India Knight: "Wives feel like chattels, scared to leave in case they find themselves on the breadline"

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here

Does anyone feel like this? I remember an old thread called something like "SAHMS, what if he leaves you?" - what do sahps/sah women in this position feel? (I can see that it applies to men and women so sahps not just sahms but let's face it, the majority are women)

Btw, I have no issue with anyone being a sahp if that's what they want or a being wothp, interested to know what people think.

Are you sure this wasn't written by Xenia?

I think there is probably a lot of truth in it...

I know someone who is a wothp and won't leave abusive relationship because she is scared of what will happen to her and her dc financially.

I don't think it is restricted to SAHP.

Also for those who are scared to leave a relationship whether abusive or not, it is another reason to tell themselves to convince themselves not to leave.

Even if the finances were sorted, some would find other reasons.

Spot on for a great many MN-ers I'd say!!

( ......and I don't often agree with the woman!!!)

I think she's got a point, it must be terrifying for the parent who stays home to care for the children to leave an abusive marriage and face the prospect for starting from scratch.

I know a woman who has for some insane reason put everytihng in her husbands name, and my god he's a waste of space, he's pure evil, and everytime she tries to leave she finds she cant, he owns everything. It's horrendous, I once asked her why she put all her property in his name, she didn't seem to know.

I've just read a couple of things which are similar(ish) -

Divorce is good from women bit from Tim Hartford's upcoming book

The other one isn't really that similar, I guess and I can't find a link [useless emoticon].

I'm a sahm but don't feel like this because of other circumstances which do include not having to worry about what would happen financially because I can always rely on my parents if something goes horribly wrong. And I've got my name on the mortgage, etc. (The main reason is that my husband is one of the kindest, most generous men I've ever met.) So I've got access to everything we have - we did this purposefully - in case something horrible happens to him, I don't have to deal with trying to access that it "his".

I don't think she's just talking about abusive marriages though, she's talking about women who are just plain unhappily married being afraid to leave because they have no financial independence.

Am typo queen this morning . Hope it made sense...

WWW, in that case, the main reason I don't feel like that is because I'm very happy being married to him.

Probably a bit too much sugary sweetness for a Sunday morning, apologies!

Even if you are a SAHM you can have financial independence in the event of a separation if you have a joint account and your name is on the mortgage.
It is only worrying if you do not have the above things i guess.

All you have to do is read the relationships forum and you will see loads of unhappy women who would leave if they could.

Nobody would choose life as a single mother above all else. There is no 'pull' towards it. There has to be one hell of a 'push' away from your marriage ... and there are still a lot of pulls back towards the marriage. Social stigma, financial worries (loans taken for the family in your own name and no job? Ouch!), pressure from the child/ren ..... many reasons to stay. Women in unhappy marriages who don't work OOH do feel like domestic servants.

Pizza, just because you've never had a car crash, there is no reason not to wear a seatbelt ... it can happen in the blink of an eye. Nobody gets married thinking "

I was in a horrible marriage and I stayed for three years longer than I should have done because I thought the children and I would be homeless with no income etc. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to my family for help as he would harass them to death.

When eventually I got the courage to leave, I was indeed homeless for a few months (hostels are not fun) and it took a while for benefits to kick in but in hindsight it was the best thing I ever did. He had drained all my confidence and self-belief and it was only when we escaped from him that it came back.

Sorry if I'm wandering off-topic a bit but wanted to share.

I am happily married but having seen the example of my own parents marriage ( my mum feeling unable to leave despite being the higher earner)I have made sure I can be financially independant. In fact DH is now a sahp.

Poverty is also a great leveller. I am a SAHM and carer.
We rent, and are on benefits due to DH and DS disability, if I left there would relly be no difference. I would find somewhere else to rent, and may even be able to get a part time job. I would be better off financially if I left my DH.

I think the things we've done to make sure the kids and I are ok in event of his death are the some of the things which make me have financial independence. Which makes sense - I need to have access to everything and co-own, if not own solely (I own the car and have an account in my name), our major assets in case he becomes incapacitated or dies. Our thinking is that those things will make it easier for me in the short run while things get sorted out. One less thing to worry about, basically.

Anyway, that works for us. I'm very much not saying that that would work for everyone and think that people's comfort levels about these things varies widely and probably depends a great deal on circumstances and previous experiences.

Ha: 'our major assets' - get me, we're not rich, I've just been reading too much pop-econ.

I think it's an interesting article, and probably true for a lot of women, partic those who look for wealthy hubby's and have never had to support themselves. I would hate to be in that position.

I love the quote about the marc jacobs handbag - it applies to a lot of women where I live.

"If you have daughters, please drum this into their heads: self-sufficiency may not be a very sexy concept when there are people out there who?ll buy you Marc Jacobs handbags, but it is the key to female happiness. Earning your own money ? lots of it, ideally ? means you always have a choice"

Oddly enough, my mother was a very old fashioned woman. She thought that feminism was deeply wrong as a comcept, she lived her life for my father.

However.

one thing she did say to me, 'There is no-one's money quite as nice as your own'.

This article really made me think about how I would view and advice my own two dd's self reliance is something to take into account.

women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/article1560007.ece

Well I don't know what blardy planet India Knight lives on but where I live, in the UK, in the event of a divorce the assets are split 50/50. The fact that you were a SAHM or a WOHM are irrelevant. The law does not penalise you for doing the unpaid child rearing job, you still split it 50/50.

I also find it odd when divorced people give me marital advice.

And as for the argument that a WOHM is more able to support her family after a split than a SAHM - Oh please!!!!! - how many women do you know who support their own families.

I usually agree with India but this article just annoyed me.

Interesting article ivykaty, very.

nametaken, re "And as for the argument that a WOHM is more able to support her family after a split than a SAHM - Oh please!!!!! - how many women do you know who support their own families." - er, well if you're talking financially support then I would have said that a WOHM IS more likely to be able to support her family after a split than a SAHM. Also,
I support my family. My husband's financial contribution is tiny compared to mine - we could live on my income but not his.