Hello everyone,
Thank you all for your lovely messages about Matthews poem. When Matthew was born I secretly had wanted a little girl, but after having a threatened miscarriage with him, I just wanted a healthy baby so didnt mind. Then as the years went by and no brother or sister came along, we just thought, "ok, we are lucky, we have Matthew". Then he died and our world was empty. To my knowledge I had never said to Matthew that if I had ever had a daughter I would call her Rebecca, the name I always had in my heart. So when I read the poem again three days after he died, it was really only then that I thought it strange. The John is his best friend, they were at school from the age of three together. Anniemo, I havent got around to writing Matthews life as you have, its a lovely idea. We have always talked about Matthew to them since they were born, the other day Rebecca found a very old photo of us with Matthew and she just said "thats Matthew isnt it?" They do all often mention him, often now they ask me things about what we did together, did we take him to places they have been to etc. We have two holiday videos of us in 1991 and 1993 in California, in some ways I want to put them on, to show them Matthew, let them hear his voice, but I havent watched them since before his death, and I dont feel I am ready to do it yet. I know that I would cry, and I dont want to do that in front of them. I think like everything thing else I have learnt in this painful experience, I will know when the time is right, its not right yet.
When I was pregnant with them I never chose to know what sex they were, everyone thought it was going to be two girls and a boy, in my heart I wanted two boys and a girl. We decided on names quite easily, and said that if there was a little boy amongst them then the first born boy would be Thomas Matthew Peace. Well, miracle of miracles the first baby born was my so wanted little girl, Rebecca Anne Peace, next a little boy, Thomas Matthew Peace, and last another little boy, James Alexander Peace. As soon as the family saw them everyone said the same thing, "oh Anne, its just like looking at Matthew".That was Thomas, he is the image of his brother, blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. Now James could have been born second and he would have been the first born boy, and he would have been called Matthew, and he has dark brown hair and dark brown eyes! So its strange. Thomas I have to say couldnt be more different in his nature, you certainly know that Thomas is about, and hes not very studious! Matthew was very quiet, sensitive, and loved to read and study. The other thing that has happened is that Thomas sometimes comes out with some very strange things, once when he was about two and a half, he woke up crying at 11pm, and was very disturbed. I picked him up and cuddled him and asked him what was wrong. He said that Matthew had been and showed him some spiders and that he was frightened of them, but he said he then told him not to be, and that he would look after him. Who knows? Though he is no longer here, I know I have four very special children, and that I am a very lucky woman, though the pain of his death is not so strong now, my love for him is, and ever will be. Love to you all and all your children xxxxxx