Is there any situation in where you could stay

Stripeyanddotty · 09/02/2025 00:30

When did this happen? How old is the child?

babyproblems · 09/02/2025 00:33

Wow op I’m not surprised you are probably in shock. So sorry you’re going through this. Only you know what the decision can be for yourself after infidelity- there is no right or wrong answer. For me if I was in your shoes, I think the fact he has not admitted it earlier would be the biggest element to consider. None of it is good but the fact he’s only told you because he thinks you’ll find out clearly is lowest of the low. Don’t make any quick decisions, lean on people around you in real life, don’t keep it to yourself. So sorry he’s done that to you and then covered it up for so long. Sending you a big hug xx

Copperoliverbear · 09/02/2025 00:35

It would be over for me I could not get over it.

Ponderingwindow · 09/02/2025 00:35

I might be able to get past an affair, but not one that resulted in a child. Why? Option 1. the child needs to start spending time in your home and you need to become a loving step-mother putting the child above your need to work on your marriage and put the affair in the past. Option 2. He ignored the child beyond paying maintenance and you now find yourself married to the kind of man who would abandon his own child.

i think option 1 would be easier to accept, I just wouldn’t want to do it.

healthybychristmas · 09/02/2025 00:46

There's no way I could forgive that. Absolutely no way. He cheated on you, he failed to protect the woman from pregnancy, he now has a child from that relationship… Absolutely no way.

Poppalina37 · 09/02/2025 00:53

Well, you're married to a cheat, a man who has clearly ignored his unborn child.... financially and emotionally. The child is also a half sibling to your children.

But through all this chaos.... that child, who didn't ask to be born, and your children may not ever know each other unless you adult sort yourselves out.

Your husband is a coward and needs to man up and own this. If you forgive this, I hope you have the decency to acknowledge the child and welcome them into your life.

Nobody deserves this.... but as adults we need to respect the outcomes of our children.

WhatFreshHellisThese · 09/02/2025 01:08

No. It's too much to forgive. Plus l would give zero time or money to random affair child and wouldn't want them in our house so l don't know how they would make that work but obviously l wouldn't make it my problem.
I couldn't prevent our children from meeting random affair child but l wouldn't be happy

Original poster

dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 01:11

He isn't pursuing a relationship with the child but is paying maintenance.
The child's mother wanted him to be involved but he doesn't want to be.
All I can think about is that he has a child that isn't with me and I feel like I don't know him. It's pretty much in my head 24/7

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Semiramide · 09/02/2025 01:13

Partner or husband? If unmarried, you have made yourself very vulnerable, so your options may be limited at this point.

How feasible is it for you to leave him, or get yourself in a position where you can? There is no way I would stay if I were in your shoes.

MinnieDelight · 09/02/2025 01:14

I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your children. I do know someone who this happened to and they did get past it - but it took years of work, he was truly remorseful, had come clean after he’d told the OW he didn’t want her to keep it and the OW was clear she didn’t want him in her or her babies life. They moved house, he changed jobs and they essentially started again. Primarily this was because she had two very young kids and she felt practically both she and the kids would be worse off if she was a single parents plus, despite everything she still loved him.

Take your time, you don’t have to do anything right now. Is he remorseful? Do you feel he now wants to be honest with you? Do you want to get past this?

There’s no right or wrong decision -it’s whatever you feel is right for you. Sending strength 💕

healthybychristmas · 09/02/2025 08:55

He only told me as she has opened a maintenance case with the cms

How long has he known about the child? He isn't paying regularly if she's only just opened up an account with CMS. Do you mean he was paying her secretly beforehand? If he was paying the correct amount why did she need to open up a maintenance case?

And he doesn't want anything to do with his child. What a really lovely man. What a great father he is. He should be very proud of himself.

SpringBunnyHopHop · 09/02/2025 08:57

Unforgivable. I hope you are ok.

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 09/02/2025 09:01

I'm not sure I could get past this even if my husband treated the child properly, but the fact he wants nothing to do with him/her is appalling and would absolutely be a deal breaker.

fourelementary · 09/02/2025 09:05

I couldn’t get past this for several reasons-

The fact that he betrayed you
Then he only told you as he knew it was going to come out, not because he felt guilty or wanted to be honest.
He is refusing to see his child- so that child grows up without a father due to his selfishness.
He is a horrible selfish cunt who puts himself first over you and his children.

You deserve so much better @dreamer1999

Mumofteenandtween · 09/02/2025 09:23

Ponderingwindow · 09/02/2025 00:35

I might be able to get past an affair, but not one that resulted in a child. Why? Option 1. the child needs to start spending time in your home and you need to become a loving step-mother putting the child above your need to work on your marriage and put the affair in the past. Option 2. He ignored the child beyond paying maintenance and you now find yourself married to the kind of man who would abandon his own child.

i think option 1 would be easier to accept, I just wouldn’t want to do it.

This.

TenderChicken · 09/02/2025 09:38

Unforgivable.

He had an affair.
He didn't use protection, putting you at risk of STIs.
He knew he was fathering a child and kept it a secret.
He is largely abandonning said child, which is disgusting.
And on the flip side I would have no interest in playing stepmother to his affair child.

He wants to go on like he hasn't just completely upended all your lives. He's no partner to you.

Original poster

dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 09:40

@Semiramide we're not married, I could just about support myself and children (with child
Maintenance) I don't want to split our family up and I know if this was a
Friend I'd be wondering why/how she is still with him

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soarklyknobs · 09/02/2025 09:46

He doesn't want to see his child???

WTAF 😱

He has four DC and he's just decided not to be a part of one of their lives, through no fault of the DC.

How could you possibly love or respect a man like that??

Original poster

dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 09:46

He knew she was pregnant and had given birth, she contacted him to speak about him paying maintenance, he refused, that's why she went to the cms.
He 100% only told me because of the cms contacting him.
He says he will do anything to help us move on, makes me question his love towards our 3 children, he should know the feeling of loving them so surely would want a relationship with his other child as he knows what he's missing out on.
He said they were messaging for about a year and only had sex a few times, one being at our house when I took the kids away for the weekend.
If I could not think about it every second of every day I might be able to move on
But it's in my head every second I'm awake

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suburberphobe · 09/02/2025 09:58

God, I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP.

only had sex a few times, one being at our house when I took the kids away for the weekend.

I wouldn't be able to get past that.

TheAzureSwan · 09/02/2025 09:59

So if they were messaging for a year it wasn't a brief fling with her.
And he brought her to your home to have sex?
That's an awful lot of calculated deception.
And he doesn't want anything to do with his new child?
He really is a cold, calculating , liar and cheat.
I couldn't get past his behaviour OP.. He has shown you who he is and it's pretty horrific.
It's certainly not you who would be splitting the family up if you leave the relationship. He has split it open with this sledgehammer blow.
Absolutely awful situation for you. And for all the children involved.

Original poster

dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 10:04

It's almost as though he thinks it's ok to not have contact as he "didn't want a child with another woman" 🙄 as if that makes it any better

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soarklyknobs · 09/02/2025 11:11

The simple way not to have a child with another woman, is to not have sex with another woman.

If he didn't want to create a child, why did he perform the act of procreation (presumably without a vasectomy or condom 🙄).

This man is a selfish idiot, a liar and a cheat who needs to be a parent to ALL the children he created, not just pay the CMS bare minimum amount he can get away with.

Please understand that both you and your children deserve better than this man.

Original poster

dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 11:30

@soarklyknobs you're 100% right and it makes me wonder if this is the only time he has cheated on me.
This isn't a situation I thought I'd ever be in.
if I'm not enough I'd prefer he left me. Then there's the issue of the children finding out when they're older that they have a half sibling, they only live 23\30 mins away

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Original poster

dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 11:31

25/30*

OP posts: