How would you feel if you got pg again?

[mum2boy]

I hope this doesn't offend anyone but I have such definite feelings about this and wonder if anyone else feels the same.

I have a beautiful 2.7 yr old ds, but the thought of ever falling pregnant again fills me with horror. My pregnancy wasn't a very nice experience (dh decided he didn't want a child), I suffered a lot with PND and could not get enough rest after ds was born. Our marriage wasn't the same after I fell pregnant and it has taken dh a long time to come to terms with it, I think he even thought about leaving. Even though I had quite an easy baby, for some reason I found the whole experience difficult. Now when I see pregnant women or hear that someone I know is pregnant, I actually feel bad for them instead of happy - I know other people would probably think this is strange, otherwise why would women go back for a second, third or fourth child? Obviously someone out there is enjoying it!! I absolutely love my son more than anything but do not want to go there again. DH had a vasectomy a year ago and I am even still taking the minipill because he hasn't received the final 'all clear' yet. Are my feelings on all this a bit extreme? Just wondering if anyone else can relate to what I'm saying.

Thanks willow2. I'm proud to have helped the marketing of tena. LOL. (I got PML straight away, but I'm struggling with .......ah! Just got it. Not much left of them after DS2's marathon 3am breastfeeds, but yes, I often do too thanks to mumsnet).

Who or what is Tena?

She is the sister of Xena the Warrior queen.

Can I second the NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO motion here?

She could be the WickedWaterQueen.
Or the HairyT**tMan's consort.

Soyabean, to put you out of your misery, it's an incontinence pad.

(So how many beans do make 5? Bet you're sick of being asked that. BEING...gedit?!)

Rhubarb - motion carried.

Which is very apt for us ladies who had awful first births, is it not?

I'd be glad if I got pregnant again (in fact, I WANT to get pregnant again), but I'd rather it were when
a) dh and I are getting on better again - like Carla I feel that things in the baby producing department are unlikely while we are at loggerheads about so many things
b) ds (15 months) is sleeping through the night and has stopped breastfeeding - hmmmm, some connection there??
c) I feel less invisible. I love ds very much, but I sometimes feel like his invisible support crew - I think this is more to do with the fact that dh and I are finding things difficult together. I don't like that thing where people (mainly family members) who used to ask about you suddenly stop completely and focus only on the baby. Of course the baby is great, but have you ceased to exist? I suppose they don't know what to ask you about if you are a SAHM because they can't for the life of them see what you do???

I think it's fine not to want another one mum2boy, in fact great that you are so definite about knowing what you want and don't want.
In fact I'd really like to have 3 children ultimately, but it could be that after any second I might change my mind?

Oh yes and I forgot to add - it's interesting this thing about antenatal friends with 2 children dropping those with only 1. One of my antenatal friends I know through other sources is pregnant with her second and she has not told me - in fact she is becoming more distant. Actually I think this is more to do with her possibly losing interest... 2 others from my NCT group are pregnant and they are fine (in fact very nice) for the moment, but experiences are bound then to differ I suppose and unless you liked each other as people before, over and above having the baby thing to talk about, then it's all very superficial and easy to drop anyway.

Following on from your comments Genia - last year I met two other women through a mother & toddler group and we began to get together on a regular basis. The most obvious difference between us was that I have a boy and they both have girls (all similar ages), and from what I can gauge they both had a strong preference for girls - they both seemed horrified at the prospect of having a boy. After a while they started to see more of each other on their own, and now that they are both pregnant again, I have virtually no contact with them at all. I really began to get a strong vibe that things were changing because they obviously felt their circumstances were similar, and one of them in particular wanted her little girl to be friends other little girls. Looking back I think the whole friendship thing was pretty superficial, I mean why 'drop' someone just because they only have one baby and you have two???!!! And because someone else has a boy instead of a girl?? I found the whole thing a bit too tedious because some people obviously have this criteria that others have to meet in order to consider them as a friend. Of course not all the women I have met have been like this, but some definitely are.

The thought of ever having to go through the total mess that was my labour again fills me with such dread that there is no way on God's green earth that I would ever do it again.

I went to visit a friend in the same hospital I gave birth in last week and I damn near had a panic attack.

The sluglet is wonderful, sweet and charming as hell but No, No, Never again.

mum2boy I totally agree with Soyabean and others: I really respect you and anyone else who only wants one child and says so and sticks to it. How much better to do that than feel forced into going for the expected norm (apparently) of having two - just to please others!
Have to say that as am now very happily 33wks pg with no 3 I clearly do not feel as you do - but the point is that there is room for many opinions and they should all be respected. (which is why those of us who want 3, 4 or more children are not mad either - just different!)

Adding to comments from Lindy, Genia, Rosie and Holly re "friends" with 2 preferring the company of others with 2: a mother at dd's previous school told me that she couldn't go out with me because I only have 1 child and it wasn't fair on her younger dd. This despite the fact that her eldest dd sat next to my dd at school and was her friend. In fact the younger dd who was very close in age loved my dd too and they all got on well. When I was a child, one of 4, we all had our own friends and there was no discrimination made on numbers of siblings. My parents used to invite over "only " children so they would have someone to play with. I have always had friends with sons as well as daughters and they just get on and play with each other. I don't understand why people can only socialise if their families "match". Not a good lesson to be teaching our children about getting on with others.

I agree with you, clary, and totally respect anyone for having whatever number of children they wish to have. Don't think you're mad at all ? envy the energy you must have, if anything!
I think one of the problems with these mother and baby groups is that you can end up 'making friends' with people with whom you don't really have an awful lot in common, except for having a baby the same age. And when the situation changes, for example if a few of them go on to have another baby, the dynamics of the group can change too, with those in a similar 'situation' sticking together ? which can mean the mums with just one child (who are usually in the minority) feel left out. I'm sure this wouldn't happen with "real friends", but it certainly happened in the group I was in. I remember one birthday party when someone said, "now, let's count up all those children with baby siblings or one on the way". I just thought it was incredibly insensitive ? how did she know that I wasn't desparately trying to have another baby, or had just had a miscarriage?
I know I'm always relieved when we're at a party or some other kind of parent-and-toddler gathering to find another parent with just one child there. I know it shouldn't matter, but sometimes, it feels as though it does.

Slug, I so totally sympathise with you. There was no way I was going to go through a 'natural' (HA!) birth with number 2, by hook or by crook. Luckily, the mess made of me by the first birth, together with ds2 obligingly lying breech, convinced my obst that a section would be best. But failing this, I would have pulled some sort of post-traumatic stress screaming abdab stunt to get out of it. There was no * way. An innocent locum obst who hadn't read my notes suggested turning babe in week 36. How we laughed.

CAM: what a strange mother that was, wanting to match up playmates. You were probably best off not knowing her.

Mum2boy, I am like you, have one son aged 3.25, dh has had the snip, and as much as I love my ds, no way would I ever want to get pregnant again. Had bad morning (all day really) sickness till nearly 6 months, then got a terrible cold then went into labour, then pad PND for 3 years. No I am pleased only having the one.

RosieT, Droile, Genia and Holly02 - I know exactly what you mean. I felt v close to my antenatal group and put a lot of effort into keeping regular contact after we moved away. We all supported each other and I thought of them as valued friends.

But they all went on to have uncomplicated second pregnancies while I went on to have three miscarriages.

Sometimes I felt like the wicked fairy at the christening. The low point was probably bursting into tears when the second one of the group told me she was pregnant again. I had just spent a whole day at the recurrent miscarriage clinic and it was what should have been my twins' due date. They all ignored me until I pulled myself together and congratulated her. Later that day one of them left a message on my answering machine asking for a contribution to yet another baby present (for someone whose second baby wasn't actually due for another 3 months).

I haven't given up contact because my dd is fond of their dds. But I've often felt hurt by their insensitivity and I'm definitely the odd one out in the group. One of them (who had a miscarriage herself before we met) does try hard be considerate and I can only conclude that she has no idea how cruel her behaviour can seem.

I've had to tell myself that, close as we were when our babies were little, these people are not real friends, but acquaintances. We have little in common and wouldn't have met under any other circumstances I can think of. But nobody else would have put up with my crazed obsession with sleep and sore nipples just when there was almost nothing else I could talk about and for that I'm still grateful.

eemie, how awful. I sympathise with insensitivity over miscarriages. I've just had to accept that I'm not allowed to talk about it, except on mumsnet. Having a healthy second now makes people think they are all cancelled out. They aren't.

eemie
I sympathise about your miscarriages as well. I had a miscarriage in '97 (long before ds who was born in '01) and I still sometimes think about the person who might have been (dh is convinced that its soul is in the cat who walked into our lives shortly afterwards). It comes as a shock when you realise that people you thought were friends actually aren't..., but I suppose once you know that's the ballgame then it's easier to handle. It's ironic that the people whom you really need (other mothers) because they can relate to what you are going through, are also the people who can let you down in that way.

Eemie and others. How awful that you didn't get the sympathetic support you needed from the people you thought you were close to at the time you needed it most.

I hesitate to write this, in case it appears insensitive, but I do want to reassure you that that isn't the spirit that this is written.

I have never experienced miscarriage. I hope to god I never do. I can only imagine the pain you must have gone through and still are going through. If there was someone in my baby group who had suffered repeated miscarriages I think I would really struggle to know how best to be sensitive to them while still acknowledging the joys of the other mums. I'm ashamed to say that in that situation I would probably be one of those insensitive mums because it simply wouldn't have crossed my mind.

I apologise for that, and any future inadvertant insensitiviy I might give to someone who has suffered miscarriage. However, I imagine that those you came across weren't being deliberately insensitive to your pain and loss either, and that they are just flawed human beings like the rest of us.

Now that dd is nearly 2, people at work keep telling me that it's high time we had another baby .... OK, so they don't know the facts (dd was the result of IVF cycle no 6 and we can't do any more due to poor egg production on my part) but I just don't think you should say things like that unless you know somebody really well. Maybe I'm being over-sensitive because had it been possible we probably would have tried for baby no 2, but it is hard to just laugh and make a joke about it ...

Eemie, I was so sad to read your post, I really was. I think it is tremendously big-hearted of you to focus on how much you all meant to each other after the birth of your first babies. I went through something similar myself in that my postnatal group all knew about Tom's death and NOT ONE of them picked up the phone or dropped me a line (of the ones I no longer saw on a weekly basis, that is). Apparently they were all very sad to hear my news, so that's OK then. It's still all quite recent for me and I am having a lot of difficulty recalling what I ever saw in any of them.
Your describing it as "the wicked fairy" is so right. You really start to feel ashamed for putting them through the unpleasant experience of hearing about your failure.
I actually sat at a reunion at Christmas with two of them, and one girl spent the whole evening wittering on about her own doings and life and burbling on about ds1 and never even asked how I was. I was really there for the other mum, who suffered a stillbirth herself some years ago and has been a good friend.
Georgina, it's nice and honest of you to say what you did and I know you are absolutely right. But when the cumulative effect from about 75% of your circle of mum acquaintances is "let's pretend it never happened" it really does come across as massively cruel and insensitive. The kindess I got from Mumsnetters off and on site after my baby died kept me sane.
We're off topic a bit here but it all relates to the horrendous emotions being a mother (once or more often) exposes us to. I have a friend who settled for one child because she could not believe her luck would hold a second time. She had decided this before Tom died but I now understand her line of thought better, I must say.

Not the same I know but when my father died, I really think I was in danger of losing my mind temporarily as I found it so difficult to cope with the large number of people I knew who said absolutely nothing about it to me. I synpathise Eemie and Marina as a few kind words go a long way sometimes.