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Why So Quick To Condem!!!!!!!

108 replies

cp3 · 10/10/2004 17:06

A thread was started earlier and it doesnt matter what it was about, but it was started innocently, niaeveley(sp) even, but certainly not maliciousley(sp)

The fact is a few people posted on it and then when they realised that the thread was a sensitive subject they were quick to condem the poster.

Instead of explaining via cat you carried on about what an insensitive thread it was. THE FACT IS YOU DIDNT REALISE EITHER OR YOU FORGOT.

Do you really think it was done on purpose, do you not think that the poster is upset too and is absolutley gutted at the upset she may have caused to one person.

OP posts:
joanneg · 10/10/2004 21:04

I for one can honestly say that mumsnet has been a great help to me. If I were ever offended my another mnetter then I would log off that thread.
I have been trying to overcome some big problems in my life and have found this website a godsend. Yes it does get a bit bitchy sometimes when discussing heated topics, but I am a member of a couple of other forums and they are the same as this.
To call this website bland I think is unfair. Not wanting to disagree or argue with anybody I come on here to discuss serious issues and have the occasional laugh and it works for me.

libb · 10/10/2004 21:05

I hate upsetting people - it is always one of my worst nightmares. I think everyone is wonderful and I love coming here - although something has shifted recently and I can't put my finger on what. I think the GF moment could have been a factor.

hatter · 10/10/2004 21:08

oh dear. I thought it was just me...I've become much less inclined to be around recently and tbh, that's not necc a bad thnig - more time for rl. I thought it was maybe a regular mn thing - find it, fall in love, have honey-moon period, then cracks start to show, get a bit bored etc. I haven't been around for yonks so couldn't tell if it was because I was looking at different threads, getting to know certain names (is that potentially offensive? sorry!), getting bored, or if there had been an actual change. Don't know the answer but probably will only dip in and out from now on.

Tissy · 10/10/2004 21:15

I've been around a while, but don't think that anything significant has changed... every now and then we get an "upset" about something; clique-yness, censorship, trolls, GF, circumcision, you name it. A few people flounce off, some come back again, and things carry on just the way they were.

MN is a very supportive site. Evesmama, your face can't possibly "fit", neither can mine- apparently there are 20,000 MNers- some of us are here to get advice, some to give it, some to have a laugh, some to sound off- just join in on the threads you feel you can contribute to. We've all had threads that we've thought we've "killed", and most of us have said something to offend someone at some point or other. Stick around

jampot · 10/10/2004 21:16

I think the GF thread was particularly bad shortly followed by the DG thread - both affected me more than I would have thought. I think maybe after a while you feel someone's personality from their postings and know whether its okay to jibe/argue. Also we can't all know about everyone's personal circumstances and last week's contentious thread was a prime example.

ModeratorHula · 10/10/2004 21:17

Please remember that it is only a vast minority of threads that cause such angst and debate. On the whole this is not what MN is about and nearly all posters are her to chat, offer and recieve advice or support, and to be nice people. Errors in judgement, or unintentional hurt, is always likely to happen in an anonymous environment like MN, as it may in RL. And some threads may be missed, even important problems, simply bevause of time or day and who is around or not. Especially when there are so many members and people joining/leaving all the time.

In reality these threads have been very few and far between when you consider how many threads and post happen every day. I think it is best people keep that fact in mind.

TBH, I don't think threads condeming other members, or Mn as a whole, (like this one and the other one going right now) are in anyway beneficial to the overall atmosphere on MN.

jampot · 10/10/2004 21:19

I remember my very first posting where I'd been looking for advice about being over protective, one MNer said I didn't sound over protective I sounded lovely - can't remember who it was but it made me feel lovely

EvesMama · 10/10/2004 21:20

hi tissy, have enjoyed tonight as feel as though i can relate to more people now and starts a whole new 'friendship', my thread is not meant to antagonise (look im apologising already!), just didnt want to continue bumping this one and change subject onto niceties

Angeliz · 10/10/2004 21:22

jampot that was me

(Well it COULD have been!!! )

I think on the whole mumsnet is great and would be strange if misunderstandings didn't occur! After all we are usually talking about the most sensitive thing EVER- motherhood.

Tissy · 10/10/2004 21:22

ah, but you did sneak another look at this thread and feel the need to respond- it gets addictive! I for one have been guilty of bumping a thread that others have wanted to see forgotten, cause I got so wound up by the subject!

enid · 10/10/2004 21:27

hula! are you trying to stop us continuing this thread

lots of people (inc me) are finding this thread rather cathartic I'd say.

Now must get back to michael palin

Hulababy · 10/10/2004 21:29

Not trying to stop anyone posting anywahere or about anything, BUT just wanted to remind people that the vast majority of threads/posts on MN are good ones. It's only a very small minority that turn sour for whatever reason - intentionally or not.

blossomhill · 10/10/2004 21:38

I do find this sad as I think MN has changed so much over the 6+ months I have been coming on here. It can be cliquey at times when if you are not in the "clique" your response doesn't even get acknowledged. This should be a place where people support each other not one where everyone is so paranoid of newcomers. Remember we were all new here once FGS!
I also go on another forum board that is related directly to the special needs that dd has and I can honestly say it is completely the opposite to here at the moment. Not once have I ever seen disagreements infact it is so lovely and everybody is kind and supportive of each other just how mumsnet should be.
Sometimes I wonder whether this is a forum for mums or a forum for school kids as some of the threads and the way they carry on remind me of the school playground. You know when people gang up in packs. It's a shame as the majority of the people on here are lovely. I must say that all of the special needs mums are fantastic, never had anything like that going on there. We all support each other which is how the whole board should be.

Jimjams · 10/10/2004 21:43

Ah BH I've just sad that on another thread about this- we're all chums in the SN section. Thank god! Going to need you lot over the next couple of weeks! (Ed psych, statement reveiw bleurgh then in laws!).

blossomhill · 10/10/2004 21:48

Good luck jimjams!
You know we are always here for you
I seriously cannot think of any time that things have got heated on sn. Infact it's quite the reverse in that we all appreciate that it's the little things with our children that mean so much. When our kids do well we are all so pleased for each other and I think that's really nice!

October · 10/10/2004 22:02

Message withdrawn

Amfs · 10/10/2004 22:03

Personally I like the debate, and more heated ones .. its interesting

Its the politically correct lets all be lovely to each other ones and the interjections from well-meaning people trying to 'calm things down' when I'm having a nice argy-bargy that get my goat most of all TBH

ooo this is cathartic isn't it

GeorginaA · 10/10/2004 22:05

Quite an interesting article I've found with help from SueW on another thread about How To Resolve Conflict Online . Well I found it interesting anyway...

Justine (mumsnet) · 10/10/2004 22:07

Hi All,
Just to add our voice to the melee and specifically to answer the GF query and whether it's affected our policy re intervention, the short answer is: it hasn't. We deleted all the GF stuff partly because of the threat of legal action and partly because GF was very upset. In actual fact we doubt very much whether we would have been liable for anything but to be honest we didn't want to incur the time and expense involved in even beginning a conversation with lawyers so deleting the threads as requested seemed the most pragmatic option (particularly as it was all a bit unedifying really and didn't add a lot to the general wellbeing in terms of advice etc etc). We probably should have explained all this at the time but the truth is it was August and a very large portion of mumsnet hq was at the beach!

Since then we've deleted one post (not a thread, a post) because of dodgy health advice, this one yesterday and a few others specifically at the members' who posted requests - usually because they mistakenly divulged some personal information. Incidently we have left a lot of stuff up that we've been asked to delete on the grounds that it's rude or offensive because our policy was and is that as far as possible the boards be self-policing. As we've said before we won't tolerate personal attacks and racism but tactless, rude or crass comments do not warrant intervention - for the simple reasons that it's extremely hard to know where to draw the line - one person's humour causes another offence; misunderstandings often happen with this medium - things can sound abrupt when they aren't meant to be; very often people learn from the discussions that follow crass posts - even the orginal poster sometimes and finally, as has been argued very eloquently here, it's impossible to know everyone's history and to be sensitive to everyone's personal situation.

In other words we avoid censorship as far as we possibly can. Yesterday's intervention to some extent broke our own rules on this - it was a bit of a special case, as SM and Lou have posted because a number of the people involved in the thread, once they'd realised that another member's feelings may have been hurt, requested that the thread be deleted; but maybe we should have actually thought a bit harder about the consequences because as some of you have pointed out no one acted at all maliciously and our intervention may have given the (wrong) impression that there was anyone to blame. So apologies for that, it was not what we intended.

It is sad that some of you think mumsnet has become a place where you have to watch what you say. That isn't our intention - as we always say it's a discussion forum and (so long as no-one's being deliberately offensive) we want to encourage discussion. Inevitably with the range of subjects under discussion - including religion, politics, GF (shhh!), supermarket grape consumption etc etc - there are going to be some disagreements, 'twas ever thus and in our view it's no bad thing. Some of you have noted that there are more than there used to be in the good ol' days and indeed there are but then there are many, many more active discussions than there used to be and many more posters. It is an unfortunate consequence of a board like ours that a minority view can seem hounded because a lot of people post the opposite view in a short space of time but that doesn't necessarily constitute ganging up or condemnation - just that a lot of people disagree.

In our "mumsnet philosophy" on the talk home page we ask people to respect others' choices even if they disagree with them and wherever possible to offer moral support. It's a fine line to tread between encouraging spontenaity, free speech and honesty and at the same time trying to preserve people's feelings - being a parent is stressful enough. We have in the last few days been simultaneously charged with being way too lax in what we allow and of being po-face and prefectly. There's no doubt we do get it wrong sometimes but all we can say is we promise to try and get the balance right for as long as you're posting and to be mindful that without honest discussion there's not much point having a discussion forum. Discuss!

Justine, Carrie and Rachel

JoolsToo · 10/10/2004 22:10

Justine - excellent post - thank you!

JoolsToo · 10/10/2004 22:11

Amfs - another good post! (I concur!)

blossomhill · 10/10/2004 22:12

Thanks Justine - really good post.
I didn't realise there were over 20,000 m'netters!

JuniperDewdrop · 10/10/2004 22:12

Brill post Justine and gang.

Amfs · 10/10/2004 22:13

I've always wondered .. do the triumvarate have alternative posting names and join in the threads incognito?

I just bet you do

..

JuniperDewdrop · 10/10/2004 22:14

I've wondered that too