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Original poster

is it only me finding it so bl**dy hard to explain the horribleness of the world to a 5 year old

50 replies

limecrush · 10/09/2008 12:12

Yesterday ds1 (age 5, constant questions) wanted to know why people die and don't come back and if I believed in God!! (I don't but didn't know how to say 'no there's no God and they don't come back...')

He has been picking up a lot of negative stuff from the news, seems to home in on it. He has been saying some funny/odd things, like claiming to have nearly drowned in the school pool yesterday (which I know from teacher didn't happen) and that he sat at the bottom for ages and didn't die. Poor little thing wants to be invincible

Makes me remember how much I couldn't understand death and the unreasonable shocks of the world when I was young. God having kids is so emotionally gutting even when they're 'being good'...

any tips on how I explain death/my disbelief in God to him?
x

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 10/09/2008 12:55

Al;though I do miss the sound of John Humpry's voice, it's lovely.

Original poster
limecrush · 10/09/2008 12:57

the DM you mean? absolutely

tell you what else gets to me, although they mean no harm- people actually bringing up stuff like Madeleine in front of the kids (think there have been several threads like this in the past actually)- 'isn't it awful, poor little girl only your son's age' etc etc, and ds1 listening avidly

but as I have clearly expected Today to go over his head, I can't complain too much. I really thought it was background noise in our house- it's my comforter (sob)

Suspect the news flashes on radio are also doing it, should talk to nanny (sigh)

OP posts:
Original poster
limecrush · 10/09/2008 12:58

yes what will I do without John and dear Evan

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WelliesAndPyjamas · 10/09/2008 13:03

Personally, I think it is healthier to let 5 yr olds learn about the good and bad things of the world from the start. It is the reality they'll need to live in for the rest of their lives. Better that it doesn't come as a big traumatic shock later in life.

We've never hidden death from 5 yr old DS. If an animal/bird has died then we let him see it and ask any questions he wants. This includes if the creature as killed by another one. IMO it's all part of understanding that when people or other creatures die, their bodies 'finish' or stop working and they don't come back.

Same goes for meat. He knows which animals meat comes from and how. Why not. He accepts it and still eats it, and if when he is older he decides that he doesn't like that concept after all, then at least he is fully informed.

Religion/God hasn't been something we've discussed so far because he hasn't asked. But he knows what churches and mosques are because they are buildings he sees a lot. When he wants to know what happens to them, we'll explain as best as possible.

I'm no expert but I think at this early stage in life kids are absorbing and accepting whatever they encounter in their world, so the more they learn this way the better.

Overmydeadbody · 10/09/2008 13:04

I think children really really shouldn't hear or see the news, it is not necessary and causes serious worry and upset.

The world is a great place, try to emphasise that to your DS.

With DS, with regards to God, I have explained that some people believe in him and some don't, that I think it is just a very old story and that he can believe whatever he wants.

With regards death, I'm afraid I take quite a matter of fact approach about this and just talk about life cycles, how all living things live and then die but the essence of their being goes on, talking about biodegrading, compost, nutrients in soil, and how when chickens die we eat their flesh to make new muscle and when people die (of old age, I don't want him worrying about early death) their bodies decompose and break down into the soil and are taken up by plants which are eaten by animals etc etc.). DS seems happy with this explanation but has decided for himself that he prefers the idea of re-incarnation.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 10/09/2008 13:04

Correction: what happens to in them [churches and mosques]

Oops

Overmydeadbody · 10/09/2008 13:05

I agree Wellies. DS does just accept the very matter of fact factual answers I give him to questions about the world.

misselizabethbennett · 10/09/2008 13:06

I keep the news away from DS (age 6) as much as possible.

DH is a staunch atheist and I am pretty much a non-believer, but I do tell DS that dead people go to heaven. We lost 2 relatives within 3 months (a couple) when DS was nearly 5, both of whom we'd seen quite a lot of recently. He got very upset about death for quite a few months, and still mentions it a lot now, although he doesn't get upset about it any more.

I was brought up catholic (as was DH) so we were both told that dead people went to heaven as children, and I don't think this is harmful to tell a child this, but I also talk about the circle of life and nature, and that being dead is a bit like before you were born.

He knows that some people don't believe in god, but thankfully has never asked me or DH directly if we do.

WideWebWitch · 10/09/2008 13:06

I think death, meat, religion are all fine to be discussed. What I think they don't need to hear is "A three year old girl nearly drowned this afternoon after playing in a puddle..." etc etc. You can imagine how a small mind interprets this stuff: if I play in a puddle I might drown, how do you know if a puddle is dangerous, is she in hospital for ever, etc etc.

For eg ds used to overhear me talking about getting fired and recently told me that he thought it meant I would be fired out of a cannon. I haven't ever been fired and I was joking as in "I'd better get off mn and do some work or I'll be fired" but nevertheless, they do have vivid imaginations for simple things and I think some of the horrors in the world are just not the kind of thing small children need to know about.

Overmydeadbody · 10/09/2008 13:07

why thankfully miss? Would you be uncomfortable telling him what you do and don't believe in?

Overmydeadbody · 10/09/2008 13:08

I agree WWW, they really don't need to hear the news in all its gory details.

Original poster
limecrush · 10/09/2008 13:11

hmm I am liking the 'life cycles' kind of explanation. Appeals to my pagan leanings lol

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PoorOldEnid · 10/09/2008 13:17

agree www

death, meat etc easier than children being taken from their beds or nearly drowning in puddles

they may as well hear 'the tooth fairy kidnaps mummy and daddy and leaves children alone'

vimfuego · 10/09/2008 13:24

This is a big reason people are religious I think. It means you don't have to deal with the horrible fact that as human beings we are all destined to die. The one thing all religions around the globe have in common is an afterlife myth.

SmugColditz · 10/09/2008 13:28

I tried the practical reality the day our cat dies.

Ds1 went absolutely FUCKING NUTS. Wanted me to keep the dead cat in the house and not bury him in the ground, or burn him at the vets

Screamed and screamed and screamed and sobbed in a manner I have NEVER seen before or since.

So, I told him I was taking the cat to a special cat graveyard, where he would be buried and that night, all the cats that he been buried there will come from heaven to collect him and he will go to heaven to play with his new cat friends, and he will have tuna for tea every day. It was a complete desperate fabrication.

And this was accepted. And I would quite like that to be true myself.

Original poster
limecrush · 10/09/2008 13:31

oh Colditz, your poor ds1

OP posts:
Original poster
limecrush · 10/09/2008 13:31

I think that was a very good fabrication in the circs.

OP posts:
SmugColditz · 10/09/2008 13:33

he was so so sad, and now pretends that he doesn't remember Tom at all (I know he does)

OrmIrian · 10/09/2008 13:34

We had emotional meltdown in our house too colditz, the day our cat was put to sleep. Floods of tears (from all of us ) but in the end we buried her in the garden and we all watched. Perhaps that was your DS's way of accepting the reality of death - it is a horrible reality and there is no way of making it easier - and now he will be more comfortable with it?

SmugColditz · 10/09/2008 13:35

He is very very comforted by the notion that although Tom won't come back, Tom is happy now. They just don't understand "Gone forever", indeed, most adults don't grasp it very well.

SmugColditz · 10/09/2008 13:36

He is very very comforted by the notion that although Tom won't come back, Tom is happy now. They just don't understand "Gone forever", indeed, most adults don't grasp it very well.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 10/09/2008 13:36

but can't we use the real yet horrible items of news to help our kids learn how to look after themselves? example, a story about a child drowning could be used to illustrate how we have to be always careful near water, stay near adults, learn to swim, etc etc. (I don't know the exact circs of that story so no insensitivity intended btw)

Scarletibis · 10/09/2008 13:36

I must admit that even though I'm agnostic and DH is atheist we do say that 'people go to heaven when they die'.

I think as they get older we will discuss the fact that different people believe different things.

SmugColditz · 10/09/2008 13:38

It was the point at which I tried to bury the cat that ds1 really got hysterical.

God, I myself cried for weeks, still teary nearly a year later.

wotnopulling · 10/09/2008 13:45

death i can cope with, accidents i can explain... but cruelty and suffering i have a real problem with. i dread my dds first exposure to these things.
I've been really upset at the reports of the 17 month old who died in haringey - mum, boyf and other adult up in court for it. if I find it too horrible to dwell on how can lo cope?
i'm a journalist so no news in our house is not really an option (also don't want them growing up living in a bubble - but easy for me to say at this point as neither of mine can read. i guess i'll stick to 'quality' papers and not leave tabs or rubbish mags lying around) but i switch off pretty sharpish when some stuff comes on.

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