of the last ones to arrive so i usually make sure i'm the first one at the gate and then people HAVE to come up to me or talk.
If i spot someone new i'm usually the first to speak to them, even if its something boring like the weather.
But what i find is that most people are friendly with me even at work, but after a time they just "go off" me, even though i've not done anything wrong.
Maybe it's just my imagination and i overanalyse every single social situation.
But then some people are hard to please and like to stick with their friends.
It was quite interesting last weekend we went to a pary organised by a mother at the school and most of the guests were from her familly and work and only a few from school.
DH and i arrived quite early and we mingled with the strangers who were all quite nice and then the group from school came, took one look at all the others and i kid you not they spent over 4hrs! just staying in the kitchen and did not mingle with anyone.
Makes you think, who are the confident ones?
People in cliques are NOT confident at all!

MissChief · 18/12/2008 12:55

that's interesting, yes, was at a drinks party the other night and the cliques didn't mingle. You may be right about their lack of confidence but they sure as hell put the wind up me, after all i'm outnumbered so it's hard to be full of it then!
Ninah, thanks, will endeavour to kickass, my resolution, maybe!

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