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Original poster

My brother's wedding.....

49 replies

Flossam · 23/02/2005 19:32

Is also banning kids. Now I know there was a thread on this recently and I have skimmed through it but my circumstances are slightly different. A) it is my brother b) DS will only be 5 months old. He won't be putting up the budget by having a three course dinner! He is the only baby in the family that will be attending, another baby is staying away due to health reasons (op soon after) They have said he can come to the ceremony but not the evening do. We don't have anyone to babysit (DP's mum lives down there but her birthday the same day so not likely to want to stay in!), as it is about 3 and half hours away in another city. We will have to use public transport.

I'm especially dissapointed as he hasn't even told me himself, instead has told my mum. Also that when they first announced the wedding he told me he expected the three of us there. It seems a very long way to go for a 30 minute service. I feel like not going. But don't want it to look like I am trying to throw my toys out of the pram so to speak. But then, as I said, a long way to go. Or if they do allow us to bring DS, there may be aminosity (sp?) among the others who couldn't bring their children. I'm really upset, just found out tonight and I've been really looking forward to this wedding.

OP posts:

Moomin · 24/02/2005 19:23

i've gpt a dreadful confesh to make which may or may not kick things off. when dh and i got married i was a bit of a bridezilla myself when it came to the no kids rule. this was because of our nephew (4 at the time), who bil and sil were letting run wild. we'd been to several family parties on the run-up to the wedding where he's pulled one old lady's hair; he'd pulled my skirt down and slapped my arse; he'd started food fights and other nice things like this. the main point was that sil and bil knew of all this and did nothing to discipline him at all. anyway, we were worried about how he'd be at the wedding and we didn't want mil and fil ending up as the ones who would look after him, which would have inevitably happened; we wanted them to have a grown-up stress-free day. therefore, we told the family that there were to be no kids except for bil and sil's other ds who was 5m. we were quite firm about it and bil actually agreed that ds1 would have probably been a pain and admitted he (bil) wouldn't want to get involved with sorting him ouit and missing parts of the wedding. weird, i know....but, anyway
we were a bit upset that some of your friends' kids, who we knew would behave well (as in not silent but not causing chaos or offence!) but we had to keep up the rule because of our nephew.

i have to say that now i think i'd be a bit more tolerant of kids at a wedding but i still think that it was bil's fault for not having any control over his ds1 at the time that caused the problem.

Original poster

Flossam · 24/02/2005 19:46

I don't really know the ins and outs. My DF said he didn't want to get into it. The only other child is less than a year, she can't come as having an operation soon after. Her mother is coming along on her own. I couldn't do that, I don't feel. Apparently DB feels really bad about it and really wants us to come, and they have been rowing about it, which is unheard of. Obviously I don't want them to fall out, but can't help feeling a bit negative towards his intended and her family.

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Original poster

Flossam · 24/02/2005 19:47

Moomin, like you said, you allowed the baby, so I don't think you are a monster!

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PuffTheMagicDragon · 24/02/2005 19:50

I think it's v v out of order . There seems to be no "opening the floodgates" issue concerning inviting children. Utterly thoughtless of whoever's decision this is.

Cod · 24/02/2005 19:52

Message withdrawn

LGJ · 24/02/2005 20:02

Flossam

Don't worry you can take your Ds to his next wedding, if they are that far out of sync it wont last long

Polina · 24/02/2005 20:17

So sorry to hear about this, Flossam. I'm sure your brother will realise what he's missing - hopefully before the wedding! We had a real issue with this at our wedding - I have a huge family, we got married quite late and had a very limited budget we had to make frightful decisions about kids, as we would have ended up with more kids than adults (not necessarily a problem) and none of our friends (big problem). What we did in the end was have siblings' kids but not others, and did a party for all the other kids when we came back from honeymoon; not a popular decision but it was all we could come up with.

Hope you chaps manage to work out a solution

WideWebWitch · 24/02/2005 20:19

ha ha LGJ at next wedding. Oh Flossam, I'm sorry that sanity has not prevailed.

hotmama · 24/02/2005 20:25

Flossam - hang on it's not like you are 5th cousin or that nice lady from the corner shop or whatever - you are his sister ffs!

If DB wants you all to come to the wedding then surely he should put his foot down and categorically state to his cow of a bride to be and her family that his dn is coming to ALL of the wedding. Does he not have any say in who he wants to invite to his wedding?

Is your db a bit of a girls blouse? He is going to have fun in married life!

Horrible position to be put in, especially as it is supposed to be a joyous occasion.

Caligula · 24/02/2005 20:27

Must say, I agree with Hotmama, your DB does sound like he's being a bit spineless. It's his wedding too isn't it? Or have weddings now moved on from being only about the happy couple to being only about the bride?

I do hope common sense prevails for you Flossam.

Original poster

Flossam · 24/02/2005 20:28

They are only getting married for her family, devout catholics, although they have been living together for years. DP is wondering if it could be something to do with DS being born out of wedlock? But then surely he would be boycotted from the whole thing. DB has apparently said he is feeling pressured from all sorts of angles and has basically had enough of it all .

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Dior · 24/02/2005 20:29

Message withdrawn

WideWebWitch · 24/02/2005 20:29

Let's hope he calls it off then. Silly moo (his bridezilla, not you).

gothicmama · 24/02/2005 20:35

I would be tempted to say just you will go and tehn all turn up on the day and say teh child minder you had booked was ill Have you spoken directly to your brother about this - maybe he is hoping you will all just turn up

Bozza · 24/02/2005 20:45

Sorry Flossam To me this does not make sense at all. At an evening party a baby is not going to make the slightest bit of difference with everyone chatting and dancing and the noise of the music. Its not like he's going to be playing tag on the dance floor is it? The very part where he could draw attention to himself (not saying he would because I'm sure you or DP would take him out) is the ceremony to which he is invited. Your SIL-2-be seems to have got everything turned on its head.

Freckle · 24/02/2005 21:06

Maybe she's so insecure that she feels having a gorgeous baby there will detract attention from her. Can't take the competition.

Dahlia · 24/02/2005 21:10

What a horrid situation for you to be in. Your brother sounds like he needs your support, but if you just turned up with your ds it could make things worse for him, and then that would upset you. God but weddings are a nightmare, never straightforward. That's why we had ours in the depths of scotland with 3 guests, to avoid family stress. Flossam, I really sympathise and hope you can sort it out, and hope you don't end up falling out completely with your brother.

Original poster

Flossam · 25/02/2005 18:21

Thanks for all your messages of support. I don't know what to think or who to be cross or not cross at IYSWIM. I think I would like to know the whole story. It is really getting me down, I've been feeling miserable all day, everything seems a bit too much today, and I'm sure this is playing on mu mind more than it should.

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LGJ · 25/02/2005 19:38

Can you meet your DB, just the two of you and discuss this logically, I do think it is a classic case of Bridezilla.

I am not being funny here, if you get the chance to meet, just the two of you, you should perhaps ask him if he thinks he is doing the right thing as it sounds to me as though he is being led around by the nose for the want of a better expression.

Original poster

Flossam · 28/02/2005 21:11

Just another update on this saga... it all seems to be spiralling out of control. Now my mum has said that she will only go to the service, not the reception. She says she feels slighted on my behalf and dosen't want to spend the evening with them. It is the bride who is causing the 'problem'. I've told mum that I don't want to be the cause of it all going wrong, and that I'd rather she went. But she says she dosen't want to. Also my step dads ex wife will be there, who both he and mum want to avoid. But she will now be the only person out of his family to be there. It seems such a shame.

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LGJ · 28/02/2005 21:14

Ok, at this stage I would stay out of it, as it sounds as though other peoples agendas are coming to the fore.

Talk to your bro if you can, but let other people make their own stands.

PuffTheMagicDragon · 28/02/2005 21:14

Oh dear Flossam .

Original poster

Flossam · 28/02/2005 22:00

Although I'm understanding now that it isn't him that wants this, I still don't feel that I can be positive about it all so I figure that at the moment I should just stay schmum. I completely see where you are coming from though LJG, thanks.

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Caligula · 28/02/2005 22:08

Oh your poor brother. It sounds like he's being steamrollered into having a wedding where he's just another guest! It doesn't sound like he's being allowed any decision-making powers at all! I have to admit to feeling sorry for him, even though he should put his foot down and demand his nuptial rights!

What an absolute bitch his bride sounds - sorry, but you don't start off your married life pissing off all your in-laws, unless it's really unavoidable. It sounds like she's effectively cutting off your brother from his own family.

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