Bereavement, coping with it and talking about it

[WideWebWitch]

As discussed on the other thread I thought I'd start this for anyone who wants to talk about how they feel.

My Dad died on 18 May 2001. I've never been bereaved before and it was and is hard. We were close. Most days I'm ok but when it hits me, it really hits me and is sometimes completely out of the blue. Something will start me off like hearing a song he used to sing or realising that I have some of the same mannerisms. Or feeling sad that he's not here to share a significant event (my sisters' wedding, ds's first day at school).

People say that bereavement is like a roller coaster (cliche I know, but hey, sometimes we need them) and for me that's true. I don't think you ever completely recover, you just learn to live with it. I'm going to stop now since I was fine today but am choking up writing: it's never far from the surface is it? Not looking for sympathy here though, just realising that I don't want a down day as we have friends staying atm. Cam and Batters, your situatons sound sad too. You can't preview in create conversation so apologies in advance if this is littered with errors.

Bobbins - I am glad that the beeb is being good to you. I used to work there too and was terribly ill after the birth of my child. They were very supportive too.

Copper> I wish you knew how much of a difficult question this was. Its been the same for such a long time, since I was first pregnant. He's usually a smasher during the week. almost a reconstructed male. he often cooks, cleans, and he was great looking after Harvey when he was around. But the weekend starts looming and I dread them, I know Its going to be pub pub pub, and now he's started doing this during the week too. Perhaps we are pushing eachother away. I'm really tring not to, i want to draw him closer. He went out on Thursday night for "a couple" and he rolled in at 7.30 in the morning. He'd ended up sleeping in an alley. Perhaps its because I've told him I don't want to see him when he's really drunk. I just want him home. He acted like it was funny last night. I was so angry, worried, confused. He said I sounded like a social worker last night, when I tried to talk to him about it. I wish I could go out and be quietlysociable with him, but it just seems impossile.

Copper> I wish you knew how much of a difficult question this was. Its been the same for such a long time, since I was first pregnant. He's usually a smasher during the week. almost a reconstructed male. he often cooks, cleans, and he was great looking after Harvey when he was around. But the weekend starts looming and I dread them, I know Its going to be pub pub pub, and now he's started doing this during the week too. Perhaps we are pushing eachother away. I'm really tring not to, i want to draw him closer. He went out on Thursday night for "a couple" and he rolled in at 7.30 in the morning. He'd ended up sleeping in an alley. Perhaps its because I've told him I don't want to see him when he's really drunk. I just want him home. He acted like it was funny last night. I was so angry, worried, confused. He said I sounded like a social worker last night, when I tried to talk to him about it. I wish I could go out and be quietlysociable with him, but it just seems impossile.

Just wanted to add that so many of the moving messages on this thread have had me in tears - and that doesn't often happen. I am so sorry for all of you who have lost children - its impossible to imagine anything worse.

bobbins, it's really good to see you posting on mumsnet. Do stick around. I am just wondering if you've ever thought of talking about your partner on a dad's website like fathersdirect to get a male perspective on this.

I've been wanting to add something to this thread since it started, but I've found it hard to find the words. This is going to turn into a long reply as I've found some poems (from another site) that might help:

Don't think of him as gone away,
His journey's just begun.
Life holds so many facets,
This earth is only one.
Just think of him as resting
From the sorrows and the tears,
In a place of warmth and comfort,
Where there are no days and years.
Think how he must be wishing
That we could know today,
How nothing but our sadness,
Can really pass away.
And think of him as living,
In the hearts of those he touched,
For nothing loved is ever lost,
And he was loved so much.
By Ellen Brenneman.

Don't tell me that you understand,
Don't tell me that you know.....
Don't tell me I will surely survive
How I will surely grow...
Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed...
That I am chosen for the task,
Apart from all the rest...
Don't come at me with answers,
That can only come from me..
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
How I will soon be free...
Don't stand in pious judgement,
Of the bonds I must untie..
Don't tell me how to suffer,
And don't tell me how to cry...
My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see...
But I need you, I need your love,
Unconditionally..
Accept me in my up's and down's,
I need someone to share...
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, My Friend, I care.....

and finally:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there. I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sun on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awake in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

These poems were originally posted on an Open University child loss website - by mums whose babies had died. They said they found comfort in them and I found them very moving. Maybe you can find some comfort in them too.

A lovely thing happened to me on Frid, I went to my local shop, and Margaret a young Indian girl who works there asked me how my trio were settling in to school, her two children go to. I explained that I had suddenly changed schools 2 days before the term ended, I had a real panic attack about sending them to Matthews old school. I couldnt bear the thought of standing there with 59 sets of other new parents, not knowing a soul, explaining that yes they are ours, NO we are not the grandparents, and yes, we have another child but he died. I have had 8 years of doing that, and I couldnt bear the thought of starting again, so they are going to the school near where they have been going to nursery. Anyway I was trying to explain all of these feelings when Margaret rushed around the counter and just threw her arms around me and with tears in her eyes told me how brave I was, and how she often thinks of Matthew. I walked out of the shop and just found myself walking down the street talking out loud, I said, "see Matthew people havent forgotten you, they do care, I just cant see it sometimes, I love you and miss you, and will for ever and ever, but you are in my heart each minute of each day". That unexpected hug was so lovely and needed, it made my day.

Debodahf, those poems are beautiful. I'm going to send them to my friend, whose child died recently. Thankyou.

Yes Deborahf,

I particularly liked the second poem. I think the 'do not stand at my grave one' was read at my mums ceremony.

triplets> what a lovely lady!

I'm a little dumbfounded. partner left to go to London to visit friends on Saturday afternoon. He knew I was feeling very down and upset. He said he'd stay Saturday night. I was completely expecting that. Its now Monday afternoon, I haven't heard from him, don't know how to contact him..(he lost his old mobile phone). I've been looking after our dog over the weekend. usually she goes into work with him during the week. I've had to come into work and leave her on her own. I don't know whats going on and I feel incredibly anxious.

I've just phoned his work and he's not due in today. If I'd known that he wasn't going to be around I would have made arrangements for our dog!

Batters, I've written lots of letters

I'm at my wits end.

sobernow> I did move in with my father for a little while, but it was inconvenient really. My house is central to everything, and I also feel like I shouldn't have to move out of a house I am paying to live in. We bought the house together.

I could have had friends over this weekend or gone visiting, but I didn't feel up to it this weekend.

I do feel like a bit of a nervous wreck today, and I've got a driving lesson tonight, damn! Last time I was stressed, and tonight I know its going to be even harder.

bobbins,

Reading your words I do not know if your partner is either so grief stricken that he can't face the future sober and at home with you - or he wants out. Do you know? Does he know?

Can you get him to answer this one basic question. IMO all your future plans spring from this, and you need those future plans to get over the traumas of the last year.

It is incredibly cruel and cowardly of him to give you such mixed messages. I take it he was not like this before. What good does it do him to behave like this? He gets grief from you (understandably) and he can't move on either. Somehow you've got to get this straight with him, face to face.

tigermoth> i don't know. i think the latter is perhaps more realistic. Heartbreaking! He says he still loves me, but I can't see that he's showing a smidgen.

This thread has become too long for my mac/ntlworld to load. Its probably a bit off thread as well??

I'll start a new on in Relationships; 'feeling abandoned'

Triplets
I'm so glad that you had that lovely experience. I don't suppose anyone who knew him has forgotten Matthew: people probably find it hard to know whether to talk of him or not. And outside the initmate circle it's often not easy to do more than ask 'How's so-and-so'.
Children occupy a huge space in our lives, don't they? We think about them so much, worry about them so much - and as they get older, perhaps we just don't marvel about them enough. Hearing about Matthew from you has made me re-assess my own kids and our relationship (often rocky at the moment as they often seem to think I am a maid not a mum).
How are the triplets enjoying school?

Ggood morning Copper,
Thank you for your message, it is even nice for me just to see Matthews name in print. He is in my mind more so at the moment with Rebecca Thomas and James being at school. I have been having a mammoth clearing out session and I came across a copy of a poem I found in Matthews room four months before he died. It was written on a scrappy piece of paper and I just couldnt believe what I was reading, I asked him why he had written it and he said, "oh, its just for school". Ill type it later on tonight when I have more time. The trio are so far really enjoying school, although they are finding it very tiring as they are full-time. They were to have gone to the same school as Matthew but as I think I said earlier I had a bit of a panic attack just before the schools broke up and I changed my mind. I just couldn`t bear the thought of standing at that same school gate, too many memories, too much explaining to do. So they are in a village school which is just as near to home, only 186 pupils as against 450, and it feels very happy and homely. So I think we have made the right decision. The house is certainly very empty and quiet, and that brought back the awful time between Matthews death and their birth, give me their noise any day! Will try and do the poem later.

Hi, this is Matthews poem, I always feel so sad each time I read it.
The first stage of man is the shortest of all,
When you are a baby and dribble and bawl.
You wake every day, and scream every night,
To wake up your parents to turn on the light.

You slowly grow up and now are a child,
A pocket sized person so gentle and mild.
You start off at school in black shoes and shirt,
Its all work from now, all pain and hurt.
You continue at school for a very long time,
I`m still here now, writing this rhyme.

When you leave school you`re very mature,
Off now to college to study some more.
You work really hard with the rest of the mob,
To get a degree to get you a job.
You come out at last with new found aggression,
To hunt and to dig to find a profession.

You now get a job, it has to be manly,
To bring in some money to bring up a family.
You have a few children, called Rebecca and John,
Who go on the journey that you have just gone.
You keep at your job for most of your life,
So do your children, so does your wife.

You retire then at sixty, tired and bleak,
To live on a pension, a pittance a week.
You keep on at home and think of the mob,
You stayed with in childhood to get a good job.

You think of fond memories as life comes to an end,
Of all the old fashions that were all the trend.
Its all history now, there`s nothing no more,
No light in the tunnel, a darkened closed door.
You let yourself go, and say the last call,
You now are oblivion......its the end of it all.

Matthew David Peace 1994
Aged 14.

My stomach is in knots, did he somehow know?

triplets, from the first line and al the way through, I was wondering the exact same thing. Very strange. What a special little boy. I am quite shocked by his foresight, hindsight, and general understanding of a context to the stages of a life.

People do come out with cliches when these things happen. I have heard them and I'm sur eyou have too. I suppose cliches are a type of convention.

The good die young,

I ;m sure the poem brings up such mixed feelings in you.

Lots of Lovexxxxx

Thank you Bobbins,
He is special, its the line, I`m still here now, writing this rhyme........ always makes my heart break.