AIBU for wanting grandparents to treat kids equally

[HardRockLife]

Hi all, looking for advice/need to vent/ need to clear my head.
My partner (we’ll call him Adam, age 32) and I (F 25) have been together for over 3 years. We met with kids from previous relationships. I have R (F age 4, who was 1 when we met) and Adam has M (F 7, who was 4 when we met).

R’s bio father is not involved in her life in any way shape or form. We have M 50/50 with her mother.

When Adam and I got together, his parents were absolutely lovely, took to R amazingly, everything was perfect… until… 6 months later. MIL seemingly hit menopause and went 0-100 out of absolutely nowhere. We had just moved into a house together as our newly formed, blended family of 4, we’d been in 2 weeks. (I know it sounds way too fast but without completely overloading this post - it was perfect timing for us). MIL went on about how M would grow up to hate Adam, R was a spoiled brat who we would run to when she cried but when M was naughty we pushed her away (we did not, R was barely a toddler, M got time out when misbehaving), said our house was disgusting etc etc. it was devastating. This caused a time period of 8 months to pass, in which they made amends with M’s mother (whom they had hated and complained about for yearrrrrs) bought M Christmas and birthday presents and completely left out R.
I want to make this part clear - Adam is the only father figure R has ever known and made it clear to family that he wishes to be her Dad and for all intent and purposes - she is his.

I pushed for this rift to be mended as FIL is much older and may not have lots of time left. We met up, MIL and FIL said they were sorry, that they wish they could take back the things they said. Adam said R is his, and that we come as a package, a family. They said “okay son, if that’s what you’ve decided we’ll accept that”.

WELLLLL…. There have been a few blips, where they bypass Adam and go straight to M’s mother to just have M and not R. That’s not terrible in my eyes, just not ideal that they’re sneaking behind Adam’s back to do it. But then came a spiteful message where FIL intentionally said “it would’ve been nice to see our granddaughter” singular, not plural. And it was to get a rise out of Adam. This occurred because FIL is not in the best of health, has been somewhat housebound, MIL and FIL are having a tough time in regards to wanting to move and things keep falling through - Adam said that we’d pop over over the weekend. Unfortunately we did not, as it was a weekend in which friends wanted to make plans with us and the girls and we took them out and had a wonderful time as we are coming to the end of the summer holidays.

Adam was furious that R had been left out again. He however, politely messaged back saying sorry that we didn’t make it over but we had a busy weekend and that he would excuse the comment because he could understand maybe his Dad was feeling frustrated.
However there was no apology from FIL for intentionally leaving R out, and this upset Adam greatly.
yesterday he went and spoke to FIL, and it did not go well at all from what I’ve heard. MIL and FIL feel that they should be able to ask us to just have M as they want to spoil her rotten sometimes, and that because they have “history” with M they have a stronger relationship with her and that she deserves some 1:1 with them. There were raised voices and things were left sourly.

This morning Adam gets a message from his younger sister (nearly 30 and heavily pregnant with first child) IN THE FAMILY GROUPCHAT essentially saying that just because he has chosen to be R’s Dad - the family are not obligated to feel the same way, she will never see R as a niece, that I have lost her respect for allowing Adam to go and speak with their dad when he’s elderly and ill, that we’re selfish/ self absorbed and that she wants nothing to do with Adam now.

Adam is devastated. I think it’s wrong for the younger sister to get involved off the back of 1 side of the story. I think it was wrong for her to put him on blast in a group chat. I think it’s wrong that they expect us to drop 1 child to them and not the other when we have both (how do you explain that to a child?) so not letting one see MIL and FIL.

Adam has told FIL and MIL if they only want to have M then they should go through M’s mother to have her as he doesn’t want R excluded on the days we have both girls.

MIL and FIL argue that because they had M lots when Adam and M’s mother were together that it’s not fair that they not get to do that now - however Adam only has M 50% of the time and she’s also now in school - which reduces the time we have with her already, he loves being a dad and spending time with the girls.

I don’t know how to support Adam through this and I know I’ll be being blamed by his family for this. Adam was simply defending a 4 year old little girls right to not be excluded from the only family she’s ever known and that it’s not her fault that they don’t recognise her as family purely due to the fact of biology. I am devastated for him that his sister is cutting him off when she’s about to have a baby and that she told him she’d be contacting his ex wife to make sure that M gets to meet baby, but clearly implying he won’t get to meet the baby.

I don’t understand why they can’t treat the children equally.

I'm with you OP
You have made it clear to the GPs that you want both children treated equally so they really need to respect your wishes and suck it up. And the SIL shouldn't interfere.
I'm very sorry your partner has been put in this position but good on him for standing his ground and supporting his new family.

Since they do not in fact need to do what OP and DP want but can instead go via DSDs DM, this is wishful thinking. The only way to give sensible advice to OP is to start from the position that she's not in charge here.

But they don’t need to. And they aren’t.

He’s not your daughter’s father though. In the eyes of the law he’s nothing. He doesn’t have PR, and the children are not related in the eyes of the law.
It’s all too much. Your DP needs to take a step back and stop trying to force a relationship between your DD and his parents that isn’t there. Telling them they can’t see their granddaughter unless they also see your daughter is awful and isn’t going to help relationships at all.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with blended families, half siblings, step siblings etc. My DD is in 2 blended families but she only has one mother and one father. The partners she calls by their first names, not ‘mum’ or ‘dad’. Has done for most of her life. My other DD has a stepdaughter whom I’m very fond of, but she’s not my granddaughter, she calls me by my first name and we get in great.

Completely and utterly agree with you. Coming fro. a very similar situation to yours.

They arent siblings because you say so or the OP or her partner.

They are two children living together on a part time basis because of the romantic relationship between their parents.

It isn't for any adults in a blended family to tell the kids what they are to each other. Its for them to decide how they view each other.

Stepping back, you have to go to the trigger here. Somehow at this blow up point, it appears that your in-laws believe that your partner is favouring your biological daughter over his own, and to the detriment of his own daughter - you both need to get to the bottom of this and understand what triggered this belief and then work out how you resolve this with them - rather than just keep forcing the issue of your daughter status.

Fundamentally, that seems to be driving all of this behaviour, rather them specifically having beef with you/your daughter. if you push on the wrong thing here, it becomes about you and your daughter which will be very hard to shift and resolve further down the line.

This nails it.
It sounds as if his parents have changed in attitude to your child because they perceive favouritism from you both to her instead of their son understanding his own child and putting her first. Sounds like you have both neglected her needs and feelings in your absolute rush to live together and you try to downplay this aspect and ask for it not to be considered when it sounds central to causing the change. You can’t pretend to be an innocent bystander in this, especially with your hypocrisy over the grandparents seeing the girls solo. The grandparents did attempt to be equal but something in your joint parenting stopped this and don’t pretend your views are not central to everything he is doing and saying in his attempt to keep you happy first and foremost, over even his own very young child. You sound manipulative and he sounds naive and not too much of a decent father to his own offspring. How rude to blame the fears and frustrations of his own parents on menopause and meanness.

Me too. Utterly gross. I must live in a differenr world. Lots going on about "too soon". The child has been around them for 3 years, their adult son has accepted this little vulnerable person as his, and any person with compassion would work towards doing this too. Its especially baffling because they are still getting time with their bio grandchild alone by all accounts.

And for the "blood is thicker than water" crowd, the actual saying is "the blood of the covern is thicker than the water of the womb" i.e. kinship is stronger than family.

My parents were definitely not the best. However,they treated my stepdaughter with equal care as their biological grandchildren for which I’ll always be grateful. I wouldn’t have accepted any other way.
A child’s emotions are far more important than adults.
Please don’t accept anything less .

I see your point but you say " their adult son has accepted this little vulnerable person as his" - but actually, from what OP has said, it seems that legally he hasn't. I don't think he has parental responsibility for the child. Living with a partner who has a child is very different from taking on a child as your own. If, heaven forbid, anything were to happen to OP - would she want her daughter to continue living with her partner or would she go to other relatives? If the OP and her partner split would she still want her daughter to be spending time with her ex and his family?

You said the in-laws are blended family? How so? Is one of the parents not biologically your partners? If that's the case, I'd be petty and well FIL M isn't really your grandchild as you aren't partners bio dad!

But then that is my level petty 😊

So your mother can have one child because of Illness? Your inlaws cannot?

What would OP and DP not accepting that look like, in this specific situation?

Bloody hell.