AIBU for wanting grandparents to treat kids equally

[HardRockLife]

Hi all, looking for advice/need to vent/ need to clear my head.
My partner (we’ll call him Adam, age 32) and I (F 25) have been together for over 3 years. We met with kids from previous relationships. I have R (F age 4, who was 1 when we met) and Adam has M (F 7, who was 4 when we met).

R’s bio father is not involved in her life in any way shape or form. We have M 50/50 with her mother.

When Adam and I got together, his parents were absolutely lovely, took to R amazingly, everything was perfect… until… 6 months later. MIL seemingly hit menopause and went 0-100 out of absolutely nowhere. We had just moved into a house together as our newly formed, blended family of 4, we’d been in 2 weeks. (I know it sounds way too fast but without completely overloading this post - it was perfect timing for us). MIL went on about how M would grow up to hate Adam, R was a spoiled brat who we would run to when she cried but when M was naughty we pushed her away (we did not, R was barely a toddler, M got time out when misbehaving), said our house was disgusting etc etc. it was devastating. This caused a time period of 8 months to pass, in which they made amends with M’s mother (whom they had hated and complained about for yearrrrrs) bought M Christmas and birthday presents and completely left out R.
I want to make this part clear - Adam is the only father figure R has ever known and made it clear to family that he wishes to be her Dad and for all intent and purposes - she is his.

I pushed for this rift to be mended as FIL is much older and may not have lots of time left. We met up, MIL and FIL said they were sorry, that they wish they could take back the things they said. Adam said R is his, and that we come as a package, a family. They said “okay son, if that’s what you’ve decided we’ll accept that”.

WELLLLL…. There have been a few blips, where they bypass Adam and go straight to M’s mother to just have M and not R. That’s not terrible in my eyes, just not ideal that they’re sneaking behind Adam’s back to do it. But then came a spiteful message where FIL intentionally said “it would’ve been nice to see our granddaughter” singular, not plural. And it was to get a rise out of Adam. This occurred because FIL is not in the best of health, has been somewhat housebound, MIL and FIL are having a tough time in regards to wanting to move and things keep falling through - Adam said that we’d pop over over the weekend. Unfortunately we did not, as it was a weekend in which friends wanted to make plans with us and the girls and we took them out and had a wonderful time as we are coming to the end of the summer holidays.

Adam was furious that R had been left out again. He however, politely messaged back saying sorry that we didn’t make it over but we had a busy weekend and that he would excuse the comment because he could understand maybe his Dad was feeling frustrated.
However there was no apology from FIL for intentionally leaving R out, and this upset Adam greatly.
yesterday he went and spoke to FIL, and it did not go well at all from what I’ve heard. MIL and FIL feel that they should be able to ask us to just have M as they want to spoil her rotten sometimes, and that because they have “history” with M they have a stronger relationship with her and that she deserves some 1:1 with them. There were raised voices and things were left sourly.

This morning Adam gets a message from his younger sister (nearly 30 and heavily pregnant with first child) IN THE FAMILY GROUPCHAT essentially saying that just because he has chosen to be R’s Dad - the family are not obligated to feel the same way, she will never see R as a niece, that I have lost her respect for allowing Adam to go and speak with their dad when he’s elderly and ill, that we’re selfish/ self absorbed and that she wants nothing to do with Adam now.

Adam is devastated. I think it’s wrong for the younger sister to get involved off the back of 1 side of the story. I think it was wrong for her to put him on blast in a group chat. I think it’s wrong that they expect us to drop 1 child to them and not the other when we have both (how do you explain that to a child?) so not letting one see MIL and FIL.

Adam has told FIL and MIL if they only want to have M then they should go through M’s mother to have her as he doesn’t want R excluded on the days we have both girls.

MIL and FIL argue that because they had M lots when Adam and M’s mother were together that it’s not fair that they not get to do that now - however Adam only has M 50% of the time and she’s also now in school - which reduces the time we have with her already, he loves being a dad and spending time with the girls.

I don’t know how to support Adam through this and I know I’ll be being blamed by his family for this. Adam was simply defending a 4 year old little girls right to not be excluded from the only family she’s ever known and that it’s not her fault that they don’t recognise her as family purely due to the fact of biology. I am devastated for him that his sister is cutting him off when she’s about to have a baby and that she told him she’d be contacting his ex wife to make sure that M gets to meet baby, but clearly implying he won’t get to meet the baby.

I don’t understand why they can’t treat the children equally.

First replay nails it…

All of these replies are baffling me. I can’t understand why you all think the grandparents not having a genetic link to R trumps a little girl’s feelings on being excluded from family. Your partner needs to formally adopt R and hopefully put an end to this. Yes genetics is important in family, but so is love and you can choose to love and include someone, especially a child. This is how people build families through donor conception, through fostering and adopting. It’s not unreasonable for them to recognise the blended family as an actual unit if Adam has requested. That’s my feeling anyway OP.

But your elderly and somewhat unwell in the case of FIL in-laws can't have the same privilege? There's a big difference looking after a 7 yr old to a 4 yr old?

I think your husband is admirable in his principles to treat them both as his bio children but you are both possibly being a little inflexible in your thinking. Not least if "you all come as a package" that means you need to go with him every time he goes to see his parents and do a few chores for them. Bigger picture?

Because they do.

It's fine to think their views and behaviour are unreasonable. But they cannot ultimately be made to consider OPs DD as their own. There are a loooot of threads on here about what happens when people pretend they have a choice about that.

I’d have no issue if Adam had actually adopted the child. Because that is an actual legal link that means that if they split the little girl will still be his child.

the fact that he hasn’t done this speaks volumes.

Well because the reality is, if they split they wouldn't be sorting out contact arrangements with each other's kids. If they split, OP's boyfriend wouldn't be walking the child down the aisle. Because he isn't her father.

Yes, moving in within the blink of an eye and taking no legal responsibility for a child is not the same as an adoption.

Your daughter is not their Granddaughter why would they ask to have her?

The sooner you come to terms with this the better. Just because your daughters Father and subsequently her Fathers parents aren’t in her life doesn’t mean you get to decide these new people are now her Grandparents.

You and your partner have chosen to take on each others children. It was your choice. That doesn’t mean you get to force other people to take on a new child as their family member.

Harsh but true.

Your comment about MIL hitting menopause is hugely patronising, you lost my respect at that point.

You've rushed into this relationship. Your daughter was only 1 when you met, and only a couple of years later he has assumed the relationship of father and the two of you have also forced that on the rest of his family. Many people would not have even introduced their new boyfriend to their child for a year, let alone moved in together and talked about adoption.

I can see some meaning in the PIL’s comment about M growing to resent her dad. He lives with another child all the time but she only gets him 50% of the time. You also want her to share her grandparents and aunt with a child they are not related to.

He can choose to be R’s father but the rest of the family don’t need to make the same choice. That sort of close relationship needs to build over time. You haven’t given it time, you’ve forced it and in response they have backed away.

You’re both now also causing a divide in the family by kicking up a fuss. Like your SIL, I would be furious if someone had a go at my sick father in the way your partner has.

If you want to repair this damaged relationship, let your own daughter maintain a relationship with your own mother. Let M maintain a relationship with her own grandparents. The two girls don’t need to mix with each side. How you treat them in your own home is up to you. Raise them as sisters if you want to, but respect the fact that wider family have their own relationship with each.

Why do you even want your child to have a relationship with people who don’t see her as family?

They're under no obligation to play along with the farce that you're all one family instead of forcing two families together under one roof.

They won't treat them the same because they don't feel the same about them.
Naturally.

When your child has a child there is a deep and emotional connection to this grandchild.

When you are introduced to your child's new partners child, they are just a child you are not related to.
You may grow very fond of them and you should be kind to them but it isn't the same as being your own grandchild.

Your DP is being unreasonable in wanting his parents to pretend it's the same.
He should let them have their relationship with their own grandchild separately, and additionally have times when they are all together.

You should be encouraging the girls to understand the different relationships across a blended family don't mean anyone is loved most or better, but they have differing relationships with their own grandparents.

Tbh your DP trying to force this on his parents suggests he's not comfortable with the fact he's not her father.
He doesn't want this truth acknowledged and wants it hidden.

But it's a truth. He's not. She has a father, who she never sees.

Your DP is a step father. Which can be a beautiful thing, particularly over years of consistent love and dedication.

But he's not her father and they're not her grandparents even if he forces them to pretend they are.

Too long and this is not Reddit.
But your child is not their grandchild. They are not obliged to treat them as if they are. Nor should you let it drive a wedge between your DP and his family.
You're not even married for goodness sake. You've blended very quickly and confused the children, nobody else has to go along with it.

This. My parents were heartbroken when my sister’s longtime partner dumped her and they never saw his children, whom they’d bonded with as their grandchildren for eight years, again. Another sister is now married to a man with children from a previous marriage, and they’re being much more guarded. If the marriage ends, so does their relationship with the children. I don’t blame them in the least for regarding them as temporary visitors in their lives.

What was the state of your DP relationship with his parents before this as most of this seems to be driven by him (which is in this situations unusual)

I had similar. When I divorced nieces and nephews who I’d loved and treated as my nieces and nephews were taken away. It was emotionally difficult. I won’t do that again.

OP I think it's reasonable for you to expect your partner's family to be warm and friendly towards you and your daughter, but she isn't their grandchild/niece. Obviously if your partner adopts her then that's a different situation - but from their perspective she's the daughter of their son's partner who he has lived with for only 2.5 years. You want them to view her as family but your partner hasn't taken the legal steps to make that so.

And you've only been together 3 years in total. That might seem like a long time at age 25, and I appreciate it's the majority of your daughter's life, but 3 years is not a long time. And the reality is your daughter's presence in their lives is completely conditional on your relationship with their son (unless he goes down the adoption route).

I'd hazard a guess that DD having no relationship with her bio father has something to do with it. Usually does, in these threads.

The girls aren’t treated the same though. His relationship with your biological daughter is fundamentally different than his own because he lives with her full time. Your initial post mentions the attitude shifted when you moved in together. There is a huge difference between dating and living with another person’s child. The child that doesn’t get as much time with the parent can feel replaced or feel resentful of the closet relationship. You mention the ILs expressing these concerns, but completely dismiss them. Is it possible they are just trying to make sure that the daughter feels like she has not lost anything with her father’s relationship?

The girls should be treated the same under your roof but they aren’t the same really. You and your partner would understandably save your own dd in a life and death situation because that’s the child you will always feel a deeper connection to.
The girls have different lives and that’s ok. You can’t (and shouldn’t ) fix the differences outside your home as long as everyone is at least polite to the other girl.

I think at the end of the day, you're either the type of person who thinks blood doesn't matter, or you are the opposite, and you and your inlaws are on opposite sides of this split.

You and your partner have blended your families (regardless of if other people think it's too fast) and you are trying to build a family unit together. Your partner is choosing to stick up for you and both children he looks after, which is commendable. Being reserved with your emotions and drawing lines of separation will only create rifts that get worse over time. You also cannot help that he has 50/50 custody - as previous posters have said this will obviously come with its own challenges, but you can't help that.

The only way you can really support your partner is to listen to him and back up whatever approach he wants to take with his family, which it sounds like you are doing. He, his parents and his sister are all adults and can talk through their issues if and when they want to try to get past them. And for the four of you, just focus on building a life you are happy with.

For what it's worth, I always work on the "but what if it works out" assumption. I have step grandparents, one of whom treated me perfectly normally and one of whom where there was always a slight line drawn and children can absolutely feel it. One died when I was in my late 20s and the other is still in my life, so these are (hopefully) long lasting relationships. Similar happened with my now FIL - they assumed I was a university girlfriend and made such little effort with me at the start that now, 11 years later, both mine and my partner's relationship with him isn't as close as he'd like (again because my then-bf chose to stick up for me against the shitty treatment I experienced when they thought I was probably a transient part of their lives).

I think your dp needs to tone it down a bit.
He's isolating his family with his insistence that a child who isn't his should be treated exactly the same as one who is.
He went round to their home and got into an argument with his unwell, housebound father. Other people can't be controlled and made to feel what you want them too. I think it's probably a good idea for his parents to just see M on mums time and for you all to take a breather from each other.

Can your DP adopt your daughter if her biological dad has no contact? Would he give permission for DP to do this? Would DP want to, and do you think you'll get married.
I can kind of understand the ILs having more of a connection with a biological grandchild, especially if they think if you were ever to split up they may never see her again.
That being said they should not be cruel or unkind.
But I think you and your partner getting married and DP adopting your DD would give their relationship permancy, which may change ILs behaviour.
What DPs sister said was just uncalled for.

just because he has chosen to be R’s Dad - the family are not obligated to feel the same way, she will never see R as a niece

Her comment is true and fair. As other posters have said, he’s not her dad, you’re not married so haven’t legally committed to each other and he hasn’t adopted her so he’s just her mum’s boyfriend. No parental responsibility, no legal right to contact with her if you two split up.

He needs to seriously get some perspective and stop overreacting. They haven’t been cruel to your child they just value their relationship with their actual grandchild and don’t want to feel they’re being forced to treat the girls exactly the same.

When you talk to him tell him to chill the flip out.

Does he not want a relationship with his sister and his new niece/nephew?