Are taking drugs and being a good parent mutually exclusive then?

[wanderlust]

I don't want to get told off lots or start a fight, its just that I (along with most of my friends - parents or not) will take drugs every now and then, but I am aware that the people I know are not necessarily representative of what's really normal or acceptable - so what does everyone really think?

We had a young boy close to where we live who swallowed his parents prescription and died.

not everyone is careful, unfortunatly.

Happened with Sadie Frost, didn't it? DD swallowed a pill she found iirc & had to be rushed to hosp. Was E?

I did refer to pills down the sofa etc/traces of coke on the table but if you re-read my post you will see I was not being judgemental of you whatsoever. The reason I refer to that is because (and without going in to detail)I can recall such situations along with someone I know finding a pill in her trinket box (which was in reach of the children and they would often play with the objects within)and she felt awful as she hadn't known/remembered it was in there (she had put it there prior to having the kids and had not indulged since). As I said, if you are scrupulous about these things then all is well and good. I don't know if I could be tbh as I think my judgement would be affected. I have also seen plenty of children come into A&E after swallowing their parents methadone - but I only mention that since you say hardened drug users are careful. Some are, some aren't.

Kittylette's post (where she says about not even drinking) reminds me of an anecdote my mother relayed to me. She knew of a couple with a young baby who happened to need to get to hospital with their baby relatively urgently. They'd both had a drink that evening so neither of them were capable of driving there.

Made me think, that did. Same would be true of drugs and driving so how far do we take this parental responsibility thing and the need to stay 'sober' at all times? Maybe one could get shit faced at the weekend when the dc are at Granny's but what if a life influencing decision had to be made because one of them was rushed to hospital, etc. etc. etc....

Yes Sadie Frost's dd did take a pill she found on the floor. I can think of more ordinary examples unfortunately - and that is the bit I find scary. I personally can even be forgetful about paracetamol or ibuprofen for eg. I left my bag on the floor the other day and forgot I had some in there. Luckily ds in only interested in my credit cards (sign of things to come perhaps!) but still. Pretty careless and stupid.

well ladies and gents, the conclusion seems to be: keep all drugs - prescription or recreational - under lock and key!

on drugs costing a small fortune: a night out on pills - at £2 to £4 a pill - is a lot, lot cheaper than going out for dinner! and coke is coming down in price now all the kids are getting into it. personally i prefer ecstasy but im old.

on sex: childbirth injuries meant i hadn't had penetrative sex with dp for a year, despite trying many times, we just couldn't get it in. i stopped breastfeeding a couple of months back. being the responsible mother i am, i obviously didn't take any drugs whilst breastfeeding/pregnant, but we had some coke left over from before then. we took coke that night, just a couple of lines and, finally, we managed to have not just penetration but brilliant, great penetrative sex! the relief! been managing fine sober or otherwise since.
taken pills on one night out too since then, and felt so good to be irresponsible and risky and bad and free with my dp again! won't be doing that for a good few months cos the next day is hard work, but it was excellent for our relationship to renew it, to be like when we got together. call that sad and studenty if you like. i have great plans to be a disgraceful lecherous shoplifting gin soak when im an old lady so no ambition to be respectable.
so, depravedmother, know exactly what you mean!

Depravedmums' comment - What happens to people when they come parents? Why do they instantly think any temporary escape from their duties renders them completely irresponsible? The response to this person's original email has been so bloody pious

Totally, totally sums up my thoughts on this subject.

I don't take drugs
I don't smoke cigarettes (an altogether more insidious way of harming your children)
I do drink moderately

So bloody what if I did???

Our parents survived the 60's didn't they?

Stipymama

sadly addicts do leave drugs around as in this case when a 2 year old died.

We have a houseful of opiates atm, to cope with dh's excessive pain. He had a mild OD a few weeks ago and it was horrible to see, and most distressing for the children.

What DH was horrified about was how 'flat' and unresposive he had been to the children over this period. He is in the hospice atm, while they try to sort out his pain and keep him alert. He can't quite believe that people do this sort of thing by choice. It must mean they have some horrible 'issues' they are trying to avoid, if using opiates is the alternative.

They are all under lock and key, but that is easy of me to police, because I'm not taking them, or affected by them.

Obviously the couple in the article were not so in control

This whole new parenting ethos - the one where you have to flog yourself to death in the pursuit of uber-motherhood. It's an incredible weight to bear.

Moreover, I am not sure it's in the best interest of children. Perfect parents do not exist - trying to sustain the illusion is backbreaking and a waste of time in my opinion.

Kids need to know we are human. I am not suggesting that we share stories of our teenage binges (drugs/alchohol or otherwise). I do think we need to be real for our kids.

I think taking drugs as a parent is risky behaviour. However, all of us take various risks every day and this is the nature of life.

Managing the risks you take and their impact on your kids is clearly important,but I do not think that taking drugs and being a good parent are always mutually exclusive.

I think it is common practice for both parents to share a bottle of wine for example (alcohol being a drug), which would make you unable to drive your kid to hospital in an emergency without being over the limit. Whilst it certainly isn't best practice as a parent to do this, in my book it doesn't make you a "bad parent".

Illegal drugs use could of course result in a custodial sentence which is a high risk to run in terms of the potential impact on your child.

Well....

I am not particularly confident about my own parenting, but I look at my children and I think:

My children are loved, and know they are loved. They are emotionally pretty secure. They are confident and outgoing, and do well at school and have lots of friends. They are (reasonably) clean and well-fed. They have no dental caries. DD1's lazy eye is being dealt with.

I reckon that the fact that over the past seven years I have had the occasional spliff doesn't actually cancel any of that out. So no, they're not mutually exclusive.

Yes I agree with that dj

and I would agree with MI (as ever )

I think that some drugs are far more of an issue, because of the effect that it has on more rational behavior. Parents addicted to opiated may well not be able to make well informed rational decisions about relative risk and may not be capable of properly protecting their children.

During the period when dh was overdosed on opiates he was also mostly incapable of normal parental interaction. He was emotionally 'flat' and the children found that very upsetting.

I don't know how well heroin addicts aclimatise to these effects, but unless their response was very different to dh's I don't think that they could look after children in that condition. And I'm talking about being a 'good enough' parent rather than perfection. I'd blow the perfection deal in seconds

sorry to hear of your dh's illness mb

I'm with dejags and various other of you nicely balanced people - the world is so childcentric, it can't be good.

The driving-in-an-emergency point has been covered before, lots of people can't drive at all (choice, epilepsy, visually impaired) so is it irresponsible of them to breed?

vacua-i am on venlafaxine now.have to say it makes me feel more awake and engergetic but sadly doesnt have the appetite suppressant effects of speed

since there are many confessions on this thread i will say that i didnt only take speed pre-kids but also pre-dd2.after i split with ds1 and dd1's father i took speed almost every day for 9 months.i lost 5 stone,which was great,and at first the effects were posistive,but after a time i became paranoid and agressive(not physically but shouting all the time etc).i also took diet pills for a time after having ds2.

during that time(when i used speed) though i also drank alot,and i would say that was far worse than any other drug i used.i would start drinking as soon as the kids went to bed.i was not a good parent then,although my children weren't neglected and never came to any physical harm(thankfully).

i dont drink atall now,i just dont have the desire to.i just take my legal drugs and smoke.

i have been honest with my older 2 (now 9 and 10)about my past drug use as they were learning about drugs in school and i remember when i was at school during the 'just say no' era wondering why on earth people took drugs if they were so bad...that curiosity often leads to experimentation.so i am honest with ym children and tell them the positive effects as well as negative so they might understand.

Taking drugs is a choice. Having epilepsy or a visual impairment which prevents you from driving is not.

I don't have a problem with the world being childcentric - my life is totally childcentric atm but that's a short period of time relative to my entire life and I'm happy with that. But I don't see why occasional drug use and moderate alcohol consumption (within sensible limits) competes with that. Drug use does not always indicate addiction.

I still don't see the point. It's just so studenty.

Nothing wrong with the odd spliff here and there. A few of puffs on a joint affects a lot a people like a glass of wine or a beer would. What's the difference? Everyone needs their way of unwinding. Just be responsible about it and don't smoke snort a 10 lines of coke or smoke a few crack pipes when your children are in your care (or ever really).

I'm amazed that anyone thinks the UK is childcentric - I've lost count of the number of disapproving glances and tuts I've got because DS shouts in M&S. Not screams just happy shouts. Tis not allowed apparently.

I've learned to ignore those kewcumber and just take notice of the smiles and nice comments. But my world is childcentric.

By childcentric, I thought the posters meant that parents feel they have to sacrifice everything fun (eg drinking, going out, having the odd spliff etc)because of the children. I agree that our society on the whole is not childcentric.

Oh I agree that my world is childcentric - I waited a long long time for DS and I'm going to enjoy every second of it.

The "tutt'ers" don;t bother me, if only they knew it I makes me want to let DS get down and play. He loves people and invariably goes up to the "tuttiest" person and touches them on the knee then runs away screaming and laughing. At which point they look like they're sucking a wasp. But of course I don't. Often.