AIBU for wanting grandparents to treat kids equally

[HardRockLife]

Hi all, looking for advice/need to vent/ need to clear my head.
My partner (we’ll call him Adam, age 32) and I (F 25) have been together for over 3 years. We met with kids from previous relationships. I have R (F age 4, who was 1 when we met) and Adam has M (F 7, who was 4 when we met).

R’s bio father is not involved in her life in any way shape or form. We have M 50/50 with her mother.

When Adam and I got together, his parents were absolutely lovely, took to R amazingly, everything was perfect… until… 6 months later. MIL seemingly hit menopause and went 0-100 out of absolutely nowhere. We had just moved into a house together as our newly formed, blended family of 4, we’d been in 2 weeks. (I know it sounds way too fast but without completely overloading this post - it was perfect timing for us). MIL went on about how M would grow up to hate Adam, R was a spoiled brat who we would run to when she cried but when M was naughty we pushed her away (we did not, R was barely a toddler, M got time out when misbehaving), said our house was disgusting etc etc. it was devastating. This caused a time period of 8 months to pass, in which they made amends with M’s mother (whom they had hated and complained about for yearrrrrs) bought M Christmas and birthday presents and completely left out R.
I want to make this part clear - Adam is the only father figure R has ever known and made it clear to family that he wishes to be her Dad and for all intent and purposes - she is his.

I pushed for this rift to be mended as FIL is much older and may not have lots of time left. We met up, MIL and FIL said they were sorry, that they wish they could take back the things they said. Adam said R is his, and that we come as a package, a family. They said “okay son, if that’s what you’ve decided we’ll accept that”.

WELLLLL…. There have been a few blips, where they bypass Adam and go straight to M’s mother to just have M and not R. That’s not terrible in my eyes, just not ideal that they’re sneaking behind Adam’s back to do it. But then came a spiteful message where FIL intentionally said “it would’ve been nice to see our granddaughter” singular, not plural. And it was to get a rise out of Adam. This occurred because FIL is not in the best of health, has been somewhat housebound, MIL and FIL are having a tough time in regards to wanting to move and things keep falling through - Adam said that we’d pop over over the weekend. Unfortunately we did not, as it was a weekend in which friends wanted to make plans with us and the girls and we took them out and had a wonderful time as we are coming to the end of the summer holidays.

Adam was furious that R had been left out again. He however, politely messaged back saying sorry that we didn’t make it over but we had a busy weekend and that he would excuse the comment because he could understand maybe his Dad was feeling frustrated.
However there was no apology from FIL for intentionally leaving R out, and this upset Adam greatly.
yesterday he went and spoke to FIL, and it did not go well at all from what I’ve heard. MIL and FIL feel that they should be able to ask us to just have M as they want to spoil her rotten sometimes, and that because they have “history” with M they have a stronger relationship with her and that she deserves some 1:1 with them. There were raised voices and things were left sourly.

This morning Adam gets a message from his younger sister (nearly 30 and heavily pregnant with first child) IN THE FAMILY GROUPCHAT essentially saying that just because he has chosen to be R’s Dad - the family are not obligated to feel the same way, she will never see R as a niece, that I have lost her respect for allowing Adam to go and speak with their dad when he’s elderly and ill, that we’re selfish/ self absorbed and that she wants nothing to do with Adam now.

Adam is devastated. I think it’s wrong for the younger sister to get involved off the back of 1 side of the story. I think it was wrong for her to put him on blast in a group chat. I think it’s wrong that they expect us to drop 1 child to them and not the other when we have both (how do you explain that to a child?) so not letting one see MIL and FIL.

Adam has told FIL and MIL if they only want to have M then they should go through M’s mother to have her as he doesn’t want R excluded on the days we have both girls.

MIL and FIL argue that because they had M lots when Adam and M’s mother were together that it’s not fair that they not get to do that now - however Adam only has M 50% of the time and she’s also now in school - which reduces the time we have with her already, he loves being a dad and spending time with the girls.

I don’t know how to support Adam through this and I know I’ll be being blamed by his family for this. Adam was simply defending a 4 year old little girls right to not be excluded from the only family she’s ever known and that it’s not her fault that they don’t recognise her as family purely due to the fact of biology. I am devastated for him that his sister is cutting him off when she’s about to have a baby and that she told him she’d be contacting his ex wife to make sure that M gets to meet baby, but clearly implying he won’t get to meet the baby.

I don’t understand why they can’t treat the children equally.

TLDR

But your DD is not their GD. They should be kind and fair but not necessarily equal.

I found this really long and confusing. Ultimately you can’t force a relationship. It must be hurtful and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. The thing is, she isn’t there grandchild and whilst it would be great for them to include her, they don’t have to. You’re better off protecting your daughter and surrounding her with love so she doesn’t feel like she’s missed out on anything. Blended families are tricky. You’ve created one you’re happy with but doesn’t mean those around you have to feel the same unfortunately even if it seems unkind xx

What the other posters said.

It would be nice if they were kinder but I guess your DP hasn't adopted your DD so if you split up, well they could quite possibly never see her again. This may be why they don't see her as a grandchild.

But…they don’t treat them equally because the relationship is not the same. Their own grandchild is obviously going to feel more important to them than their son’s girlfriend’s child.

I mean I don’t think it’s how I would act, but honestly can you not see that this is just a difference of approach/opinion and they’re not terrible and wrong?

All you’ll do is ruin the chances of their grandchild getting to know them if you demand your kids come as a package deal for no real reason.

They’ve been in R’s life since she was 1, and had a fantastic relationship until the huge fallout.
DP does want to adopt R, we just haven’t got the ball rolling yet due to finances and other things going on.
They are a blended family which is why I find it hard to understand why they can’t accept ours?

I think also, me and DP slightly differ on opinion surrounding them having just M by going to M’s mum.
i don’t think it’s that bad, because R goes to my Mum on days we don’t have M so that M doesn’t feel excluded.
But DP is adamant that the girls be treated them same. Which I completely respect him for wanting equality. I just think that if they want to have 1 child, then they should make sure they aren’t actively excluding the other - and a way around this would be asking M’s mother ?

It’s just how it is @HardRockLifeBlood is thicker than water and all that.

Having grandkids is an enormous thing for many grandparents. It’s their legacy, their DNA, the continuation of their line. It may sound archaic, or whateve, to you, but it can’t be denied.

I don’t like when I hear of grandparents being horribly unkind to stepchildren, ignoring them, not getting them a Christmas present or an Easter egg, or not allowing them in family photographs etc. But I think it’s too much to expect them to be treated exactly the same.

I’m sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear. But I think you need to manage your expectations on this because you are not going to get what you want.

This, not another bloody thread about stopping a child see their family at a step parents request!!

This isn’t my request at all. I would never want them to not see M. I just think excluding 1 child after including them in everything is a very hard thing for a parent to have to explain why things have changed all of a sudden and that she’s not allowed to go with her big sister to see her grandparents.

Why do people assume others will treat children thr same just because they shack with somone with a child? yes there is a million and one things in a perfect world everyone would be exactly the way we demand but real life is not like that

The child has been put the child in a situation where they will be treated differently

There wasn’t ever an assumption - they welcomed R with open arms and did treat them equally at first, both DP and I were very aware that it takes time to form bonds. And it seemed like there was a lovely bond there. Then there was the huge fallout and they’ve never treated R the same following.

because R goes to my Mum on days we don’t have M so that M doesn’t feel excluded

Does this mean your mum doesn't see your partner's child but you expect your in-laws to treat your child like their own grandchild. If so, isn't that double standards?

It would be nice if they wanted to have a grandparent relationship with your child but they don't and I don't see how you can force it.

So my mum has offered to have both children, but we have politely declined due to the fact she’s on her own and living with MS. But she does see both children and buy them both gifts and always asks after them both regularly.

Sadly, this is the crux of it.

I know relationships don’t always work out, particularly when something like domestic abuse is involved (not talking about your case in particular here, OP), but all too often I see women having children with totally unsuitable partners, or getting pregant from one nightstands, or having kids with someone in a relationship….then getting together with someone else…..then bleating that their family doesn’t treat their kid as their own grandchild.

That’s just how it is.

again, I don’t know your exact situation OP, so I am not having a go. But in general, this is how biology works, and in this age of freely available contraception, women really need to think about these things before having children OR own their choices. But you can’t have children with one man and then expect or demand another man’s family to take them on as their own.

And yes, the same applies to men. But I never really hear about men being that bothered about it. It is usually the mum. And yes, it’s borne out of wanting people to love her child, which isn’t something to be criticised, but I do think more realistic expectations are required.

R

R is not their grandchild. I agree with SIL.

You're also fine for R to have time spent with her grandmother only, but don't think it's fair for M to have the same. That's just hypocrisy.

I haven’t demanded that they love R. I was fully understanding of time being needed to get to know her and form a relationship with her.

I was in a Domestic abuse situation with her bio dad, and I never had the expectation of someone having to take responsibility for my daughter. I was fully prepared to raise her on my own. But life and love happens and we were welcomed with open arms and lots of love.
Then it was taken back, and that’s the difficult thing to wrap my head around, and I also feel for my 4 year old who adores them, has bonded with them, who they’ve told they love - and now she’s not going to see them again.

I am coming to accept that the door is closing on a relationship with them now, and it hurts and it was never what I would’ve wanted.
But please understand I had no expectation of them accepting R, they did, then they took it back.

please do see my reply a little further up responding to a similar comment.

@HardRockLifethat is tricky then and yes, no fair on your daughter.

I guess you just need to give it time and shield her from it as much as you can.

we have politely declined due to the fact she’s on her own and living with MS

But that is double standards. If both children were yours, would you only send one to visit their grandmother? If your mum isn't able to cope with both children at the same time, the completely fair thing to do would be to send them separately.

While you send your child to your mum on days you don't have your partners child, eventually they will hear about visits to grandma and wonder why they're being excluded.

In this situation, it makes sense to explain to the children that they go and see their own grandparents and that's a special time just for them.

What was the huge fallout - there is a lot of text but the actual fallout is just skimmed over as some issues between the girls?

Truthfully this is all very very fast you have managed to meet have things go well a huge fallout of 8 months and then time after in a 3 year relationship and the girls are only 4 and 7

It's hypocritical to say it's fine for your mum to have your child only but not for In-laws to do the same with their biological GC

This. You want your partners parents to treat them the same, but you're already not, but that's OK, as it's your child getting something!

Hi there, I did try and describe the fallout, it really did come out of nowhere as an angry text that we didn’t understand why we were receiving - saying that MIL had been bottling this up and couldn’t bottle it up any longer, it was a tirade of saying M would grow up to hate Adam, R was a spoilt little brat, house was disgusting and so on. Contact was kind of cut off after that because Adam was completely blindsided and hurt that it all came out of nowhere.

we’ve had an awful lot of things occur in our 3 years together haha, but mostly out of our control that we’ve had to just deal with,