AIBU for wanting grandparents to treat kids equally

[HardRockLife]

Hi all, looking for advice/need to vent/ need to clear my head.
My partner (we’ll call him Adam, age 32) and I (F 25) have been together for over 3 years. We met with kids from previous relationships. I have R (F age 4, who was 1 when we met) and Adam has M (F 7, who was 4 when we met).

R’s bio father is not involved in her life in any way shape or form. We have M 50/50 with her mother.

When Adam and I got together, his parents were absolutely lovely, took to R amazingly, everything was perfect… until… 6 months later. MIL seemingly hit menopause and went 0-100 out of absolutely nowhere. We had just moved into a house together as our newly formed, blended family of 4, we’d been in 2 weeks. (I know it sounds way too fast but without completely overloading this post - it was perfect timing for us). MIL went on about how M would grow up to hate Adam, R was a spoiled brat who we would run to when she cried but when M was naughty we pushed her away (we did not, R was barely a toddler, M got time out when misbehaving), said our house was disgusting etc etc. it was devastating. This caused a time period of 8 months to pass, in which they made amends with M’s mother (whom they had hated and complained about for yearrrrrs) bought M Christmas and birthday presents and completely left out R.
I want to make this part clear - Adam is the only father figure R has ever known and made it clear to family that he wishes to be her Dad and for all intent and purposes - she is his.

I pushed for this rift to be mended as FIL is much older and may not have lots of time left. We met up, MIL and FIL said they were sorry, that they wish they could take back the things they said. Adam said R is his, and that we come as a package, a family. They said “okay son, if that’s what you’ve decided we’ll accept that”.

WELLLLL…. There have been a few blips, where they bypass Adam and go straight to M’s mother to just have M and not R. That’s not terrible in my eyes, just not ideal that they’re sneaking behind Adam’s back to do it. But then came a spiteful message where FIL intentionally said “it would’ve been nice to see our granddaughter” singular, not plural. And it was to get a rise out of Adam. This occurred because FIL is not in the best of health, has been somewhat housebound, MIL and FIL are having a tough time in regards to wanting to move and things keep falling through - Adam said that we’d pop over over the weekend. Unfortunately we did not, as it was a weekend in which friends wanted to make plans with us and the girls and we took them out and had a wonderful time as we are coming to the end of the summer holidays.

Adam was furious that R had been left out again. He however, politely messaged back saying sorry that we didn’t make it over but we had a busy weekend and that he would excuse the comment because he could understand maybe his Dad was feeling frustrated.
However there was no apology from FIL for intentionally leaving R out, and this upset Adam greatly.
yesterday he went and spoke to FIL, and it did not go well at all from what I’ve heard. MIL and FIL feel that they should be able to ask us to just have M as they want to spoil her rotten sometimes, and that because they have “history” with M they have a stronger relationship with her and that she deserves some 1:1 with them. There were raised voices and things were left sourly.

This morning Adam gets a message from his younger sister (nearly 30 and heavily pregnant with first child) IN THE FAMILY GROUPCHAT essentially saying that just because he has chosen to be R’s Dad - the family are not obligated to feel the same way, she will never see R as a niece, that I have lost her respect for allowing Adam to go and speak with their dad when he’s elderly and ill, that we’re selfish/ self absorbed and that she wants nothing to do with Adam now.

Adam is devastated. I think it’s wrong for the younger sister to get involved off the back of 1 side of the story. I think it was wrong for her to put him on blast in a group chat. I think it’s wrong that they expect us to drop 1 child to them and not the other when we have both (how do you explain that to a child?) so not letting one see MIL and FIL.

Adam has told FIL and MIL if they only want to have M then they should go through M’s mother to have her as he doesn’t want R excluded on the days we have both girls.

MIL and FIL argue that because they had M lots when Adam and M’s mother were together that it’s not fair that they not get to do that now - however Adam only has M 50% of the time and she’s also now in school - which reduces the time we have with her already, he loves being a dad and spending time with the girls.

I don’t know how to support Adam through this and I know I’ll be being blamed by his family for this. Adam was simply defending a 4 year old little girls right to not be excluded from the only family she’s ever known and that it’s not her fault that they don’t recognise her as family purely due to the fact of biology. I am devastated for him that his sister is cutting him off when she’s about to have a baby and that she told him she’d be contacting his ex wife to make sure that M gets to meet baby, but clearly implying he won’t get to meet the baby.

I don’t understand why they can’t treat the children equally.

I actually think Adam is proving to be a shit father... to his own child.
The fact he's happily sabotaging his own child's relationship with family to get brownie points with a new girl friend is bloody tragic.

That Ms mum has a good relationship with her ex in laws is at least something of a positive for M

I think as a sister to a brother - if he rushed into moving my 4 year old niece in with essentially a stranger (no matter how nice) who had a 1 year old I’d be worried.

I don’t think in just 6 months you can do sufficient introductions to a 4 year old and a 1 year old to get them comfortable and not feel elbowed out if moving in quickly. It sounds as though your in laws genuinely liked you and your little girl, but then due to speed had to bite their tongues at their own sons behaviour. It seems when M then came to them complaining about living conditions and favouritism, your mother-in-law has had enough.

I do think Adam moved too quickly for his daughter’s needs and kids DO come first. He sounds like he’s trying to be an amazing step dad so there’s every chance you DONT see how he’s lacking as a dad for his own child. His entire family will have a “before you +R” and “after you +R” and he’s come off looking like a bad father and son in the “after”.

He WAS completely wrong to go round to his parents for a show down over an elderly man texting singularly. I could easily have been a mistake, but even if it wasn’t SO WHAT? I’d be fuming if my dad was having health problems and my brother went round solely to argue about something so pathetic? Do you have siblings or close relatives? Your mum is struggling with MS - imagine a sibling or aunt went round to “have it out” over a text misunderstanding when she was having a housebound phase??

Your husband needs to apologise to his family and you need to encourage he do so. It needs to be framed as “I’m sorry for coming round to discuss it when dad is having health problems, that was selfish and short sighted of me to have done it at the moment. I am upset at the change over recent years in how R is treated from how welcomed you made her feel and she is getting older now and will notice. I understand you want what is best for M and I also understand it was poor timing on my part. I hope in time we can meet so I can apologise in person and we can discuss the relationship with R & M and you all and how to improve things another time” Done

That’s fact. Everyone in this thread is saying you’re both wrong….. I hope you take a lesson from this.

Blended families are tough to navigate. I’m in one, my DD like yours has no contact with her dad, sees my DH as dad. We also have a child together, he has two children from a prior relationship. His ex has tried to create a gap by telling the children that they can’t call his mum nanna. She has many grandchildren before them, this is a ridiculous request and based on control. It took some time and a few nasty texts but the kids call their nanna nanna. Now his mum and my parents all try to treat them all equally which is lovely, but subtly give bio grandchildren more when the others aren’t there. For example my mum buys all the kids a Christmas present for the same value, and my children a few extra gifts given on another day when SC aren’t around. This isn’t ever an issue as they have a whole other set of grandparents who treat them too.

it takes careful navigation. By grandparents stating the separation so obviously it’s always going to cause difficulties. And younger sister is listening to her parents and not seeing the full story. I suggest you partner go and talk to his sister away from everyone else. I also think your daughter needs lots of support to navigate this, maybe you both need to step back from an overly close relationship with them.

I lost track with all the A F R + M etc etc. But YABVVU as they are only grandparents to their biological children. You cannot bring kids into their lives and then demand they be grandparents, that’s unfair.
What about when the stepDC have some big treat from their own bio grandparents and your other DC miss out? Would you start kicking off about that and demanding the StepDC’s bio grandparents start treating your kids the same? Where does it end?

Your child isn’t their grandchild. They should be kind because that’s the right thing to do, but just because their son sees himself as a father figure to your child, doesn’t make them grandparents. I think you and your partner are very much in the wrong here.

Why should the mum have to faxilate the grandparents contact. She may not want to give up her time with her child so that M can spend time alone with grandparents. Also can't you arrange it that sometimes R goes to your mum's and M goes to their grandparents on your time with M. That way both girls are getting 1:1 time with their respective grandparent/s and then other times you take both children to see either side.

How accurate was their opinion of your children and your home though? For them to send a message seemingly out of the blue about their behaviour and the state of the house? People just don’t say those things for no reason so deep down is their an element of truth? Why did they think your children were brats and the house a shit hole??

This is a very clear way of putting it.

The fact op hasnt come back to the thread suggests there's alot of information missed out and posters reading between the lines of what op has said the grandparents concerns about their dg seem valid.

What???

But it is the OPs partner who wants this to be. What about family respect for his wishes?

What about it? Clearly he isn't able to control his family's behaviour and attitude. He and OP would both be sensible to realise this.

I honestly think I’ve read a different post that most of you because it’s not acceptable for children to be treated differently. Yes DP made the decision to raise R as his own I guess he assumed that his parents would respect his decision.

I fostered children for over a decade and I was very open about any child in my home was treated equally. For the most part this was the case besides the ex MIL who even after we adopted our son didn’t feel he was the same. To the point when he died she told me it wasn’t that bad as when my daughter died. I could have been done for assault believe me. Children don’t ask to be born or brought into a family yet they often take the burden of it. I guess what I’m saying that blood thicker than water is an excuse a child needs love regardless from whose DNA they share. Grown ups favouring one child over the other says a lot more about them. I also wonder if you would accept this if it was your child being left out.

sorry maybe it’s grief talking but I don’t get why a lot of you are beating down on poster when all I have seen is respect and wisdom

Is it possible for Adam to adopt R? That may maje PIL think differently.

I completely agree with your DP.
Yes everyone has there own opinion but you are a family, they are trying to shoehorn their opinion on you.
I was on your DPs shoes, I made it clear and my mother & stepdad respected it....if they hadn't they'd have gotten minimal visits from me and none from the family.
They chose what their kids did when your DP & siblings were younger they have no actual rights beyond what you afford them (barr extreme circumstances obviously).

I disagree with most and think they are forgetting this is a 4 year old girl. They are a blended family and grandparents need to respect that. How can a 4 year old understand that “blood is thicker than water”. How would this work if the family adopted a child unrelated to both parents?

It doesn't actually matter whether anyone thinks the grandparents and sister are in the wrong. OP and DP are not in a position to force them into a pretence.

If they keep trying, clearly there is going to be more of this. And as DSDs DM evidently still has relationships with DPs family, they can't even use her as leverage. There isn't an option available to OP where she and DP can insist on the family feeling a certain way.

This is all so sad for the children involved. Given that all was going well until Adam moved in with you 6 months into the relationship and it was declared he is to be seen as Rs dad I'd guess this may come from a place of his family feeling it has been rushed. They probably worried about Adam forming such a strong bond so quickly with a child he has no rights to. This may also make them worry about treating R like a grandchildren, the knowing that this fairly new relationship could end suddenly and they will be cut off from R.
To be honest you should have the same fears for your DD, having her think Adam is her dad and his family are hers so soon into the relationship. Maybe you not considering that has changed their opinion of you.
That said, all the drama around it is completely unnecessary. Adam's family should accept his decisions and you all should be able to come to some fair agreement together. I would avoid forcing R on them though, she may pick up on their feelings which could be more damaging than her seeing them less.

We are a blended family bringing children into the relationship having more and very close family who foster with their own children. And I couldn't disagree with you more.

With in both structures their are differences and actually your own BC do not deserve to have absolutely no differences in the relationship they have with their own parent because their parent chooses to either blend or be a foster parent.

Both are extremely disruptive to the kids involved while yes also bringing some benefits.

The OP SC relationship with her extend family should never ever be dependant on their relationship with her child. Nor should her families.

One of the biggest issues in both of the scenarios you are talking about is actually mashing everything up and demanding that everything needs to be equal. It isnt. They are like loads of Venn diagrams overlapping.

The background and time frame in the OP post is absolutely ridiculous. Between being in an abusive relationship having a child and moving in with a practical stranger and bringing two kids together and then her DP demands and expectations are unrealistic. If I was his family I would go through the ex as well and we are both SPs who s family have good relationships with their respective SKs but there is differences in their own bio relationships.

If your FIL is old and unwell it's probably a lot easier to have one child at a time and obviously he would choose his own granddaughter who is older and therefore less work than a 4 year old. Your DP should try to understand that, it doesn't mean rejecting your daughter it's also the practicality and emotional bond which is there.

I do understand where you are coming from but I think you misunderstood me when I said that they should be treated equal. This doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be treated independently. Every child needs their own unique needs and to be cherished the way they need. Children communicate very differently but it’s not hard for adults to respect the decisions made and not make one child feel less.

I couldn’t parent my son like my daughter because my daughter always had a secure base where my son had massive attachment issues due to neglect etc before we met him. Yet I did expect grandparents etc to treat them equally. No one child is less because their blood isn’t the same. Maybe I am strange but I felt no difference between my bio children and my adopted son. As an adult I made the decision to love them equally and meet their needs where they are two very different dynamics.

Just wanted to say I’m with you! So easy for people to judge when they’re not in the same situation.

i also have a blended family and in laws are tough for lots at the best of times! Don’t you dare let this lot make you feel less of a person/mummy than they are! Our children are siblings and so yes! I’m sorry! We are a family! Regardless of the DNA. For me personally, my in laws were fabulous to my (ex partners) children and then when our biological son together was born, that changed! Not saying that’s what happened with you but still can relate.

pls do message if you need a chat. Can’t stand browsing through watching these idiots think they’re holier than thou! 😂 believe me they are not perfect ok.

Your a good mum, that’s why your feeling to post in the first place! You’re being a protective mama. I know you were reaching out for support, sometimes it’s just not in the right place..You got this OP

x

I think both you and DP are being very unfair to your DSD.
She at 3/4 will have felt suddenly replaced by a new unrelated child, who her dad sees twice as much as she does and has now been told this new random child is equal to her, in her own father's eyes.

Your in laws gave you some feedback that has come from DSD that she feels that she's told off more and you both ignore it.

Instead of having DD and DSD one at a time you only send your DD to your mum. So clearly you/your mum dont see DSD as equal to DD do you?

Your in-laws are feeling protective of their grandchild who is obviously feeling usurped (so much so that their Ex DIL is facilitating contact with her).

You are understandably putting your DD first but your DP is failing DSD, who is the classic elbowed out step child

My twopennyworth is that you and Adam have contributed this mess - try as I might I cant see why you both think Adam’s parents are wrong in wanting to see their biological granddaughter on her own. She is the child of their son, your daughter isn’t. The fact that he has now chosen to share his life with you and take on your daughter as his own, butdoesn’t mean that his parents have to assume grandparent responsibilities for your child as well as his. Put bluntly she is nothing to do with them.
Nowadays there is nothing at all unusual about blended families, and why you simply can’t explain in an age appropriate way why M is spending time alone with her grandparents is beyond me. She absolutely should, they are her grandparents not your daughters.
It might be that you are concerned that they will have more to offer than the biological grandparent(s) on your side which will cause jealously between the girls, but this is not a reason to deprive his parent’s of seeing and spoiling their grandchild if they want to.
To my way of thinking your all or nothing approach has made a mountain out of molehill that has now turned into a volcano involving other family members. Apologies for being so blunt but this is not a hill to die on

These threads are weekly now. Father not in the picture, meet new partner, new IL’s don’t want to play ball as the OP wants.

She’s not their GD, he can choose to pretend he is her father, he can’t expect anyone else to.