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How would you feel if you got pg again?

89 replies

mum2boy · 19/02/2003 06:51

I hope this doesn't offend anyone but I have such definite feelings about this and wonder if anyone else feels the same.

I have a beautiful 2.7 yr old ds, but the thought of ever falling pregnant again fills me with horror. My pregnancy wasn't a very nice experience (dh decided he didn't want a child), I suffered a lot with PND and could not get enough rest after ds was born. Our marriage wasn't the same after I fell pregnant and it has taken dh a long time to come to terms with it, I think he even thought about leaving. Even though I had quite an easy baby, for some reason I found the whole experience difficult. Now when I see pregnant women or hear that someone I know is pregnant, I actually feel bad for them instead of happy - I know other people would probably think this is strange, otherwise why would women go back for a second, third or fourth child? Obviously someone out there is enjoying it!! I absolutely love my son more than anything but do not want to go there again. DH had a vasectomy a year ago and I am even still taking the minipill because he hasn't received the final 'all clear' yet. Are my feelings on all this a bit extreme? Just wondering if anyone else can relate to what I'm saying.

OP posts:
Chiccadum · 19/02/2003 07:22

On one hand i would love another baby but on the other hand I would be mortified if i fell pregnant again. With dd2 i had to see the consultant every week and have been told in no uncertain terms if we were to have another it would be dangerous to both me and moreso the baby. dd2 narrowly missed out having to have a blood transfusion and was in SCBU for a while after she was born

Lindy · 19/02/2003 10:23

Mum2boy - I feel EXACTLY the same as you; I have one DS aged two, I am perfectly happy with him but there is NO WAY I would have another. I am very, very strict about contraception & would dread getting pregnant again - although as I am now 45 it is probably less likely (I take the pill). My DH would love another but respects my decision.

I also find it hard to congratulate people when they announce a pregnancy which I know is really, really horrible of me and I force myself to be nicer. I have noticed that as most of my ante-natal class friends have now had their second baby, or annouced their pregnany, I am slowly being 'dropped' from their circle, not that I mind, I have plenty of non-baby friends!!!

Azzie · 19/02/2003 10:39

mum2boy,

I have two kids (ds is 5 and dd 3) and they are wonderful - I love them to bits. Both pregnancies and births were straightforward. HOWEVER, the thought of falling pg again fills me with total horror. I was pretty sure I only wanted 2 children even before dd was born, but I clearly remember the feeling of elation (there is no other word to describe it) when dd popped out and the midwife said 'It's a girl'. I had one of each sex, and I never had to be pg or give birth again! I was totally sure about how I felt, and over the last 3 years that hasn't changed one bit.

Dh would love another child, and cannot understand how I can be so definite about not wanting another. Other people's new babies are very sweet, but I get no pangs of broodiness at all when I see or hold them. I just couldn't face the sleepless nights, the painful breastfeeding, or the terrible twos again!

The problem I face is that I don't seem to be able to get it into dh's head that the thought of taking even the slightest risk is a complete turn-off to me (because of the way I feel). I don't think our marriage would survive another pregnancy - if I had the baby I would resent dh so much that I think our marriage would fall apart, and if I got rid of the baby he would never forgive me. Because he would like another baby he finds the idea of risk taking quite sexy!

Clarinet60 · 19/02/2003 11:11

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two's enough for me.

Clarinet60 · 19/02/2003 11:12

Ooh, I didn't know one could go off the scale.

RosieT · 19/02/2003 11:17

I know what you mean, Lindy ? I too (as a mother of one) feel I've been 'dropped' by antenatal friends who've gone on to have second and even third babies, and I've been wondering why this is or whether it's 'just me'. Perhaps it's not intentional, but I often feel the same way about proud parents of two that Bridget Jones felt about "smug marrieds" ? I'd be interested to know if anyone else felt like this. Like you, while I try to smile and congratulate friends and colleagues on the news of their pregnancies, whilst secretly feeling very ambivalent.

Clarinet60 · 19/02/2003 11:26

I know what you mean, RosieT, even though I've got 2 now. When I just had one, and was having miscarriages, the 'smug marrieds' moniker was very apt. Now I have 2, I don't know how I feel really. Relieved, I think, mostly.

susanmt · 19/02/2003 12:06

I would be horrified if I ever got pg again. There are several reasons. Firstly I have suffered bad pnd (was in hospital first time) with both children, which put a strain on me, dh and children. Secondly I suffered 3 miscarriages to get 2 babies to term and couldn't face going through that again. And thirdly I have a kidney condition (developed in my last pregnancy with ds) which means that if I got pregnant again I could suffer up to a year of painful kidney stones and potentially lose a kidney. So not for me!!
I have a mirena coil which has been brilliant and dh will probably have a vasectomy (although I love my coil so much - no periods and no migraines - that I might just keep it anyway!)
The thought of getting pregnant again just fills me with dread. I hope it never happens!

Carla · 19/02/2003 12:07

I would sooooo love to have another. Sorry to be the fly in the ointment! It's not going to happen, because 'D'H and I aren't getting on at all and haven't been for ages. My DDs were so close together that I feel I kind of missed out on both their babyhoods - dd2 kind of got left to get on with it as dd1 was only 14mths and, quite understandably, demanding at the time. DD2 was potty trained at Christmas and I really miss those fat naps and everything else I thought I couldn't wait to get over. I guess I'd just like to have the chance to devote 100% to a baby without the paranoia and insecurities that come with having your first. When I start thinking about it, these are the things that make me realise it's for the best - but it certainly doesn't stop me pining .....
1 No money
2 No space
3 Am 37
4 Had amniocentecis with dd2 as high % of down's
probability
5 Banged up in horrible hospital forever with dd2 with preclampsia.

mum2toby · 19/02/2003 12:42

I suffered (am suffering) from PND and my relationship with dp has been rocky since ds was born 20mths ago. Dp has tried to be supportive and is a WONDERFUL hands-on Dad, but when I get upset he just can't deal with it and he makes me worse. It's getting better though.

However, I am SO yearning for another baby!!! I can't stop going on about it! I'm 25 and dp and I have decided that we can afford another when ds is nearly 3 (well I've decided and dp has agreed!). I can't wait! BUT, I am terrified of all this happening again. We are just getting some sort of normality back and I can totally relate to finding the whole experience so difficult and exhausting and I don't remember feeling much joy in first few months after he was born. Just depressed and tired.

I s'pose I'm just trying to be optimistic and think that it'll be much easier 2nd time around and hopefully I won't suffer any PND. If I do then I hope I'll be able to admit it and accept help immediately.

I think your dread of having another baby is totally normal, especially having suffered from PND. The financial aspect is daunting too! And you have a wonderful son to fill your life already.

oxocube · 19/02/2003 12:56

Despite having 3 wonderful children, I think I would be devastated at the moment (youngest just 16 months). I have 7 years of sleep to catch up on.

sobernow · 19/02/2003 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eidsvold · 19/02/2003 13:44

Despite having a high risk of another child with down syndrome - my husband and I are looking to have more children. Our first - beautiful dd is only 7 months old so it won't happen for a while. I had an easy pregnancy and despite knowing about her heart condition but not the down syndrome.. all was good. I did however have to have and emergency caesar - I was having a routine ultrasounf check up at 9.30 am and by 11.08 that morning - I was a mother. I did not get anything I wanted for myself from the birth but I got the most amazing daughter and I am glad we did not deprive my family, friends and the world of knowing this little one.

Having said that I am a great believer in each to their own - what is great for me may not work for you. So no your feelings are not extreme... they are how you feel at this point in time in your situation.

jasper · 19/02/2003 14:15

great message eidsvold

willow2 · 19/02/2003 16:55

I have just made up a new abbreviation. Yes, it is rather coarse, but I think there are times when it is required and this is one of them.

Droile - PML.

RosieT · 19/02/2003 16:59

PML? sorry, I'm confused!

CAM · 19/02/2003 18:51

I'd be totally amazed (and shocked) as I think I'm too old now.

sobernow · 19/02/2003 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aloha · 19/02/2003 20:58

I'd be pleased,but horrified by how fat I'd be afterwards as I have two stone to lose since ds and feel horribly porky. Joined ww online as can't get to a meeting anymore. Starting tomorrow! I keep thinking, if I lose a stone at least I could get pg.... But then, childcare costs.... career....aargh!

soyabean · 19/02/2003 21:07

I'd be horrified, and also surprised as there has been minimal nightime activity in our bed for some time...Plus I have a marvellous Mirena coil!
When I had 2, one of each, I felt that that should be it, no need for any more: no money, no space etc. But there was a nagging feeling that just didnt go away and after a 4 year gap we had our 3rd, very much planned. I was very relieved to find that after the first few weeks with no.3, I felt absolutely sure that I didnt want any more. I had worried that the broody feeling of wanting to be pg and to have a tiny baby, as well as the desitre for another child, would keep returning. But I can safely say that 4 years on I am quite quite sure that I dont want another. Am 40 now, I know lots of us have babies at 40+ but it is harder work physically I think, and anyway I have come round to the idea of 3 kids. I always used to want an even number.
Mum2boy I dont think your feelings are extreme. I think its much better to be honest as you are about it than to have another just because other people think you should.

Eowyn · 19/02/2003 21:33

I feel totally the same as mum2boy. Tho friends seem happy with more children I feel so relieved I only have one to struggle with at a time, they all seem pulled in so many directions, I just know I couldn't cope.
And compared with others I know she was an "easy" baby, but not for me!

anais · 19/02/2003 21:42

I am a single Mum, so not much chance for me, but I would DESPERATELY love to have more children. I have 2 wonderful kids, but I have always dreamed of having a big family. I'm only 22, so I guess I've got loads of time, but I don't want a big age gap. I'm even considering going for adoption because I so badly want more kids. But the idea of never being pregnant again really upsets me....my first pregnancy was really easy (although my ds was detected as having a cleft lip and palate at 20 months which meant lots of scans and checkups and it was emotionally pretty tough), my second was more difficult, with mild morning sickness, and again problems meaning lots of blood tests and checkups, but I loved being pg.

I would be very suprised if I found I was pregnant now (not to be too grphic it would be an immaculate conception ), but absolutely delighted.

zebra · 19/02/2003 21:46

I'm desperate broody but there are at least a dozen good reasons to wait awhile.

zebra · 19/02/2003 21:47

ps: I'm so dumb; always posting before I said what I should have:

I'd love to be pregnant again so that it was really happening, in spite of all the reasons why we shouldn't for a while!

willow2 · 19/02/2003 21:59

Beautifully put Sobernow.

In hindsight maybe I should have put LMTO?

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