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Original poster

MIL living with us

48 replies

Ceecee1981 · 14/06/2022 23:36

My MIL is going to live with myself and my husband and pretty much grown up children. I suggested this to begin with because of her falls and illness *which have miraculously not happened since. I think it's a bad idea. She stayed with us for a week and I hated it. My husband refuses to talk about it and said an apology should be enough. I'm not happy with that. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Tiani4 · 20/06/2022 06:33

Joke= home
Sorry mistype

MintJulia · 20/06/2022 06:47

You need to explain to your DH, that this is a deal breaker. You cannot live with your MIL and he has to understand that.

Tell him that moving her in would drive you to divorce and selling the house etc so he needs to think very carefully before insisting.

PragmaticWench · 20/06/2022 06:58

At 69 it would be VERY unusual to be having falls unless she has a serous medical condition?

Whitehorsegirl · 20/06/2022 07:54

She could be with you for the next 20 years if she moves in!

If she faked her illness or made it look worse than it was as well you know that she is a manipulative person who cannot be trusted.

Put your foot down and refuse to have her move in as she has ''miraculously'' recovered now...

If your husband cannot see your point of view then it might be time to think if you want to stay in this marriage/home.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/06/2022 09:45

I think you need to lay it out very straight and plain that if his mother moves in, you're going to be moving out, permanently.

It's you or her.

Can you find some sheltered accommodation in the area that you're moving to. Somewhere that she would be able to come and go as she wanted but that she would be looked after if she had a fall? That's where she should be looking to move in to and she'd also make friends there too that would look out for her and after her.

Could you present this as a suggestion to your husband perhaps?

Ragwort · 20/06/2022 09:50

69! That's only five years older than me, my 90 year old DM lives very happily on her own ... I wouldn't dream of moving her into our house, totally unfair on my DH (& my DM and myself). Stand firm, if she is in sheltered accommodation she would be mad to give that up ... but be prepared to offer an ultimatum - and mean it - tell your DH he either lives with his wife or mother ... not both.

Original poster

Ceecee1981 · 10/07/2022 01:47

Because its my tenancy. Why should I drop it and move an hour away from everything and everyone I know

OP posts:

DitzyBluebells · 10/07/2022 02:07

Ok so it's your tenancy. So tell your DH his mother isn't going to live with you and if he wants to live with her he'll need to move out himself. If he gives you hassle over it then get rid of him. But first find out how being married impacts in your tenancy, in case it gives your DH any rights to stay in the property too. I might be that you can't just kick him out. So find out where you stand then you can decide what ultimatums to issue and work out what you're going to do.

Original poster

Ceecee1981 · 02/08/2022 21:31

I am the sole tenant. Always have been. Anyway we've moved now. The demanding dates for when she moves in started Immediately. Anyway, we've had a blazing row about it and hardly talking. I'm going to call her and tell her it's not going to work because at this rate our marriage won't either

OP posts:

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 02/08/2022 21:43

Oh OP sorry things are still difficult! Let us know how the call goes, don't back down!

HollowTalk · 02/08/2022 23:49

I think the solution is for your husband to live with her and for you to live without either of them. She's only 69 and could live for another 30 years.

Kite22 · 03/08/2022 11:35

I agree with HollowTalk. If your dh feels that his mother needs more support than her current sheltered accommodation offers, and is of the train of thought that supporting her is something that people should turn their lives upside down for, then he has the option to move himself in with her somewhere (possibly not her current accommodation). The onus is on him to choose either standing up to his Mum's manipulation, or moving in with her himself, or working with elderly social care where she lives to get more support for her. You MiL moving in with you should just not be an option.

Original poster

Ceecee1981 · 09/08/2022 11:15

Okay so I told her on Friday that our marriage is in the toilet atm. This is true. Non stop arguments etc. I told her this cannot work. Her reaction to this was, a text message on Monday saying I am so upset and depressed. She actually said, I thought I was moving in with my loving family. Then proceeded to send photos of boxes she had packed even though there was no promise of her moving in and no date etc. Is it me or she trying to manipulate me? Anyway I've said no and no weren't talking and she's badgering mu husband and behaving like she's been wronged. I am so pissed with her pushiness and demanding to live with us. We was here 2 days and she was demanding ever since. I lost my mum a year ago and made homeless and now this. I have severe anxiety and depression and yet she doesn't seem to think she is unreasonable in her behaviour

OP posts:

lamaze1 · 09/08/2022 13:02

You're not in the wrong here. Don't be bullied by your MIL or DH. She is already showing you that she doesn't respect you by going behind your back to your husband in the hope he forces you to change your mind. Be under no illusion, if she gets her foot in the door she will get worse because she knows you'll find it very difficult to get her out. You do not want to run the risk of being an uncomfortable guest in your own home!

parietal · 09/08/2022 18:08

this is just a taster of what would happen if she moved in.

so what is your DH saying and doing at this point? does he want her to move in? or does nothing? or doesn't care? If he is on your side, he should say no to her. and if he is not on your side, you may have to kick him out as well.

Original poster

Ceecee1981 · 10/08/2022 11:49

Thank you. She's making me feel bad. Now my husband feels sorry for her and feels bad. I told him she is safe where she is. She will be fine. I know it sounds bad but I'm not prepared to babysit her either. I've had enough to deal with. She will just have to get over it. I'm gonna let her have her tantrums.

OP posts:

Lunde · 10/08/2022 11:55

Send your H to live with her - then he can do all of the caring

Original poster

Ceecee1981 · 10/08/2022 11:55

Well this is what I said to him. If she moved in it'd be 100 times worse. It's got to the point her noises when she stands up or walks up the stairs annoys the hell out of me. My husband is on my side. He said that's your choice so that's what it is. I think he's just upset because she keeps on at him now, literally crying down the phone to him and going on about her ailments and how lonely and depressed she is. At the end of the day we're not responsible for how her life turned out and to be Frank it's not a bad one. She's a proper smother.

OP posts:

crazeekat · 28/08/2022 13:18

Op how is things now, reading ur updates 🤞🏻

Curlywurlynew · 20/09/2022 10:39

Well not good. I told her that me and her son, my husband that it wasn't going to work with us all living together. I told her our marriage is not in a good place. Thos isn't a lie. She didn't seem interested that we was have problems. She got very upset and proceeded to go on about her being lonely and depressed. Anyway this hasn't helped matter with me and my husband. I was not happy with her behaviour and decided to not speak to her for a few days and just let things cool down. During that time, she had decided to tell my husband spiteful lies about me. Shes made up a whole load of nonsense and I have not spoke to her for a month now. Tbh I really don't know what to do anymore.

lamaze1 · 20/09/2022 14:29

She wants you out of the way that is why she isn't bothered about your marital situation and has made up stories about you.

I'd just make clear to her and your husband that her recent lies have cemented your decision and that she will not be moving in. Her actions have had consequences and there will be no further discussion.

At the end of the day as hard as it is, you're better off knowing whether your husband will back you on this at this stage. If you don't and then give in you'll be stuck with both if them hanging up on you.

lamaze1 · 20/09/2022 14:30

I say this as someone whose mother in law has tried very hard to upset my marriage because in her mind that would mean he moves home 🙄

Curlywurlynew · 20/09/2022 23:37

Well I'm going nowhere. It's my home. At this rate the pair of them are going to have to deal with each other.

I told him earlier to correct her on her lies. He said he has. He also said he doesn't want to be in the middle of it. I understand that but I feel like I'm being attacked because things are not going her way.

I made it clear after this that there's no way she can move in. There's no way in hell I'm putting up with that behaviour. I don't feel like he has my back anymore. More a case of sitting on the fence.

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