Can I ask a serious question?

[Smurfgirl]

I don't know where to put this sorry.

Has anyone ever been sexually assaulted?

I was ages ago and its just been a bit weird recently. Not bad weird. Just weird. None of my friends no so I just felt a bit alone with it kwim?

I know this is very personal, sorry.

Interesting point Janh. The grandfather snog is definitely assault imo. It was my grandfather who abused me. Am very glad he died when I was in my late teens. Have to say though that what he did was the worst, but on recollection (which I prefer to remain hazy), I've been groped by both a cousin and a second cousin (they were young teenagers and probably thought they were within their rights) - I don't see or speak to either now. Also, I was flashed at as a youngster too and have only recently revealed that to my parents. They said I should have told them, but at that time, although frightening, I honestly didn't realise the importance of telling them. Also, I had a niggling doubt in my mind then (not now) about what I saw, for example, who would do that sort of thing, or why, and was I sure of what I saw? I was around ten years old at that time.
Also, in my very distant memory, I believe my childminder's son who was a teenager at the time, tried to snog and grope me. I'd have only been around eight then, so that is hazy too.
I have always felt so horrible about myself for those things - like I was to blame. It wasn't until my adulthood that I realized that I wasn't.
Anyway, the point is, that I think you're right Janh about unwanted dodgy attention from a male person.
Obviously, I do not mean to offend the millions of fabulous males out there including my dad and dh who are horrified and sickened by this sort of behaviour.
Apologies if I've rambled on a bit.......

Yes. I was raped when I was 13 by a lad who was two years above me at school.

All my closest girlfriends in RL have had at least one similar experience.

I am a regular user, with a name change. I was raped 3 years ago. I brought charges and it went to the high court. He denied, but was found guilty of rape. He got 8 years, and will be out in the next 18 months.

i'm one of the lucky ones then that has only suffered at the hands of drunken ijits in nightclubs.....bottom pinching etc which on a personal level i didn't find upsetting. (although i fully understand that this would be very upsetting to some people)

my sister was flashed at a bus stop and sent me a text terrified and not knowing what to do. she reported it to the police and they came and interviewed her. ( he was a creepy silent flasher as opposed to a drunken lairy one, and that is what upset her more i think) even i felt sick when she told me and had a few sleepless nights worrying about how she was coping with it.

i know i am so lucky not to have experienced anything like this myself..........

Like YAR, I blamed myself for years. It wasn't until I went to university, got into feminism properly and did some reading about violence against women that in fact the penny dropped and I realised that what happened to me was in fact rape.

at expression 'drunken ijits' mosschops.

I never really had any little incidents, just one big one. I just don't like using the r word in reference to myself.

Me too. It was 4 years ago when i was 17. I got a life home from a man at work, i offered him a cup of tea and he came on to me. I asked him too leave and he apoligised and left. Or so i thought. He shut the front door but went and hid in the bedroom and jumped out at me later. I reported it to the police and it went to crown court. He was found not guilty and i lost my job.

Being young i didnt realise that i shouldnt have lost my job etc but i hid away instead.

it was the day before my 18th birthday. memorable for all the wrong reasons

This thread is horrifying- that this has happened to so many women. I am obviously very lucky in that I have never been in this position. The closest I have got was at a party when I was 13 & very innocently going upstairs with a 16 year old boy. I get quite angry at the memory because I had no idea what sort of danger I had put myself in. He was so much bigger and stronger than me & I was so naive that I had no idea what could happen (& I do blame my mother for that). I was lucky that he stopped at groping!

But what is it about some men that they feel this sort of behaviour is in any way acceptable? Especially a grandfather

Have to say that I don't let this rule my life - I leave it firmly where it belongs - right at the back of my mind. I had counselling and a lot of support from other survivors of sexual abuse, and it's only occasionally now that I'm reminded. The most difficult thing for me now is the photo of my grandparents on their wedding day which sits in my parents lounge - found after the house was cleared when my grandmother died. This man was a pillar of the community and everyone thought well of him. I have many happy memories too of good times we had before any of this started, when he was being a proper grandfather. That makes it hard and confusing really. I can't bear for my parents to know. Part of me wants to shatter their illusions of him, but it would change things between us forever and I don't see what good telling them now would achieve.
I choose to live my life as best I can. I'm truly a happy person and look on this as a blip (major one, but a blip all the same). I don't want it to spoil my life and I refuse to let it, but every now and then, it hurts - really, really hurts.
I know, for others this is not possible, and my friend is still struggling to deal with her recollections on a daily basis, but with help, I hope things will improve for her.

Okay - I'm not going to change my name for this as I am in the middle of counselling which is telling me I have nothing to ashamed of. Yes - I was abused by a family member between the ages of 6 and 12 - it only stopped then because the abuser moved away.
I know how weird the experience can make you feel - for me I had big issues around birth which made me say "homebirth please" as I felt safer there. In the end though I was induced as I was very overdue - my biggest fear was ending up with a forceps or ventouse delivery but thankfully my induction failed and I had a semi - elective caesarean section which meant I was not with my legs in stirrups and feeling loss of control (although you could argue that with a spinal I was no more helpless than at that moment).
I am dealing with it now - it's taken me until the age of 39 to try and unravel the damage it did.

Sorry if this has provoked any painful reminders for other people. I just feel it's best for me to be honest about this - it helps me acknowledge the abuse of power and that I was the victim.

god this is hard but has been dealt with and yes I've changed my name. Abused by uncle between aged 4 and 8 (sister was too I found out later) but info. didn't surface until I was in my 20"s aduring a big argument with parents...it all came out then as things to (abuser was my dads brother) My dad confronted his brother, who then broke down, apologised etc etc. I coped fine with it (was also attacked on a train at 12 by man that later on was charged and locked up for rape of a number of young girls though I wasn't thank god) until my uncle committed suicide about 5 years ago - took a shotgun to himself just after the birth of his own daughter. To see grown up men (my dad, his two other brothers and my grandfather) broken men was the most devastating thing I have ever witnessed in my life, and somehow I felt that it was my fault....I know it wasn't, and have spoken about it with my dad about it since, but just all so so sad, but fortunately now in the past

Message withdrawn

Sorry me again

I don't want to talk about it, I don't like to think about it really. But. I just I don't know how to feel about things to do with it at the moment I don't feel bad or ashamed, just weird. I suppose maybe I do, but I don't know what to say.

Nope, thank heaven.

I agree with you Pruni, it seems to highlight it more when you have children yourself, particularly daughters. You're then faced with the question of how to protect them / prepare them and if you prepare them by making them wary of men are you then removing some of the joys of childhood

Message withdrawn

I am hiding, im not ashamed but putting my usual name here would make it all the more "real" i suppose. I was abused by my stepdad over ten years ago. It only happened once and was just something different from the beatings. I did as all good girls should, i took advice from the childline adverts "please tell someone, we will beleive you". I told the police and i was sent to live with my real dad for a couple of months, but he didnt want me. The police didnt beleive me and although social services said they did, if that was true then why did they let me go back home? My rl friends know it was true. I think my mum did aswell but just wont accept it. She's still with him now. I'll never forgive her for leaving me in danger. Thankfully i think it frightened him enough that he never tried it again. The beatings continued however. As soon as i turned 18 i was out of there. Now when i look at him all i see is a sad old man who i could easily beat if i wanted to and i wonder why he had to make my life such hell. I went to their house for christmas just gone, at my mum's request and i admit i spent half an hour alone in the dining room sobbing when i looked at the table all decorated and set for dinner. (It was the first christmas we ever had). I just kept thinking "why couldnt you have done all this when i was a child?" rather than leaving me in a pub christmas day while you both got drunk and let me watch my mum take out her earrings in case he ripped them out later on. The best thing is, (or maybe the worst) is that when my mum sees the nspcc adverts now she will say "how can people let this happen to their children" and it makes me feel like giving her a good shake.

Smurfgirl - sorry, it must have been close to my mind and I just went into my own story. Just wanted to say I feel weird too about it - not upset, just weird, but not all the time - I'm very happy with my life, dh and my kids. Dh knows and the only reason I can't use my usual name is that I rave about mn a bit and some friends (who have no idea) etc know my nickname!
Wish I could post under normal name though - would be much easier!
I think it's good to have a place to say however much or little we want to though, and know that others care and that we're not by any means alone in our experiences.

Smurfgirl I don't know what to say to you - or to the person I know who has had this happen to them in RL. Their abuser was not prosecuted. Apart from making it clear that I believe them and that it was in no way their fault I don't know how to provide support. Does anything help?

Smurfgirl - is there anything that might help? f it's too personal to talk about on mumsnet, how about contacting your nearest branch of Rape Crisis Line - their website is here ?

Thinking of you. Please do CAT me if you want to, although any messages go to my home email so I won't get them until this evening.

Thanks dinosaur

I only ever told 2 people but after I told them I never said about it again because I am not very good at talking about things like that so I am not sure rape crisis would help. I don't know really, I think I have lots of things to say, but not the words kwim? I have a wonderful support system, but I don't seem to able to use it.

(such a thread hog ack)

This thread is so sad. I've been assaulted too, as Janh says, who hasn't? Smurfgirl, I hope something in this lot has been useful.

Smurfgirl I wish I could help.