How would you feel if you got pg again?

[mum2boy]

I hope this doesn't offend anyone but I have such definite feelings about this and wonder if anyone else feels the same.

I have a beautiful 2.7 yr old ds, but the thought of ever falling pregnant again fills me with horror. My pregnancy wasn't a very nice experience (dh decided he didn't want a child), I suffered a lot with PND and could not get enough rest after ds was born. Our marriage wasn't the same after I fell pregnant and it has taken dh a long time to come to terms with it, I think he even thought about leaving. Even though I had quite an easy baby, for some reason I found the whole experience difficult. Now when I see pregnant women or hear that someone I know is pregnant, I actually feel bad for them instead of happy - I know other people would probably think this is strange, otherwise why would women go back for a second, third or fourth child? Obviously someone out there is enjoying it!! I absolutely love my son more than anything but do not want to go there again. DH had a vasectomy a year ago and I am even still taking the minipill because he hasn't received the final 'all clear' yet. Are my feelings on all this a bit extreme? Just wondering if anyone else can relate to what I'm saying.

Eemie and others, there are some really insensitve people around - but the comments about your ante-natal friends is incredible, especially the bit about a contribution for a gift!! I always remember many years ago a good friend of mine had a still birth, she tells me that she used the opportunity to 'cull' her friends afterwards as so many had 'ignored' the situation or made really inappropriate comments. She went on to have two more healthy children but I still talk to her about the first son, and she tells me that she is grateful I can 'remember' the situation.
Regarding ante-natal friends, I know that many people do make good friendships at these groups but IMO they are totally 'unreal' situations, the only thing you have in common is pregnancy/baby & after the initial excitement has worn off I certainly found I had very little to talk to the others about.
Regarding 'size' of friends' families, my 'best friend' (made when I was pregnant but not at the ante-natal class) has four children, her youngest being the same age as mine. We have a great friendship, often joking about our different lifestyles; because I've only got the one I have time & space to entertain her children as well, for example this morning I took the two eldest swimming, to give her a break & my DS loves the company! I certainly wouldn't want to socialise just with other mums with 'onlies'.

You're right, Lindy ? I think (hope) this mum-of-one/mum-of-more divide is just a feature of the dreaded mother and baby /postnatal groups, where you haven't necessarily much in common except for the fact that you've recently had babies. And as eemie so rightly says, you need people who can relate to sore nipples and sleep deprivation, as these kinds of things are so much an overwhelming feature of new parenthood (however, agree that you're incredibly big-hearted to say so, eemie ? not sure I'd feel so charitable in your situation (probably because I'm not such a nice person )). One of my best friends has 3 children; two others have none at all.
As you say, these postnatal groups are an artificial construct and, although it's great if you CAN make good friends there, it's not necessarily to be expected.

Eemie and Marina, I'm so sorry people were insensitive. IKWYM everyone who's talked about being treated differently if you've only got one - a woman at school said recently 'these people with only one child don't know they're born' and then apologised to me with 'Oh, I didn't mean you' Oh, but I think you did lady, you just didn't realise I was standing there. Maybe I should have said 'actually, we are trying but no success, so P* OFF!' Anyway, in answer to the question in the thread title, I'd feel pleased but apprehensive too. And I could cope if it didn't happen, definitely. Understand Droile's nooooooooooo and I didn't know you could go off the scale here either!

Well as some of you will be aware, I would be delighted to be pg again (currently having IVF). I still meet regularly with my antenatal class and now that the babies are all around 14 months, I am bracing myself for the start of a steady stream of new pregnancy announcements....and feel a little trepidation at the prospect of being increasingly left out, if things don't work out for me.
But I agree that these groups are not necessarily 'real' friendships (not for me anyway) - though they do serve an incredibly important support function at a particular time - a good outlet for interminable discussions about sleep and weaning dilemmas that you wouldn't want to subject your 'real' friends to! (bit like mumsnet really ) So I can imagine that when that support function starts to revolve around the difficulties of coping with two etc, those who are not sharing in those stages are likely to feel marginalised.

In response to the original question, I would have to say nooooooooooooooooo, definitely no more (regardless of current personal circumstances). Like Azzie, the sense of relief when I delivered a dd second time around and thought one of each - no more to do!
I feel so disappointed by some of your experiences with ante-natal groups and insensitivities. I think as a nation the British are appallingly bad at acknowledging the feelings of others and are terrified of outbursts of emotion. I know I err in completely the opposite direction and am a big "hugger" and tea and sympathy person. In the ante-natal group I still meet up with 3.5yrs on, we have had a wide variety of experiences: miscarriages, twins, only kids, 4 kids and we all still (well bar the one who moved to Scotland) get together and really enjoy each others company. There is a huge discrepancy in social backgrounds, income levels, attitudes to child rearing and yet somehow we all get value & I think pleasure out of our weekly meet ups.
Those who drop or distance people who haven't got the same number of children as themselves are missing out!

I have to be honest with you here - www's comment that someone said 'those with only one child don't know they're born' struck a chord. I've never said this to anyone unless they were being obnoxious to me, but I have to admit I have thought it. Having 2 is as much a leap as having the first one was. It sweeps you off your feet. I think it's the pulling in different directions and suddenly having to think for 3 people when you've only just got used to thinking for 2. It has hit me quite hard, I think, although I wouldn't have it any other way. And I guess we look back on the time when we only had one child with rose-tinted glasses and think how easy it must be. It isn't, of course. Also, no-one helps you when you have 2. It's as if they think you must know what you're doing, or you've asked for it, or something.
Another side of the coin is that I sometimes feel a nuisance to those of my friends who've stopped at one. I can't do the things I used to as I have an added burden, and their older children are more independent. So I find myself stuck at home or trailing far behind them in the street. It's a bit like the difference between the childless, and those with children, only not so extreme. This is not to excuse those with more than one for their insensitive comments, just to say that we have our own cross to bear too.

Droile, I agree with you, to an extent. I've got a friend with 3 children who frequently refers to my "one poxy babe" in the nicest possible way! (i.e, you come and stay with me, you've only got one poxy babe to worry about getting in the car etc) And she's right - I do know I've got it easier than anyone with more than one, completely. I don't take offence at her comments at all, she's a very dear, great friend, she makes me laugh and she's right! I suppose what I object to is anyone treating me as if I'm not a 'proper' mum because I've only got one, since clearly I am. Friends have told me that going from 1 to 2 is a shock and I believe them (and you) but I can't quite believe it's the same as going from being childless to being a parent. Surely not? Please not?

WWW, I think that like most people when I had my second I couldn't believe how easy it was to look after a tiny baby when you knew what you were doing and also when you had become used to looking after a toddler. For us, the shock as such wasn't nearly so great as when we had our first but over time, we do find it an awful lot more exhausting. This is just because it is harder for one of you to get a complete break. Also, working the hours I do, I really feel I don't have enough time to devote to them both which I didn't really find a problem when I only had one. But all in all, I don't find 2 that hard work. After all they do entertain each other (when they're not trying to kill each other that is) and meals etc aren't any more work.

I agree with bells about having 2. I know what mum2boy means. i'd like to have third child, but I'm really not sure I can do the whole pregnancy/birth thing again. Especially the birth bit- both were sections (first emergency and 2nd elective). I hate hopsitals and hate operations. Really like the thought of another though. Not sure which feeling will win....

Droile - what I object to with people who make the 'you don't know your born' comment regarding having one child is that in most cases (not all I know), they have made a deliberate choice to have another & those of us with one child have made a deliberate choice not to have another - someone was moaning to me recently about the struggle with two children, so expensive, exhausting etc - and giving me the 'you're so lucky' look - I would have actually liked to ask her why then she had had another baby - but I was too polite to do so!!

Lindy - you don't know what it's going to be like until you do it. I thought I knew everything there was to know about having kids - I had ds, right? Wrong. It's floored me, having 2. Perhaps it's because I'm an only child myself, I don't know. I just feel torn in pieces and there is no way to please both of them at once. So one of them is always shouting at you and it's very wearing. The 'deliberate choice' stuff could be levelled at anyone who has a child. You go into it quite blindly and I'd always thought that if you had one, you may as well have more because you're tied anyway.

exhausted

Actually Jasper, it wasn't a typo, I did mean tied, as in up with string. But exhausted, yes. No energy for anything but this.

CAM, What a bonkers 'friend'! I do think I am fantastically priveleged to have have just the one - so easy, so convenient, life carries on much as normal, particularly compared to friends with two or three none of whom sleep through... - but I'd still quite like another. Not for now - don't feel the need for another baby, enjoy family life as it is etc etc, but in a few years time would like ds to have a sibling, partly because only children are often very, very demanding in that you are their playmate which can get a bit wearing, esp on holiday. Also think it could be good for them in adulthood. NOt always, obviously, as I don't get on with my brother as we have nothing in common. Doesn't mean I wouldn't love a sibling who I was close to.

I would love another baby. It makes me feel really sad that when our ds is growing up he won't have a sibling. I worry what will happen when dh and I get old and the burden of responsibility that is likely to fall on ds. I always thought I'd have two children and it's very hard accepting that this probably won't be the case.

My second baby is only 4 months old and recently the gp had to do a pregnancy test to rule out an ectopic pregnancy - before I knew the result my first feeling was excitement and joy, followed by a deep and profound relief that it was negative - now definitely going for the mirena coil!!!!

Droile - absolutely agree that you don't know what's going to hit you until you have one - that's precisely why I never want another, total exhaustion, stress, boredom (sometimes), just counting the days until he starts school (I know I sound a horrible mummy!) if I can feel like this with one, I can only 'imagine' what it's lke to have more - but it's just not for me.

Pluto - I really don't hold with the argument that more than child means the burden of care for elderly parents is shared - personally I would hate my child to feel responsible for me in my old age & DH & I have made financial provisions so that, hopefully, this would not be necessary. Also, many siblings do not get along & that can cause real strain - as seen on some of the mumsnet threads! In my DHs family, 'care' of a sick relative caused so much aggro & stress that he & his siblings have never got over it

Lindy, your messages always strike a chord. We are so similar it's uncanny.

Mum2boy - Yes I know where you're coming from. I have one DS now 18 months, and as far as myself and Dh are concern our family is complete. We get frowned upon by others for subjecting our poor child to a life of misery because he wont have any brothers or sisters. Well hang on a minute, this is our lives too and WE are happy, Full stop. Ds wont know any different. Only children I have spoken to, say good and bad things about it, as do children with siblings who argue like cat and dog 24/7. So the answer to the question about being pregnant again would be, dread. Why I don't know? Ds is an angel so he's not 'put me off' I just feel that being a mother to more than one is not for me. Is that bad?

Lindy, I feel responsible for my mum when she's old and I'm an only one. Not financially, she has all that covered. Just in that I'm the only family she has, so any nursing, reassurance, etc, will fall on me and I've worried about it for years. I'd love a sibling to share it with, someone in the same boat with the same person. I know that having a sibling doesn't guarantee this, but I'm quite envious of my DH - he shares all the gripes with his sister and they really understand and support one another. She lives at the other end of the country, but shares every issue DH has with his old man.
My mum remarried when I was 10 and I remember thinking thank goodnes I'm not responsible for her any more! Seriously!

Furball - just read yours. Hope you don't think I'm an anti-onlies, I'm not. Just a personal viewpoint. I think everyone should have the number of children they feel happy with. I know lots of happy only children. Peace

Just to explain my position a bit more - I was the only child of an only child and I think that was the problem. No aunts, uncles or cousins, no-one to fall back on once my grandparents had died. As I've said on other threads, no family to shake a stick at, really.
Can I stop ducking now?

Furball ? no, no, no, of course it's not bad! And I wish some of these mums who try and make us feel guilty about the plight of our "only children" would bear in mind that a) some of us don't have any choice in the matter b) some of us would find life much more stressful/less enjoyable and that would have a negative impact on ALL the family for the rest of their lives, and c) these decisions (or not) to have one or more children are often made as the result of all sorts of complex issues and not just as a result of waking up one morning and thinking, "Hmmm Think I'll just have one child to make my life easier".
As someone said earlier, can't we all respect each other's decisions and understand that there are all sorts of factors at work in this. Let's just live and let live.
(Anyway, DS might have the 'burden' of responsibility for me and dh in our later years, but just think of all the spondoolies he'll inherit without having to share them with anyone)

PS Didn't mean to offend anyone by this, by the way

Couldn't agree with you more furball, my mum has always said it would be horribel to just have one, but a few friends I know are the only child and it doesn't seem to bother them. I have a brother who I get on with now (to a point), but for the first 20 years of our lives, that certainly wasn't the case.