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India Knight: "Wives feel like chattels, scared to leave in case they find themselves on the breadline"

140 replies

WideWebWitch · 20/01/2008 11:03

here

Does anyone feel like this? I remember an old thread called something like "SAHMS, what if he leaves you?" - what do sahps/sah women in this position feel? (I can see that it applies to men and women so sahps not just sahms but let's face it, the majority are women)

Btw, I have no issue with anyone being a sahp if that's what they want or a being wothp, interested to know what people think.

OP posts:
Monkeytrousers · 20/01/2008 22:09

Will now read article

TellusMater · 20/01/2008 22:14

Well yes. She's not a fan of nurseries I believe. Or of parents (mothers indeed) not seeing that much of their children.

I actually find Xenia a bit more consistent on the subject I have to say...

Monkeytrousers · 20/01/2008 22:17

"What actually matters, to children and adults alike, is having happy, contented parents whose felicity communicates itself to their children."

Defo agree there and also, "no one much wants to be (or hire) a 34-year-old graduate trainee." (This is me)

BUT it is all fair saying women should earn their own money; when at the moment that means giving up having children until late in life. Okay theorhetically, but things don't always go to plan.

Unfortunatly, this is just another blind swipe at the system when what we need is targeted lobbying to make the workplace more family friendly - this isn't about men or women - it has to be about families.

TellusMater · 20/01/2008 22:19

No, no. IK doesn't like women to leave it late to have their children either .

Quattrocento · 20/01/2008 22:20

"women should earn their own money; when at the moment that means giving up having children until late in life"

A small step for Monkey, a gigantic leap for me ...

What on earth do you mean, Monkey? I've worked and I was 30 when I had DD - not late in life is it? It's simply not true to say that to develop your career is to have children late in life. Not true at all.

Monkeytrousers · 20/01/2008 22:39

It becomes harder to concieve the older we get QC. Your chances become slimmer the older you get. I know what you mean thouhg; I had DS when I was 34. It is more common now (becasue we want to bemiore than chattels!) but there are still risks associated with leaving it so late, especially if you find out one of you has problems and only two years later get on the IVF waiting list.

Delaying parenthood is not always as simple as it seems and the ideal would be to value mothers and make the workplace more family friendly to help mothers and fathers work togather instead of pitting them against each other as it does at the moment.

expatinscotland · 20/01/2008 22:40

no way!

for some reason, MT, i had it my head that you were about 28!

sorry, end hijack.

Monkeytrousers · 21/01/2008 09:10

38 this year Expat!

OrmIrian · 21/01/2008 09:23

I have always worked and had my own money. I earn a little more than my DH but we'd still be in trouble if we split up. Selling our house wouldn't give us enough to get 2 seperate homes. Neither of us really earn enough to support 2 houses. And the financial aspect isn't the main reason I'd try my damndest to avoid divorce.

Having said all that if I was ever to get together with another man (when pigs grow wings) I would make sure that everything was set up equally. I don't see how any mother would be happy with less.

toomanydaves · 21/01/2008 09:30

I am slightly in this position at the moment. I want to leave but want to make sure I am earning enough before I do. He earns 20x what I do. So I am hanging on in there for a while to try and boost my earning power/sort out my life re childcare etc before I go. It sounds incredibly calculating put like that, but it seems the only way forward.

bossybritches · 21/01/2008 09:38

Always have a running away fund- no matter how good your relationship is it's always useful to have your own money for times of crisis whether on your own or as a couple. Doesn't have to be a lot just little bits put away over the years & left. Friend of mine used to take a £1 coin from her hubby's loose change now & again, or the housekeeping,or her purse & put it away in a drawer.Every time she reached about £10 she put it in a deposit account.

blueshoes · 21/01/2008 11:00

My mother who was a SAHM (partly pressure from my father) always took pains to tell me to be financially independent and never rely 100% on any man.

Best piece of advice I ever got.

I do think I owe it to my children as well. If for any reason, it is in their best interests to leave the relationship, then I know I can and will and not put up with any nonsense.

Although I work pt and my earning power is secondary to dh's, I have my own investments I built up pre-marriage and have a complete picture of the household finances and do the financial planning. Having said that, I do love and trust dh more than words can say.

SueBaroo · 21/01/2008 11:26

I have the sum total of £83 to my own name. I am not financially independent, and right at this point, I'm not sure if I ever would be.

My MIL isn't in any meaningful sense. The plans she made were for retirement with her husband, and they're doing very well at it.

I've got barely enough energy to give to planning the same with my husband, I don't have any spare to be planning for worst-case scenarios. We're not always 'happy', but there you go. No-one ever is.

rebelmum1 · 21/01/2008 12:00

hmm if 3rd of marriages fail and then something like 60% are miserable that's not many happy marriages. Maybe we're crap at picking the right person, maybe mortgages are too high hence the financial concerns. I wonder what the age of the women surveyed are and how many have young children and how many do actually work and are still concerned at the reduction in finances? I detect a hint of bitterness in the article..

rebelmum1 · 21/01/2008 12:09

Are there lots of women out there who don't work at all for the duration of their marriage/life? I haven't met any, who are they? How did they manage it? What have I done wrong?

OrmIrian · 21/01/2008 12:28

I only know one. Amongst younger women I mean. It was normal amongst my mother's generation from the moment they married.

rebelmum1 · 21/01/2008 12:36

I know of one or two but they didn't have their babies until their forties so does that count? They had careers before that point and are enjoying the time out, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I don't know of any women who have never worked apart from my grandmother and even she was an accountant before she married. My other Grandma was widowed just after the war and ran a boarding house to make ends meet, before that she was a maid, so she still worked. If people stay in unhappy relationships for financial reasons then that's their look out imho.

rebelmum1 · 21/01/2008 12:39

Looking at the statistics the question I would be asking is why so many women are miserable with their relationships?

nametaken · 21/01/2008 12:59

rebel i don't think there has actually been a survey It's just India Knights know-all opinion.

I too detect a note of bitterness.

Swedes · 21/01/2008 12:59

I spent most of my married life living abroad - for the good of my ex-husband's career (he is not in the military) after 15 years' marriage we got divorced. I had very little to fall back on career-wise in spite of being the higher earner when we had our first child. It is simple to say I should have worked but I thought I was working - hard as it happens (I would have preferred to be living in the UK amongst my family and friends who would have been able to give me support when the children were very little) in a way. I thought we were doing it for us. I think India Knight talks a lot of sense.

rebelmum1 · 21/01/2008 13:05

But Swedes making that decision would have meant that you wouldn't have got together with that partner at all.

rebelmum1 · 21/01/2008 13:07

Finding a partner is a bit more than a straight calculation there is always going to be give and take.

rebelmum1 · 21/01/2008 13:24

love this comment at the end:-
some women (and men come to that) are limited by their intlectual capacity, and so they have to marry as best they can otherwise the house/car/family would never happen given their own spending power. Don't underestimate women's understanding of what 'the deal' is. I'd swap with my wife anytime.

NB tee hee spelling of 'intellectual' a bit suspect

Monkeytrousers · 21/01/2008 13:37

I know IK doesn;t say this TUM, but it is the elephant in the room. Just how else are you supposed to become fully finacially independent before having children, except putting it off?

Women like Xenia, admirable as they are, don't speak for a majority of women's experiences, but a very small minority - I think this is part of why Xenia says the same things over and over, cos it proves how extraordinary and unique she is. Well good for her, (and I mean it) but she doens't need the help. Others who aren't endowed with Xenia's extraordinaryness, or connections or family or money, or whatever; the majority of us, do.

Monkeytrousers · 21/01/2008 13:38

Those stats are highly sus too. It's a good talking point though.