AIBU for wanting grandparents to treat kids equally

[HardRockLife]

Hi all, looking for advice/need to vent/ need to clear my head.
My partner (we’ll call him Adam, age 32) and I (F 25) have been together for over 3 years. We met with kids from previous relationships. I have R (F age 4, who was 1 when we met) and Adam has M (F 7, who was 4 when we met).

R’s bio father is not involved in her life in any way shape or form. We have M 50/50 with her mother.

When Adam and I got together, his parents were absolutely lovely, took to R amazingly, everything was perfect… until… 6 months later. MIL seemingly hit menopause and went 0-100 out of absolutely nowhere. We had just moved into a house together as our newly formed, blended family of 4, we’d been in 2 weeks. (I know it sounds way too fast but without completely overloading this post - it was perfect timing for us). MIL went on about how M would grow up to hate Adam, R was a spoiled brat who we would run to when she cried but when M was naughty we pushed her away (we did not, R was barely a toddler, M got time out when misbehaving), said our house was disgusting etc etc. it was devastating. This caused a time period of 8 months to pass, in which they made amends with M’s mother (whom they had hated and complained about for yearrrrrs) bought M Christmas and birthday presents and completely left out R.
I want to make this part clear - Adam is the only father figure R has ever known and made it clear to family that he wishes to be her Dad and for all intent and purposes - she is his.

I pushed for this rift to be mended as FIL is much older and may not have lots of time left. We met up, MIL and FIL said they were sorry, that they wish they could take back the things they said. Adam said R is his, and that we come as a package, a family. They said “okay son, if that’s what you’ve decided we’ll accept that”.

WELLLLL…. There have been a few blips, where they bypass Adam and go straight to M’s mother to just have M and not R. That’s not terrible in my eyes, just not ideal that they’re sneaking behind Adam’s back to do it. But then came a spiteful message where FIL intentionally said “it would’ve been nice to see our granddaughter” singular, not plural. And it was to get a rise out of Adam. This occurred because FIL is not in the best of health, has been somewhat housebound, MIL and FIL are having a tough time in regards to wanting to move and things keep falling through - Adam said that we’d pop over over the weekend. Unfortunately we did not, as it was a weekend in which friends wanted to make plans with us and the girls and we took them out and had a wonderful time as we are coming to the end of the summer holidays.

Adam was furious that R had been left out again. He however, politely messaged back saying sorry that we didn’t make it over but we had a busy weekend and that he would excuse the comment because he could understand maybe his Dad was feeling frustrated.
However there was no apology from FIL for intentionally leaving R out, and this upset Adam greatly.
yesterday he went and spoke to FIL, and it did not go well at all from what I’ve heard. MIL and FIL feel that they should be able to ask us to just have M as they want to spoil her rotten sometimes, and that because they have “history” with M they have a stronger relationship with her and that she deserves some 1:1 with them. There were raised voices and things were left sourly.

This morning Adam gets a message from his younger sister (nearly 30 and heavily pregnant with first child) IN THE FAMILY GROUPCHAT essentially saying that just because he has chosen to be R’s Dad - the family are not obligated to feel the same way, she will never see R as a niece, that I have lost her respect for allowing Adam to go and speak with their dad when he’s elderly and ill, that we’re selfish/ self absorbed and that she wants nothing to do with Adam now.

Adam is devastated. I think it’s wrong for the younger sister to get involved off the back of 1 side of the story. I think it was wrong for her to put him on blast in a group chat. I think it’s wrong that they expect us to drop 1 child to them and not the other when we have both (how do you explain that to a child?) so not letting one see MIL and FIL.

Adam has told FIL and MIL if they only want to have M then they should go through M’s mother to have her as he doesn’t want R excluded on the days we have both girls.

MIL and FIL argue that because they had M lots when Adam and M’s mother were together that it’s not fair that they not get to do that now - however Adam only has M 50% of the time and she’s also now in school - which reduces the time we have with her already, he loves being a dad and spending time with the girls.

I don’t know how to support Adam through this and I know I’ll be being blamed by his family for this. Adam was simply defending a 4 year old little girls right to not be excluded from the only family she’s ever known and that it’s not her fault that they don’t recognise her as family purely due to the fact of biology. I am devastated for him that his sister is cutting him off when she’s about to have a baby and that she told him she’d be contacting his ex wife to make sure that M gets to meet baby, but clearly implying he won’t get to meet the baby.

I don’t understand why they can’t treat the children equally.

But they aren’t her grandparents? No matter what your partner says she isn’t their grandchild or niece. And M isn’t her sister just because they live together half the week.
Did they agree to being called grandma (or whatever their name is) by your daughter? Did you actually ask them or just start using it? Your partner isn’t her father, not biologically or legally so if you split up would have no rights to see her again.
They should be allowed to see their granddaughter alone without your child. And they don’t have to treat them equally because they aren’t, they aren’t related to your child.

It’s just the way some people are. I have step, adopted and biological neices and newphews but love them all the same.
My parents love them all to but there is a distinction in their mind with the step children. Step children often have additional grandparents so there isn’t such a need anyway. Biology is very strong, sometimes you can’t fight it. Personally I know I could never love a step child as much as I love my own children.

I am devastated for him that his sister is cutting him off when she’s about to have a baby and that she told him she’d be contacting his ex wife to make sure that M gets to meet baby, but clearly implying he won’t get to meet the baby.
I missed this, so your actions and demands really have caused a rift in the family if it's led to his sister going NC!
Did you/partner state no M with out R for his family @HardRockLife ? sounds like it.

I haven’t demanded anything. My partner is the one who keeps noticing indifferences in treatment and calls it out. I’m not following how I am to blame for my partner pointing things out that he’s noticed.

I just want to say something as it seems people think I am demanding that they aren’t allowed to see M without R.
This is NOT the case. My partner is the one who has been upset by differences he’s noticed and he’s the one who’s called things out. Not because I have asked him/“demanded” he do so.

But that is it it can’t have done can it? Things like this don’t just appear.

My advice is to have some serious self reflection because you are part of this you are not a passenger in this story - all of your version is very much what others have done to you but nothing about your behaviour or your partners in all of this.

These things DON’T just happen out of nowhere there would have been signs etc

because most of it seems to spring from the fact that there is a belief R is prioritised a belief that ironically is reinforced at every turn because as time has gone on it is exactly what you are doing isn’t it? Whether or not the initial fallout had any truth to it it certainly does now.

I understand that your life would be easier if they accepted R but many people in their shoes wouldn’t because if this relationship ended, they’d never see R again. I suspect that the fallout opened their eyes to this. While it’s great that your partner treats R like his dd, you should have been more cautious with his family so she wasn’t so attached. While I get the point that you wanted paternal extended family for her, they aren’t really her family and in most cases, they would have ended up favouring M down the line.

I think that MIL is completely in the right to go through M’s mum for contact because it will mean that R and Adam won’t know about it so there’s no drama or hurt feelings. M gets to see her aunt and paternal grandmother and R won’t know about these meetings so won’t have her feelings hurt.

My step niece is every bit as much of my niece as my other nieces/nephews. I think it’s weird to only include “blood” relatives as family, especially children. If he adopts her will their attitude change? If the two of you adopt a child together would they never accept that child either?

They sound pretty unpleasant to me and the sister sounds no better 🙄

Alot of a drama in a short space of time. I suspect their alot more information left out. Moving in together and merging two children after 6 months is unfair and from your pp M had a few meltdowns and grandparents commented and seemed concerned of her behaviour towards her father likely jealously of a baby taking the attention away from her and a new baby not related to him living with her dad.

I can see why as grandparents they would want to help support their grandchild and enable her to have quality time with her grandparents not having to include a step child who already takes time away from her df. You are being massively unreasonable and your sil is 100percent right.

Your mother cant manage both dc so only takes one complete double standards. Your fil is ill and might find the older child easier than a bouncing 4 year old. But it sounds like all or nothing with you. You arent married and don't have a child together the relationship may not last 3 years is nothing.

Thank you all for taking the time to comment, I will sit down and talk to my partner tonight about where we go from here.
I am going to try and put my view across that MIL and FIL going though M’s mother to see her on her own isn’t a bad thing, as it’s actually quite fair as R will be none the wiser that she’s not been invited too.

I just want to stress again - at no point have I wanted the in laws not to see M, we were taking the children over to see them both semi regularly until Adam and FIL fell out. It has also been the summer holidays and we’ve been trying to do lots with them which has lead to us perhaps not prioritising going and seeing family.

Thanks again

I think you/your partner need to be realistic here to be honest.

You can choose to blend families but your daughter is not and will never be their grandchild. That’s just a fact, it’s not unreasonable for the children to be treated differently and have different relationships with his parents. By trying to force them to be treated “equally” you’re being really unfair.

I think his sister can go jump with her spewing hate, I wouldn’t want to make up if I were your partner. Maybe once she’s a mum she will recognise that children are precious. Imagine being so resistant to the idea of a blended family in 2025.

Wow you might want to take some of your own advice. What a disgusting thing to say.

I think YABU.

Your daughter is not their granddaughter, no matter what your boyfriend intends to do or thinks of her. They don’t want to treat her as a granddaughter and they clearly aren’t going to. Your daughter has her own grandmother which is great.

I think you should only take R and M to spend time with your mother when you or your boyfriend are available to support your mum if she can’t manage both of them. I think complaining about the other grandmother whilst doing the same thing yourself is going to cause an even bigger fall out.

"But then came a spiteful message where FIL intentionally said “it would’ve been nice to see our granddaughter” singular, not plural. And it was to get a rise out of Adam. This occurred because FIL is not in the best of health, has been somewhat housebound, MIL and FIL are having a tough time..."
I think you might have messed up here, OP.
There is no reason to assume that your FiL was trying to get a rise out of your partner. He is old and so unwell he is housebound. And your partner has gone over to berate him because he expressed his sadness at missing out on seeing his granddaughter? Because he failed to express equal disappoinment at not also seeing his son's step daughter?
I think your SiL has reason to be angry with your partner.
Let your FiL enjoy his granddaughter without seeing their realtionship as a veiled attack on your daughter.

Another example of the principle that you can make your own choices about blending a family, but you can't make your relatives feel the same.

You had moved in together within 6 months at which point quite frankly the girls should not even have met. Im not surprised your MiL was concerned about everything and from the sound of things she's right.

I wonder if the GP's would feel differently if you were married and you H adopted your daughter? Adoption is 'forever', he actually would be her father and responsible for her until she was 18 whether you stayed together or not

Despite having only heard your side of this, I'm in total agreement with your SIL.

I would seriously urge you & your partner to realise that you have both been very very unreasonable here. Especially towards M and your FIL.

Your in-laws should be kind to R but they are under no obligation to love her or to treat her the same as whilst she is an extended member of their family she simply isn't their grandchild.

Let's hope you both see sense and allow M to have a close relationship with MiL and FiL (before he even sicker or passes away).

He's not even her step father yet you're trying to insist she be treated like his full child. Awful. This is all on you, no matter how much you try and distance yourself from it. Your boyfriend's family feel how the vast majority would in their shoes.

In the end, you can't make them love a child who isn't their grandchild. It has to come from them.

This is really very understandable from your in laws.

you blended very quickly. You’re not married. And your partner hasn’t adopted your child. If you split tomorrow he would have no right to ever see her again. And neither would his family.

she isn’t their grandchild. Or niece.

if he wants her to be then he should adopt her.

So your daughter gets 1-1 time with your mum but M isn’t allowed the same with her grandparents?

Essentially you are saying you want DPs parents to treat your child as their granddaughter as you come as a package deal and for all intents and purposes your DP is your daughters father.
However, in this post you mention that your daughter only goes to your mum's house when your DPs daughter is not with you.
So, you want his parents to view both children as equal and have the children over together, but you don't seem to expect the same from your mum?

I think you and your DP are in the wrong. As long as the girls are treated fairly and equally when they're together at family occasions – i.e. when everyone's present – there's nothing wrong with in-laws having 1-1 time with M every now and then, while R goes to your mum's. The fact is M is their blood granddaughter/niece and R isn't and trying to force them to think otherwise isn't going to work.

Incidentally, does R act like a spoiled brat? What is the girls relationship like? Your MIL didn't pluck that from nowhere, so I wonder if M's said something? You did move in together really quickly.