Safeguarding referral from A&E due to partner

[ChubbyChickadee]

I have a six year old son, have been in a relationship with someone with mental health issues for a year now.

On Thursday when DS and I were in our way to a funeral, my partner went for a walk and OD’d. We obviously met her in the hospital, and the A&E nurse stated that there was a safeguarding concern for my son.

Background, we don’t live together, she hasn’t ever been his sole caretaker. Nanny came and collected him from ha and he has stayed with her since. Spoke to other nurses and doctors and they were confused as to the reason but nobody could tell me what to expect.

j was given a lot of ‘it’s extra support for her’ and he shouldn’t be taken away from you etc. I tried googling and all I could find was a call within 24hrs which I haven’t had.

I’m petrified what is going to happen next. Don’t know how to tell my parents (very judgemental) about what is going on, so have literally no support. The hospital have done nothing to help and are literally discharging her whilst she is still having suicidal thoughts and yeah, I’m struggling and just want some reassurance what to expect in regards to my little boy, who is literally my whole world.

Sorry, but I agree with the nurse who put in the concern. On the way to a funeral, your partner overdosed. You didn't go to the funeral, you went straight to the hospital, taking a 6 yr old with you. That child then had to witness the MH crisis of your partner, and then get taken away from you, and stays with a nanny instead of their parent as you prioritised your new(ish) partner over your child. I'd be concerned too

That's terrible. You shouldn't have this kind of unstable person in your child's life. You should end that relationship,.before social services remove your child. Prioritise your child as you should.

We obviously met her in the hospital

The 'obvious' thing to do would have been to not bring your child. What did you say to your child about why your girlfriend was in hospital?

She's maybe given them the impression that she's more involved with the child than she is and it raised concerns?. As long as you can satisfy them that she does not live you, and is not left unsupervised with DC when unwell then I don't see why there would be an issue.

A safeguarding was raised by the hospital when my XH overdosed (and each time he did), they said it was standard procedure. The DC were young and it actually helped a little bit as SS were able to offer help. At the time, I was working FT, the DC were in child care settings but it helped to keep other services in the loop as well.

FWIW, I'm a nurse, I've worked in the NHS for over 20yrs, well versed in safeguarding and was very careful to shield the DC as much as possible from XH's MH issues etc. XH and I had been together many years (no sign of any issues at all when we met/married) and married for years. I stayed with XH and tried everything to help him over a number of years because he was my husband, father of my DC etc etc. It was when I found out about his addiction issues (and extent of them, and the fact he wouldn't engage in help etc etc) that we split. All through this time though, I was transparent with what was happening to family/friends, the DCs' schools/nurseries, my work etc, and what I was doing to safeguard the kids. When my ex was in hospital, on a unit or in rehab, I followed advice of SS (and the staff looking after him) as to whether the DC saw him. If there were any doubts/problems, I did not bring the DC to see him. When he was in an MH crisis, there was only supervised contact, even when we were still married and together. When we split, I applied for (and got) a Prohibited Steps Order that prevented him having unsupervised contact with the DC).

I'm not wanting to tell you what to do, and I know this sounds awful, but for a partner of 1yr, there's no way I would be sticking around. The years I had to deal with were hard enough, and I was married, and an HCP (so have looked after patients like this over many years, and know the system). I would also be having a quiet word with your DC's school to let them know what has happened. When SS get in touch, be honest with them and let them know what you are doing to safeguard your DC.

If I were you....if they discharge her, you need to tell the hospital that you will not be there to care for her (no matter what she might say). They may keep her in for longer. They may sort different discharge plans. Where are her family? Who is her official next of kin? Why have they not stepped up? I think that is quite telling.

This. Except i dont think separate
Ing the relationship should even be an option.

I know first hand mentally ill people are extremely hard to deal with /walk away from due to fear obligation and guilt.
But you need to end this relationship.

its one thing to put yourself through the living nightmare rollercoaster that is living with someone with regular mh crisis and suicidal episodes its another thing to drag your child along.

Not because social services will take your child away id be shocked if anything much came of it but because its SO damaging for him and you.

I find it amazing you can claim your son is your world yet be so in need of company/a shag/whatever need this woman meets that you'd willing expose him to this kind of continued emotional damage.... because presumably at some point in the next 10-20 years you'd want your relationship to evolve which means cohabiting.
You cant shield him from it, you cant compensate and you cant make it okay.
He also been exposed to a load of trauma and you havent seen him since thursday as he is stayed "with nanny". That isnt your world and your no 1 priority... its at best a low 2.

None of it is okay he shouldnt be exposed to any of this at his age.

Personally I'd now prioritise my child vs my wants or the girlfriends wants/"needs"

Same. You and your child should have been able to attend the funeral.

I would end the relationship. You can't prioritise both someone with mental health issues of this severity and a young child. It's impossible.

I am not unsympathetic, as I have been in a similar situation, but I can’t believe your child has been with ‘nanny’ since Thursday. So you can do what? Care for your partner?

So are they staying at yours? You are staying with them? That’s not someone prioritising their child.

You may not live together but there clearly is an impact on the child who was taken to A&E to see their parents girlfriend after and overdose and then sent to someone else for days so the partner can be prioritised?

and the overdose just happened to be while attention was on your child and the funeral. Now the partner has all your attention and the child is out of the way?

I assume the OP is the child's mother, in a same-sex relationship. Not sure why that didn't occur to you...

The referral was standard procedure.

Ffs stop being so argumemtative. Not everyone assumes a relationship is gay as their first port of call.

If you can't see why they made the referral.... they were right to do so.

I doubt OP will be back but I can only agree she's showing a massive lack of insight here. The child is her whole world yet she is not prioritising him.

To be fair you only needed to look at the username to work that one out. It's not exactly a name a man would choose.

You should try listening to your parents. Poor boy.

Very good advice from PPs. Your child must come first and should not be exposed to this person (I would never stay with such a person at the expense of my child).

They are possibly worried incase your son finds these tablets and takes then. Once you have orifices evidence that he doesn't live at the same house then all should be fine, however I'd be asking yourself why you're wasting your time with someone like this? Walk away and find someone else. I wouldn't allow my child around someone this unstable.

Why did you take your 6 year old child to a&e to see someone in the midst of a mental health crisis?
If the nanny had to take him away, surely she could have looked after him whilst you went up there.

I can understand why it was a safeguarding issue and it's concerning that you can't.

She's not your responsibility. Your son is.

Your parents are very right to be judgemental. You've known her a year, she's in hospital after an attempt to end her life. Whatever is going on in her head, you aren't the answer. I had a good friend who got involved against everyone's judgement with an alcoholic. He was determined to be the "one" who could save her. He couldn't. And he walked away bruised and battered from trying.

Who is 'nanny' and why is your son with her? Shouldn't he be with his other parent or a grandparent? I'm assuming nanny isn't his grandparent as you feel like you can't tell your parents about this. Also why did you take your son to the hospital to see your new girlfriend who's OD'd? It sounds like your son has been around this very mentally unwell woman quite a bit. That isn't good for him.

Not sure why someone with a child would even be with someone who has mh issues and overdoses. Not exactly a fun life is it, waiting for the news your partner has died.

You need to end your relationship. Although it’s sad your GF has mental health problems, your priority should be your son. Full stop.

Don’t get drawn into staying with her. Where are her family? If she has none, contact her GP or the hospital and alert them that you’re ending the relationship and that’s she’s vulnerable.

Walk away if you genuinely care about your son.

I’m sorry but I’m with the hospital on this one. Your child needs protecting and jt doesn’t sound a great environment for him. Are your parents judgemental or are they concerned?

I actually think the nurse did the right thing. Your DS is not being given proper care.

I don’t know why you took a 6-year old to a funeral TBH. Unless it was an immediate family member, I wouldn’t take my DC to a funeral. Then you take him to A&E to see your OD’ing GF. Now he has been outsourced to someone else.

Honestly, the poor kid. At 6 he should be at home watching a bit of Disney, or on a play date with another 6 year old, or doing nice things with his mum, not at funerals or hanging out in hospital waiting rooms to see is his mums partner is going to make it.

I think you need to reassess your priorities.

The safeguarding referral was made as your son is in a situation where potentially he could be harmed as a result of your partner's poor mental health and/or your decision making regarding this relationship. Social services would have already placed your son in foster care If the hospital team thought that there was an immediate risk to your son. Social services simply want to ensure that your DS is safe, this is a good thing. They will offer support to you, if needed, to maintain your son's (& your) safety so he can continue living with you, in your home