Date is sending mixed signals, is he interested in me or not?

[Sophlora]

Hi all, looking for some advice please.

5 weeks ago I went on a date with a guy and we had a good time. Conversation was easy, had a nice meal and afterwards hung out in his truck listening to music. Turned out we had identical taste in music which was quite cool. He is a very good looking guy and I honestly thought I probably wasn’t his type physically so wasn’t expecting a second date. He is a real live wire, ten years older but hyper and maybe a bit immature. He also seems to still have some baggage around his ex girlfriend having cheated on him. A couple of days after the date I messaged asking if he’d be interested in a second. He responded saying he had a good time and good fun and that I will make someone a good wife but he felt he was too much for me to handle. I responded saying thanks for the honesty and said I probably came off a bit refined as I was nervous so suggested we could meet for a second time before ruling it out. I only suggested this because he said he’d had a good time. I didn’t get a response so took it as a no, moved on and didn’t contact him again.

Last night (5 weeks after date) I posted a story on instagram about a concert I’ve booked tickets to go to. Out of the blue he messaged me about it saying ‘it’ll be a good night’. I asked him if he was going and he said no. He then proceeded to ask how I was and if id been on any more dates. I said I was fine and no, he was the last date I’d been on. He said ‘I had a good evening with you’. He was then just chatting about how a lot of people on online dating only want one thing and I agreed saying it’s sad as I want someone real and genuine. I took the opportunity to apologise for suggesting we have a second date and said I should’ve taken no for no 5 weeks ago when we last spoke. He responded saying I didn’t do anything wrong and he just doesn’t want to lead me on in case we for ‘excited’ and then I ended up thinking he had just used me. I responded asking exactly what he meant by getting ‘excited’ and he just said ‘you know what I mean 😂’. I’m a bit confused by this as he has always said he’s not into casual sec etc so this comment did make me wonder. I then just said I had only meant we meet for a second time and see how it goes. He said we got on fine and had the same taste in music ‘which is hard to find’. He also said he we were both nervous and he’s not a great man for busy places. I bit the bullet and responded saying I didn’t think I was his type physically speaking. He replied saying ‘no, don’t think that’. My last message was just thanking him for being cool about it and how in hindsight I kicked myself after sending the second date suggestion message as it probably came across as a bit desperate. I also said it was just nice to meet a genuinely nice guy. He didn’t reply so now I’m overthinking and in overdrive!!

I am so confused. Part of me thinks he has changed his mind and would like to see me again, and the other thinks he was just having general conversation?

I can’t work him out. I never expected to hear from him again but his comments about having a good evening, the thing about getting ‘excited’, having similar taste in music, being nervous etc etc have baffled me.

I am so wanting to send another message and just say ‘I’m a bit confused, is the only reason you don’t want to see me again out of worry that it won’t work and I’ll think you’ve used me?’ But then I know I run the risk of just coming across as desperate again. Help me please, what do you think he is thinking?

thanks!!

I don’t think he is sending mixed signals.

He told you now to a second date. His later conversation Makes it clear he doesn’t want a relationship with you.

He either got in touch because he saw your social media and was bored and wanted to someone to chat to, or because he wanted to see if he could still have you if he wanted.

Even, trying to be kinda to him, he may think a platonic friendship is a possibility. But he didn’t get in touch because he has changed his mind.

Its clear. He doesn’t want a relationship with you.

Sounds like he liked you as a person but like pp has said he’s not that into you in a physical and sexual way. But this might be because he is still hung up on his ex too? Don’t message again until he messages you.

Unfortunately, he's not interested.
Ultimately, if someone is interested in you, then you wouldn't need to ask or be in this state of confusion.
I have had upwards of 30+ first dates and so im speaking from experience.
There's a book called 'Why Men love Bit*hes', you might find it helpful moving forward. Good luck.

I think he liked you as a person and you obviously share a music interest, but there’s no chemistry there for him. He’s been pretty honest about that. He got back in touch just to say enjoy the gig, that’s all, because he sounds like he likes the group too. And you then started up the dialogue analysing things, which he’s tried to answer without leading you on again. I don’t think he’s playing games at all. I doubt you’ll hear from him again, you’re coming on a bit too strong/strange.

He’s using you to fill time I think. I’d ignore all future messages.

Just this

He’s not sending you mixed messages. He’s being as clear as he can be without being rude. He messages you about the concert as a friend but I’m guessing that your response has ensured he won’t do that again.
Don’t hear yourself up over it, nothing wrong with making your interest clear. Now you can draw a line under it and move on with no what-ifs.

Don’t beat yourself up I meant.

He's not at all interested in you and has made this clear. Because you've come across as keen he's testing to see if he can get casual sex from you.

If you're up for that fine but do not expect to hear from him afterwards. Remove him from SM/block him if you think you'll be tempted to message.

How old are you?

I'm going to sound really harsh, but OP I cringed all the way through your post. You really need to work on yourself or you are continually going to be fucked over by basic men.

• This man is certainly up for casual sex. He's told you that in his recent messages. He's told you basically 'I am happy to have sex with you when I'm free but don't be whinging about expecting more afterwards, or I can't be bothered with it at all'.
• You are reading far too much into him replying to your story. Men like him, who throw out the odd message/like to women they vaguely know, are ten a penny. He will just comment in the moment or when he's bored. He hasn't been sitting thinking about you, it's just opportunistic.
• Don't base a good match on music tastes.
• Don't pursue men who have shown you that they are not interested. You're just questioning him over and over wanting a different answer. You're not going to get one, and even if you did from this man now, it will be fake.
• Don't try to appeal to anyone for a second date when they've told you that they don't want one.

Just leave it alone. Have some dignity.

He's been crystal clear that he's not interested. No mixed messages, no oscillation, no confusion. You asked him out again and he said 'no'. He got in touch weeks later because his interest in the band probably coincided with being bored and fancying a chat. I know it sounds harsh but nobody who was keen on you would say 'well, potentially I would shag you but that would be that and I don't want you feeling used afterwards'. Nothing wrong with you but you're not the one for him and he's made that clear. No more messages, even friendly chit chat.

I think everyone has covered most issues here.

One thing I will add is not to get into the car of someone who is essentially a stranger to you. I expect some to disagree, but you need to keep yourself safe and I'm slightly doubting your ability to do that.

At best he's an OK guy who really enjoyed your company and your mutual interests and is happy to pop up now and again and chat on a certain level, but isn't interested in a romantic relationship with you. He's told you this on several occasions - believe him.
At worst he's a knobber.
Either way he's not for you, don't be that desperate.

Oh Golly - please don't ever contact him again. You do come across as desperately trying to please, and desperately hoping he'll change his mind.

Like others have said, there's no mixed messages. He's been as politely clear as he can be that he didn't want a second date with you, you were nice - but not his type.

Please leave it. And please don't chase men like this.

Just don’t. Move on.

Don't contact him again. You don't want to be with someone who plays mind games. As I say to my daughter-you want someone who really wants to see you and spend time with you. Not someone who blows hot and cold.

He is not interested. Try someone else.

Why don’t you just leave it?! No need to ask what he meant etc. No need to analyse it. It sounds like he was bored for five minutes and wanted to talk about the band/music. Sorry, I’ve got one like that in my life. They just pick you up and drop you and it means nothing.

Move on. You deserve someone who will initiate the second date so that you are not left wondering. He's not into you and that's OK because there will be guys who are into you.

He is a time waster. I did the online dating thing for a long time and it really messes with your self esteem. What I did learn is that if someone is genuinely interested they won't mess you around and run hot and cold. He is either not interested in you or he has issues and you're too good for that!